meganwade3
The love of my life, Banks, passed away Thursday night after a 2 month battle with feline lymphoma. I was beyond hysterical Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Like can't eat, can't sleep, can't breathe hysterical. Today, I woke up feeling NOTHING. I know he's gone, I know how much I love him, I know I want him back more than anything in the world, but the tears have stopped and I just can't feel anything anymore. I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad... I just don't feel anything. Is this numbness something other people ever feel? It scares me because it's so unexpected after the last few days... I couldn't eat or stop sobbing for 3 full days and was expecting that to be my new normal for months. I have dreaded losing my best friend for years and the pain I felt when he passed in my arms was the most excruciating experience of my life. The last few days all I wanted was to stop crying and sleep for the next year, but this numbness feels frightening. Is something wrong with me? What does this mean?
Megan
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Thea
Megan

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I felt exactly the same when my precious kitty, Whiskers passed in March this year. I am still broken up and I still cry every day for her. 

Don't worry about the numbness. I know that lots of us have felt that feeling. There are days when I will cry like I will never stop and then afterwards I don't feel anything. I walk around and do my daily chores sort of automatically. Sometimes I will go and do something and then realise that I have already done it!  

Just remember that we all experience grief in different ways so don't worry about it. Grieve for Banks, don't hold it in. If you feel you want to cry, then cry. And don't let anyone tell you to get over it. I have had people tell me to go and get another cat or that my precious Kitty was "old anyway so what do you expect?".

Come here and read other people's posts, it does help. I know it has helped me tremendously, knowing that I am not alone.

I am praying for you.

Love and hugs
Thea 

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Lizzy12
I think the numbness is normal sometimes... Your brain can only process so much grief at once and I think the numbness is a way we protect ourselves. Try not to judge your grief, you have to get through it any way you can. Sometimes I expect to cry but when I want the tears and emotions to start to flow, I just feel nothing. Other times I can't get myself to stop crying. Seems like it's all the new normal. I hope coming here helps you cope.
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meganwade3
Well, that 24 hour numbness is gone and it's back into the deep, dark hole. I'm weepy, but not full sobbing (yet). I don't want to get out of bed or see anyone. I wish I could sleep all day. The only thing I want to do is talk about Banks. I worry that my family will tire of hearing about him constantly or that they won't mourn him as long as I do and it will hurt so much to see them move on from him. I know I won't ever move on - I just miss him so much and he is the only one who could make me feel better now. This is just so excruciating.
Megan
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chicagocats
I'm sorry for the loss of your Banks. We all process loss differently. Find people who support you and share with them. I go to a pet loss group run by a therapist twice a month. People there understand loss and nobody judges anyone for being sad or feeling numb or whatever it is they are feeling. The therapist is also helping me put the loss of my sweet Carma cat into perspective so I can cope better.

I wouldn't worry about friends and family not being supportive in the future. Take it moment by moment. I was surprised by the people who ended up being the most supportive when I lost Carma's brother, Gus, two years ago. Right now though, just live in the moment and feel whatever you feel. 

I did my own form of shiva for Carma. For 7 days I did whatever I felt like doing - if that meant wearing the same clothes and not showering, then that's what I did. I slept when I wanted. I cried whenever I felt like it. I wanted to fully mourn the loss of my soul mate. I don't care about the rest of the worlds schedule. People used to be able to mourn without a time limit. I don't know what's going on in our society now, but it's not healthy and I've opted out of this need to "rush everything". 

Banks meant the world to you so take the time you need to grieve the loss. Don't judge yourself or worry about others. The only person you are responsible for right now is you. Banks would want to know that you are taking care of yourself and processing this the way you need to.
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NormaT
Dear Megan,

The roller coaster of emotions are awful. I think your description of excruciating is spot on - the pain is so intense and unbearable. please believe me - it does get easier with time and the darkness and despair you feel now will slowly lift.  If you feel your family will tire of you then come here where there is always someone with a listening ear. I know how you feel - my family seemed able just to continue with their lives after Spike was put to sleep. It seemed I was the only one who was missing him and I felt like I had to cry in private because they were fed up of seeing me unhappy.
I must admit though it got to the point where I didn't care and told them if they couldn't cope with me being unhappy then that was their problem and I would damn well cry whenever and wherever I wanted to.  


Norma
Norma 
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Jody
Megan, I am still feeling numb. I am so sorry for your loss. I am at three weeks since I lost my baby Tony suddenly through the night. Some moments I find myself laughing but thats thanks to my coworkers or my mom. I have received some smiles from everyone's pictures on this site of their beautiful babies! When I am at home, I feel numb. I try to play with my other two babies so they are okay and not grieving with me. So I am forced to find strength through my days. I guess that's good but I'd rather do nothing and just stay on this site to talk to everyone. After the days of shock and sobbing uncontrollably are over, comes the depression. Keep your head up and know that on here, you are not alone...take care
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Lizzy12
I can relate to everyone so much... It hasn't even been a full week since my cat passed, but I'm eating and back at work and it feels like everyone is just saying, oh good to see you're better. Being able to function is better but I'm still not over grieving. I'm so sorry you feel like Banks is the only one who could make it better, it really is terrible to miss them so much.
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meganwade3
Thank you everyone for the replies - it really helps to know I'm not alone in my feelings. 
Megan
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sarab
Megan, I've felt all the emotions described here.  I vacillate between feeling numb, crying at the drop of a hat, feeling angry ... the list goes on.  I've also been experiencing strange symptoms that I haven't had before which I'm hoping are just stress related.  I've been a complete mess since my Teddy left us a month ago.  I am having a hard time processing it all and don't know when I'll start feeling functional again.  My heart weeps for you as I know how difficult this is for you.
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Ashmonster
Megan I too lost my baby who was everything to me. I was amazingly able to handle finding out about his cancer and thanks to my friend who is also a vet, stay strong in making the decision to let him go before he suffered too much...I never, ever thought I would be able to do this...ever. I used to tear up at the mere thought of one day having to live without him. My family doesn't understand, so I am here...it helps. I couldn't eat for week (it has been 3 now). I still notice I am in a fog...deep sadness, hysterical tears, anger, guilt...are all there. Take it moment by moment. I talk to my Milhouse in my head...doing this without falling apart has helped me know I am getting stronger. I will keep you in my prayers. Sending strength.
Amk
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