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JinglesMom
Thank you so much for posting this. It brought tears to my eyes. I needed this post literally right at this very second because I'm feeling guilt. I felt better when I read "the real tragedy would be to never have never known them at all". I'm glad I read that and looked at it in this way. At least I had my boy, if only for a short time. And at least he had me, and a very loving home. Surely he would've died as a kitten if my mom hadn't found him by chance.[/QUOTE

Dear Julia,

Thank you so much for your very kind reply to my take on this journey of grief. I just started writing it one night and could not seem to stop, and I held on to it for a few days and did some editing, because I wanted it to be just perfect for so many who are going through the pain of losing a dear companion and best friend. I truly believe every single word I wrote with all of my heart, and I have absolutely no doubt that our sweet babies are still so close. I have had three losses in a span of just five years, so I am still reeling, and I lost my darling Jingles in January of this year. He crossed the bridge at 17 years of age, so I do feel very fortunate to have had him for so long, but you know what, it is never, ever long enough, we always want more.

I wanted so many more, and those years went by in the blink of an eye, and I thought that losing him, my very last kitty, and the love of my life, would literally be the final chapter for me as far as hope and faith is concerned, but going through this has made me stronger, and deeper, and he has never left my heart, and he is as close to me now as when he was physically here. A few nights after I had to say such a sudden and sad goodbye to him, I heard a very distinct meow in the middle of the night, when I was on my computer writing a letter to him. It was so sweet, and I would know that meow anywhere, it was him, and it brought such a pure joy to my heart, even in the deepest throes of my grief.

I did read a few of your stories about your McCartney, and I could not hold back my tears. The love you have for your beautiful boy is so evident and shines right through every single word you write to and about him. I visited his memorial page and it was just absolutely beautiful. The music was perfect, your words to him were perfect, and his picture, oh my goodness, he reminds me so much of my Jingles. I have never met your sweet kitty, but he made my heart melt at first glance. I am so sorry that you lost out on so many years with him, and I really do understand, as I lost my wonderful boy Jasper just a little over five years ago, and he was only 7 years old. He lost his battle with a brain tumor which came on him so suddenly, and within three days, my big, strong, healthy, vibrant boy could not eat, and I watched it take him away from me before my very eyes. He was hurting so bad that I had to take him to the doctor, and love him enough to let him go. Walking out of that animal hospital with his empty carrier left me feeling devastated, hopeless, and wondering how I could ever face another day.

So I know how it feels to lose out on so much time with them. I think to myself even now, Jasper should still be here with me, in the prime of his life, he would only be 12 years old. How sad, and all I could think of at the time is, this is just so wrong, and nothing could ever make it right. Over the years I have gained some perspective, but I will always feel hurt and so sad that he was taken away from me so soon, but it is not my place to question, only God knows why, and God has been my refuge through every storm, and for that I am forever thankful. The really interesting part of this tragedy is that I can still feel my special boy's beautiful spirit all around me even after over five years have passed by, as I can still feel my dear Jingles, and my sweet little girl named Pootie Tang, who lost her fight with mammary cancer a year and a half ago at the age of 13. I used to call my Pootie Tang my little pocket kitty, because she was always so tiny, I probably could have fit her right into my pocket. She was not as big as a minute, but with the heart and soul of a little lioness.

 I may not be able to see them with my eyes, but I can still feel them with my heart. I keep writing that sentence so often in my posts because truer words were never spoken, and only those who are going or have been through this awful struggle of grief can truly understand the deep meaning behind those words. Please do not let that awful guilt take away the joy and happiness you had with your boy. I grapple with it every single day too, because no matter when we lose them, how we lose them, or why we lose them, we always think there is something more we could have done. But when all is said and done, we did the very best we could, and when they made their journey across that bridge, they knew how much they were loved, and that is what is most important of all. 

I was so happy when I read that you had opened your heart and home to your kitty named Desmond, and I am so sure that he was sent to you by your very special McCartney. I do not know if I will ever be able to adopt again, because as much as I cherish my babies and the love and light they brought into my world, the mind and the heart can only take so much. But I have heard that sometimes fate steps in and they choose us, or as in your case, I bet your dear boy definitely had a hand in it, and he chose for you. I see that you picked up on a few of the most important words I wrote, that the real tragedy would be if we had never known them at all. So if I am correct, I read in your post that you had your boy for six years, and I know without a doubt that you would never trade those years of joy and promise, not even to avoid the heartache and pain of losing him.

Thank you again so much Julia, and I am so grateful to hear that the words I wrote could give you some comfort. I know how much you love your little guy, and he knows too. I hope your days are filled with the sweet memories of your beautiful boy, and may he guide your path with the light of his incredible and unending love. Keeping you, McCartney, and Desmond in my thoughts and prayers today, tomorrow, and always. Remember that your sweet McCartney is as close as you calling out his name. Pamela, Mom to Jingles, Jasper, and Pootie Tang
.

