MyLenny
I really need help! I know this is a tough subject, and I feel so guilty! I tell my Lenny I am so sorry a million times a day! Lenny is/was a very special white, deaf boxer! We rescued him from a Boxer rescue in 2009. He was 2.5 yrs. old. He was the sweetest boy and got along with my other deaf, white boxer and my greyhound. The two boxers were inseparable! They slept together, ate together and had to touch each other all the time. Lenny learned so much from our first one, Cam, he was older and wiser. Lenny was pretty much an adolescent when we got him and loved to play! He just couldn't get enough of it! He lit up the room with his love and playfulness! We loved him so much! He was so sensitive, he sobbed so hard, first when his foster mom and dad left him with us. He watched them leave and just sobbed so hard. Second when his best friend and fur brother, Cam, left us suddenly from a brain tumor, Lenny looked at him and started sobbing so hard! It was so sad! Then he looked at me as if to say, "Can't you get him up?" Then he looked back at Cam and started sobbing really hard again...Soon he was attached very much to my husband and loved being in our home where he played and got treats. He'd never experienced them before. He was always chained outside on the cement before he was rescued and who knows what else he went thru in his young life before he came to us. He was fine for a long time. Then different places and 'things' started to trigger things and he'd get out of control. I'd take him for walks, at first they went fine, but soon if he saw a squirrel or rabbit, he'd want to chase them...he'd get to the end of his leash and turn around and start biting his leash, then work up to my arms! I was able to stop it at first but it kept getting worse until he bit me really bad up one of my arms. I had a light jacket on so there was not puncture wounds but lots of bruising and swelling. I tried it one more time and that was his last chance. He did it again, but I was able to get him home before it got bad. I decided then and there, that there was a trigger. He'd daze out and right after he wouldn't even know he did it. I talked to his old fosters and they convinced us to get a behaviorist for him. They paid for it because we couldn't afford it. Everything was great! Lenny was always really good in the house with training. It's when he went outside. We knew the gate outside was a trigger and told the behaviorist. He showed us a different way. But with Lenny it wasn't good. The gate set off a trigger and he totally changed from a good dog to a vicious one. Again, just pulling on the leash snapped him out of it, but he had bitten the behaviorist pretty bad in the arm. He never came back or answered our emails. So I just decided we have to avoid ALL triggers and give him tons of love and patience and he will change! We could not return him back to the boxer rescue, and if he was re-homed, I know eventually he would be 'put down' because no one would have the patience or love for him to keep him. We loved him so much so that's what we did. Everything went really well. There were a couple of times though we found out a couple more triggers, so didn't do that around him any more. One, I was able to avoid because I saw it coming and the other was when I was in the hallway near the two bedrooms and Lenny and I were just playing and giving each other kisses, I got up to have him go into the other bedroom. I think he felt I was 'herding' him in there, and that was a trigger. He turned totally different very suddenly and started to attack me! He bit my leg but I was able to get in the bathroom and close the door but my leg was hurting and badly bruised (I had pants on so there was no puncture wounds, just a huge force of Lenny's mouth). I came out a few minutes later and he didn't even remember it and was our sweet Lenny again. Now sudden outbursts were scattered in the almost 7 years we had him so it wasn't as if he was doing this all the time He was a sweet terrific dog 99.8% of the time. I had to constantly watch him and very few people came over. He was basically untrainable! (Although he was super smart, he did learn everything but there was too many triggers) When people did come over we'd keep him in the kitchen most of the time but he'd get so worked up, we would let him out. He never hurt anyone of our guests, he just always wanted to play!!! In 2014 he came down with pancreatitis and in March of 2015 he suddenly came down with IMHA! A deadly disease (Immune Mediated Hemolytic Anemia) which comes on very quickly! It is when your immune system, instead of fighting off germs and infection, turned on him and started to attack his red blood cells, causing him not to get enough oxygen to his system, thus anemia. It's very deadly, but after 3 transfusions, IVs, lots of meds, they got him stable. Most dogs do not survive and if they do, it is a constant roller-coaster ride because you have to watch them constantly! Any amount of stress, or tick bites, or even vaccines would send him out of remission and come back even worse. So we brought our sweet Lenny home with a feeding tube! I had to be so careful feeding him! Then the next day, he started eating boiled chicken. (He hadn't eaten for a week or drunk anything.) So we gradually worked up to chicken and rice for a while, then canned mixed in, then kibble. I started him on a homemade dog food diet too. He went out of remission a total of 3 times which made him start over again with transfusions, and large doses of prednisone and immune suppressants as well as pain killers and antibiotics. Because his immune system was suppressed he couldn't fight off infections so he developed a bad abscess on his back. Then later on, just a tiny scratch on the bottom of his foot spiraled into a deadly infection and his leg swelled up to 4 or 5 times normal. I felt so bad for him! Everything that could happen to him happened. I left to go to Colorado once to visit and care for my dying brother. Lenny got so stressed out and missed me so much he went out of remission and ended up in the hospital again! That's how much we had to watch him. He couldn't get stressed, he couldn't get sedated, couldn't have vaccines, had to watch constantly for ticks and mosquitos.... Well all that time Lenny was the best boy. He did everything he was supposed to. He knew we were trying to help him and he loved us so much as we did him! Everyone at the Animal ER loved him! But I always avoided his triggers still. Then once when the vet changed his immune suppressant, Lenny had a very bad reaction. He almost died! We watched him start to shake and just lay there (I think if we moved him to get him to the ER, he would have died for sure!) Then his eyes rolled up into his head, but we just kept loving him up and holding him and telling him we loved him and prayed. Since Lenny was deaf, I always would put my neck to the top of his so he could 'feel' me talking to him saying that I loved him! He could feel my vocal cords. He loved us so much, he came back! They of course changed the immune suppressant to something else and that was his miracle! Finally, he was getting better, so by March 2016 he was completely off his IMHA meds and was just on a pain killer. He was in remission and his fur was growing back so soft and thick and white! The whole time he was so sick, I barely left his side. I slept next to him on the floor, I counted his breaths, and his heart beat which were so fast because of the medication! I felt so bad for him! We put blankets and comforters all around the house so he could lay down and be comfy anywhere in the house. He also became food intolerant which is another long story...He'd get so sick from common proteins so we put him on a novel protein diet. He was doing so well. We were done with the daily, then every other day, then weekly then bi-weekly appts. at the ER. He didn't have to come back unless he became sick again. He was free to be the dog he should finally be! I kept praying that he'd have another couple years of happiness being a dog! Just loving him and being with him and playing with him! His favorite toys were a blue frisbee, a plush basketball and a blue, plastic kiddie pool that he used as a giant frisbee! We'd throw it like a frisbee and he'd run and get it and bring it back to us! And Len was so smart! He could open his crate, the gate, some doors! Once he accidentally locked us out by turning the dead bolt! Thankfully we were able to get back in the house. 
At the last vet appt. I told the vet I had noticed a lump under Lenny's tongue when he barked. She said in order to get a good look at it, he would probably have to be sedated. We chose not to at that time because the sedation could send him out of remission and he was doing so well.
Once before Lenny went off all his meds, we had trouble getting him in the car from one of his appointments at the ER vet. Lenny saw his reflection in the door and wanted to stay. One of the staff (I really didn't like her that much) came out to help get him in the car....well that was a no no. It happened so fast, that one of his triggers went off. She started pushing him with her body, kind of like herding him. Lenny's trigger went off and he became a different dog and bit her a couple times before we could pull him off. It wasn't good! So from then on they made us put a muzzle on him when he came. 

