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jphovercraft

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On Monday I had to euthanize my dear old friend of 14 years, Miles the Wonder Cat. I'm hurting...

I've been posting in a couple of other threads while I try to come to terms with losing him, so some of you here already know about this and have helped me so much already. Some of you have helped even if you weren't responding to me directly, but to others in need of support. onyxdad, heartsick, Johara, jimbo106 (I'm taking your advice), ginny (of course!), you've all been so much help already.

Something happened today that finally brought me to the point of starting a thread for my buddy. I was making the bed this morning, which I haven't done since that awful day and an amazing thing happened.
 
I found one perfect whisker from my friend.

That was just too much...I cried for 15 minutes solid...and then I put it in a little tin box I have. I'll treasure it...and probably fall apart every time I see it for a while.

I'm going to have to do this in scattered bits and pieces, the way my heart feels right now. I can't get very far into what I'm trying to say before I have to stop, having lost the train of thought in grief and memories. I don't want to lose even one of those memories, so I've started a list of titles for each and add to it every time I think of one. I'll then pick one at a time and write about it. This process is for me, to make sure I don't lose any of them, but knowing someone might read one and actually care about it is a good thing. That and there's just so much to write...

================================
The End:

Like onyxdad, I hadn't really noticed that Miles was losing more weight than was healthy. He seemed fine and was behaving normally, except that he had been eating less for the last couple of months. I assumed he was just getting older and didn't have the appetite he used to. That's true of me too. Last week he started eating so little I started to worry and made an appointment with the vet for last Saturday. We started giving him anything he would eat, roast chicken and turkey, tuna, steak...I even bought him a shrimp ring. He LOVED shrimp, but even these delecacies were received without much enthusiasm, but he did eat. When we got to the vet on Saturday, he had lost 3 pounds, down to 7 from the 10 he's been at for years. They said he was a little dehydrated and took blood and urine and said they'd have results on Monday. I hoped it would turn out to be diabetes or thyroid issues, something treatable.

Miles ate nothing from that point on, only taking water, and weakened so very fast. He didn't want to be picked up or held in a lap, but he did hang out with me and his mom. He'd lie down with me on the couch for a little here and there and slept with me for an hour or so a couple of times and then would return to the floor. By Monday, he was wobbly on his feet and moving so slowly and looking so sad and I was close to frantic. I phoned work and let them know I wasn't coming in and stayed home to await the results. Miles was by now lying pretty much in one place and fading in and out. His head would ever so slowly fall foreward until it was being supported by the tip of his nose. Heartbreaking...

The vet finally called and said the tests had come back essentially normal and that they suspected cancer. They would require more tests, x-rays and maybe even exploratory surgery to proceed, but that might not help and there could be more that they would need to do. The vet felt something in his belly that may have been a mass...or may have been scar tissue from his accident and surgery years ago. I'm not a well-to-do person and this was not an option I could afford at all. There's a guilt trip for you, "Sorry, Miles but I'm just not rich and successful enought to keep you, my dearest friend, alive." Besides, speculative surgery was not something I was willing to do to him, but I'm still having guilty episodes, as in "You're a bad furdad who can't take care of his responsibilities."
 
So I made an appointment for a few hours later to have him euthanized...

I spent his last few hours lying on the floor with him and rubbing his head and talking to him. He seemed ok with that. I supervised his last couple of ever-so-slow visits to the garden as he hadn't used a litterbox for years. He spent a little time sitting in his chair on the porch, too.

When it was time to go, I took him to say goodbye to his mom. She cried and kissed him goodbye and I carried him to the car. No carrier for Miles the Wonder Cat, he liked car rides as long as it's with his dad.

(...I keep finding myself writing in present tense about him and having to change it...maybe the English language needs an absent tense...)

He lay in his usual place on the passenger seat and watched the trees go by. The radio was on, but it was political commentary and was becoming really irritating so I put on the local university station and another amazing thing happened. The first thing that came on was the very start of the third verse of a song by a friend of mine, a song I hadn't heard in quite a while.

