Rosalinda

I feel so sad and heartbroken without you. Friday I made the decision to have you put to sleep
and it was the worst experience ever. You became my joy and loving buddy when you were just 6 weeks old and I had you for 17 years
or would be this Christmas. I have no children so you were my baby. My beautiful little rat terrier. You were so smart and a true gentlemen.
I only had you for 3 years before got anther pup. We really bonded during that time.

These 17 years have been such a joy with many fond memories. Just 3 weeks ago, you started limping and I got the sadist news that you had bone cancer
which had spread to your lungs and you only had a few weeks to live.

As it got more painful to walk, you let me know you were so comfortable in my arms and appreciated me carrying you out and in to pee and poop.
But walking was painful due to the cancer tumor on your shoulder. Friday you started bleeding internally (pooping blood).
And you were dizzy trying to stand and didn't want to eat anymore. You were weak and could not hold your head up in your doggie bed.
I wish I had let you pass at home but I was so scared that you would suffer. You were my special boy and I wanted to protect you.
I admired your spirit with all the knocks you had in life like going blind at 12 due to glaucoma. At first you were so scared and wanted to only be on
my lap then you adjusted and acted like a regular dog.

You were trying your best to adjust horrible bone cancer as well. Last week I took you out to the park to your favorite sniff and pee spot and you
were fine with being in a carriage to and from. Once we got there you were like ok let me out. I know what to do here. :-)

Otto, please forgive me if I did the wrong thing. The Vet was very tender with you and I could tell you felt at ease. And I held you in my arms where
you felt safe during the procedure.

Everyone tells me I did the right thing but I don't feel that way. The Vet said you might have 2 more days but that I might regret putting you through that.
Your little body moved up and down 3 times when your heart was stopping. During that excruiatingly long second I was in horror. I was not expecticing that.
Everyone tells me they had different experiences and thier pups did not move at all. It kind of feels appropriate becuase you were all heart.

I didn't want to let you go once you had passed. I wanted to hold you forever.

My life feels so empty without you to care for. I don't know that I will ever be able to put another dog to sleep after this experience. I have your
son and buddy Rocket. He is 14 and I can't imagine losing him too and going through this again some day in the future due to his heart condition.
I can tell Rocket misses you.

I love you Otto

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carmens_mom
Rosalinda, Everything you have said reminds me of the feelings I had recently.  I had the same doubts when I had to make the decision to put my precious Gigi to sleep in October.  I read and re-read the article "Making the Decision" in the Grief Support Center of this website searching for validation.  Intellectually and based on the advice of Gigi's trusted vet who had cared for her over 11 years, I knew I had made the right decision.  What kept tripping me up was the emotional side and all the "what-ifs" that kept running through my brain.

Otto sounds like such a strong as well as resourceful  little man as he adjusted to each of the health issues that faced him.  You helped Otto maintain a wonderful life through so many different obstacles , when some, might have given up.  You recognized what a little fighter he was and you were a great loving mother to him.  Otto knew you loved him and when you made the decision, it was only out of love.  You took Otto's pain away from him and took it upon yourself, all the while knowing how much you would miss him.  

Please take care of yourself Rosalinda - there are so many on this site who have been through similar, but never exactly the same, situations and they have been a comfort to me in some of my roughest days.  Although none of us can fix anything, please know we are here to support you through this difficult time. 
My warmest regards,  Carmen's and Gigi's mom - alicia
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Rosalinda

Thank you very much for your kind words. 

I feel like I pushed him away by putting him to sleep when he just wanted to stay with us as long as he could in spite of this illness.   

That was a good way to describe him he was a fighter and he gave me more than I can put in words.

You are correct I am struggling with the "what-ifs" and anguish that I could not help him further.  I would have been able to accept him dying of old age but not this horrible bone cancer.  No dogs do anything to deserve that.  

Yesterday my husband said in a couple weeks we can buy new furniture and move it around.
For the last 5 years I would not dare do that.  But I won't be ready in two weeks.  I changed my life to care for my special needs blind pup and I didn't mind at all as long as he was content.  I had put zip ties on his collar when I found that tip on a blind dogs forum.

Thank you again for your kind words and understanding and sharing your experience. 
It has helped a great deal.  I cried all weekend.  Anytime I am alone I cry....

Rosalinda


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carmens_mom
Rosalinda, I actually had to learn to be comfortable with my tears because 1) they are an honest indication of our loss and 2) I couldn't stop them if I wanted.   I never knew I had so many tears in me but when we lose something so precious, who loved us so unconditionally, and although this may sound strange, gave purpose to our life like no other could, we are going to cry.  I mean, how do you not grieve when the most precious thing in the world comes into your life and then, they are gone?

Some of us scream at our horrible fate, become numb to our former life, have trouble getting out of bed each day, have trouble going to bed when they are no longer in the bed close to us, and so on and so on,,,,,  All those little things that remind of us of them, can bring on a new set of emotions.  My extended family didn't know what to do with me, but what they didn't really understand, I didn't want them to do anything "with" me.  I had and still have to find my own way.  My Carmen has been gone 9 years and I still feel a gaping hole in my heart.  I have had to learn a new normal for me.  But as they tell us, we all grieve differently.  Rosalinda, do what feels comfortable for you, for as long as you need - This is your time to honor your precious Otto - that strong little man - in whatever way feels right for you.