Something was going on again with Lenny. I was getting more scared that his triggers were getting more sensitive, He was getting more pushy with people who came over. He always wanted to play and wouldn't stop. I was always scared and watchful that when my son came home for a visit (my son adored Lenny), he might 'crack' and turn on him...he never did, but something was making Lenny worse. Then in July, 2016, I noticed he was drooling excessively like a faucet that doesn't turn off. I figured the lump under his tongue was getting worse. When it got bumped, Lenny would start to drool really bad, I'd have to put a towel under his head. I called the vet that worked with him at the ER and left a message to call me. It was July 14th, last year...In the last couple months he wasn't coming in no matter how much we coaxed him. We thought he was getting better in May and June so we started walking him at the river, around the parking lot when no one was around. It was great! Lenny did great, then after the 3rd time, he started wanting to pull and go where we shouldn't go. I averted him once (got really scared) and got him to the car, but then the next time we went to the river, we did our usual walk and I was being really careful, he wanted to pull, we couldn't so he 'snapped' again and turned on me. I managed to hold him by his halter but I knew it was a matter of time and no one was around to help me. My husband was almost a block away and wouldn't be able to get to me in time if he attacked me. I then pointed at my husband. For some reason he forgot me and started running toward him and the car. I thought, 'thank God!'. but then he got mad at my husband! He wouldn't let him in the car! (there were triggers there too. There was a few times when he wouldn't let either of us in the car...) So I drove home with Lenny and he was perfectly normal again. I dropped him off at home and got my husband. It was like nothing had happened again and everything was normal! Everything WAS pretty normal when in the house. 

