If you had to do this, please don’t feel shame, because I pray I won’t be shamed either. I write this from a sensitive and raw self.
I adopted such a cute cute kitten just 14 days ago and made the very painful decision to return her to a reputable place that is dedicated to only adoption, never harm.
I lost my Sadie 6 weeks ago and I felt overcome by loneliness that I adopted this beautiful girl. She was sick 2 days after I brought her home, and I took her to the vet and emergency hospital 4 times in 2 weeks due to high temps. Poor little thing. I fed her by syringe, monitored her fever at home, administered meds. It bonded me more to her. I loved her quickly.

But for some reason.. and I’ll admit—it felt absolutely out of my control, I was emotionally and physically ill and while I loved her i simultaneously felt a smothering weight just by having a new cat in my world after Sadie died. Why couldn’t I just feel differently?? Snap out of it! Lots of people grieve and get new cats.
Many well meaning people told me to wait and perhaps I would feel differently later. I ALWAYS second guess my decisions, so it had me literally frozen, curled up on the couch for a 7 days, but I would make myself get up to care for her medical needs and play whenever she had more energy. I could do nothing else.

I just couldn’t take it. The back and forth in my mind about whether to keep her or not was all I could think about. Should I wait? She’s amazing! So what if Sadie passed away recently, you should not feel this way!

Then the vet told me she would likely have recurring illnesses and mentioned euthanasia at one point when her fever spiked to 106. My fears doubled that I would have to euthanize. No, no! I just had to euthanize SADIE. Let this little girl, Sana live!!! I named her Sana for “health”, that’s my wish for her.

She had a rather miraculous recovery at one point, but my Vet cautioned me that there would likely be lots of issues to come.

It wasn’t even her illnesses. I wanted her and to give her the very best becuase she deserves it. Yet I could not make the crushing anxiety go away... perhaps from my grief process over the one I just lost.
I made the decision with many tears, to take her in because I could not see another way out without taking a step.

The animal rescuers had a really great reputation. They will provide her future medical treatments and exam before she is adopted out. That way, the family who cares for her will be aware of her health history and the care she received from vets while with me.
She’ll be swooped up so quickly, as she’s wonderfully friendly. I can’t control who adopts her, I wish I could. I won’t look on their website to see who she’s going home with- it would make me ill, I think.

I wish I could see her as she grows. I wish I could know what kind of cat she becomes. I now understand that you can love something so much... but complications are real. I’m truly blessed to have cared for Sana, even just for 14 days.

Sana, I consider it a blessing to have cared for because you are the sweetest little thing.
I don’t understand why the world works the way it does, but this is us now. I’ll think of you often.
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It was so good of you to take care of her. 
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