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Becky1990

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Reply with quote  #16 
Louetta,
Sorry I haven't written you in a couple of days but know that you are on my mind. You spoke about Ruby getting off the couch and smelling where Tomas use to lay under the coffee table. I wonder if she smelled his presence there, right then? I never really believed about them coming back to visit until I had my first cat in the 90's. After he passed, one day I took  nap on the couch with my arm hanging over the side of the couch. All of a sudden, I woke up, and felt a "brush" against my hand. I knew  right then an there that it was him, letting me know he was okay. I have had many cats pass since then, and never felt that again, with them. I am a firm believer that they do come back since then.
North Carolina is such a beautiful place. Do you live near the mountains? I have been to Hilton Head before and lived in Colorado for a couple of years. I miss the mountains! Florida is flat, flat, flat lol. 
Well, give a kiss to Ruby and Cleo and hope that you are doing better. Hugs, Becky
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Lfc7118

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Reply with quote  #17 
Becky,
It could have possibly been him. I have heard that cats can see and feel things that we can't and I do believe that. I hope he is telling me that he is okay. I miss him so much. It just isn't the same without him being here. Every day when I leave for work I feel bad leaving Ruby by herself when Cleo refuses to stay in the house. Cleo has always been an outside cat so her inside time is limited to how long she wants to be in here. I would like to say things are getting easier, but honestly it just depends on the day. Some days are better than others. I live close to Charlotte and McAdenville better known as Christmastown USA. This is the worst time of the year to live where I do because if you want to leave your house after Thanksgiving you have to do it before dark or you don't get very far because of the traffic going to McAdenville. I love the beach. I love listening to the sound of the waves. It is so relaxing. I can't wait till it gets warm again so I can make my way there. I promise Ruby gets hugs and kisses all day long. Cleo only allows me to give her head rubs she isn't big on kisses. Thanks for continuing to be there for me it is helping me get through this process.
Hugs. Louetta
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Becky1990

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Reply with quote  #18 
Louetta,
I know what you mean about good days and bad days. On Thanksgiving Day it will be three months for me and it sure in the heck seems a lot longer. I still miss him very much. This house is not the same without him and I don't think it ever will be. Today just stinks. He would really be enjoying this weather now that it has cooled down.  
I was glad that I took out the garbage when I did this morning. There was a cat in the backyard and Toby was just staring at it. It never even tried to run away when it saw me. I haven't seen a cat out there in a long time. I had to distract Toby cause I didn't want to see fur flying lol. Surprisingly Toby listened to me and stayed. I sometimes feel bad that he doesn't have a playmate to play with. But I am done with younger cats. If I adopt another it will be a older one.
I just had a friend adopt one last week and they told her she was about 6 1/2 years old but when she took her to the vet yesterday, he thought she was older than that. 
Well I hope that you are having a better day today. Take care and will talk soon. Hugs, Becky
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Lfc7118

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Reply with quote  #19 
Becky,
I managed not to cry today even though he was on my mind all day. I keep looking for him out the window even though I know he isn't coming home. My girls had company last night while they were sitting on the porch a stray came up and I just happened to open the door and catch them all staring at each other. I made my two come in and then I fed the other one. It is used to eating leftovers from Cleo having her food outside. It eats then it leaves. It is from around the neighborhood. I have seen it down the road when I was out walking. I am sorry Thanksgiving is going to be a tough day being 3 months. How is Gypsy doing? I understand about wanting Toby to have a friend. I feel bad for Ruby because Tomas was her only friend. She chose him and brought him home otherwise I would not have had another cat. I hate that Ruby doesn't have anyone to play with because Cleo won't play, but with Ruby she has to pick the cat it won't work I know I tried a long time ago. I brought a kitten home and Ruby didn't like it and was attacking me so I found the kitty a new home which worked out for the other kitty because it rules the home it lives in now. For now no more cats are coming to live here. I have to manage this grief now, but if down the road Ruby finds a new friend it might be an option.
Talk to you later. Hugs. Louetta
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Lfc7118

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Reply with quote  #20 
Dear Tomas,
It has been really rough lately. Everywhere I look around the house I see your stuff and I start to cry. I miss you so much. I know you are in a better place, but I don't know when I can get me to a better place. I want to stop crying but I don't know how to get me there. I am trying to heal, but I still haven't been able to get myself to forgive myself for letting you out that morning. I wish I could have kept you safe. I still don't understand why it was your time when you just came into my life less than a year and a half ago. None of this makes any sense to me. I miss little boy. Mommy loves you so much.
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Gucci

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Reply with quote  #21 
Louetta - I know it's just so wrenching to think about how young Tomas was. My Sammi was barely 2 and a half, and I feel that boy and I were unbelievably shortchanged. He had so much rolling in the grass left to do, so many summer days napping in the shade of his favourite shrub, so many evenings when he could make the rounds of his favourite spots, so many more occasions to enjoy his favourite tuna snack...