Well something definitely was going on with Lenny, things were happening more and more, he wouldn't come in the house, he barked all the time, we were basically living on pins and needles, always watching his moves and expressions. He started getting mad at one of our other dogs whom he loved. I recognized it, and would move the other dog before anything would happen. 

But Lenny was our Sunshine! He went thru so much and we loved him immensely! I had bonded with him and loved him more than anything in the world! We watched him almost die 4 times in the past year! Nothing was ever going to happen to him again! He is/was the best watchdog! When he smelled burning, he'd wake us up. When there was an intruder outside our home, it was Lenny that scared him off! We didn't know someone was outside our home! Our sweet, deaf Lenny sensed it and barked in at totally different bark! We knew! Lenny was always there at the window when we came home! He always knew, even though he was deaf! You could tell his tail was going a mile a minute because his whole body was going back and forth! He just loved and trusted us soooo MUCH! 

Then the worst day of my life came. My husband was gone. Lenny wouldn't come in and he was eating grass outside. I didn't want him to get sick and I was so careful because I didn't want him to go out of remission from his IMHA. I went out there to pick the grass before he got to it. I know he didn't like it. But he put up with his Mama. I tried getting him in so he wouldn't eat grass. I used everything, even his favorite, Buddig Beef! Nothing worked! I finally got out his harness and leash! He loves car rides so he came right in. I didn't want to NOT go through with taking him somewhere so I put it on him. Lenny could not contain himself, he was so happy! He was going to go for a car ride! My husband just pulled in the driveway and we came out. Lenny and I and my husband got into the car. We drove around, Lenny's all time favorite thing to do! He's just like a child looking at everything thru a child's eyes! We loved watching him! Well then we got home. Got out of the car, went through the gate and into the backyard. I let his leash go so he could walk around! But he started eating the tall grass around the edge of the fence again! I'd tell my husband to weed-eat but he never would! Anyway we were trying to get Lenny in the house again. I was being careful and I didn't want to pull on his leash or anything, I knew Lenny was getting worse in some way. But I wanted to get him in the house so he could eat also. He hadn't eaten his breakfast that morning because he had a tummy ache. Well, I had such a 'lost' feeling at that time... I walked to the fence and started pulling out the long grass so Lenny wouldn't eat so much of it. I shouldn't have done it because all of a sudden Lenny was NOT Lenny! He totally 'snapped' and this time it was the worst! I managed to get a hold of his halter. I tried holding him so he couldn't get me! Lenny is an 83 lb. boxer and very strong, especially in these 'rages'! I knew it was just a matter of time if something wasn't done! But what? My husband was watching and he is 74 yrs. old, so he is weaker than I (I'm 20 yrs. younger). I think he was about to go in the house to get something to coax Lenny in. But just as my husband turned to go in, Lenny got away from me and started attacking me! It happened so fast! There was no where I could go or run to or no one around besides my husband! Lenny was biting my arms and leg! I was cornered by the fence! I kicked Lenny to get him off me! I was just trying to protect myself, I knew that this wasn't Lenny! He went into one of those rages! Just then something happened and I was able to run in the house! My husband pulled on his leash to get him off because he was just going after me! All of a sudden, Lenny snapped out of it! He didn't do anything to my husband, he was fine!!!! I got into the house and I was bleeding all over the place! On the floor, on the walls, I was walking in my own blood! My sweet Lenny had gotten me a few times on my arms and hands. Pretty deep! I called 911 frantic because I was bleeding so bad. Once the paramedics got there, I kept saying, poor Lenny, poor Lenny, poor Lenny...I knew that this time something had to be done. I was afraid of him now. He would know I was afraid of him! Nothing would ever be the same! They brought me to the hospital, took x-rays, cleaned all the hair our of the wounds and stitched me up! If my husband wouldn't have been there, I'm scared to even think about it! My poor Lenny! He is sooo SPECIAL! I came home that evening from the hospital. Lenny was in the kitchen. I stayed on the opposite end of where he was on the other side of the latched, swinging doors. I'd look at him. He didn't even know what he did! My sweet boy! My husband did the feeding of the dogs, Lenny slept in his usual place that night and came into the big bedroom where my husband was and fell asleep in bed with him. He was normal and doing his normal thing. That was the time when the three of us would be with him, love him up do some rub-downs for him. He'd love it. Whenever I'd go into the room, he'd see me come in and hold out his sweet paw to me, then I'd run into his sweet little 'arms' and hug him and hold him! That was our special time every morning, just the 3 of us. We loved our mornings with him! After that, we always ate breakfast and played! then napped....Lenny is/was my all!!!! 

