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Mija2003
Dear macfrodo,
I a.m. sorry for your loss, I know how this feeds as I am going through this right now. I also feel the guilt at the Los of my cocker spaniel Mija who was 14 and 2 months. I fell a horrible guilt too, feel a part of me is gone with her. She gave me an ood look the night before and i didn't respond or react and the next morning she was gone.
it's our responsibility for their care and we love these little creatures as much as the love they have given us. I haven't found any comfort in my tragic lose, I ty to understand maybe out was her time, but the grief, pain is there and its hard each day to get through the daily routine we has together. Mija also had a sister that she left behind Bella and she looks lost too. I wish i had answers but maybe this group will help by just sharing.
I am sure you did the right and best thing for you're beloved doggy finney, don't question yourself, you made a selfless choice for your baby so he wouldn't be In pain. Prayers mike and God bless, may his spirit comfort you.

Norma
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Mija2003
LordDelacroix wrote:

My heart and soul goes out to each of you. I never thought I'd be in this position myself. I've had pets before when I was a child and losing them, while hard, wasn't devastating. But Milton - I now understand just what people have been telling me all these years. There is indeed something special in the love these little furbabies give us. And they give it without question or want. A never to be forgotten lesson in unconditional, unrelenting love.

In July of 2015 my son and I met Milton at a Rocky Mountain Cocker Rescue show in southeast Denver. We live in Parker so it was a good 40-minute ride to see the cocker spaniels. It was mostly on a lark that we went and really only to start the search for a pet for him. I truly feel that it is just about criminal for a little boy to grow up without a pet. As we drove up there we talked about responsibility. Feeding, watering, treats, training, play and walking. The talks went well and we began to feel eager that we might meet THE DOG that day. Little did we know. None of the more energetic dogs were interested in either of us. Not one. Finally after parking it on the floor with some of the volunteers, this not so little American Apricot Cocker Spaniel crawled over to my son and put his head on his thigh. My son petted him as did I for a moment while I discussed the adoption procedures, fees, and whatnots with the volunteers. When my son stopped petting Milton, Milton's paw came up to touch my son's hand and his soulful eyes looked up into his eyes. I could just about read the dog's mind - "I liked that ... please pet me some more!" I cried then as my son reached over and petted him, smiling.

I asked the volunteers if my son could walk him and they agreed, especially since it had been awhile since Milton had been outside. 30 minutes later I was running outside fearful that either had gotten hurt or lost only to find my son coming around the corner with the BIGGEST smile I had ever seen on his face. I hurried over and asked him how it went and he couldn't contain his excitement and delight. Inside, I grabbed the adoption paperwork and we left. A quick call to my wife to discuss a potential adoption and my son asked if we could have him. I told him we'd have to go through the vetting process but that we might be able to adopt him. It depends. He started crying - that was the first time I'd seen my son cry. A quick call to the rescue people while heading home and the wheels for Milton's adoption began to turn. Visit home to see our backyard. Assurances that we would take very good care of him, vet located and signed on, and we had Milton.

Thyroid problems, cataracts, hearing loss and arthritis - no biggie - I fell in love with Milton faster and harder than anyone in the house. Milton slowly took to his new home and really warmed up to me the most. Stairs were an issue but gentle encouragement with assistance on occasion got him upstairs for bed each night. Soon, he managed to come up on his own and bark softly if the bedroom doors weren't open and he always chose my room. I had bonded more deeply with Milton than I ever had before with a dog or any pet for that matter. I was sold, lost in the gentle affection and true loyalty that little bundle of fur had for me.

Milton's favorite place in all the house was at my feet. Whether I was working in the office, cooking dinner in the kitchen or relaxing on the sofa with the family while watching a movie. Milton, my Milli-Momo Bear, clearly had fallen for me too. Walks every morning, afternoon, evening and night. Weekly trips to the Dog Park and monthly grooming trips. Milton LOVED his bath time. He always would just sit there and enjoy the water and the scrubbing with the shampoo. He even loved the drying and especially in the summer when we'd go lay out in the sun.

When standing just about anywhere in the house, Milton would either put his head between my legs or bump me with his nose. When he'd bump me with his nose, if I resisted petting him, he'd bump be harder a couple more times then bark softly and I would cave every time, sitting down on the floor and scratch his muzzle while we'd rub noses and stare into each other's eyes. I could stare into his eyes for hours. I will sorely miss that and when I do it with Silk, I can tell she loves it but for me, there is something missing.