Pamela Lynne Crawford
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Ronnie
"Once in a lifetime, a very sweet and special little soul will come along, and they will wrap themselves so completley around our very heart and soul. When they look up at us with those beautiful and trusting eyes of theirs, when they lay their dear little head upon our shoulder, when they give us the pure and absolute joy of their unfaltering love, well there is just no going back. It is amazing how quickly we become attached to these precious little ones, and once they find their way into our hearts, they are ours forevermore, until our eyes meet once again in a kinder, gentler place."
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You are SO right! This is exactly how I've been feeling. My precious boy left me July 7th, 5 weeks ago, and he was only 11. I feel like he still should be here, and shouldn't have had such a serious medical problem after all we went through last year. 

It aches so much, especially in the mornings and when I come from work. Talyn truly was a 'once in a lifetime companion'. I don't know if I'll ever have that kind of chemistry again with another, but I do know that someday another feline soul will need me, and in honor of Talyn, I will do the same for them that I did for him. I'm still in shock that he's not physically right there with me anymore. I buried him with tears in my eyes. This past weekend I had several breakdowns. It was very unexpected and too soon. I've lost felines before, and it was always sad, but losing my precious Talyn has been the deepest level of pain and sorrow I have ever felt in my life. He meant EVERYTHING to me.

Your post was spot on as far as how I am feeling and what I am dealing with. When I met Talyn, it was serendipity, or kizmet as some call it. He found me out in the world, called out to me, and stole my heart on the spot.

https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/TALYN001/Resident.htm

I didn't expect him to leave me at an early age, and I am reeling. I can't focus on work, I have a knot in my stomach that never goes away, because I waited too long to get him help, and he died minutes before i got to the doctor :(
I'll never be the same again. He was truly a once in a lifetime companion!

Ronnie



Ronnie A
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Ronnie
"They chose us for a reason, they loved us with a love that knows no bounds, and they will be ours for all eternity."

That is so true!
Ronnie A
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JinglesMom
Ronnie wrote:
"Once in a lifetime, a very sweet and special little soul will come along, and they will wrap themselves so completley around our very heart and soul. When they look up at us with those beautiful and trusting eyes of theirs, when they lay their dear little head upon our shoulder, when they give us the pure and absolute joy of their unfaltering love, well there is just no going back. It is amazing how quickly we become attached to these precious little ones, and once they find their way into our hearts, they are ours forevermore, until our eyes meet once again in a kinder, gentler place."
---------------------------------------------

You are SO right! This is exactly how I've been feeling. My precious boy left me July 7th, 5 weeks ago, and he was only 11. I feel like he still should be here, and shouldn't have had such a serious medical problem after all we went through last year. 

It aches so much, especially in the mornings and when I come from work. Talyn truly was a 'once in a lifetime companion'. I don't know if I'll ever have that kind of chemistry again with another, but I do know that someday another feline soul will need me, and in honor of Talyn, I will do the same for them that I did for him. I'm still in shock that he's not physically right there with me anymore. I buried him with tears in my eyes. This past weekend I had several breakdowns. It was very unexpected and too soon. I've lost felines before, and it was always sad, but losing my precious Talyn has been the deepest level of pain and sorrow I have ever felt in my life. He meant EVERYTHING to me.

Your post was spot on as far as how I am feeling and what I am dealing with. When I met Talyn, it was serendipity, or kizmet as some call it. He found me out in the world, called out to me, and stole my heart on the spot.

https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/TALYN001/Resident.htm

I didn't expect him to leave me at an early age, and I am reeling. I can't focus on work, I have a knot in my stomach that never goes away, because I waited too long to get him help, and he died minutes before i got to the doctor :(
I'll never be the same again. He was truly a once in a lifetime companion!

Ronnie





Dear Ronnie,

Thank you so much for your very kind words about my post. I had started thinking about this grief struggle, and how we are all trying so hard to just make it through each day without the little loves of our life, and I was trying to put into words all that I have learned through this roller coaster of tears. and what so often feels like complete and utter devastation, especially in the beginning. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your sweet Talyn, and my heart truly goes out to you. I read your words about losing him in your thread and your post brought me to tears, the special love and deep bond you have with him shines right through every single word you wrote. Any loss is hard, any loss is heartbreaking, but when we lose them at a younger age, there is a different component there. I lost my Jasper at the young age of seven to a brain tumor, and I used to feel so cheated out on so much time with him.

I know your beautiful boy was only eleven, and I can so relate to your pain and sadness. It just felt so wrong when I had to say such a sad goodbye to my Jasper, this was not supposed to happen, he should still be right here with me now, in the prime of his life, but it was just not to be. I can recall every single memory vividly from that horrific night over five years ago, and walking out of the animal hospital with his empty carrier changed me forever. The colors went out of my world, and I would go to work and do what needed to be done, but then when I would come home, I would literally sink into my grief. I was consumed by my loss, and this is what I needed to do, I had to feel the pain and feel so completely and utterly broken, in order for the healing to begin, and for the light to come shining back through. I took my refuge in God, He carried me when I did not think I could walk even one more step. I prayed so fervently and with such faith, and like a person out in the middle of the sea trying to keep their head above water, He was always with me, and He not only threw me a lifeline, He taught me how to swim, and for that I am forever grateful.

