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jphovercraft

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Reply with quote  #31 
Public media continues to send me messages.

I woke up this morning, turned on the tv and looked out the window at Miles' grave (the way I start every day these days). I usually say "Good morning, Miles" (from the Candlelight Ceremony), but today my first words of the day were "I love you, Miles." The tv -immediately- replied "I love you."

There were these little white star-shaped white flowers blooming in the lawn today. I couldn't bring myself to mow them, so I transplanted them all on to Miles' grave this afternoon. They look just perfect.

I miss you, my friend. I'll tell another of your stories soon, I promise.

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"There is no such thing as 'just a cat'." - Robert A. Heinlein

"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me." - Kermit the Frog

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Jimbo106

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Reply with quote  #32 
I sure wouldn't mind hearing a Miles story! :)

I like that you moved the flowers; Miles probably enjoyed that.

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Sammys5

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Reply with quote  #33 
Jp,

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to visit your thread on Miles. I've been reading your words and memories of him and flashing back to times with Sammy for sure.

Your Miles did the same as my Sammy...the laying on the chest staring at me waiting for head rubs and back rubs. And if I didn't focus on him as he wished...the paw would go out and the claws slightly extended to tap me on the face and tell me to focus already! When he was satisfied...Sammy did the same as Miles, and curled up next to me to sleep.

I've noticed you love Star Trek...as do I. In fact, Star Trek is all I can watch in my room (where Sammy and I spent all of our time together towards the end of his life...as he was blind) Star Trek gives me so much comfort since Sammy died...and I totally remember the scene with Data, Spot and Troi that you described. I always love the character Data, because he loved Spot (as best an android can)

Your story of your friend finding Indy particularly touched me, because several years ago Sammy got outside by accident. This was before he was blind, but he was a total inside cat his entire life and I was beside myself with worry and fear when I couldn't find him. I searched the entire neighborhood looking for him. I chanced walking into shrubbery everywhere looking for him...to no avail.

I was devastated and thought for sure Sammy was gone. I was sitting in my driveway one night praying he was ok and would come back...just crushed that he was gone. Then quietly he sauntered up to me while I was sitting there ball bagging and rubbed my face! I couldn't believe it! I grabbed him and snuggled close to him soooo grateful that he was back! And of course his attitude was.. "what? what is the BIG deal?"

I listened to the podcast you posted too...thank you for that. He is right...we all stand there knowing someone is missing.

I loved the story about Miles jumping in the snow...that visual made me laugh. And moving the flowers to his grave is such a wonderful gesture, that I know Miles appreciates.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and Miles, Jp. I know this horrible grief is a roller coaster indeed. I've discovered that our grief will be in direct proportion to our love. How fortunate we all are to have felt, lived and experienced such a wonderfully deep love...but our hearts hurt so much when they are physically gone. I think our loved ones do help us heal...wherever they are, because the love never dies.




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jphovercraft

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Reply with quote  #34 

At the beginning of the week I was in a place where I was thinking about the lessons I had learned in the 14 years with Miles and how to apply them consciously in my life, a fairly positive place. On Wednesday while at work, I stopped to stretch and let out a big sigh and out of nowhere fell apart completely. No trigger, no "landmine", just an unexpected explosion of grief and sorrow. This was followed by a couple of days of "if I'm asleep I'm not hurting". I'd get home, have dinner, fall asleep, wake up around 11 or 12, go to bed and sleep until the alarm went off. Rinse and repeat.

I have no idea if it's connected, but today I feel that I need to edit my original post here and add the part I didn't write about, the part I glossed over, the scary part. Maybe that needs exorcising.

I'm off to do that now...

EDIT: I've finished adding the scary part to the original post. Trying to recover from that effort now. I promise the next story will bring a smile, and soon.


