Dear Forum members, it has been one year today since my beloved Cookie passed away.  Family and work mates were as understanding as they could be, but no one really knew the pain.  The forum was my consolation, my understanding, my hope to get by each day.  I have not posted, could not, until now to say thanks for the support you unknowingly gave me these long days.  As a scientist in a high level position, I had to hide my pain.  For my family, I could not dwell.  But I grieved these long days and nights alone, with the forum for help.  

She had a routine surgery to remove a lump from her side, and never recovered after a two week battle post-surgery.  Was it from the surgery, from the pain meds, that she had an underlying condition? I will never know.  The decision to have her euthanized was the most painful I have ever made, and still feel the guilt.  I will never know if she could have come though it, the weight loss and complete anorexia with food refusal, the weakness and pale gums, were a sign to the vet but I will never know the exact cause of the decline and if it was recoverable.  It was the euthanasia information that gave me the guidance I needed to trust the vet.  In my research as a scientist I have to be abstract, but here I could not.  I needed your help, and am grateful for it.  The vet came to our house, and she died peacefully under a tree in the backyard that was her love and joy each day.  Today I remembered her in that exact spot, have made it impossibly though the year, and begin the next phase now this milestone is behind me.

thank you again for helping me grieve my beloved Cookiegirl, we were inseparable up to the end, my constant companion and friend, who will always be missed.

I would like to share a note from Cookie if I may:

Dear Forum, I know you had not seen me grow up, but I wanted to tell you my story.

My new home adopted me and loved from the very first, and they had three boys to play with.  Plus my new mom and dad.  Still, when I heard girl voices from next door I got very excited, as I remembered playing with girls.  That never changed, but sadly those girls grew up and moved away, but then one day the boys in my house stated to bring girls home to visit, and that is great, I still love girl voices the best!  I got so excited when people come over, and then just lay down in the middle of the party, under the table, beside the couch, wherever people are is my favorite place to be.  When they played pool, I laid down right at the pool table.  And when dad worked from home, I laid down on his feet under the breakfast room table too.  When they watched TV, I laid down beside them next to the couch.  I slept more the last year, but slept where I could keep my eye on everyone, you never know who will be coming and going and I wanted to know!

They gave me a big fenced yard to play in, with lots of rabbits, squirrels, and other things to chase and bark at.  I never caught one, but I tried…  They had a pool, and I did not like to swim, at all.  When they swam I would lifeguard, and stay on the edge or lay beside the pool or up on the deck where I could see them.  When the kids were little, I would try to warn them of the danger but no one listened, so I invented a game.  I would drop my toy into the pool and they would swim to the bottom to get it for me.  And I would drop it again (people are so easy to train).  They learned to swim this way, and I stayed out of the pool.  When they would swim underwater, I would bark until they came up, so my barking worked, as they always came back up… 

Dad always got up first and when I was young I would get so excited to play that when he made the coffee he would give me treats to keep me from running round the house.  When ever someone made coffee I still knew I would get a treat.  And they always give me one!  I always followed him around the house, was always by him, sleeping on his feet, no matter where he went.  When he went on a business trip, I knew and would unpack his suitcase.  I would wait for him sadly until he came home, and I always knew the day, as I would be sitting looking at the door that last day until he walked in.  I don't know how I knew, but I did.

I loved chicken, and once stole a cooked chicken from the counter, all cut up and ready for something.  They had to eat Chinese that night, but still laugh about the story.  I also ate the arms off a Sponge Bob birthday cake they hid in the sewing room, what a surprise that was when they went to light it and bring it out!  Luckily, they built the arms again, and still laugh about the story!  They loved me you see, and were so happy to have me in their life.

I loved the snow, but hated the rain.  I loved chicken, but hated crows.  I loved sticks and liked to chew on them from the yard, and I loved to steal socks and run around with them for someone to catch me.  But I loved people most of all.  And they loved me…

Thank you for helping my dad, 

love, Cookie

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The letter from Cookie is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story! 

Vivian M.
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Thank you for sharing your story and your letter from Cookie.  It says something not especially flattering about the world we live in that we would have to hide or downplay our grief over losing our precious animal companions.  I am glad you found something of worth here. My little Robin Adrian left this world 24 days ago because I thought it was time, but I still have guilt and immense grief.  Coming here has helped me, too.  Take care of yourself. 
Robin Adrian "Little Bear"s Mom
Please sign my baby's guestbook?
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The forum is my consolation as well. I understand your pain and wish you peace and strength. You are not alone.
Rodney Lee
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Dear JMudge -

I am so very sorry that you lost your sweet Cookie but I am so thrilled that she was in your life and that
the two of you were able to share your lives together.

Cookie's letter is so very beautiful and heart wrenching at the same time.

Cookie definitely knows she is loved and you know she loves you too.

Love is what matters most of all.

I am glad that we on this forum were able to bring you some comfort during
the very long and painful first year of grief.

I will think of you and Cookie as the seasons change and
Autumn arrives (which was always my Bear an my favorite time of year.)

You are in my thoughts and my heart.

Susan (heartsick)


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Thank you, JMudge. 

Your words expressed what I'm going through after losing my Nipper so I understand completely.  It's been one week since I started my life without him. It's so very hard not being able to openly express grief and this forum has been my savior throughout this time.  I come here at night and read and cry but I get a great sense of relief knowing that I'm not alone.  Everyone here is so understanding.  I talk to Nipper throughout the day, I still tell him "Mom will be right back in just a little" when I leave for the store or something and I announce my return when I get back. I can't bear to let his outside water dish go dry.  I walk the little path he wore from the back door to the front door just so it won't grow over with grass and several times a day I go out and sit in the rocking chair I placed over his grave and just talk to him (all the cats follow me out there and hang around too; Nipper loved his "kitty cat friends").  All of this would seem silly to anyone else but I know those in this forum understand. I thank God for all of you. 

My condolences on the loss of your precious Cookie.
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What a wonderful post and story! Cookie seemed like she had a great life with so much love. I'm so sorry you had to say goodbye to her. It's nice to hear you found comfort in this forum. I just said goodbye to my Bubba Ray three days ago and the pain is more than I have ever felt. My friends and family are supportive but I feel like no one truly understands. This forum has already helped me feel more at ease and it helps SO much to know I'm not alone in my pain and guilt. I come here and read stories and cry but in a way it is helping me heal. I know it will take some time before this horrible sadness leaves me but I'm glad I have found some kind of outlet. 
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