I called the vet the next morning and told him what happened and that we needed to do something. To avoid anything like that happening again, we had to say goodbye to my boy! We couldn't take a chance anymore. My husband was weaker than I was! If he would ever be alone with Lenny and something would happen, he wouldn't have a chance. Something was going on with Lenny's head! I don't know! We called my son and he came home to say goodbye. He just got there a few minutes before the vet came that evening. We were all pretty much in shock still and the day was horrible, waiting! We gave Lenny some things he couldn't have before because he might not tolerate it. He got a couple ice cream bars, some cheeseburgers and some other things. We took a few pictures, but it was so sad! I was still in shock! We all were near him, we hugged him. We cried. Then the first injection. He fell asleep. It was like a nightmare! The vet asked if we were sure before the last injection. I begged my husband to let him live 2 or 3 times and he looked down and said, 'we can't'. Then soon my Lenny was gone! It was over! My arms were bandaged and ached but my heart ached so much more! It took a while for it to set in....I cry all the time! I am depressed! I haven't slept through the night since he left! Every day I dread because it's a day longer I've been without my Lenny! I barely made it thru the holidays. Couldn't celebrate, couldn't do anything without our bright-eyed, faithful, loving Lenny! His birthday was June 1st, he would have been 10 years young. His one year anniversary of leaving us is coming up soon and I don't know what to do! I've gone to groups, I've tried talking to other people who have lost pets, It's just so different. Lenny was alive and happy and excited to play when we did that to him! I will always remember that! He was ok and we killed him! My husband doesn't understand my grief, but although he loved Lenny, it just wasn't as deep as the bond of love I had for him and him for me! I just don't know what I'm going to do! I've gotten paintings of him and his fur brother Cam. I planted a garden for him, made a calendar of him with all his pictures. His bed is in the living room along with his favorite toys and food dishes. I am so beside myself I can't think any more! My Lenny was the best dog in the world and he trusted us! Then we did that to him! If you could have seen his brown eyes or met him you would have fallen in love with him! He is/was a good dog! Why did he have to have so much happen to him? Why did this have to happen? He wasn't a bad dog, far from it! He is/was so loyal, so loving so faithful! I just don't know any more...my boy! My Lenny!Lenbythecomputer.jpg
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Ann Meehl
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William
Lenny is beautiful. He went through a lot with his health the poor thing. You did so much for Lenny. He was a lucky boy.
My neighbors had to put their dog down last year. Healthy, young spunky thing but he also would bite and attack out of nowhere. They consulted the vet and tried different things but after so many trips to the ER for stitches they finally had to put him down.

You did everything you could for Lenny. But, you couldn't control his outbursts and when it got to a dangerous point you didn't have a choice.