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"There is no such thing as 'just a cat'." - Robert A. Heinlein

"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me." - Kermit the Frog

"I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil." - Gandalf
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jphovercraft

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Reply with quote  #35 
The Mouse Hunt:

Miles wasn't a "mighty hunter" (well, we did find about a pound of rat on the front porch on one occasion), but on the few occasions he'd bring something home for us, his pride was unmistakable. I was up late one Friday night, working on some music on my PC, when in comes Miles with a mouse in his jaws, completely pleased with himself. I just reacted and yelled "Miles!" ... at which point he dropped it and it ran off into the kitchen, obviously still alive! Miles took off after it and I took off after Miles.

The mouse ran under the stove. Miles was back and forth from one side to the other, reaching his paw underneath it. I was trying to move the stove. The commotion woke his furmom and she asked what was going on. I explained that there was a mouse loose in the kitchen and she freaked as she tolerates no wildlife in the kitchen. She helped me move the stove and again the mouse took off, this time into the dining room, using all available furniture as cover.

Miles sprinted after it, the two of us close behind. The mouse ran under the china cabinet and Miles took up position at one end, me at the other, his mom at the front.  This is where it hit me ... it's 1AM, every light in the house is on and we're all running around like madmammals, some kind of bizarre predatory family, hunting as a pack, each co-operating with the others, Miles in charge and in his glory. I started laughing helplessly. His mom looked at me like I'd lost my mind for a moment, then she got it and started laughing too. Miles looked at us and I'm sure I saw him roll his eyes (or an equivelent cat expression). This was serious business!

I finally caught my breath and got a plastic container. We moved the china cabinet and between us we surrounded the mouse and I was able to catch it in the container. I took the poor thing outside to the fence and let it go.

Miles was visibly miffed by this, but he forgave us pretty quickly, however I will never forget this significant (for Miles anyway) family bonding experience, the night we were all primal hunters, working togeather.

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"There is no such thing as 'just a cat'." - Robert A. Heinlein

"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me." - Kermit the Frog

"I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil." - Gandalf
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Jimbo106

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Reply with quote  #36 
I read the edited part....yeah I was there with you.....it was a day I wish never had to happen.

I understand the part about applying lessons learned in a positive way also. I've tried to do the same thing. Jamie was my first kitty, and because of the positive life with her, I always wanted to adopt another. I didn't while Jamie was still physically here because I didn't want her to feel she lost her position as "Queen of the house". When she left; I adopted the girls both for me and for them. Those were two of the most unselfish things I've done. Jamie taught me that. She gave such unconditional love and made me more than I was.

I've also had days when I've felt I finally had a handle on the grief...only to find that there's no "handling" it. First in the dentist's office and then in the store yesterday, it showed me who was still boss. It's been a little kinder lately.....and I hope it treats you better also.

Jamie and Miles have probably had a great discussion about us and our lack of mouse hunting skills. You had to let them go too...I like that. :)

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GoodGollyMissMolly

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Reply with quote  #37 
Oh..how my heart goes out to you.That's why we are all here. Sometimes you may hear something in a thread or advice in a different way and it lifts you up and  suddenly gives you some strength.For the Miles Memory Book I wanted to do something unique in an attempt to turn something we all painfully go through around for you and all of us so that it has a happier ending with a song that hopefully  reflects the insight and understanding we will one day have for that awful roller coaster  ride we are on right now. I hope it will make Miles proud and you smile.

My Molly passed a little over 3 weeks ago so I am right there with you. I was doing ok and then late last night without warning I was suddenly hit by that infamous roller coaster of intense grief. I was alone, it was dark,and in the middle of the night. It lasted through yesterday morning and afternoon. Not a good day. Then people responded to my first post I wrote the day before. I was surprised, it lifted my spirits a little and it gave me some strength. to read more posts, speak to grief counselors (which I highly recommend). Now that day is yesterday and I got through it!  I held Molly's shirt and looked at her photo and found it in me with my trembled voice to go on and help myself out of that hole in my heart.  It was a very hard day- the pain was the type  I felt when Molly passed in my arms but this time  I was alone on the roller coaster..but you inspired me. I understand and appreciate your feelings. We have sacks full of lemons among us  So...I tried making some lemonade for us all.
.I hope it helps.