So here I am, I'm driving to the vet to escort my best buddy to Rainbow Bridge and the RADIO says to me:

"There are those who would teach us
That if the spirit is to grow
Avoid being overwhelmed by the physical realm
Learn to let go"


I'm sure that those words, at the right time and place, gave me the strength to go on and do what I believe had to be done, and to be calm and loving for my buddy...until he was actually gone, of course.

***************************
This part was added June 11, almost 4 weeks later. I've been unable to write this before now, but I feel like I really need to, to exorcise a demon or three that's gnawing on my heart today.

Caution: there's a lot of detail here. I'm sorry if it's upsetting, but I NEED to say this somewhere and hopefully this is the place.

===
Upon arrival at the vet, I took care of paying the bill first and then sat down to wait. It was only a minute or two before they told me the room was ready. I carried Miles into the examination room and held him until the vet arrived. Miles was always very good at the vet and this was no different. The vet came in and explained the details of what she would be doing, giving Miles a sedative to relax him for the proceedure, giving it 10 minutes or so to take full effect and then she'd be back to "administer the anasthetic." As usual, Miles took his shot without a peep, such a brave boy.

Within a minute, Miles was visibly more relaxed, resting his head on my arm, eyes half-closed. I held him and told him I loved him and that everything was going to be all right, like I always did at the vet. I kept that up until the vet and a technician returned with the next shot. I had Miles pratcically enveloped in my arms, holding him from one end to the other. The vet said they'd need the back half in order to work, so I let him go and moved around so I was face to face with him, rubbing his face and head the way he liked, and kept talking to him.

They shaved a bit of fur from his hind leg and inserted the needle. His eyes went from half-closed to wide open and he meowed twice, an unthinkable demonstration for my brave boy. The vet put her stethescope to his chest and the technician pressed the plunger. I said "Goodbye, Miles. I love you." Within about 10 seconds the vet said he was unconscious. Within about 30 seconds, Miles gave a single long sigh and she said his heart had stopped. Miles was gone.

I was completely numb. After a minute or so, I tried to close his eyes, the way they do people on tv and found I couldn't. (I still don't understand that and in the worst moments it haunts me.) Someone brought in a little cardboard coffin with a blanket in it. The vet and I placed his limp little body in the box and we covered him with the blanket so that just his head, one shoulder and an outstreched arm were visible. We closed up the box, I thanked the vet out of reflex and carried him to the car. As usual he rode in the passenger seat. I couldn't bear that for more than 30 seconds once I was on the road, so I pulled over and opened the box so I could stroke his head as usual during our car rides. His little ears were cold, but the rest of him was still warm, so I did the best I could to warm them up again with one hand.

I had brought all his food with us as the trip to the vet passes right by the Lakefield Animal Welfare Society, a private no-kill shelter. I stopped there to give them Miles' leftover food. I told them Miles the Wonder Cat was donating the food he didn't need any more. The two ladies at the desk made some sort of sympathetic noises, but I couldn't tell you what they said because I could feel the dam bursting. I made it back to the car and broke down, huge racking sobs while I caressed his little head. I have no idea how long I sat in the parking lot there, my heart shattering, crying my eyes out, apologising to Miles and telling him I really did love him.

I was finally able to get back on the road and finish the drive home, one hand still unable abandon contact with his soft fur. It was raining by the time we got home again, which somehow seemed right. I brought him onto the back porch, went to the shed to get a shovel, and began digging his grave. Once I was done, I opened the box again and laid two sprigs of bleeding hearts (one for me, one for his mom) in with him and one dandilion (because he was my "dandy lion" went the reasoning at the time) and his squeaky furry mouse. I took off his collar ("You won't need this anymore where you're going, buddy." I told him. "You'll always be safe now."), kissed him goodbye, closed the box and finished interring my dear friend. I took his name tag from his collar and put it on my key ring, where I intend to keep it forever.

