I cried and felt the grief before we had to put Zoie down, and a bit after however, the short lived grief has turned to me being completely numb since Monday. There are spurts of tears for a minute which quickly turn to a blank slate. I know the numbness is a coping mechanism but it has me stagnate. So much to when I tell my fiance, Harlem, Shiloh (our other two fur-babies), or anyone one else "I love you" it is just empty words at the moment.  I'm not sure when it's going to release, and it scares me. I am tired of everyday tasks, come 6pm and it's nap time. Zoie made such an impact on my heart and was there through so much with me. Through Middle School, High School, my first love, many other frogs to me becoming engaged. She just knew my heart. I knew loosing her was going to be hard but, I feel it's not even the tip of the iceberg yet. Did anyone else experience the numbness, where emotions just don't seems to exists?
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I am experiencing fazes of this just going through the motions as if i am detached from emotions at least u r responsive i am am going into a shell and am worried that i have just stopped funtioning this will pass i hope for u and me joy and meaning will creep in again dont worry
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There are so many phases of grief, and numbness serves to protect us at the beginning as we start to cope with the reality of our loved one being gone. For four and a half months I provided my horse JR round the clock care, trying to save his life with the help of his dedicated vet. He survived one set back after another, always fighting for his life, never giving up for a minute, so I wouldn't give up either. Each set back was followed by a week or two of seemingly huge improvement that gave us all hope. On the morning JR died, I had been with him all night and as the sun came up I saw in his eyes that he was done fighting and the battle was lost. I felt panic and disbelief and shock. I just couldn't lose him after all we had been through together. His life slipped away as he laid on the ground with me crying over him and kissing his sweet face. I saw the emptiness in his eyes and he was gone. I sat there for a half hour crying, then stood up, walked into the house, took a shower and dressed for work. I told myself I had done all I could for him and there was nothing left that I could do. I didn't say a word to even my friends at work, who knew all about JR, until the end of the day. They cried with me. When I got home I fell apart, with periods of gut wrenching crying that left me breathless. But I had no emotion for anyone or any thing else in my life. Just emptiness. Like the only thing I was connected to anymore was my grief and loss and nothing else mattered or had any impact in my life. Work was my only distraction, and the weekends were totally unbearable. Everywhere there was a reminder that my JR is gone. By the end of week three, I was feeling some relief and not crying constantly when I was home. I was starting to think more of our happy times together and how much love we shared. Part way between weeks four and five I fell apart again totally and unexpectedly. In week six I am starting to put the pieces of myself back together again. The whole experience has been a roller coaster! Just when I think I've reached another phase and somehow my life might somehow be normal again, I am thrown right back into the most desperate sense of loss and overwhelming sadness. 

You will experience all kinds of emotions as part of your journey through loss and grief. Know that you have found a place where you can express your feelings and find the understanding and support of others who have lost their dear loved ones, too. 

Sending you thoughts of comfort and peace. Keep coming back and writing. It truly does help.

JRs Mom

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