Personally, I really love roller coasters (true fact)- except this new one I/you are all on which I have deemed to call the Repetitive Rainbow Rip Your Already Broken Heart Out Roller Coaster. I'm/you are currently trying to do all the right things to deal with the pain, and I/you know the rainbow is out there somewhere with something that's worth more than gold at the end of it. I/you are at that roller coaster ride and it's just pouring rain, I'm/you are soaked, I/you don't see any rainbows, and the ride I/you are on has now broken so I/you are forced to go on it more than I/you would like too over and over and  in the soaking rain. As I/you keep going round and round,. I/you have time to think and remember the rain has to stop and then the sun comes out and only then can you see the rainbow - ok figured that one out!.But then I/you remember its hurricane season and the hurricane this season has the fortunate luck to be called by your/ my name....yeah (we are so beyond not laughing at this point)..and I/you are still stuck on this electrical ride that makes us go upside down and all over during this storm. What is going on?  The ride won't stop in this horrible monsoon and there is no way out or off.

 Eventually the ride gets fixed after changing a few parts, the sun begins to peak over those dark clouds that I/you thought would never go away,and in time hurricane season ends. Now I/you come to the realization on that particular ride that the joy we originally felt towards the ride had dramatically changed. .I/you realize this coaster brings the complete opposite emotions of how I/you felt before I/you got on this particular coaster. I/you were happy and with my/your boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, whatever by my/your side..I/you get on the ride and in the seat but this is not your ordinary roller coaster...remember. I/you didn't see who got on the ride before us because I/you were so engrossed and in love talking and just being with the other person whose was with us. I/you are suddenly at the front of the line, I/you get in the seat and the safety bars close down immediately and we begin to move.  I/you get separated from my/your other half on this new scary ride. I/you have no idea  for what's in store.As the ride approaches a dark tunnel, I/you realize this ride brings dark feelings that are the opposite of what I/you normally feel about the roller coasters that make us smile and feel joy. On this coaster:
  • THRILL = DEVASTATION
  • ULTIMATE HIGH OF THE DROP AND NEXT BIG TURN = ULTIMATE LOW AND STATE NOT KNOWING WHEN THE NEXT BIG MELTDOWN IS COMING
  • BIG SMILES AND HAPPY SCREAMS OF LAUGHTER =  UNCONTROLLABLE TEARS AND SCREAMS OF SORROWFUL LONGING FOR OUR LOST ONE
  • A COMPANION SITTING NEXT TO YOU, SHARING THE EXCITING HEART POUNDING MOMENT  OF THAT FIRST DROP= A REALIZATION AND THE ACCEPTANCE THAT YOUR HEART  IS BROKEN DUE TO YOUR LOST COMPANION. YOU ARE ON THE RIDE WITH ITS FIRST BIG DROP, ALONE WITH NO ONE NEXT TO YOU TO SHARE THE MOMENT WHICH IS NOW FULL OF LOSS AND FEAR
But the BEST part the "new roller coaster theory" is that the "fun" and "not so fun" coasters due share some similar positive qualities. I/You complete the whole ride, I/you pray to make it stop, I/you confront every drop and turn and keep moving forward, fear faces I/you at a ridiculous speed and I/you face it back and leave whatever it was in the dust and behind us. Best of all the ride slows down, I/you can finally get off...momentarily.  I/you now discover a new found strength and confidence in a place I/you never knew existed in myself/yourself or maybe I/you just found  it again deep within our very core?  I/you acknowledge,feel, get through those drops and turns - like it or not- and by the middle of the ride start to see them coming and are empowered by the knowledge of the ride, what's  to come, and how to better handle the next drop and turn.  It gets less scary and I/you can handle the still awful ride, a little bit better. I/you may still be afraid- but my/your eyes are open, we cannot escape those negative emotions that make us sad and cry. I/you are on this ride and are forced to ride it again and again until I/you deal with what's inside: the hurt, devastation, loss, the missing belly rubs, trips to the treat store,all those things until I/you get through them and are ok with what I/you have lost in body but not in spirit with our precious baby spirits who still live on at the Rainbow Bridge.