I changed clothes, cleaned up and passed out on the couch. Later that night I attended my first Candlelight Ceremony here. I'm not at all sure how my keyboard survived the soaking I gave it.
===
(whew...)

Here's where the original post resumes...
***************************

I brought him home and laid him under "his" tree where I can be close to him.
============================

That's all I can write for now. There will be more, and happier, stories. Goodbye Miles. Love you forever.

Edit: And another amazing thing happens...I clicked "Save" to post this, wipe a tear or two and...LITERALLY...the sun comes out for the first time since last Saturday...it's been raining and overcast ALL WEEK.


Miles under his tree in better days


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"There is no such thing as 'just a cat'." - Robert A. Heinlein

"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me." - Kermit the Frog

"I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil." - Gandalf
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nicokudo

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Reply with quote  #2 
Miles' human,

I was so touched by the love and caring in your message.  Miles obviously lived a wonderful, special life with you and yours for those 14 years and 14 years is a long time. Never long enough..I get that.  I understand the difficult financial choices; we have all come up against them at some point. As you know, spending more money doesn't necessarily make the choices easier; sometimes they are just more subtle and complicated.  You loved your special boy .... that is so obvious in your message.  Love came into your life when Miles entered, but it didn't leave when he did.  The love is still with you.

I loved the message that you heard over the radio.

"There are those who would teach us
That if the spirit is to grow
Avoid being overwhelmed by the material realm
Learn to let go"

Miles will help you get through all of this and God willing we will "see and hold" our babies again.

Karen



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Susie_Squillions

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Reply with quote  #3 
I am so deeply touched by the raw emotion in your message and my heart goes out to you.  You and Miles were so blessed to have found each other, and to have had those fourteen wonderful years together.

As for the mass in Miles' belly, I have experience with that kind of loss.  I first came to this forum in 2004 after losing our Silly Little Cat, Buddy Guy, to intestinal lymphoma.  I am not well off either, but I was able to set up payment arrangements with our vet at the time and schedule surgery to remove the mass.  Buddy came through the surgery extremely well and returned to his usual talkative and interactive self within hours.  When the staff returned to the clinic in the morning, Buddy had made his way to Rainbow Bridge.  I got that heart-wrenching ph0ne call as I was getting ready to go to visit him.  When the histopathology report came back a few days later we learned that the surgery would have only given us another six months maximum and there was no guarantee how much of that time might be comfortable for Buddy.  We were fortunate that the staff at the clinic voted that Buddy's surgery be covered by their "Angel Fund" which was set up by a client in her dog's memory to help fund life-saving treatment for people who would otherwise not be able to afford it.  A true angel.

So, you see, my guilt came from wondering if I had put Buddy through too much on my account; wondering if I should have let him go without the stress of surgery.  We all have guilt any way you look at it.  The best we can do it remember that we made our decisions based on the information and resources we had available at the time.  the fact is, Miles and Buddy both know that if you and I could have moved heaven and earth to have helped them get better, we would have done it in a heartbeat.

You will heal; a little bit some days, and a lot on others.  It's just a "One day at a time" situation, and sometimes it comes down to one hour or one minute at a time.  Every step forward is a step in the right direction. There will be some back-stepping, too, but I believe that's just an indication that we're rushing the forward movement a little too fast.  Let it flow organically and you will find that it comes with less difficulty.