About eight weeks ago, my father began having significant health issues and six weeks ago, he died. While it hurt to lose my father even though he was 82 and I'm 60, it really didn't bother me so much because I KNOW his hip pain is now gone and his longing and sorrow for my mother who passed away 10 years ago, is now gone as well. He's in a better place. Three weeks after losing him to the day, The Lord saw fit to hit me with Kidney Stones. If you haven't had them I don't encourage you to find out. Drink more water and avoid them AT ALL COSTS! 2 10-325 Oxycodone every 2 hours was what it took to finally cut the pain down to something manageable. 3 weeks, to the day, after the ER trip to find the stones and Milton's gone. I am completely devastated. I know when we got him and how strongly we had bonded that it would be difficult when his card came up. What I didn't know was just how deeply and profoundly his passing would affect me. When I say devastated, that doesn't quite cover it. I can't sleep. I can't stop sobbing. My wife and son are unable to console me and in truth, I don't feel as though I am consolable. My friends have tried to help but all I do is sob. I've given up bathing and eating and working ... I simply want to be with my Milli-Momo Bear. Even my son has been handling this better than I have. I'm embarrassed to even admit this has so torn my soul asunder. I'm angry, hurt, and now looking for a grief counselor. When I describe myself as a wreck and crashing further, that doesn't quite cover it. I'm lost and don't know how to recover. I know that, like my father, Milton is in a better place. He's playing in a field with my father who was a serious animal lover and loved Milton too. I know that Milton anxiously awaits my turn and he's bouncing on his front feet biting the air at the prospect of seeing me again. On some level, I suppose it helps to know these things. On many others, it doesn't and I know that everyone here knows exactly how I feel and what is going through my heart right now.

That God gave us such amazing creatures is simply unbelievable. These pets we have, ask for a scratch here and there, a warm bed and meal each day some water and a little attention now and again. Lord, please help me get through this loss. I know there is a message in the sorrow and pain I now feel and that in time, with your guidance and continued love and support I will make it to the other side of this.

Milton-31.jpg  317.jpg 

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Darleen
Dear LD,  I know how inconsolable you feel.  Pls try to find strength in knowing Milton would not want you to be in such a bad state.  Milton had an amazing life filled with immense love.  I know what a struggle it is to get through the pain.  I had to euthanize my chihuahua Sambucca on 1/19 because of kidney failure.  He was only 5.  I try to hang on to the belief that Sambucca as well as Milton know we did the best we could and loved them so very much.  I have to believe that we will all be reunited with our fur angels one day.  I am sending you strength and hugs.  Please feel comfort knowing all on this site know exactly how you feel and are here for you when you need us.   Darleen
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exit30
Guilt is something we all feel when you have to make the decision to let your best friend go, was it the right time, did he/she have more life to live etc., there is no way to know. Most of us have closer relationships with our pets than with our families, I know we do, but the decision to let them go is heart wrenching beyond compare. 

All we can do is reflect on the life we gave them, but allow yourself time to grieve, even if it is years. 
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Casterini
I just typed a very long reply and lost it. Dear Mike I am going through the same as you and it's horrible. All I can say is the waves of grief get further apart and less frequent in time. Talk to those who understand. Write it down. Phone pet loss helplines and talk. Watch movies. Be with people. Walk. Do whatever you can to refocus your mind. Listen to guided meditations. Am sending you so much love and hugs and peace and healing. Xxxxxxxxxx
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trishaleighkc
Hi, Mike

I'm so sorry for your loss of Finney. Like many others here, I echo my understanding and empathy - so many of us have dealt with debilitating guilt after loss. It consumed me after my old dog, Yoda, had to be put down (old age issues) at the end of December. All I can say is that you will find a way to work through it. You will come out the other side. And it totally sucks while the questioning, doubt, and what ifs are all you can replay and think about while you grieve. 

A week after I lost Yoda, I had a large, weepy breakdown that lasted an hour or more. After that, it started to get a bit better, day-by-day. It's been a little over a month now and I still feel a heaviness in my chest when I talk or think about him, but I can tell stories about the funny pup he was in his better days and not cry.

Which is all to say, give yourself time. We're here for you while you do. <3

Trisha
Trisha
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furevercasey
Hello, Mike. It has been some time since I have posted on here but your story really touched me and reminded me of my own experience. I lost my precious little girl over 15 months ago. Those first days and weeks were filled with gut wrenching agony. My girl had just turned 16 years old. As I saw her age and decline, I thought I would be ready for her passing. I knew I would be sad but I had no idea how hard it would actually be. Don't be ashamed of feeling that your grief for Finney is deeper than the grief you felt for your mother. Losing my dog was harder than losing my father and many people I've talked to say the same. Our pets love us unconditionally and they are always by our sides. Even when we are not physically with them, we are thinking about them and their needs. It's only natural that we feel their loss so deeply.