 
My warmest regards,  Carmen's and Gigi's mom - alicia
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Chinadoll
I am so sorry for your loss of Otto, your words are so touching it was hard to hold back a few tears. Your description of your dear boy was moving, your love for him so evident. We do all we can, we would give anything to keep them with us but when the time comes, the greatest love we can show is to release them from the suffering and pain, to take on that pain ourselves. There isn't much I can add to what Carmen has said so well. I lost two of my best friends this year, Nicky was 17 1/2, and blind, and fighting heart failure. The day I let him go to a much more peaceful and beautiful place was no easy day, it never is. My faith and beliefs keep me going, I know I will see them again later and that will be the most wonderful day. This journey is long, with so many ups and downs, waves of tears, adjusting to the emptiness, trying to move forward. I'm in a better place now, tears still fall, mixed with smiles of remembering the fun and sweetness they gave me. When Carmen said 'I have had to learn a new normal for me', that is exactly what I'm trying to do now. I don't know what that will look like, I will always cry, I will always remember, but what they gave me and how they changed my life, was a gift, a precious gift. Blessings and peace.
Charlie
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Rosalinda
Thank you Chinadoll for sharing your experience and for your kind words.  I can't imagine losing 2  best friends so close together.  My heart goes out to you.

I feel like I need to snap out of this to care for my other pups but I am so heartbroken. 

Otto was healthy before the cancer hit him.  He still played with his toy.  He would toss it up in the air listen for where it would fall and with his little rotary tail wag he would look for his toy by listening for where it landed and then find it and toss it in the air again.  I've never seen a pup wag their tail in a circular motion instead of side to side.  Before he went blind he loved to play fetch so he had adapted the game to play by himself.

When I am ready I will look through my recordings of him.  I don't want to forget his bark and his play routine.  I know I have them somewhere.
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Chinadoll
Your last post brought back a memory and a little smile. My Chinadoll would wag her tail in a rotary fashion too, lol, it always made me smile. Now I know of at least one other furry friend who did the same. Maybe they will meet up and a whole bunch of rotary tail waggin will begin. We taught Nicky a few hand signs as he grew up, my brother was born deaf so I knew some of them. The last year of his life he was mostly deaf and blind, so neither our voices or our hand signals were useful. When we got to the point we had to pick him up every time he needed to go outside we would hold him close and talk directly into his ear, I think he could still hear us when we did that, I hope so. Thank you for stirring up a memory for me. Blessings to you.
Charlie
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Rosalinda
Yesterday his playmate, Rocket, who has had Otto (his dad) since the day he was born walked around the house looking for him. 
Needless to say it was a rough night last night.  So many sad thoughts and doubts about whether I should have waited a few days or not.  I just was not ready to let him go.  I know he was already suffering but he was hanging on. 

It is so tormenting.

I pray for my dear Otto and for forgiveness if I did the wrong thing. 

Thanks for sharing about Chinadoll's rotary tail wag it was nice to know she had that trait too.  Maybe they were related. :-)  

I too hope she meets up with Otto and they have loads of fun.  
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carmens_mom
Rosalinda and Charlie, the two of you are actually making me giggle this morning!  My Carmen, even though she was a chihuahua, was such a little herder.  She would herd the other two chihuahuas at the hosue as if she was herding cattle - I always contributed it to her un-diagnosed OCD temperament, but,,,,,  It always gave me hours of laughter watching her herd the other two to "their" food bowls, beds, and toy, so their were no were close to "hers". 

Anyways, after reading your posts about them both being "rotary tail waggers", I envisioned Carmen attempting to organize all the other little fur angels - Positioning herself like she was some kind of General, I can picture her saying -  "Okay everybody, all the rotary tail waggers to the right!  Now, all of you who are "side to side" waggers, go the left!  Alrighty then, everybody else, gather in the middle!  Don't hesitate - Yes, yes, yes, that means if you wag up and down, or even if your tail is to short - just wag your little bottoms!  Now lets go, go, go and play, play, play!

It's amazing the things we remember,,,,,And it's amazing how easily amused I am.  LOL
My warmest regards,  Carmen's and Gigi's mom - alicia
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normsmom
Rosalinda,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Otto. I also struggle with the timing of the decision to end my Norman's life, but it was clear that the quality of his life wasn't good, and I try to remind myself that ending his suffering was the kindest action I could have taken, as heartbreaking as it was. Otto would not want you to beat yourself up over this. He would want you to remember all the wonderful times you had together, as you are doing by sharing such sweet memories here. In time, it does get a little easier. For now, be kind to yourself and keep sharing those wonderful memories. The rotary tail wag sure had me smiling. 
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Rosalinda
Thanks Normsmom I am so glad I found this forum.  The understanding, sharing and kind words mean so much to me.

My heart is so broken.  I loved him so much. 

I was so lucky to have him in my life.

I know he was suffering but not complaining and probably didn't know how much suffering
was probably in store for him.  My little adaptive fighter.  I will never have another one like him.   I pray for him every time I cry for him and that helps.   I saw the movie "A dog's purpose" where the dog keeps coming back.  I don't want him to come back unless it is to someone who will love him and take care of him. 

He deserves to be in heaven playing with other pups and human angels to be close to. 
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