Please do not let that awful g word (guilt) take away the joy and the bright and shiny days you had with your boy. It is sad but true that guilt seems to be such a big part of our journey of grief, and we all seem to have to deal with it. No matter when we lose them, how we lose them, or why we lose them, we always wish we had done something different, we always wish we had done something better. I have had three such profound losses in a span of five and a half years, and I must say that I felt guilt with every single one of them. I had to love my Jasper enough to let him go, so he was at the doctor's when I made that sad but necessary decision to release him from his suffering - Guilt. Watching him go limp after the doctor gave him the injection while I was holding him in my arms was so traumatic, but at least he was not hurting anymore, but it was still one of the hardest and most painful experiences of my entire life. He was my big strong boy with such a sweet and special spirit about him, and he has never left my heart. I miss my dear Jasper more than words could ever say.

My little kitty named Pootie Tang was stricken with cancer at the age of thirteen, and what happened is that in her last days when she knew she was losing the battle with this disease, she did not want me to find her passed away in my home, so even though she was an indoor only kitty, she slipped outside when I was running errands one day, then came back three days later scratching at the door around midnight to say one final goodbye, then ran off into the dark and cold of the night, never to be seen again - Guilt. I watched as that awful cancer slowly but surely took my sweet little girl away from me. I miss my dear Pootie Tang more than words could ever say, she was not as big as a minute, but with the heart and soul of a little lioness. 

 My darling Jingles who was seventeen years old, woke up in the middle of the night on the last day of January this year and let out an awful cry, and jumped off of the bed where he had been sleeping with me, and I watched as he walked and he seemed disoriented. I picked him right up and was getting ready to take him to the animal emergency clinic, and then realized that there was no time as he started to struggle with every breath. I wrapped him in his soft blanket and held him in my arms, and I told him that he could go to the light, and I told him how much I loved him, and that Jasper and Pootie Tang would be waiting for him to show him the way. I still remember seeing the fear and panic in his sweet eyes as he was struggling with every breath, and that will forever haunt me - Guilt. If only I had known he was so close to the end, maybe I could have prevented this, maybe I could have taken him to the doctor and let him go peacefully, he so deserved a peaceful transition, they all do. Well it was not even ten minutes, and my precious boy was gone, but it felt like forever. I actually prayed for God to help him, because I could not bear to see him so scared and hurting for one more moment, and thankfully as much as it hurt me, he was finally at peace, he had crossed over to that kinder and gentler place, and all I wanted was to go with him. He went from my embrace to God's loving arms that night, so I knew he was safe. I miss my little boy Jingles more than words could ever say, he was with me through good times and bad, he will always be my once in a lifetime.

 I really do understand the guilt, the pain, and the despair, it can feel relentless and like a never ending struggle. But through all of the sadness and all of the sorrow, something miraculous happened, I could still feel my three little angels with me. I could feel their sweet and beautiful spirit surrounding me no matter how much time had passed. They are as close to me now as when they were physically here, and I may not be able to reach out and touch them, but I can feel them with my heart. Just know one thing, when your sweet Talyn started walking across that bridge, he had you with him every step of the way. They don't take those last sad or scary moments with them, they take the days and the years so filled with love, the beautiful and happy days so filled with such promise and pure joy. 

When he was walking toward that light, he knew how much he was loved, and that is the most important thing of all. Please be gentle with yourself and know that you did the very best for your beautiful boy, he knows that without one single doubt, now all you have to do is believe it. He is as close as you calling out his name, and stay open to the signs, sometimes when we least expect it, they will send us a message, it can be so very subtle, but we just need to connect the dots, and we need to believe. I will be keeping you and your precious boy in my thoughts and prayers, and always remember that with deep love comes great grief, and that is the price we pay, but even though your beloved boy took such a big part of you with him when he crossed over, he left so much more behind. Yes, the real tragedy would be if you had never known him at all, and if he had never known you. If he could right now, I can imagine he would thank you so much for his wonderful life here on this earth, you really do good, you really did do right by him, never forget that, he certainly won't. Your Talyn is your once in a lifetime, and he will always be with you, in every way that counts.  Pamela … Mom to Jingles, Jasper, and Pootie Tang

Pamela Lynne Crawford
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Ronnie
I appreciate your reply very much. I would be even more of a wreck without this site and understanding people like you. I'm sitting in my empty apartmenht expecting my amazing boy to jump in my lap and he isn't there anymore. It feels so wrong. I offer you what ever condolences I can for the losses you've endured as well. It's been 5 weeks and it feels like both a life time ago, and yesterday at the same time.
Ronnie A
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Memories_of_Marmalade



Dear Ronnie,

You wrote: 

"It's been 5 weeks and it feels like both a life time ago, and yesterday at the same time."

That is very poignant. I have never hear it put quite that way. So true. It is as if time...has been somehow displaced.

It will be 12 weeks this coming Thursday since my Marmalade departed, and I can't seem to get a fix on time. 

James

 

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