Mackysmum
Hi my name's Allison im new on here thank god I found this forum.
I lost my soul mate macky on Thursday he was 15 and 5 months old , i should mention hes a dog .
I had to make the hardest decision of my life on Thursday morning to have my boy put to sleep , he couldn't walk one foot in front to go to the toilet to poo .
The vet recommender putting macky to sleep a week before but I didn't feel he was ready .

Macky was born with congenial hip dysiplaysa so he done very well to live such a long happy life , in the last 6 months he got worse with his walking , very stiff and trouble getting up without help sometimes .
He also didn't walk out normal daily bush walk , his cataracts got worse to , how ever he still enjoyed a small walk 3 times a day ☺.
The last month of his life he really went down hill , he wasn't wanting to walk as much and stopped getting up without me helping him .
Last week leading to him parting me he just got suddenly worse i had to carry him out side to go to the toilet which killed me inside .
On the day i made my mind up to have the vet come to my house to put my baby to sleep , it was so hard beyond hard it was surreal like it wasn't even really happening .
I stayed with my macky moo untill he took his last breath it was so hard to watch yet i stayed for him as he only trusted his mum 😓 .
It's been days now and I'm shocked still i miss him non stop so much it hurts me , i feel very detached from everything like nothings the same anymore .
I don't think this will ever get easier , he was my everything my best mate .
Yesterday I was so down i didn't want to live anymore is that normal ?
It's even harder for me then anyone in the family as i was mackys carer for the last 2 years and full time carer in his last 6 months i looked after him like my patient , now I feel completly lost as i have no place in this world after my boy leaving .
Will this pain get better and how long will it take , i want so bad to heal yet feel so guilty if I stopped feeling do bad like if I stop being so sad it must mean I never loved him like I thought i did .
I feel crazy .
I really need some comfort from people that understand how im feeling .
Thank you for reading
Ps sorry if my spelling is terrible
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Kittypiller
So sorry for your loss. Youve come to the right place everyone here is very understanding and caring. No youre not crazy everybody grives differently and you did what was best for macky. I had to put my 4 1/2 year old cat that I had raised from a newborn to sleep just before christmas and went through a lot of the same feelings youre having. Its really hard loosing your fur babies that you love so much. Know he is no longer in pain and knows how much you love him. Im here and so are a lot of other people who understand what youre going through anytime day or night


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CKMP
Macky's Mum,
I am so so sorry for your loss of your beautiful and brave boy Macky.  To lose your special companion is to lose a part of your self, your soul, and your heart.  Our special fur ones give us so much beyond that unconditional love and loyalty.  They provide a role for us - a purpose and often define who we are and how we understand the world we live in with them and because of them.  Your care and devotion to your boy is because of that deep love and connection between you and Macky - and he knew his mum loved him so and cared for him in every way possible.  You made the greatest sacrifice because of your love for him.  And, that decision is never easy.  This loss is so so 'fresh' for you - and it is a loss of so so much.  Right now, each day is just that, another day to walk through some how some way...You say 'nothing feels as if it is the same' - because it is not...you have lost a friend, a confidante, a family member - your special one.  Part of our grief hinges on 'what now' - 'who am I now' - and what is my purpose now' - it is a loss of routine, of comfort and security...Grief will take its own time, its own path and its own form - there will be days of 'two steps forward' and then 'three steps backward' - there will be hours/days of fog and hours/days of clarity - hours/days of ease and days of torment.  You must do what helps you - talking to Macky, honouring Macky, journalling to Macky - saying all those things you want him to hear because he will.  Your bond is forever, and he will never forsake his trusted and loved Mum.  Guilt will try and 'sneak' in and will try and stay far too long...One of the most difficult things I think I have learned since losing my girls with the help of so many kind people on this forum is that you can feel both sorrow, grief and happiness at the same time.  It is not a dishonouring of Macky and the love you have for him but rather it honors his life, his spirit and his impact on you, and on this world.  Every animal has a purpose, a role to play that is important not only when they 'choose' us but forever because they are part of us forever and with us forever.  To love such a special fur one leaves us with a bittersweet grief.  Grateful for their love, their friendship and also profound sorrow when they physically are no longer with us.  It is a heartbreak and ache that is always unexpected in its depth and intensity as we 'think we are prepared'...we never are.  I never believe that 'time heals all wounds' but rather believe time gives us the opportunity to learn how to live without our special one...learning doesn't come easy and we never completely lose a sense of that loss, that heartache.  We also never experience such unconditional love and acceptance as our fur ones provide.  Yes, we "feel crazy" - and feel as if nothing matters now...we are a bit 'crazy' I think - grief is not only emotional but also physical - our hearts and souls are 'broken' and they ache...at times stabbing and other times dull in intensity.  Macky's Mom - you have come to a place where there are so many kind and understanding people...come and share your grief and your Macky.  Do not travel this journey alone.  Take care -each hour of each day - one hour at a time...Wishing you warm thoughts.
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Mackysmum
Thank you very much for your comfort its so hard to absorb right now it just doesn't feel real at all .
I'm scared of these feelings I have never lost anything that I love so this is a first for me .
I'm finally eating small amounts and I sleept better last night , how ever all day / night i feel in agony feeling so odd and alone .
I take peice in knowing my boy is no longer in pain i hope to see him in time , the missing him is crushing me .
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RileysMom
Allison,