The ride is over (for now) and I/you notice though the seat next to you was empty to the naked eye, there was a full crowd of other single riders on that same coaster with what appeared to be empty seats next to them. Strange??? I/You didn't see anyone in the moment we got on the ride - but all these people were there all along sharing the same scary and lonely experience. I/You were never alone- there were others like us feeling the same overwhelming emotions and each of our baby spirits sat in "what appeared to us" to be empty seats during the ride. Humans and baby spirits who love us dearly, all helped us survive this unforgettable ride. The humans discover the bond they shared, smile and introduce themselves to one other. Our little spirit angels beam with pride as they continue to stay beside us through the end of the meet and greet. They are making new friends too and understand their own form of sadness.

The next time I/you get on that roller coaster (and we will unfortunately), I/you will be more familiar with what lies in front - highs,lows, sharp turns and all- but this time I/you are prepared and less frightened. We have faith and are strong enough to deal with the road ahead with a little more confidence in ourselves.

Years later, when you are back at the amusement park at the ride that will forever stay in your heart and soul, you sense someone with a certain aura that you can smell a mile away. Out of the corner of your eye you spot that human who unknowingly gets on the Repetitive Rainbow Rip Your Already Broken Heart Out Roller Coaster for the first time.You pay it forward, and lovingly nudge and lock down that newbie into a seat as their little spirit angel looks back at you with such gratitude for your help.The two are off to begin the ride you know too well by the many lessons and experiences it taught you.

It's been almost a month for me and you ( Molly went on her final ride on the 16th), so we need to be kinder to ourselves as we've only been on the ride a few dozen  times and we don't the ropes yet. There are many of us scared, heart broken and  feeling the same inexplicable emotions.With each ride and friend we make, we slowly learn where to find that hidden strength along the slick turns, and how to open our eyes in the dark tunnel and see the little lights.It gets less painful and less scarier.

This is what I would like to believe lies ahead of us. It will be hard, but we will get on the ride over and over, until we see the individual lesson each drop and turn was meant to teach us as individuals. One day we will  finally be at peace with ourselves. and our loss. We will never forget that roller coaster or our little angel spirits for the rest of our lives and beyond. What we will will do is just look at that coaster  in a memorable and surprisingly fond way, smile and realize  how much we didn't know our own strength.

I Didn't Know My Own Strength
by Whitney Houston

Lost touch with my soul
I had no where to turn
I had no where to go
Lost sight of my dream,
Thought it would be the end of me
I thought I’d never make it through
I had no hope to hold on to,
I thought I would break

I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength

Found hope in my heart,
I found the light to life
My way out of the dark
Found all that I need
Here inside of me
I thought I’d never find my way
I thought I’d never lift that weight
I thought I would break


I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength

There were so many times I
Wondered how I’d get through the night I
Thought took all I could take

I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength

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jphovercraft

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Reply with quote  #38 

Miss Molly,

I can't reply to you yet, I'm still digesting your post (thank you), but I will.

Right now, I'm fresh out of the car where the Vinyl Cafe radio show has again brought me to tears, this time by playing a Beatles song I've heard a million times, but today it just slayed me. It was written by McCartney during the racial strife in the US in the late 60s, but today I found it's for everyone here at this site who's in pain and for all our absent furfriends too, a message of hope and healing for them and us ...

===

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

===

...at least it spoke to me ... not feeling very objective at the moment. Miles, I hope you flew into the light of the dark black night.

===
Next day (4 weeks since that terrible day) ... The way I'm reading it, the first verse is for our furfriends, "arising' to a place where all the "broken wings" are healed, sick bodies made whole and they'll all "learn to fly", or run, as they once did...

The second verse is for us, that we may "take these sunken eyes", our grief, and the earthly limits on our day-to-day senses "and learn to see" that our friends are still with us, connected to us forever, that the 'empty seat' on the roller coaster (thank you, Molly) really isn't empty.

"the light of the dark black night" ... for us, an end to our sorrow; for our furfriends, the Bridge.