Try to remember all the love and happiness you gave Lenny. He responded to that. Unfortunately there was something else going on that you couldn't control or fix.
Kim
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camunki
I am so sorry for the loss of your Lenny, my heart aches for you. But you do have to remember that you tried countless times to help your Lenny, so many times. And i am sorry for the feelings you are having. Lenny was your baby, when he was "good" he was really good....yet even when he attacked, which was not alot but getting more vicious, something had to change and be done. You have to think of yourself and how much you would have been able to handle, if there was a next time, how bad it may have been with the attack. 

Yes, please try to remember the good times, you have done alot with your Lenny as far the garden, paintings, keeping his toys around, talk to him and keep his memory alive. I know you are only focusing on the ending part and his life. I wish i could have words to say to comfort you. You have to know you did the best that you could at the time and after numerous attempts to help your Lenny, did not
seem to get any better, you had to make a choice.

My heart goes out to you at this difficult time....please keep coming back and posting and know you are not alone.....we are all here on this forum to talk, grieve, scream, cry, the could haves, would haves etc and the feelings we have...about the reasons and the love we have for our precious "babies".

Cam


 
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MyLenny
Thank you William and Camunki

Everything I did was for my Lenny! Everything was worth it to me because he is/was so special! So fun! So loving! Kinda goofy! A huge love bug! My Sunshine, the reason to get up in the morning! He'd see me coming and would hold out his paw until I got there and we'd hug! He would just light up when I came into the room! Those beautiful, beautiful brown eyes that were so loving, but you could tell all the suffering too and the gratitude he had for being alive and with us! How can I do that to my best friend of almost 7 years! Yes, I know deep down we had to do it for us, but I just keep thinking there had to be a better way! I just wanted him to live a normal, happy life at least for a couple more years! He hung on for us when he was so sick! Why didn't we hang on for him at the end! I just wish I could live over those last days and do them differently! I love him so much! I would do anything for him! I just don't understand why he had to have all those things happen to him! He is/was so innocent, just like a child....it's just not fair! Oh, my Lenny boxer I hope you know mama is sorry! God bless my Lenny Boxer, my beautiful boy! 


Ann Meehl
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AlaskaKat
My heart hurts so much for you and precious Lenny. I thought of a couple of things when I was reading your post. At one point you said "He was O.K. and we killed him". I don't think he was O.K. any longer. Every time the episodes happened he was probably not happy at all. Also when you said "I wish we could have a couple more years". I'm thinking maybe you did. Maybe he was supposed to go a couple of years ago and was blessed to be here surrounded with your love and adoration awhile longer. You are very much a great Dog Mama. You went above and beyond for Lenny. Try to remember how much he loved you. I know it sounds stupid but what you did was also out of love. Even though he wasn't physically sick I think he was probably suffering. Somewhere down the road another might come in to your life but you will always have the very special angel Lenny in your heart and the awesome memories. Try to focus on those memories. I sound really funny to myself because I have been hearing those exact same things for 3 months now. We lost our angel too. she was the best dog in the world without a doubt. My husband and I are both miserable still. My heart hurts so bad I think I can feel physical pain in it. She was also 10 years old and I feel we were robbed. Why do so many animals that are super loved have to have such short lives? That will never be answered. I know none of the things we hear helps any but just know there are some out here that feel your exact pain. Sometimes it makes me sick. But IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Not at all. You loved him so much and who would have been there for him if you weren't? I will pray for you and your hurting heart and hope you can start to heal.
Kathy
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lettersatlarge

I'm so sorry for your loss of Lenny. That big sweet face, of course you miss him. I want to reiterate what AlaskaKat referenced to above. Lenny went through a lot in regards to his health but you clearly went to lengths only someone who truly loved someone would go to, to bring him back from the edge several times. Towards the end, he may not have been physically ill, but his mind was not the same. You mention you had to increasingly make efforts to keep him calm and to avoid his triggers, which seem to have added up over the years and become more frequent and more aggressive. I know it hurts, and no time at all could ever alleviate the loss, but consider his quality of life towards the end. He clearly was not in control of his triggers or his anxiety or aggression. I think of the experiences of owners here who've lost pets due to dementia and the like, and what it must have been like for their pups to suddenly lose time, forget where they were, not be in control of their feelings and fears, it would be torture for a human who could have their condition explained to them, but for our pets, its more difficult. Lenny would never knowingly hurt you or your husband, this is very clear from what you've expressed about him when he's in full control of himself. Your safety and well-being was just as important, and you had a responsibility to yourself and your spouse, and family, friends, strangers on the street, and especially Lenny, to do what was best. How horrible would it have been if Lenny himself got hurt during one of his episodes? If you or your spouse were hurt so severely that the choice was taken away from you?

