espresso
I just lost the sweetest, kindest cat in the world three days ago. Espresso was 13. She could've been a therapy cat she was so kind and loving and gentle. I'm completely heartbroken and so mired in grief I can't imagine ever feeling normal again. I can't eat, am sleeping poorly, don't feel like doing anything. I know this is normal and it will get better. The crushing waves of sadness are more spaced out each day. But I find myself totally consumed with guilt. Overwhelming guilt. She died of kidney failure at home, in the middle of the night, while I was sleeping with my bedroom door closed. I will never forgive myself for this. I can't stop obsessing over what happened in the last few hours, and hating myself for not being there for her.

In the last six months or so, she'd lost weight despite being always hungry. She started drinking water more frequently, so I took her to the vet a couple months ago and they ran tests for her thyroid, diabetes, kidney function. All came back normal. A couple weeks after the vet appointment, still convinced something was wrong, I called the vet and she suggested I put her on a prescription kidney diet, as a prophylactic, just in case. I did, but she wouldn't eat the food, so we went back to her regular food. I'd mix in extra water since she seemed thirstier. Anyway, in the last two weeks, she started going to the bathroom outside the litter box, which was very unusual. Most often peeing. So I started laying tin foil out wherever she'd peed to deter her. It didn't; she just peed on the tin foil. So last Friday I made an appointment for the vet. I couldn't get an appointment on Saturday so had to wait until Monday. Sunday night, I noticed her urine was darker and sandy textured. I wish I'd taken her to the emergency room then. But she meowed for dinner and ate everything so I told myself I'd wait for her appointment the next day. She laid on top of me Sunday night and slept under a blanket while I watched tv. I went to bed (I'd slept with the door closed because the cats disrupt my sleep - but not anymore, the other two have been sleeping with me since she died). I woke up to find her lying on the floor, completely stiff. I felt like time stopped and my world was shattered.

I can't seem to forgive myself for not realizing she was so sick or suffering Sunday night, for not taking her to the ER, for sleeping with my door closed, for her being alone when she died. I have two other cats, one who was her brother and litter mate. I love them, but I really don't think was a cat as sweet and gentle and loving as Espresso. Everyone who ever met her, even once, saw that. This makes me even more sick with guilt and grief that I let her die and that she was alone. I feel like the grief is normal, but I can't see the guilt ever subsiding. Anyway, I just wanted to share my story. I'm so crippled with sadness I considered counseling, but I told myself I'd wait a week because the first week isn't supposed to be easy.

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MissYouZef
I know how you feel. I just lost my 14 year old cat on Sunday and I feel guilty as well. Espresso was an old cat, just like mine, so they lived long and happy lives. :) My Zeffie was a loving  cat just like yours, and we should feel proud of their lives and the joy they brought to others.

Zef lived with my parents and slept on their legs but often they would shut him out if he got to pesky. Don't worry about that, so many cat owners close their doors at night! There is no way you could have known. You had done everything right to care for your cat and i have read online, cats will hide their pain, so you weren't to know. Also, since she was acting fine until the end you know that she wasn't miserable, even if she was in pain. I know what you mean about feeling guilty though and i think it's a common theme with loving pet owners as ourselves. Take care, and I know exactly what you're going through.

Today after work I couldn't even make it all the way to the car before tears were streaming down my face and I sobbed once I got in the car and cried most of the way home. I miss Zeffie so much. But I trust that time will help us and it will get better for both of us. Take c are.
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Pam42
I am so sorry for your loss.  I also know how you feel.  I lost Annabelle on Sunday.

You should go to the chat tonight it starts I think about 8ish.  It really helped me a lot last night.
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MagzMom
I am so sorry about Espresso.  Try not to beat yourself up too badly.  We all do that here.  Espresso knew you loved them.  I hope you find some peace, as we all grieve.  I grieve along with you.  1 week is tough but it takes as long as it takes.  It's been nearly 3 weeks for me, and I still break down.....
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josie

I am also sorry for your loss of Espresso, I know how you feel with the guilt and grief. You did alot to take good care of your kitty and have nothing to feel guilty for. I know as I say this its part of the grief, if only's have been making me misarable off and on, Also I wish I had done this... or that... People tell me I have nothing to feel guilty for...  I also dont feel like doing anything and feel sick to my stomack. Please hang in there, we hurt because we loved them so much and want them to stay with us forever. I think I will try the chat soon.

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MissYouZef

I've been having a hard time with the 'if only's' this whole week.

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MagzMom
I know that feeling MissYou....should have would have could have. 
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espresso
Sorry to revive this old thread, but today, out of no where, the guilt came back with a vengeance. I haven't obsessed over her final moments for two weeks, and then today, can't stop thinking about it. I'm back to hating myself for letting her die alone, and feeling like I failed her. I really thought I'd gotten past the beating myself up part, but I'm hating myself all over again.
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MagzMom
I hope you can forgive yourself espresso.  This grief we are all going through is a process.  Sometimes the process moves forward, and other times it takes a step backward, some of the steps are small and some are leaps.  Try to remember the good care and love you gave to espresso, and not focus on the last day.  I am trying to do that, I know it's not easy.  Give yourself a break.  I am sure espresso loved you enough to. 
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