I've just lost my beloved yorkie Jasper 2 days ago. It is 9 days off his 8th birthday. He was diagnosed with diabetes around 6 months ago. Since then we have given him round the clock care and daily injections to keep his glucose levels controlled. 4 months ago he devloped cataracs and subsiquently lost his sight. We then decided to put him through surgery to have his cataracts reversed. And to our delight, it worked perfectly and he regained his vision back fully. The aftercare for the surgery was gruelling. Pain relief and eye drops as well as his insulin injections. 5 weeks after his surgery, Jasper suddenly fell ill, he couldnt move and was persistantly vomiting. After taking him to our regular vets he was admitted to stay on a drip, we collected him that evening and still no change - he was re-booked in for the morning to start more in depth treatment as tests had indicted a kidney failure. We took his home and layed him on the sofa. He didnt look in pain, just completely tired and washed out. My mum & I moved our mattresses downstairs to sleep in the lounge with him. At some point in the night without us knowing Jasper had moved himself off the sofa and next to us on the floor. I have no idea how he had the strength to do this, but the fact he did confirms to me he knew, and it was his was of saying goodbye. We both soon realised he was on the floor next to us and gave him all the love possible. A few hours later i woke up to him panting and struggling to breathe. My dad and I called an emergency 24 hour vets and was told to bring him in. Jasper was so unresponsive by this point so I layed on the back seat in the car with him on my chest. I looked into his eyes and told him if he had to go i would understand.
We arrived at the vets, 30 mins from home and Jasper was rushed into an oxygen incubator and given pain relief. The vet prepared us for the worst..
Upon getting test results back he confirmed Jasper was intreatable, his organs had one by one shut down and if we chose not to euthanise, he would die within the next few hours.
This was 6.45am. I had to wake my sister who lives in London and tell her to get on a train home.
My Dad & I had no doubt, as hard as it was that we had to put him to sleep. We said our goodbyes to him and left the room. We were in uttershock and disbelief and just wanted to get back with our family.
My poor mum anxiously waited at home.
The vet confirmed Jasper passed quickly and peacefully.
We left him there and paid for a cremation service.
Returning home without Jasper was tragic, and the most painful feeling of all seeing my mum and sister and realising we all felt the same agony.
Waves of adrenaline, shock, happiness, destraught, guilt, worry, numbness, hope and so many more filled the next 24 hours.
He slept in my bed since a pup, i cannot lay in bed and wonder where he is... I decided i'd be best sleeping on the sofa- in the exact same spot he spent his last night. I still didnt sleep a wink.
We all were feeling heaps of guilt by the next evening and the common factor seemed to be because we'd left his lifeless body there, in a strange place and with strange people. We knew he wasnt close to us and it brokes our hearts even more.
I couldnt picture where he was, what he was laying in and where he'd go to be cremated, i felt totally out of control.

It suddenly occurred to us that we must get him back, he belongs home.
The vets were very understanding, but explained Jaspers body was now being frozen and that it was advised to keep him that way.

As crazy as it may sound , we'd much rather him be at home with us in our freezer rather than someone elses and probably with other dogs.
My Dad and my auntie proceeded to collect him and bought him home. He was wrapped in a towell and put in a holdall bag. My auntie was strong enough to see him and it was so great to know it was our dog that was in that bag. I feel it's always a gamble hoping you get the right ashes back after cremation and this is what lead us to making this decision. I sat there last night, in my lonely bed as Jasper laid in our freezer in a workshop at the end of our garden.

This has bought us peace and understanding and we now feel totally in controll of what happens to him next. All we know is we want him here, i can feel his energy, his spirit is close. I want to touch him and see him, but i know i couldnt handle it. I would give anything to have hom back, but thats not the way life works. There are harsh and sudden reminders sent to us all to show us how easily life can slip through our fingers. I know i'll deep down never get over this, and i seriously doubt i'll ever have other dogs, i genuinely feel that Jasper was my soulmate and that a part of me will always be missing.
Now we have to concentrate on supporting eachother through this process and we will all heal eventually.

Today we took him to a beautiful pet cremation centre a little drive from home in the countryside, we took our little girl Darcey- his sister from day 1, we wanted her to be a part of our journey. We left Jasper there and chose our own casket with his name engraved. The staff were sincere and understanding, they explained they started this business as they'd been through the same thing but had very little options in what to do next.
We left jasper, still in the holdall on the table in the calm and peaceful surroundings of the crematorium. I said goodbye to him, i put my hands under the weight of the bag. Part of me wanted to see him, but i knew he wouldn't be there anymore. I could feel his head which naturally fell into my hands. I left wet patches of tears on the bag as i walked out and closed the door.

3 hours later, we had the call to collect him. He now sits in the front room next to some white roses a family member so kindly left for us and a burning candle. I feel such a relief that i know he's there with us, not how we want him to be, but at least we know it's him. He's gone now in body but i hope with all my heart that he makes his way back to me somehow and somewhere.