 

I know none of this makes it better or fair or easier, and I know it doesn't bring Lenny back, but you gave him many good years, and love and patience that most would not have afforded. You made a decision that helped ease his suffering mind, and prevented a situation in which Lenny could have hurt you enough that he would feel the pain of hurting his beloved. I know that Lenny thanks you for setting him free, now he can run and play without fear or anxiety at the rainbow bridge. Please do not continue hurting yourself over this. What you did was an act of love.

Again, I am so very sorry.

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MyLenny
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lettersatlarge, AlaskaKat and others

I just want everyone to know that Lenny was a very good dog! He is the most Special Angel ever and it just feels so bad. It hurts that I may never see him again, yet my hope that I WILL see him again is the only thing that keeps me going! I pray he is with my Cam who was his best friend, and also MY 'heart' dog also. I pray they are with each other playing and being right next to each other all the time like before. Lenny was not a 'mean' dog. What ever happened at those times wasn't his fault. He'd never remember after the fact. The 'love' and 'patience' worked, he was always a perfect angel because I recognized his faults and I worked around him. He was never a threat to anyone else because we protected him and knew him so nothing ever happened. He was/is the most loving, loving dog I ever, ever came in contact with. So when we had to say goodbye, it was just like a huge vacuum sucked out my heart! He was so playful and happy at the time and just wondered what was happening I'm sure!. That's what breaks my heart. It is so different saying goodbye to an ill/sick dog or very old dog that is struggling. They have a look in their eyes that they are ready. They are very sick or in pain. Lenny wasn't. He was a very happy boy and normal when we did it. I just keep thinking about it. He was normal at the time. Would anyone say goodbye to a normal dog that you loved more than anything? A happy dog that just wanted to play with his favorite toy! I know he was probably sick in another way, but that doesn't take away the agony of watching your best friend die in front of you when all he wanted to do was play and love you up.....I can't help thinking of that! The day after he left, I wrote a poem that I can't even look at anymore because it is about him and the total trust he had for us and we did the ultimate worse thing possible to him! Deep in my heart I do know that something had to be done. But it's the fight between what he did and who he really was. I keep thinking what he did to me and how I was scared. But at the same time, I think of my boy. How beautiful he is/was. How perfectly dedicated he is/was to us....The beautiful brown eyes that adored us. And we adored him.... The days are getting closer to the one year mark and I know it will be horrible! I already live that day he attacked me over and over in my head a million times, but I still go over the next day which was even more horrible! To let my Lenny Go! My Special Angel! If there is anyone that would like to visit him at his Rainbow bridge and leave a note for him (He always loved it when people came over. He just hated to be alone), you can go to http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/Lenny009/Resident.htm I know he would really love it and I know he'd know! I would really appreciate it too.... I love my Lenny so much! Here's a picture of my Cam and Lenny together. 

Ann Meehl
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Lakelady
He was a beautiful boy, I am so sorry for what you all went through. There are no words, no reasons, only that I am truly sorry that this had to happen, but you gave him the best you could. Hugs!
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AlaskaKat









