Hello Kim. It is very early days indeed for you. How was I at one week in? I have no idea. It was so surreal, those first days, weeks. We took a trip to Amsterdam for a few days for my birthday, two weeks after we lost Timothy. I didn't want to go, but it had all been planned. Whenever we had gone away before, my mum would come to stay to bunny-sit. This time I felt he was here and I was leaving him alone. He was on my mind every single minute. And if, for some reason, I was lost in the moment (for Amsterdam is a lovely place), Timothy would come to my mind suddenly and it was literally like a physical body blow that could reel me over. And then the memory was there again that he'd gone and it came with so much force, not a gradual realisation. I took a little box with some of his fur inside and slept with it close to me. I was so afraid I would loose it. One morning, we were having breakfast at the hotel and I saw him hopping into the dining room. I really did. I was staring at the floor and crying. My husband thought I had totally lost it. I was beginning to think the same because never had I felt such pain, not even when I lost my dad. Loosing my dad was grief, so I thought. Little did I know.
When we were flying back, I remember seeing a rainbow through the plane window. I smiled a proper smile for the first time in many days. I said to myself "We are coming home now, Timbo". I just wanted to get home. And I'm sad I couldn't enjoy a beautiful city like I should have, but glad that Timothy was forever with me while I was there.
It's now nearly 6 months. I'm coming to terms with the fact Timothy isn't here physically for me to pet, feed, play. Have I come to terms with it in other ways.?...no not yet. I cry, I feel guilt, I miss him terribly. He took some of my heart and some of my soul.
It will be a slow process, Kim. The fact our babies were young, seemingly healthy, and they passed without explanation, makes it difficult to understand, and therefore some closure might take a good while. We are probably prepared for that.
Riley is so beautiful. Her photos make me want to just hold her and snuggle.........that's what rag dolls do to you......
" The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal" C.S. Lewis