He's left such a huge hole in our lives which will never be filled.

The first of anything is just excruciating, the first walk, feeding time, bath, 8pm injection slot, even the first time Eastenders is on as all i can think is, the last time this happened he was alive.

Then the 'what ifs' take over; what if we fed him something wrong, what if he felt any pain when being cremated or transported in the car there, what if he was awake in that freezer and couldn't get out,what if we took him to the vets earlier, what if we said no to euthanasia- would he have made it ? I suppose i'll never know the answer to these questions but i hope in time the guilt will fade.

I will have my own children one day and tell them all about him, my special boy.
Now i need to be creative with my thoughts and decide on whether to make a scrap book, a framed picture, do something with his collar or perhaps find a memory box to put in all of his toys. They all currently sit in his bed in my room. I'm usually not a hoarder as such. But i like having them there all together, i'm half expecting them to have changed position of one of them to be missing each time i go into the room. I know he's love to have them all lined up in a row for his perusal.

He's left me, Kadie aged 25, my sister Sian aged 28 my Mum & Dad both 50 and his sister behind.
she doesnt understand is continues to sit on the stairs and wait for him to come home. Maybe its best she doesnt know the harsh reality that he never will.
What a blessing it was to have him in my life, i will forever crave him by my side to cuddle. In a way writing this blog has helped me get my emotions out.
I sincerley hope we will meet again
And sorry to all of you who are going through the same thing
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Hello kadie I'm truly sorry for your loss. It sounds like you couldn't have done any more for jasper and he knows how much you did and how much you loved him. I lost my cat Ollie on Saturday after a short illness and have all the feelings you describe, myself and my daughter stayed with him while he passed and while it was heartbreaking it was a relief he was no longer suffering but the relief didn't last long. I'm devastated but have to try make time for my dog sasha, she knows something's wrong and licks the tears from my face. I too had a jasper,a golden cocker spaniel I lost in 2012 to cancer and it takes time to feel better and think about him and not feel your heart break. I found Ollie as a tiny kitten not long after losing jasper and always felt jasper sent him to me. I hope you all feel better soon but just take your time and go with the flow. Sending hugs. Annette
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So sorry Kadie, we all on here feel and share your pain. The first thing we do is beat ourselves up about what we could have done differently but do any of us have a crystal ball? I know the grief is unbearable, I feel so empty and heartbroken too. We just have to accept that we hae taken their pain and placed it upon ourselves so they don't have to suffer any more, something I have learnt from the wonderful people here. X
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Hi Kadie, I am truly sorry for your loss and I too am in the "guilt" phase.  It always feels like I could have done more.  I also lost a yorkie.  I hope this site brings you and I some comfort.
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Thank you all so much for taking the time to reapond to me.
Wow Annette i got goosebumps just thinking you had a jasper and that he sent you a sign from him. How lucky.

Its so nice to be on here and seeing all of your posts and nice comments. There aren't enough nice comments in the world so this really goes far for me.
Of course it's not nice to know we're all in so much pain, but just comforting to know what i am feeling is 'normal'. I don't feel so alone now.

Im so scared about sleeping, i spent a small fortune on herbal remedies to help me tonight.
I guess i know this is the one place were me and jasper were every single night, no matter what. Now it just feels cold and empty.
My mind is just replaying thoughts over and over again.

I heard a song on the radio today.. (Why oh why do all of the bad ones appear in moments like this)... I've heard this song many times before but never noticed the lyrics.. '"And i don't want the world to see me.. 'Cause i don't think that they'll understand. When everything's been made to be broken, i just want you to know who I am"

It really touched me, i'm worried that people that don't understand think i'm mad for feeling this way. I've called in sick to work, and whilst they tell me to take all the time i need, there's always a doubt in my mind that they really don't understand.

Thanks again everyone, it really means alot that i'm not alone and in someway we can all help eachother in this healing process

Kadie x
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Hi Kadie,

I've just registered here too and I was reading your post earlier. 
It seems guilt is a common feeling and that we will always examine and unpick the decisions we make. Worrying that they are still suffering and needing some reassurance about this also seems to be common. 
I think just sharing your experience with others who understand is helpful. It is clear that Jasper was loved very much by all of you, including his sister. 

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Hi Kadie, so sorry. The first thing we do is take the biggest stick we can find and beat ourselves with it. You know in your heart you did everything you could out of pure love and your baby knows that. It is because they are in our hands and having to make any decisions about the most precious thing in our lives is so bloody hard! I have had to take the week off work too and have even been to the doctors. People do generally understand and care and those few who don't, well they haven't been blessed with the amazing bonds we have had. We are all sharing this gut wrenching, lonely and soul destroying path together. Bless you my lovely. X
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