MelinB2
I lost my beautiful boy last Thursday and am having such a hard time of it.  I had to travel for business and had recently also lost my dog sitter to cancer.  Paco had been fighting cancer also but was a warrior... lasting 3 yrs and 2 mos past diagnosis.  We fought mostly holistically... though we did do a short round of palliative radiation 2 yrs ago.  Anyway, I knew we were getting there but he still had good quality of life, eating and drinking well.  But his walking was getting slow and since his cancer was on an anal gland and lymph nodes, I think that area was very tender.  I had a Vet come to assess him and he thought since he was 13, it could also be arthritis... All I know is I had to travel for work for 3 days and opted to take him to Ct. to my friends' home with a back yard.  (I live in NYC).  He was happy as can be there, he loved them so.  But the car rides were very hard for him.  The way back was a lot of traffic and he couldn't get comfortable.  When he got out of the car he was hunched and walking very tentatively.  I knew we were in trouble.  He couldn't poop because his legs were not able to support him. He pooped a little bit in the lobby but then fell over and couldn't get up.  We carried him upstairs.  I called the Vet to come again, to help.  While waiting he did get up and I got him out but he couldn't do anything.  I tried again when they got there, he pooped a little bit but then winced in pain and was like desperately trying to get away from it.  I'd never seen his back legs like that.  I knew they were getting bad, but he had IBD and pancreatitis recently so it was difficult to give him anything for the arthritis, except pain meds which we had.  But it seemed we had crossed a line.  I couldn't let him be in pain and I couldn't see how we were going to get thru the night, if he couldn't go.  He couldn't get himself in position to pee even.  The Vet said, 'I know what i would do if he were my dog.' She said he was great from the chest up but his backside was in really bad shape. But I felt like he didn't want to go.  At one point, he sorta talked to me and got up and drank a lot of water.  I honestly feel like he was trying to tell me no.  And while I went downstairs, he got himself up and laid down in my bedroom away from the Vet.  He still seemed distressed but calmer.  I was a mess.  I just didn't know what to do, all I could think is what if I wait and he collapses outside and I'm alone and he's in pain?  I can't bring him to the hospital.  I had promised him no more Vet offices or hospitals, he hated them soooo much.  His whole body shook with fear when we went and I knew there was no way I could get him in a car the way he was.  And so I said, okay... I held him and apologized and told him what an amazing boy he was.  And that we'd see each other again.  I talked about our good times, the time we chased that deer in the woods.  But honestly, it wasn't the best good bye because these strangers were there.  (My other Vet wasn't available). Oh my God, it was the hardest thing I've ever done.  And I'm so worried he's mad at me.  People kept telling me that they let you know when they're ready and I feel he was telling me he wasn't.  I don't know how I will live with myself.  I miss him so much.  And I feel so so bad about our last day.  I thought I could share here and you would understand because so many of my friends just don't.  thank you for listening.  Melinda
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Baileysbro
So sorry for your loss.


Ken
Bailey
October 31, 2002 - April 19, 2016 10:25 P.M.
My best friend, my companion, my love

[e8de4bc1-77ae-4da2-9834-109b68b6cda8]

[Paws-for-the-News-Grieving-the-loss-of-a-pet] 
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CKMP
Melinda,
I am so so sorry for your loss.  And your experience brings tears to my eyes.  I don't really know what to say as I have too recently lost my own girl.  But I can tell you I truly understand what you are experiencing.  To make that 'fateful decision' is the most gut wrenching, soul destroying experience.  Someone on this forum told me though that it was the most unselfish decision one can make - you chose to take Paco's pain away from him and give it to yourself.  I know how you feel about making this decision and hoping and praying it was the best.  I know how you feel about wanting to see a sign from Paco - believe me - I too believe my girl did not give me that sign, or at least in the pain and emotion of the moment I did not see it.  The loss is so fresh and so close - the grief so deep and so all consuming right now.  I have said before I believe we are forever bound with our heart-dogs - I think of it as a slender, golden thread that weaves its way around the two hearts forever and ever.  You made the decision to help Paco - with the best intentions and the best information you had.  My girl too had a good quality of life until overnight - then within 48 hours she was gone.  Pancreatitis, chronic renal failure and Addison's disease - but we too fought for 6 of her 10 years with medicine and holistic remedies and support.  She too did not give me the sign and I now, still two months later try to live with the guilt that comes back in waves to smack me down.  Believe me I know how you are feeling, and not feeling.
Paco was a true friend and the measure of the strength and depth of our bond is symbolized through our grief.  Tears, a dark fog and a profound sense of loneliness are to be expected.
Take care of yourself now - Be kind and come here often to talk, cry, and lean on the shoulders of many kind people who know and understand.  Hugs.