Hi Ann
I know in my heart that your precious Lenny was/is a really good boy. So full of love and sweetness. I look at his picture and I just want to grab him in my arms and cuddle for hours. I have been thinking about what happened to him. I refer to it as "happened to him" because it is not any of his doing. I wanted to tell you my sisters best friend had a dog (a boxer) and a similar thing happened. She got him at about 10 weeks old and he was just a big love puppy like Lenny. Just a total sweet lover of everyone and everything just like Lenny. He was about 4 years old and he started having seizures. Awful really bad violent seizures where his body would thrash around and sometimes hurt himself.  They put him on anti seizure meds but it didn't help much. Then it got to when he would have a seizure he would get really aggressive and sometimes bite. She had a little boy when her dog was about 2 and she got to be worried about it. Other than that one thing he was the best baby sitter and he adored the little boy. Always sleeping up against him and outside any time he wouldn't leave the boys side. Then it happened and he did bite the boy on the shoulder. They had been gone and didn't realize he had a seizure and came home and the boy went straight to the dog and he nailed him. Her husband said they couldn't chance it any longer. She loved that dog just like she loved her son. I know it sounds kind of strange but people can not understand if they haven't ever loved a dog in that way. My dogs are literally my children and I would do anything any other parent would do for their kids. Probably more than some. Well, she knew they had to do it and she was so sick about it. She thought maybe he had some kind of brain tumor or something causing it but didn't ask her vet anything about checking till after. I just wanted to share her story with you so you know others have gone through similar. Her dog was in no way every aggressive to anyone or any other animal. He was just pure love. Something had control of him at those times that no one can explain. It is so damn unfair to our innocent precious fur babies. I make myself literally sick sometimes thinking about our girl we lost in May. I can feel physical pain in my heart that almost puts me to the floor sometimes. I believe time will help but her absence in always going to be noticed in our lives. I think some day we will get to the point we can talk about the funny things she did and the loving sweet things and I believe you will to for Lenny. He is such a handsome fellow and we truly can tell he is a big lover. I just want to smooch all over his face. I also believe they're waiting for us I truly believe that and it gives me hope. I really wish I could say something to help and I know nothing does but my heart dose hurt for you along with the hurt from ours. I prayed for you today and thats why I started thinking about you and wanted to tell you. I will keep praying for you and truly hope peace for you.
kathy

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shantismom
Ann, I don't know if what I am about to say will make sense to you or not but because your Lenny was such a good boy, because he loved you so much if he knew what happened when he turned aggressive I am certain he would have been glad with the decision you made.  Your baby would never have wanted to hurt you, so if he knew he would say "Please Mom, don't let me do this again."
You showed such love and care for your boy, he knew how much he was loved and he loved you in return but something went wrong with him, something he couldn't help, something he didn't even realize.  You absolutely did the right thing.
When my cat died I thought I would never feel good again, on the first anniversary of him being gone I thought of how for one year my sweet boy had not had one moment of pain, sickness or stress.  He was completely free from all problems.  Your sweet boy is also completely free, for almost a year Lenny has had no fears, no pain, no stress, nothing to disturb or upset him.  Try to think about that when you are overwhelmed with grief.  Lenny, the wonderful Lenny is all right.

Marlene Wagner
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MyLenny
AlaskaKat and shantismom

