NelsonsMom
I recently loss my 12 year dog Nelson about 2 weeks ago. He always appeared to be healthy and strong until the past six months. His appetite started to decrease, he was trembling and appeared to be in pain, which he was great at disguising. After a series of tests, we had an abdominal ultrasound done which showed metastatic cancer. He became palliative at this point. I am grateful for every extra moment I had with him, we were able to do some bucket list days, like going the beach. He died one month after his diagnosis.
I cared for him the best I could until the end when his pain just got to be too much. I couldn't see him suffer and starve to death. But I had a really hard time with euthanasia, and saying goodbye. It's so final and quick. They are here one second and gone the next. And there's no going back.
I seem to be having panic attacks around the same time every day, and it's right around the time we were taking him to the vet to be euthanized. I have to take Ativan to calm myself down, every day since. I have pain in my chest, I'm crying, feel sick to my stomach.
I'm currently at home on disability, and Nelson was with me 24/7, for the past 8 years. He's been with me through many milestones in my life. He would sleep by my side in bed every night, and look up at me in the morning when I woke, almost to say good morning Mom, what are we up to today? He was such a great dog, loved life, loved his walks, playing ball, didn't matter what we we're doing he just wanted to be with me and to be loved. I don't have children, so my fur babies mean the world to me. My dogs went everywhere with me. I still have another dog at home, and a cat, so the house isn't empty. But nothing seems to stop this ache in my heart for Nelson. He had a special place for sure. I felt so connected to him, it was almost like he knew what I was thinking. He was a smart, fun loving soul.I would do anything to be able to touch his fur, kiss his face, and look into those beautiful eyes of his one more time.
I got his ashes back a couple of days ago. I'm in disbelief that my once beautiful little dog is now ashes in a ceramic urn. If someone told me six months ago that my dog would be dead, I would of thought they were crazy. It all happened so fast. I guess I'm still having trouble accepting his death and that he's gone.
I'm really grateful for this forum, I was feeling quite isolated for awhile with my feelings of such overwhelming grief. I wasn't sure if it was normal, I feel relieved reading your posts, and feel better.
Thank you.❤
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Zinnia
I am very sorry about your loss of Nelson. It is horrible to lose a great dog. My dog, Harmony, was recently diagnosed with cancer. She is only nine and like Nelson , a great little dog. She is being treated, but it is incurable and I don,t know how much time she has. Like you, I have been having panic attacks. There is nothing anyone can do or say. I am glad you are feeling a bit better in such a sad situation.
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NelsonsMom
Hi Zinnia,
So sorry to hear about Harmony's cancer diagnosis. I pray that her treatment will keep her comfortable and give you both some extended time together. The panic attacks totally suck. But being able to talk about it is helpful. I was very anxious before Nelly died, mostly because of the fear of the unknown. I wanted him to die naturally at home, but that rarely happens peacefully. And the thoughts of euthanasia made me sick to my stomach. It's the whole letting go process that I found hard to accept. It's hard to let go of part of your heart.But in the end you have to do what's right for them, as much as it kills you to say goodbye. I found a good article about anticipatory bereavement, it helped me understand why I was so anxious before Nelly's death. I will try to find it, and pass it along to you.
Hugs and snuggles to you and Harmony❤
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NelsonsMom
https://docs.wixstatic.com/ugd/01c4b2_377301a65c2b4a958aa8eb5b3b2eaaa6.pdf

Zinnia, this is the link to the article I had mentioned. I hope it helps.
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Zinnia
Thank you for the link to the article. Your bond with Nelson sounds very much like mine with Harmony. I am having a hard time imagining life without her. I am trying to keep her life as normal as possible and enjoy what time we have.
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