I had to put my cat to sleep two days ago and I am absolutely hysterical. I can't stop crying and I feel physically ill, almost to the point of vomiting. When I'm not crying I keep pacing back and forth and hyperventilating. My eyes are swollen and they hurt. Everything reminds me of him and there's traces of him all over the place. None of my friends really understand the extent of pain that I am going through right now. They will send their condolences and then continue talking about trivial matters. But nothing seems to matter to me anymore, because the one thing that mattered to me is no longer here.

Everything spiraled out of control so quickly; I feel like I made all the wrong decisions. He hadn't touched his food for 2 days so we immediately took him to the vet. He was previously diagnosed with FIV, so it was imperative that we act fast. At the vets office it was determined that he was suffering from advanced kidney failure. I was in total shock and denial and unable to process it rationally. His weight was fine, and the skin pinch test did not indicate any dehydration. I asked the vet whether this could be a case of an acute kidney failure. If that was the case, something could be done to get his levels down. She did not have the necessary equipment to perform an echo and redirected me to a specialized clinic.

He was admitted for the night, as the echo was scheduled to take place the next day. During this time IV fluids could be administered to him. I thought that it would make him feel better and less nauseous. The next day after work I rushed to the clinic for the visiting hours. I was shocked to see him in a progressively weakened state. I can't get the image out of my head. His belly was shaved and he had a caste around his paw for the fluids. He looked so dazed and tired.

I regret causing him so much stress in his dying hours and depriving him of his familiar environment. I was bawling into his fur and trying to comfort him. I never wanted to make him feel like he was abandoned. I gave him head scratches and for a short moment he started purring again. But he was so visibly tired, he was barely responsive to anything that was going on around him. I wanted to take him home right then and there and have him euthanized during the weekend. I asked the vet whether she knew any in-home pet euthanasia services, but she said that she knew none that provided their services during the weekend.

I made the decision then to put him to sleep, because it didn't look like he'd even make it through Friday night and I was not going to let him die alone, in a clinic. We said our goodbyes, I kissed his face as I held it in the palms of my hands. He could barely keep his eyes open; I knew it was time. He died with me caressing his little head.

Now I am filled with enormous regret. I feel like he should have died at home; he should have never been left alone in a strange clinic with unfamiliar smells and sounds, being prodded by needles. He deserved so much more. He was the epitome of innocence, but this little baby could never catch a break in his life.

He had been run over as a kitten. He had always remained small with a slightly misshapen head and eye. He had a little piece of his ear missing, which made him look like a pirate. I adopted him from abroad; at the time I didn't know he was FIV positive. When he arrived to NL he was in a really bad shape. We treated his ears and eyes for infections and all of his teeth had to be pulled because he was in enormous pain. The next two years were amazing and there was no indication whatsoever of any looming problems. This has caught me completely by surprise. My world has completely fallen apart. Nothing seems to matter anymore. I feel guilty. I am so angry at myself for acting so irrational.

I just keep torturing myself, thinking of everything I should have done differently. Yesterday I looked up in-home pet euthanasia services and found several that provide their services during the weekend. This is eating me up inside and I don't know how to cope right now. 

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I’m so sorry, I know how bad you’re hurting. It all happened really fast, it’s shocking and unbelievably painful. For now I’d take a pass on telling anyone who doesn’t need to know or you don’t want to tell about your kitty. Only anger and resentment can come from the reaction you’re getting. FIV is an ugly, ugly virus that can hit quickly or simmer without signs. Our babies are notorious for not showing us how bad they feel. You took him right in, you okayed recommended tx you did the right thing. You are reeling in pain and grief and I know wanting him with you right now is the only thing that matters. Remember that movie ‘Pet Cemetary’ ? I wasn’t that far off, Barbara Streisand had her beloved dog cloned. She was criticized, harshly, if I’d had the money and knew they did this I would have. We love these babies more than most people, we grieve harder than when most family members die. For 99% on here this is the most heat breaking, traumatic event in our lives. I’m 60, I have never hurt so deeply, cried so much or wanted anything more in my life. My baby, Tankie, died from acute renal failure. The vet compared the toxins going through her body as a hangover times 100, you had no choice but have him given fluids overnight for any hope. He should have felt dramatically better, your description of seeing him the following day let’s me know you’d done all you could. It also lets me know he wasn’t acutely aware of his surroundings. That’s a small blessing, he wasn’t scared like he might have been. The lack of information the Vet gave you for at home services was negligent, it should have included ‘ I’ll check into that for you’ You would have been more comfortable at home, but at that point the comfort would have been yours alone, I don’t think he would have know the difference. Be kind to yourself in your grief, come here cause you’ll be with people at all different stages of this heartbreaking journey, and you’re never alone,,,,,
Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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Thank you so much for your kind words. I didn't know where else to turn...
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Dearest Sad,

I am so sorry you are in so much pain over the loss of your sweet kitty.  Please know that all on this forum know exactly how you feel and how raw the emotions are in the first days, weeks and months after our beloved fur babies cross over to the bridge.  I too was ill, couldn't eat or sleep, couldn't think of anything else.  Just wanted to follow my kitty into the beyond, just so I didn't have to feel what it was like to be without him.  It has now been almost five months for me and I can tell you that it does get easier with time.  You have to remember the beautiful life you gave that poor unfortunate kitty who sounds like he had a really rough start.  I'm sure the time with you was pure joy and comfort and happiness.  The days of suffering were short compared to the time spent surrounded by your love.  It sounds like he was truly suffering and you did the right thing not to prolong that for a moment longer.  It has taken me a very long time to realize that my kitty had been sick for a long time and likely was never going to get better no matter how much I tried to convince myself that I could have saved him.  I wanted to save him, and I couldn't.  The last days play over and over in your head and you think of all the things you could have done differently.  But your sweet kitty is not healthy and restored once again and I believe he knows you did all that you could.  He purred for you.  What a gift.  I believe he wanted you to know it was okay to let him go.  My poor kitty was so confused and disoriented at the end, that my worst fear is that he didn't know I was there holding him, but I want to believe he knew. 

Please come back as often as you feel like writing.  This forum is a wonderful place to find the support that you need.   I don't know how I could have gotten through the worst of my days without it. 

Kind Regards,

Marina ~ Mitookie's Mom
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