I have absolutely no doubt that you were a stellar guardian for Tomas, that he was loved completely, and that you always had his best interests in mind. There is NO WAY you could have known or controlled what happened when you let him out that morning; please be compassionate with yourself.

There's no doubt he had a brief life; he also had a loving, wonderful, full one because of you, and that's something you can always be proud of.

Big hugs to you.
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Lfc7118

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Reply with quote  #22 
Gucci,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I do like him very much and him being gone just feels so wrong. I am so sorry your Sammi had to leave so soon as well. It has been a gut wrenching experience. I have 2 other beautiful little kitties in my home and even though Tomas was the last to join my family he stole my heart instantly. My home feels so different without him here. I look at the places where he used to sleep and I cry because he isn't there. Every time the wind blows my door open I think it is going to be him coming in the door, but it isn't him. I want to be to move past the crying, but I don't know how to get myself there. I lost pets before but I have never felt the pain as I do for the loss of Tomas. My heart aches for him. Thank you for being here for me as I work through this.
Louetta
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Gucci

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Reply with quote  #23 
Louetta - Yes, it's a mysterious alchemy that induces us to respond differently to one cat versus others, isn't it? 

I loved all my cats, and my younger cat Moses is an absolute darling. At the same time, my connection with Sammi was of a different order than the bond I had with other cats in the past, so losing 'Boy1' (as I called him) was acutely and devastatingly difficult for me.

There was just something about his energy and his intensity that I related to instantly, and there was nothing I loved more than watching him unbound outside, free to jump and explore and spend time napping in spots that none of my other cats would have ever chosen.

It's just so sad, and at times my body physically aches thinking about him. I realized the other day that I was actually feeling intensely lonely because I missed him so much. No matter that I have wonderful family members and friends around me; it was Sammi I wanted, and he's not here.

I'm glad we're able to support one another on this path.
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Lfc7118

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Reply with quote  #24 
Gucci,
You are so right the love I felt for him is so different than the love I have for my girls. He was my first boy too. I wasn't looking for another cat when he came into our lives. He just showed up and Ruby liked him and she doesn't like other cats so I decided after about a month of him coming around that I would make him a permanent family member. He was so full of enjoy. He used to run from one side of the up a tree so quickly. I gave him the nickname The Flash because he was fast. He loved to play and be brushed multiple times a day. I miss having in crawl under my coffee table waiting on me to brush him. The atmosphere in the house is so different without him here. I think Tomas and Sammi would have made good friends running through the yards chasing things. I don't know where I would in this grieving process if I wouldn't have found this forum and you all to help me through this. It has been hard, but someday I know the pain will lessen. Thanks again for being there.
Louetta
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Gucci

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Reply with quote  #25 
Louetta - It's a tough pill to fully accept that as amazing as it can be to have wonderful and unexpected happenings in our lives - like Tomas showing up as he did - we may also experience terribly sadness in unexpected ways.

Life can be so random and unpredictable. As much as I know intellectually that it's probably best to always keep in mind that the beings we hold dearest to us may very well slip away when we least expect it, the reality of the situation when it actually happens is gruelling. 

Tomas sounds like such a sweetheart: vivacious, high-energy, and loving. I have no doubt he and Sammi would have thoroughly enjoyed romping together in a grassy yard. I totally understand how the home atmosphere is so different with his absence. I'm still getting used to it, as is my younger boy Moses, who's only ever known Sammi as a companion.