 
Hold on tight, Miles ... here we go again ... I've been leaking on and off like bad plumbing since that song, and Molly, I keep picturing myself reaching out a hand to steady Miles in the seat next to me, the way I did in the car on our rides when we went around a curve or came to a stop. Maybe if I picture him returning the favour as we head down the next drop...? Yes, there's a little smile to be had in that image.

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"There is no such thing as 'just a cat'." - Robert A. Heinlein

"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me." - Kermit the Frog

"I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil." - Gandalf
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julieandfurbabies

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Reply with quote  #39 

I am so sorry for your Loss...what a lovely furbaby who will stay in your heart forever, big hugs x


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jphovercraft

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Reply with quote  #40 
Thank you Julie, needed a hug upon arrival at work today. Its been 4 weeks to the day today...

On the way to work, I passed a tuxedo cat who had been hit by a car and was lying by the side of the road. I had to turn around and stop to see if it was maybe still alive, it wasn't ... 8^(

So I'm standing there, tears running down my face, and this woman calls to me from across the road, "Yeah, that's our cat."

I said "I just had to stop to see if he was still alive or not."

"No, we're just digging a grave for him right now. My son is devastated."

I looked at the house and saw a young lad on their porch holding a black cat.

I said, "I just wanted to see if he needed help. I had to do the same for my cat 4 weeks ago today. My heart goes out to you."

She gave me a little smile and said she was sorry to hear that and thanked me for not being "one of those sick people who will swerve to hit an animal." That shocked me to the core! There are people who do that?

I got back in my car and drove on, wondering what they'll make of the crazy crying guy ... and arrived at work to your hug. Again, thank you. Couldn't have been better timed.

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"There is no such thing as 'just a cat'." - Robert A. Heinlein

"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me." - Kermit the Frog

"I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil." - Gandalf
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jphovercraft

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Reply with quote  #41 
The Big Tree:

Miles was just a little kitten, maybe 4 months old and he had been outside all afternoon playing in the yard, chasing leaves and exploring the bushes. It had grown dark and he was still outside when the neighbor from the 2nd floor apartment came to our door and asked "Is that your cat in the tree by the house?" I ran outside and there he was, level with the neighbor's window (which is why he heard Miles and we didn't) maybe 15 feet up, hanging on for dear life and meowing his head off. I got under the tree and called out "It's ok Miles, come on down, I've got you." In complete and amazing trust, he just let go and fell...and I missed him! He fell into the bushes below. My heart was in my throat! I never would have forgiven myself if anything had happened to him! Fortunately, the bushes broke his fall and out he came and straight to me and we went inside. I checked him over and no harm done. I apologised to him all night and he sat in my lap soaking it up with purrs and happy half-closed eyes.

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"There is no such thing as 'just a cat'." - Robert A. Heinlein

"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me." - Kermit the Frog

"I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil." - Gandalf
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heartsick

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Reply with quote  #42 
Nice catch DAD!!! I can't believe you missed.
How guilty did you feel and I bet Miles knew and took complete advantage of the situation!
You did make me laugh.
I am having a very tearful day as today is seven weeks and it is Father's Day this weekend. Bear and my dad ADORE each other. Bear always sent cards -and signed them himself- and we made a fuss. We would drive the two hours to my parents' house and Bear would make a bee line for Grandpop. Seven weeks is not long enough for me to make it through this with no tears. (Not that I don't cry every day anyway LOL!)
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Jimbo106

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Reply with quote  #43 

Since everything turned out well....I gotta say I chuckled over that. My heart would have been in my throat also. Did he give you the "i meant to do that" look when he came out of the bushes?


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heartsick

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Reply with quote  #44 

I'll bet he did as he strutted his little self into the house!

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jphovercraft

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Reply with quote  #45 
He was a little too young and scared for the "I meant to do that" look. He just wanted to get inside and sit in a safe lap. He did get better at climbing ... up AND down, but that's another story...

http://forums.rainbowsbridge.com/file?id=1147068

A VERY hot day last summer...

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"There is no such thing as 'just a cat'." - Robert A. Heinlein

"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me." - Kermit the Frog

"I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil." - Gandalf

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