You and your beautiful Angel Miles are in my thoughts and prayers.

xoxoxo
Susie 



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In one of the stars, I shall be living. In one of them, I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night. -- The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery

All tears are healing tears.  They help to wash away our sorrow and allow the first buds of happiness to blossom in our hearts. -- Susie "Squillions"

.T.J.'S RESIDENCY: http://RainbowsBridge.com/residents/TJ006/Resident.htm
.BUDDY GUY AYRES~LYNCH'S RESIDENCY: http://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/Buddy128/resident.HTM
.KING BING THE GOD CAT'S RESIDENCY: http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BINGO009/Resident.htm
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Susie_Squillions

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Footnote:  Keep using the present tense as long as you need to. Miles is with you, snuggled in your heart, forever and always.  Einstein proved that while the mass (physical presence) comes to an end, energy (soul) is eternal.

xoxoxo


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In one of the stars, I shall be living. In one of them, I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night. -- The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery

All tears are healing tears.  They help to wash away our sorrow and allow the first buds of happiness to blossom in our hearts. -- Susie "Squillions"

.T.J.'S RESIDENCY: http://RainbowsBridge.com/residents/TJ006/Resident.htm
.BUDDY GUY AYRES~LYNCH'S RESIDENCY: http://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/Buddy128/resident.HTM
.KING BING THE GOD CAT'S RESIDENCY: http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BINGO009/Resident.htm
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A fresh start after 947 posts. March 7th, 2011. I've been coming to this wonderful site since April 6, 2004.
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jphovercraft

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Reply with quote  #5 
Thank you for careing and responding, nicokudo.

Yeah, that is a great bit of lyric. Oddly enough, the song ("Stuff" by Joe Hall, a seriously poetic lyricist) is actually a humorous piece, but fate/synchronicity/God/a higher power/coincidence (although coincidence is streching it, I feel...it was just too perfect) edited the universe such that I was delivered only exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. I'm grateful.

Thank you, Susie, for your insight and experience concerning guilt. I hadn't thought about the other side of the coin you presented, doing too much...going too far. Also, you couldn't have picked a better example for me personally (a big sci-fi buff) than the Einstein reference. You're right, of course...conservation of energy...Miles DOES still exist somewhere. It is impossible that it could be otherwise! A small ray of joy illuminates my day. THANK YOU!

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"There is no such thing as 'just a cat'." - Robert A. Heinlein

"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me." - Kermit the Frog

"I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil." - Gandalf
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heartsick

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I am still in the depths of grief right along with you. I still refer to my Bear in the present tense. It is fine. His funeral was only three weeks ago. There are no rules in grief. You do whatever feels right to you. You and your Miles were special together and you can honor that relationship any way you like. The pain goes very deep - I know - one day you can breathe and the next day you cry. Sometimes it is minute to minute - one minute you cry and the next you are not. Whatever works for you is the right thing for you.

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Jimbo106

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A picture of a contented kitty in the sun, a book of old John Campbell anthologies, it doesn't get much better than that. We've been lucky to have traveled the road with companions like Miles. I'm sorry for your grief and hope you find healing in telling his story. My little one had her birthday today; and helped me even though she couldn't be with me. I understand what the whisker means to you. Look forward to hearing about the "Wonder" adventures.

Jim and Jamie

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jphovercraft

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Roberta,

Thank you for your kind words and the poem. The "loving in seperation" isn't the problem, the love is forever, it's the "seperation", isn't it. It's easy when the object of one's affection is right there with you. Susie provided me with a moment of clarity that Miles is indeed still somewhere, but the crude senses I possess are incapable of registering that presence, except in my heart and memories. I want MORE!

I was at my young friend Sam's house (Sam is Joe Hall's son) today where we were celebrating the return of his 5-6 months old kitten, Indy. Indy had disappeared over 2 weeks ago. Posters were put up, shelters were called, searches were mounted, all to no avail. Thursday morning Sam came home from a friend's house and there was Indy, sitting in the yard as if nothing had happened. Joy!

All three of us had lunch togeather and after, Sam and I sat and talked while I idly scratched Indy's head and he lay there soaking up the attention.

THAT'S what I want! My right hand misses Miles. My eyes miss Miles. My nose misses Miles, that incredible fresh scent you experience when you bury your face in a cat you're hugging that's just come inside from a -20 degree sunny winter day. My ears miss Miles...I keep thinking I hear him scratching at the back door wanting in, claws on glass, but he's never there now. WHERE'S MY MILES???