Take care of yourself today.
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Lfc7118

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Reply with quote  #26 
Gucci,
Well today was an epic fail for me. I attempted to get my decorations out of the building so I could decorate out my house for Christmas, but I wasn't able to accomplish that at all. I did manage to put away my fall decorations, but just the thought of bringing out the other decorations has left me in tears. I also carried one of his beds out to my car because I am giving it to a friend of mine for her cats because it kills me looking at it so empty in the corner where I kept it. Each step I take to move forward feels like 10 steps back because I break down in tears. I have never felt so much sadness in the life and I feel so broken. I just don't know how to move myself forward. My beautiful little girl Ruby continues to break my heart as she looks for him around the house. Her one true kitty friend and he is ripped from her and it hurts me to see this. I want to be able to decorate my house for Ruby, but I can't even get my decorations in the house to start. What a terrible rollercoaster of emotions I have going on right now.
Louetta
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Gucci

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Reply with quote  #27 
Louetta - My heart goes out to you. It's completely normal to feel like you're derailing. It must have been very painful for you to carry out your tasks today, as you couldn't help but think of Tomas.

And watching your Ruby look for him around the house must make things seem even heavier. My younger boy Mo goes outside more than he ever used to, and I wonder if he's looking for Sammi who could always be counted on to be outside somewhere.

This morning I met my best friend for our weekly Sat morning coffee, and I stopped at a lovely park as I was a little earlier than usual. It was brilliantly sunny, and there was a magical swirl of the finest snowflakes that looked like glinting diamond dust. I just started crying - all I could think was how much Sammi would have loved being outside on a day like this, and that his beautiful coat would have sparkled all over with the overlay of this powdery snow...

I stood outside for about 10 minutes, thinking of my dear Sam, watching all these tiny birds cheeping and chirping away, and flitting from tree to tree. It eased my heartache a little to see these amazing birds going about their business. I find that on weekends time hangs so much heavier, and it's harder to distract myself.

It's so awful to miss our beloved companions so much. Please be gentle with yourself; this is such a hard, steep path at the beginning, and your grief is a reflection of how much love you're capable of, and the depth of love you did lavish on Tomas. I know he had a wonderful life with you. 

Take good care of yourself...big hugs.
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Lfc7118

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Reply with quote  #28 
Gucci,
Thank you for all your kind words. They really do help me get through these hard days. I am so sorry that you have to go through the same pain I do wishing your baby was here with you. Every time I turn around I remember my boy and it makes it so hard to get through the day. Like going out into my building to get my decorations yesterday. Tomas used to come running as soon as I opened the door to the building because he thought he needed to explore the building from one end to the other when the doors were open even when it was full and he barely fit he would still try. He loved being outside all the time too. Snow is not something we get a lot of here, but he still went outside to see what it was even if he didn't stay long. I feel like the pain just keeps getting worse, and I just want it to lessen. It sucks spending all my time being so sad especially when I am in my own home. I live alone and work from home several days a week so being here is part of my regular routine, but now it kills me to be in my own home. I keep looking for him and wishing he would walk in the door especially since I never saw his body and I am taking the word of a stranger that saw what the cat looked like that was hit the day he went missing. I keep hoping this is all a nightmare and it will end soon, but I know it isn't because if it was he would have come home by now. He loved to eat and he would not have stayed away this long. Thank you for continuing to help me through this.
Hugs, Louetta
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Gucci

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Reply with quote  #29 
Louetta - Yes, this heartache can wear you down, which is why being able to connect with people on the forum is so important. I'm so glad you can share your feelings, and we can comfort one another in our grief.

The memories are everywhere, aren't they? I find myself incredibly restless, yet incapable of being distracted. I can only accept that this is what I'm feeling in the moment and not judge myself for it. We all wish there were a shortcut to getting past the early agony, but it's not the case. Only the support of those who know what this is like will make a difference.

I have no doubt Tomas has a wonderfully loving existence with you. His happiness and pleasure in interacting with you come through so clearly in your descriptions of his behaviour.

Wishing you moments of peace and tranquillity tonight.
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Lfc7118

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Reply with quote  #30 
Gucci,
Being in my own home is so hard these days. I continously look at the window or the door wondering if there is a chance he could walking in the door and that man was wrong when he said it was my baby that was killed by that car. I am constantly looking on sites to see if someone posts a picture of my boy. Not truly knowing makes it so hard. Today Ruby walked over to the corner where one of his beds was and sniffed around I think it was the first time she realized his bed was no longer there. It breaks my heart having an empty corner, but it hurts even more not being able to walk over to that corner to kiss him goodnight. I spend so much time crying I'm not sure how my eyes have anymore tears to give. I just wish the pain would ease because it is so hard to make it through the day. I try to smile and pretend like I am okay, but I'm not and I don't know when I will ever feel normal again. Thanks for listening.
Hugs, Louetta
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