I understand your feelings of guilt but please try not to beat yourself up. I feel like I did everything wrong in the last months of my baby's life. The guilt still nags at me from time to time but the truth is that none of us would have ever done anything to cause our babies any harm. I believe we all do the best we can with the information we have at the time. It's so easy to second guess ourselves after the fact but none of us can predict the future. If we had made other decisions, who is to say whether the outcome would have been positive or negative? I think we would feel guilt no matter how it would have ended.

I can tell you that your grief and guilt will get better with time but will probably never go away entirely. I still miss my girl terribly and cry when I think of her. The only advice I can give you is to talk to people who understand by finding a support group or posting on this forum and try to keep busy so you don't become consumed by your grief. Those are the only things that helped me. Please feel free to email me any time.

I'm sorry for your loss. Finney was a beautiful boy and he was truly lucky to have you. You gave him a great life.
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Jerry12117
Mike, I can relate to you I had to have my baby boy put down on 12-1-17 they said he had a infection and his body had shut down, I trusted the vet but everyday I thought did I do all I could did I make the right choice, I did not 31st sleep was a total mess, I prayed to God for answered and I talk to my baby everyday, I don't no if I made the right choice in my mind, but in my heart I no he is not in pain sick or hurting, I no he is at the rainbow bridge having a great time and when my days are done I will be reunited with him forever. He was like my child I felt more with his death than my dad's but I believe he knows I loved him have him a great life and I did what I did for him, I can send you my number if you need someone to talk to, just remember all the great times you had with him and talk to him it sounds crazy but it helped I did not shed a tear at my daddy's funeral but cried like a baby for days with my stoney we recently got a new kitten for our other car to have a companion I thought at first it was rude and selfish but after talking with the group I discovered it was ok it will not yak his place or replace him it was a rescue I no a little bit of my hubby is in this kitten and he would want me to move on and he will see me again one day and we will be together forever.
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FuzzyLogic
I went through the same thing when we had to put our beloved Maddie down two months ago.  Yes, we could have held on a few more weeks with her.  Yes, we could have tried some adventurous medical treatment.

But she was miserable.  She could barely walk and she wasn't eating.  Time was coming for her anyway, and delaying it just made the poor girl suffer.

Putting a pet down is right up there on the list of the worst things a person eve has to do.  But when you do it, you are taking your friend's pain and suffering on yourself so that they won't have it anymore.  That is an act of love.  It's not easy to think of a greater one.
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ElliotBoBelliot
Hi Mike, I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. My little guy is currently at an animal hospital getting antibiotics and a series of nebulizer/oxygen treatments. He's been there since last Thursday and the pain is already all consuming. We have no concrete answers at this point. The vet has narrowed it down to possible pneumonia or lung canacer. We've been on a roller coaster ride since November and are simply devastated that he's not getting better. It started out as bronchitis and has now led us to this point. I know the end is very near and I just want so badly to hold him. I don't want to do anything or be anywhere else other than with him. Life is unbearable at the moment.

My husband and I are unable to have children so our little Elliot has filled a void for many years that can't be remedied. He's our whole world. I have been racked with uncontrollable emotion this weekend and sought out help online. I came across this post and your words have comforted me like non other. I have now realized that Elliot is not mine, he belongs to God. If he's calling him home I cannot stand in his way. I am beyond grateful that God has allowed us the privilege of watching over him for the last 15 years. While I do not understand the point in animal suffering, I do know that God makes beauty out of ashes and I need to rely not on my own understanding. You've helped me to seek Gods hand through all of this and I couldn't be more thankful. 🐾❤

Stephanie
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Avabear
ElliotBoBelliot, I am also on that emotional rollercoaster with my Ava, she has cancer and only a short while left, it could be days or maybe a few weeks.  She has good days when I think maybe she'll be ok or maybe the vets got it wrong and she'll be with me for another 6 months and then she'll have a bad day or night and reality hits.  It's hard to see them suffer and it's hard to let them go. I hope she lets me know when she's had enough and I am strong enough to let her go with dignity.  I have asked her to come back and let me know she's ok when she's gone so I can have some piece of mind but I don't know..
Avabears mummy

'It came to me that every time I lose a dog they take a piece of my heart with them, and every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of their heart. If I live long enough all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are.' Anon

 

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sanjay
I am not surprised you feel such strong grief and the feelings of guilt over the choices.  I lost my cat in August and while it has gotten better, when I am at home alone, I sometimes still feel so bad about the end of his life.  I try to think about the 11 plus years of joy and the spoiled life he led and how that last day was just a tiny part of it and that helps.  I think the feelings of grief and guilt are so strong, stronger than at time for human loved ones, is that we are fully responsible for their lives.  It is akin, I imagine, to losing a child.