Whew! I just read the above and it reads like a child's tantrum. Sorry, Roberta, none of it is meant to lash out at you. Every reply here, every post in every thread here that I've read, all of them are helping me through this. You seem to have triggered something I haven't encountered yet ... perhaps anger?...could it be that on some horrible, selfish level I'm upset that Sam got his friend back and I didn't? I've known Sam since he was born, I love him and I would die to keep him from harm. Indy is an affectionate, lovable lump of a cat, totally relaxed and fully poseable when he's sleeping and it's a wonderful thing that they're reunited.

Ok, this is way more than I meant to write when I started. Something has been stirred up here that I don't understand yet...well, other than the obvious of not having Miles in my day-to-day life any more. I'm not sure what I'm feeling at the moment. If anyone can shed some light, it would be welcome.

P.S. While there, I had the opportunity to give Joe a hug and thank him for his help via his words delivered by radio last Monday. He looked a little puzzled by it all... 8^)

 

heartsick,

I've read a lot of your posts to other people and your own for your baby Bear. Thank you for your generosity. From the dark of your own deep grief, you seem to be everywhere with a loving and helpful word for everyone here. You're amazing. May peace of mind find you.

You're right about the variability of it all. I was quite functional most of Thursday ... then last night I didn't sleep much for missing my friend. He's supposed to be on my chest getting his head rub and being told what a fine boy he is and then settling into the crook of my arm for an hour or so before he goes out for the night.

My life right now resembles a mine field shaped like a roller coaster where the mines set ME off. I'm up and down and all over the place and the mines I encounter are the most unlikely things. There's obvious ones like the whisker I found, but there's more subtle ones, too. I was washing outside windows today. When I came to the glass doors on the porch, I suddenly realized I was washing away the little muddy footprints Miles left when asking to come in...kaboom! I had to stop writing a few minutes ago and go to the drug store for some cold medecine for Kathy and walked past a bin of cat food and thought for a moment "Do we have enough?" ... kaboom! ... you get the idea.

I never liked roller coasters ... 8^(



Jimbo106,

Thanks, Jim. Yes, we are lucky. It's just hard when it feels like that good luck streak has run out. We will carry the love and the lessons foreward with us forever, I'm certain, and that's some consolation.

John Campbell ... there's a name I haven't heard anyone use in a decade or so. (For the uninitiated, John Campbell was a famous science fiction editor and anthologist.) I read your post and the first thing that popped into my head was the following quote from Isaac Asimov:  "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." All of us here are dealing with the transition and I'm grateful for having found this place and these people who will actually listen and care and help while we all ramble and rant and cry through the heartache. With everybody helping to carry the load, it gets a little lighter.

Thanks, every one of you.

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"There is no such thing as 'just a cat'." - Robert A. Heinlein

"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me." - Kermit the Frog

"I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil." - Gandalf
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jphovercraft

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Reply with quote  #9 
Here's my first effort at the Miles Memory Project. Hope it brings a smile.

Heavy Snow:

Miles loved the snow, digging in it, pouncing on my gloved hand under it, but he'd never seen more than maybe 6 inches of it. One night we got about 2 1/2 feet of it, a lot deeper where it had drifted. I went out in the morning to shovel the walk and driveway. It was a Saturady morning so it was relatively late in the morning and Miles was sleeping.

On a week day, when the shovelling often has to be done before the sun comes up so I can get to work, Miles would have still been awake and helping me, digging at the edges of the mounds of snow I'd be creating, but not today. I finished the walk and driveway and started clearing the deck outside the room where he was sleeping. This woke him up and he of course wanted to join in. I let him out and he joined me on the deck where I was essentially finished. He sat on the deck for a few minutes surveying my work, then stood up and walked to the edge of the deck and hopped off into the snow in the yard .... and disappeared completely from sight in the snow!