I am very grateful for your replies. AlaskaKat (Kathy) Thank you for sharing the story of your sister's best friend's dog. I just don't understand how God can allow such suffering to such innocent, pure creatures. They've never done anything wrong! My other dog whom Lenny is pictured with above was Lenny's best friend, they were inseparable and it hurt really, really bad when he left us too. He had a brain tumor and started to have seizures. He never got aggressive. We didn't even know he was sick. He hid it and would go upstairs and try to go into an upstairs closet to seize, there's scratch marks where he tried to get in the closet. I didn't know til afterwards, he wanted to spare us the worry and pain of him being sick. By the time he couldn't help it anymore, started seizing non stop, it was too late...The sweet boy left us. I didn't even get to say good bye! He and Lenny and I were so close! It hurt so bad when Cam left us, and when Lenny got so sick, it was just 2 years since Cam left and I couldn't let Lenny go! I was so scared he was going to leave us too! I am so sorry for your loss too, both of you. I know it hurts when they go, it hurts I won't see them! It hurts when I feed the other boys. It hurts when I cook for them and I used to cook for Lenny and he's not here! Lenny is/was the most loving, smart, graceful boy! His love was sooo strong! He was strong! Because of love! I appreciate all the loving words from both of you...and I'm probably not making any sense of this. But I don't want that terrible day to come. The day we did that to my boy! My loving, strong baby boy! I was picking raspberries in my yard last week for the first time this year...last time I picked them was when Lenny was here...he was right by me and I remember so clearly his sweet loving face. 'What ya doin' mom?' That's what it looked like he was saying. There are so many memories. On July 4th he should have been watching the fire works with his dad on the deck. He loved them! He couldn't hear them because he was deaf and he just loved the pretty lights. He is/was such a proud boy! Proud to be our dog! Proud to wear his sweater we gave him in the winter. Proud to eat all his food up! Looking up at us with his sweet brown eyes! Yes, my pain is physical. My heart hurts so bad just like yours does. I get headaches from crying all the time. Can't sleep at night and I know I am very depressed. I am so sorry Lenny! I hope he knows...I hope he knows how sorry I am! How much I love him and how much I miss him! God bless you both! thank you for your kind words. It all makes sense but at the same time Lenny is a precious life...and we did that to him...My mind is fighting this. because deep down, a person can't live like this but at the same time....he wasn't a dog to me he was part of me...an intimate part of my life and heart! He knew that and I knew that! There is no one to talk to here. My husband just doesn't understand even though he misses him and hates what we had to do. But it's Lenny I say, nothing....he doesn't see the changes in me, the anger, the depression....Lenny loved him so much too... sorry I'm rambling on.... God bless
Ann Meehl
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CK1991
Hi Ann, It was wonderful that you rescued Lenny. As you said, you unfortunately don't know what happened to him before you got him and some things are so hard to get past. It's strange that he liked to eat grass so much - made me wonder if he had some bad bacteria but then I thought maybe he had been starved and ate grass in the past to try and fill his belly. I know it can taste good to dogs so again these things would have happened to him as a young puppy and stayed with him. From what you described it sounds like some form of PTSD when something was triggered and that is hard enough for a person to overcome. I am not a psychologist so I don't know. The things we do know are that he was not well treated as a puppy but also that he came to a home where he knew love, joy going for car rides and a feeling of being at and having a home of his own. It's so sad that we can't go back and press Restart and fix everything that happened but you did so much for your beloved Lenny. I feel like he is truly at peace now in every sense of the word: whole again in every way. Try and hang on to the good times you had with him and how you changed his life. Dogs are strong and even when he was sick I think the most important thing would be the feeling of love and being cared for that he got from you and your husband. I think that sadly your husband was right and he was coming to the end of the good times. You were able to be with him and let him go peacefully. If he had really hurt someone during after one of those triggers happened he might have been seized and who knows what would have happened to him. Instead you gave him a loving life and a loving death. You will see Lenny again I'm sure and I also feel that he is so grateful to you for the life you gave him and most especially for all of the love. Be assured he loves you and is grateful for everything you did for him. Please take care.
CK
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MyLenny
I just don't know what to do anymore! Yesterday was the 1st anniversary of my Lenny being gone! I just can't bear the thought! Lenny was the most sweet and loving boy there ever was! He brightened every day! He was so smart! I remember him when I used to have to get up in the middle of the night. I would try to be as quiet as possible! I knew he couldn't hear me so I would not turn on any light and block the light coming from under the door so he wouldn't know. He still would know! He'd always get up and greet me and see me to the door. Look up with those beautiful brown eyes and say "see you soon, mom'. Then I'd watch him turn around and head back to the living room where he was sleeping. I always hated to leave him and I always cried when I had to make a long trip to Colorado and leave him for a week. I missed him so much and I know he missed me! He even went out of remission from his IMHA once when I left because he missed me so much! It was horrible when I came back and he had to be hospitalized again with transfusions and IVs. It was so hard to go, but I was care giver also to my brother who had stage 4 cancer. It tore me to pieces to leave Lenny, then it tore me to pieces to leave my brother! Lenny was always there when I came home from CO. Even in the middle of the night! I would sneak in and just get into my room and then I'd hear his little paws under the door wanting to see me. I'd open the door and he'd greet me so happily. Then he'd get his favorite toy and give it to me. Then I'd sleep with him after giving him a treat or two. He would be so happy to see me! I miss him so much! I can't stop crying! I am so angry! at my husband for not doing things probably that he should have done. If he would have done this or that....then Lenny would still be here! I Love my Lenny so much! If you could have just looked into his big brown eyes you would have fallen head over heals in love with him! He loved much because he suffered so much! He knew what it took. He knew what love was and his love was so strong! I just don't know what to do any more.  My baby Lenny! I love you Lenny! I am so sorry! My innocent little Len! . . .
Ann Meehl
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