It gets better.  Here is what worked for me.
Think about the totality of his life, his death was just a small part of it.
Realize that all the doubts you had about his end of life treatment apply to people as well. When I was in mourning many people told me about decisions they had to make about parents or loved ones which they regretted or despite those choices death was painful or more prolonged than it should have been.  Death is horrible for all of us.  Realize that very few people die peacefully and there is often uncertainty about medical choice made.  Death is just awful and grief is normal.  
Finally realize your guilt and feeling of sadness are a reflection of your love for your cat.  It means your cat was loved and cared for.


Sanjay W
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COOKIES4
GOOD MORNING "OVERWHELMING SADNESS ABD GUILT. I AM USING CAPS AS I HAVE LOW VISION. MY NAME IS JOAN AND I TOTALLY WORD FOR WORD RELATE TO YOUR POSTING. MY COCKATIEL SPARKY WHO WAS OUR CHILD 29 SMART TALKED UNDERSTOOD EVERYTHING AND A PRECIOUS GIFT IN OUR LIVES. HE WAS NOT SICK OTHER BUT HAD A PRESSURE SORE ON HIS FOOT AND WAS SLOWING DOWN A BIT AND SLEEPING MORE. HE PLAYED , LISTENED TO HIS OWN VIDEOS THAT HE WATCHED ON MY PHONE. WE ARE HEARTBROKEN AT THE SUDDEN PASSING. AS YOUR STORY, I AM GUILTY OF NOT GOING IN THE ROOM MY HUSBAND AND I SHARED WITH HIM SOONER THE NIGHT OF DEC. 28TH 2017. CHECKING HIM CONSTANTLY WAS OUR ROUTINE AND SPENDING HOURS TOGETHER EVERY DAY WE ARE BOTH DISABLED AND ALWAYS HOME WITH SPARKY. HE WAS LEANING AGAINST HIS FAVORITE BELL TOY WHEN I WENT TO GET HIM UP FOR HIS DINNER. HE LOVED NOODLES PLAIN, GRAPE NUTS, SMALL BITS OF POTATO, AND WAS HEALTHY AND HAPPY. HIS LONGEVITY AS WITH YOUR FIR BABY SPEAKS TO THE WONDERFUL CARE AND UNCONDITIONAL LI'VE YOU GAVE HIM. I HELD SPARKY AS HE STRUGGLED TO BREATHE AND HE PASSED IN MY HANDS AT 7:15. COULD I HAVE SAVED HIM IF I WE T IN THERE SOONE I DO NOT KNOW BUT I WAS GRATEFUL JIM AND I WERE THERE DURING THE LAST PRECIOUS MINUTES OF HIS LIFE. HE WENT TO AN ER VET HOSPITAL WHERE THEY KEPT HIM FOR SEVERAL DAYS OVER HOLIDAY AND NEW YEAR. THEY TOOK GREAT CARE OF HIS POOR LITTLE BODY. HE WAS IN A BOX, WRAPPED IN FAVORITE SOFT CARS DESIGN PAPER TOWEL AND WARM FAVORITE RECEIVING BLANKET. THE CREMATORIUM, SWORE HE WOULD BE CREMATED IN HIS COMFORT BOX WITH HIS BLANKET. NEVER HAPPENED AND INSTEAD THEY THREW OUT EVERYTHING IN GARBAGE. IT WAS A PD FOR 180.00 PRIVATE CREMATION. I HAVE GUILT UPON GUILT AND OVERWHELMING GRIEF AND SADNESS I DID NOT PROTECT SPARKY EVEN AFTER HE PASSED DUE TO ANIMAL SERVICE CREMATORIUM IN WILL COUNTY, IL NEGLECT. I CRY AM FULL OF GRIEF EVERY MINUTE AND PRAY FOR SOME RELIEF. RAINBOWS BRIDGE HAS HELPED ME SO MUCH AND WILL HEKP YOU GET THROUGH THIS. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOUR OTHER FUR BABY SHE NEEDS YOU.
JOAN AND JIM
SPARKY'S MOMMY AND DADDY
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