I was then treated to the sight of a little orange kangaroo ... boing, boing, boing ... bouncing his way to where I had cleared the walk, disappearing and reappearing with each hop. I was laughing so hard I had to lean on the shovel for support.

He reached the walk, shook off the snow from his fur, shot me a "what are YOU laughing at?" look, sat down and began grooming himself, a picture of composure, as if to say "I MEANT to do that."

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"There is no such thing as 'just a cat'." - Robert A. Heinlein

"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me." - Kermit the Frog

"I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil." - Gandalf
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Jimbo106

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Reply with quote  #10 
Like the snow story...yup even when they take a stumble they always give us the " I meant to do that" look.
I know the anger feeling too; it just didn't seem fair that my little one had to go when we had so much together. Didn't the universe know that I needed her; how could they take her from me. Then there was the attempt at negotiating some kind of deal...what did I have to do to get her back. Then I got angry with myself for being such a wreck. It's been a wild ride; but I never would have experienced the grief if I hadn't experienced the daily joy for all those years. That's what I try to hold on to get through the days.

Wishing you better days.

Jim and Jamie

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heartsick

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Anger is a normal part of grief and just like everything else we never know what will set it off. You are permitted to feel any emotion at any time that you need to feel to deal with your loss. You had a tremendous loss and a huge hole has been left in your life. No matter how many other pets you will have in your life you will have a different relationship with each of them. Miles place in your heart is Miles place forever. I miss the same things you do - I miss Bear's scent - I miss absent mindedly stroking his ear while writing or waiting for inspiration to come. I miss that he is not here. I know I will love him until long after the sun burns out. I just miss him. It is all a part of grief and it is all right. I think the anger usually jumps in after the shock begins to wear off. Let it wash over you and if you feel like you need to hear glass break because you are so angry, take a dozen eggs and go outside and throw them at the side of your house with all of your might. It won't hurt the environment and the action will help release some of the anger.

Thank you for your kind words. I cannot leave someone on this site just hanging there in grief if something I have been through can help someone. I am not made that way.

I love the snow story. How cute was that?

My goal for tonight is small. I want to sleep while it is dark out.

My thoughts are with you.

 

 

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jphovercraft

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Reply with quote  #12 
A rough one today. A morning full of black depression and couple of pointless snappings at Miles' furmom. An afternoon spent in the mine field and on extended naps (if I'm asleep, I'm not hurting)... but those are minefields, too, as Miles was a big fan of a Sunday afternoon nap on the couch with dad.
===
Communion:

Miles knew that if, when Sunday afternoon rolled around, I wasn't actively doing something, there was a nap on the schedule. Wherever I was, he would come and sit and stare at me, maybe tap me on the leg with an expectant paw or do a silent meow if I was looking at him. As soon as I moved, he would run ahead and head for the couch, looking back to make sure I was following. Once I was settled on the couch, Miles would jump up and settle down on my chest, paws below my chin, and gaze into my face with half-closed eyes. I was to do the same and rub his head and talk to him, while, if I was getting it just right, he would grace me with a tiny purr. The talking was as important, perhaps more so, than the head rub. If I became distracted by something on tv and turned away and stopped talking to him, even if I kept up the head rubs, after a minute, the paw would reach out and a tiny bit of claw would be applied to my lip until I returned my full attention to him and continued whatever I was telling him. This could be anything, from what a good boy he was to my troubles of the day to literal bedtime stories, usually his own story, the things that will make up the Miles Memory Project. After he was satisfied that he had heard all he needed to, usually 15-20 minutes or so, he'd move to the crook of my arm and the serious business of napping would begin. 

If he was indoors when I went to bed, this was usual the bedtime ritual as well, but the talking time was shorter at night as he often had cat business outdoors while I slept. Once he was done with our "communion", he'd head out to deal with his own affairs.