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Sammi_Jo
I am so sorry. I could not have traveled the first week after Sammi Jo passed. Today is two weeks. The first week is horrible. I hope you can find some time to just grief. My son has finals this week, then he comes home. It will be the first time he will have a chance to face the loss of our dog since she passed. I am very worried about that day. 

Nothing anyone can say will dull the pain. But it is very nice to know others are going thru the same thing and its nice that others care. Good luck
Steven
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MelinB2
Thank you, Ken, CKMP and Steven, I am so sorry for your losses.  It's just the hardest thing in the world but you've each helped me a little sharing your stories and knowing I'm not alone.  We fought that damn cancer for so long... I don't know what to do with myself except cry.  And share over and over... Thanks so much for listening.  xoxo Paco couch.jpg 
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Baileysbro
What a pretty dog your Paco.

Keeping his memory alive is what helps, hurts too at times, but it does bring comfort. 

I even talk to Bailey.  Even though he's not here physically, I still feel him around.

But the tears will come as they will, its been three weeks tomorrow since I lost Bailey, and tears fall on a daily basis and suddenly without warning sometimes.  We all miss our beloved pets and even though the outside world fails to understand our grief--even some fellow pet owners--there is support here.
Bailey
October 31, 2002 - April 19, 2016 10:25 P.M.
My best friend, my companion, my love

[e8de4bc1-77ae-4da2-9834-109b68b6cda8]

[Paws-for-the-News-Grieving-the-loss-of-a-pet] 
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winstonsmom12
Melin  I am very sorry to read about Paco.   It's ok to cry.  My Winston has been gone over 2 months now, and I cry everyday.  Cancer is a horrid disease, for humans or animals.  You did the right thing for Paco.  You may not believe it now, but he is thanking you for putting an end to his misery. 

I never got an exact diagnosis on my Winston, but I could see over the last month or so of his life, he was miserable and suffering.  Everyone here is grieving for their lost babies.  Come here often.  Blessings Sue
Susan
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MelinB2
Thanks, it helps to hear from ppl and it's true.  I was just in the elevator and someone with a dog, said, 'oh well, you can always get another one.'  Like I could ever replace him... He was my heart dog, my first dog ever... our connection was so special because he was so special.  anyway, there I go again... I'm sorry for your losses and I so appreciate not being alone in my grief.
Best,
Melinda
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Baileysbro
Yes you can get another, another personality to explore, another individual that wont replace Paco ever.  You will feel ready when that time comes.  Yes, you can can get another but never another Paco.
Bailey
October 31, 2002 - April 19, 2016 10:25 P.M.
My best friend, my companion, my love

[e8de4bc1-77ae-4da2-9834-109b68b6cda8]

[Paws-for-the-News-Grieving-the-loss-of-a-pet] 
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jimmy17
Melinda, I`m so very sorry for your loss. Paco was a beautiful boy, and he really was a little warrior. Its just so tough when we lose these special little souls who have become such a huge part of our hearts. You did everything possible for him, and no way would he be mad at you. We lost our old dog Jim 5 months ago, it all happened so quick overnight and our own vet was not available, so we had to take him to an out of hours vet to have him put to sleep peacefully.  A lot of my friends and family seemed to think I would be ok in a few days, and this upset me so much. He was the centre of our world,and I still have really bad days, but I know he had a great life with us, and we`ll meet him again one day. Just know you are never alone on this lovely, caring site, everyone understands how you are feeling right now. 

                                Hugs, Jackie
J Taylor
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Sammi_Jo
Paco was a good looking boy. I had a dog that looked a lot like Paco when I was a little boy, hell its been 38 years ago now. her name was tracy. She was old when I got her and when she died, I was one heart broken little boy.

I will have to agree with Ken! The tears will flow daily and you never know when they will. The day after Sammi Jo passed was my mothers 69th birthday. I held it together for an hour so I could have dinner with her, went over to a female friends house and soaked her shirt with my tears. Ive known her 30 years and that is the first time she ever saw me cry.  The next day, Wed, it must have really hit home, because I cried most of the day and all night.  I was talking to her, telling her how much I love her, and how much I will miss her. I still have guilt that I was not there when she died.  I will for the rest of my days.

My advise.....cry! cry as much as you can. Look at his pictures and talk to him. Let him know with your words how much you love him. He knows but say it anyways.

I am so sorry for your loss. One question I have for God is why does he give us such a special gift, but for such a short time? 
Steven
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