I had to put my cat to sleep two days ago and I am absolutely hysterical. I can't stop crying and I feel physically ill, almost to the point of vomiting. When I'm not crying I keep pacing back and forth and hyperventilating. My eyes are swollen and they hurt. Everything reminds me of him and there's traces of him all over the place. None of my friends really understand the extent of pain that I am going through right now. They will send their condolences and then continue talking about trivial matters. But nothing seems to matter to me anymore, because the one thing that mattered to me is no longer here.
Everything spiraled out of control so quickly; I feel like I made all the wrong decisions. He hadn't touched his food for 2 days so we immediately took him to the vet. He was previously diagnosed with FIV, so it was imperative that we act fast. At the vets office it was determined that he was suffering from advanced kidney failure. I was in total shock and denial and unable to process it rationally. His weight was fine, and the skin pinch test did not indicate any dehydration. I asked the vet whether this could be a case of an acute kidney failure. If that was the case, something could be done to get his levels down. She did not have the necessary equipment to perform an echo and redirected me to a specialized clinic.
He was admitted for the night, as the echo was scheduled to take place the next day. During this time IV fluids could be administered to him. I thought that it would make him feel better and less nauseous. The next day after work I rushed to the clinic for the visiting hours. I was shocked to see him in a progressively weakened state. I can't get the image out of my head. His belly was shaved and he had a caste around his paw for the fluids. He looked so dazed and tired.
I regret causing him so much stress in his dying hours and depriving him of his familiar environment. I was bawling into his fur and trying to comfort him. I never wanted to make him feel like he was abandoned. I gave him head scratches and for a short moment he started purring again. But he was so visibly tired, he was barely responsive to anything that was going on around him. I wanted to take him home right then and there and have him euthanized during the weekend. I asked the vet whether she knew any in-home pet euthanasia services, but she said that she knew none that provided their services during the weekend.
I made the decision then to put him to sleep, because it didn't look like he'd even make it through Friday night and I was not going to let him die alone, in a clinic. We said our goodbyes, I kissed his face as I held it in the palms of my hands. He could barely keep his eyes open; I knew it was time. He died with me caressing his little head.
Now I am filled with enormous regret. I feel like he should have died at home; he should have never been left alone in a strange clinic with unfamiliar smells and sounds, being prodded by needles. He deserved so much more. He was the epitome of innocence, but this little baby could never catch a break in his life.
He had been run over as a kitten. He had always remained small with a slightly misshapen head and eye. He had a little piece of his ear missing, which made him look like a pirate. I adopted him from abroad; at the time I didn't know he was FIV positive. When he arrived to NL he was in a really bad shape. We treated his ears and eyes for infections and all of his teeth had to be pulled because he was in enormous pain. The next two years were amazing and there was no indication whatsoever of any looming problems. This has caught me completely by surprise. My world has completely fallen apart. Nothing seems to matter anymore. I feel guilty. I am so angry at myself for acting so irrational.
I just keep torturing myself, thinking of everything I should have done differently. Yesterday I looked up in-home pet euthanasia services and found several that provide their services during the weekend. This is eating me up inside and I don't know how to cope right now.