===

Today's nap was accompanied by the Star Trek movie marathon on the Space Channel. I woke up at one point just before the following scene from the Generations movie ran:

Earlier in the movie, Data, an android, had an emotion chip implanted. After the Enterprise saucer section crashes, Data and ship's Counselor Troi are searching for survivors.
 
Troi: Data, I found something. One life sign, very faint.
 
Data: [pulls aside wreckage and finds Spot, his pet cat, who looks like Miles] Spot! I'm very happy to see you, Spot.

Troi: Another family reunited. Data, are you all right?
 
Data: I am uncertain, Councillor. I am happy to see Spot, yet I am crying. Perhaps the chip is malfunctioning.
 
Troi: I think it's working perfectly. 

(Kaboom)

Had salmon for supper and realised I didn't have to save a piece for Miles (kaboom)

The Trek-athon had another one for me later. At the end of the documentary film "Trekkies", it's dedicated to the memory of "Bones", an orange tabby (kaboom) in a Star Trek crew shirt who belonged to a couple interviewed in the film.

Part of this afternoon was spent replacing the screen in the back door where Miles had created his own cat door (kaboom). He'd done quite a neat job, a perfect little flap that closed after him. His furmom was annoyed that he'd done this at first and had me repair it a few times, but she finally realised that Miles had all our interests at heart and that maintaining the flap was way less trouble for all of us, and so it's been for years now.

I just realised that it's now Monday and it's been one week. Maybe that's what all this is about ... but indeed, my emotions are "working perfectly".


Roberta: I'd be interested in the readings you mentioned.

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"There is no such thing as 'just a cat'." - Robert A. Heinlein

"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me." - Kermit the Frog

"I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil." - Gandalf
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heartsick

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Reply with quote  #13 

I am so sorry you had a tough day.

Today is the 22nd which is 4 weeks since Bear died - though 3 weeks since his funeral.

You are on the road of a journey that will last the rest of your life. Grief does not go away nor does love. The love will expand as time passes and the grief will become embedded in you so that it is not so raw all of the time and when a memory sneaks up on you - you will smile instead of cry. These things I can promise you.

Things will sneak up on you and make you feel like you just had your guts torn out through your eyeball sockets and then it is all right to cry and vent. Eventually (this takes months to years, so do not be hard on yourself) you will begin to smile at the memories instead of cry.

I have found that grief is much more difficult for men (I don't mean to sound sexist - it is just what I have seen through all my years of grief and grieving). I am glad that you have found this site and are using it to its fullness. This is a great place for men to grieve because no one really knows you like people with whom you work or your neighbors or the people you see every day. Yell and cry and vent here. Take all of the time you need, and it takes a great deal of time. It is true that the first year is the most difficult but as the years go by so are birthdays and anniversaries. Again, I can promise that the pain lessens but it does not go away. Somewhere down the road, even a few years hence, something may catch you at just the right moment and just the right way and you will find yourself crying all over again. It is all okay. Everyone grieves differently and at a different pace. So just let yourself feel whatever you feel until you don't feel it anymore.

So many people have said to me that they wish they could do something to make me feel better and my response is always the same, "I can't even do anything about how awful I feel. I just have to feel this way until I don't feel this way anymore." This is just the way of grief.
I am thinking of you and your baby.
Susan(heartsick)

 

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Jimbo106

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Reply with quote  #14 
Miles and Jamie must have had a psyhic connection; right down to the mouth taps and talking. If I could write; there's a good sci-fi story there.

I haven't gone near the couch.


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Spookysmon

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Reply with quote  #15 
I am sorry also that you are having a bad day.  I understand how you feel as I feel the same way and it is almost 8 weeks since I lost Spooky.  I miss him terribly and probably always will.  Heartsick is right, we all grieve differently and there is no exp date on that grief.  I miss him terribly and I probably will for the rest of my life, even if I decide to adopt another cat.  I know when they made Spooky, they threw away the mold! 

Spooky liked salmon too and I always had to share.  It seems strange not to have to share my dinner anymore.

Please know you are not alone and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kitty
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