I am so sorry for your loss. How you are feeling is completely normal. Scientific studies in recent years have shown that humans release the same bonding hormones with their dogs as a new mother with her baby. Imagine how a mother would feel about losing her child! We would have much compassion for them. In many ways, this isn’t very different. We love them and bond with them very much, they are our best friends. Not to mention the fact that Macky has been a part of your life for over 15 years. Those are some good reasons to grieve. Give yourself some compassion during this time.

The fact that you’ve cared for him for so long and the fact that you’re here shows that you loved him very much. It only takes 21 days for a new habit to establish itself. But you’ve been caring for Macky for years. For years, he’s been a part of your daily life, your thoughts. So it will take time to deal with this. You will be okay. But time does have to pass. Grief does not make it easy for us. It is a journey, it is work, and these are emotions that insist on being felt. So don’t try to hold them back, don’t feel ridiculous. It’s normal to feel sad over losing someone we loved— there’s no shame or craziness in that.

Come on here and talk, post as much as you need to in order to work through this. There are many here going through these same feelings and relate in every way. We are here for you.

Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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Mackysmum
Thank you rileysmom
Everything you wrote is so true he was part of my life for 15 years and we had been though so much together. He also was my first dog so very special indeed .
I find my self so lost as he was part of my routine daily but in the last 6 months or more he needed extra care so i put of work to be with him , now hes gone our routine is done so I'm feeling as i have no idea what im supposed to do .
I take comfort in your words thank you so much
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Lamont
It sounds like Macky had a good long life with you. What a lucky guy, to have such a caring "mom" to be there even through some difficult times. 
I'll bet Macky knew how much you loved him, and gave you his heart, too.

Carry those sweet memories with you, and you will honor him, even years from now he'll be with you.
I think sometimes they are so much more than a pet, a cat, a bird, or dog. We bond with them and they become a part of who we are.

I send you my deepest sympathy, I know just how hard it is to lose a special friend, and it will take time to work through your grief. 

There are some really good, supportive people here, who, like me, know what it's like.

L
Bertie's Daddy
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SirRobyn0
Macky's mom that's how I was with my Lucy.  Though she had a drug resistant infection (UTI) that eventually spread despite our best efforts.  I was in your position a little over two years ago, and I laid on the floor with her in the vets office as she took her last breath.   In that moment there was no place else I would have been.  There for Lucy.  You did the right thing for Macky no mater how hard.  I won't say it's been easy, but it's become easier for me to remember the good times, rather than the last few months / weeks / end.  I keep her picture with me at all times.  

Take the time you need.  If taking sometime off work will help do it.  If taking a short relaxing trip will help do it.  If anyone doesn't understand don't make it your problem.  We all grieve a little differently, but remember to grieve the way you grieve and don't worry about the rest right now.

Take care we are here for you.
Lucy's dog Daddy forever.

It is better to have loved your fur baby, and lost him or her to the rainbow bridge than to have never loved at all, for we will meet again.


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sds
I am so very sorry for your loss.  These are especially hard times, the first few days/weeks.  You were very courageous to do the hardest but most loving thing anyone could do.   Please know that there are many here who share your grief, who care for you and we are wishing you peace and comfort.  Hang in there...
Sharon
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Mackysmum
Thank you so much for all your massages i really do appreciate it so very much.
I've decided i think I need to see a therapist , I'm just not handling this very well , i already suffer from ocd/ anxiety all my life so I'm not processing this at all .
I feel like I have nothing left like everything is wrong and bad , its worthless everything now since my special little man left my life , its like my soul died when he did .
I'm sorry for being like this on here i have no one to talk to im just feeling so alone in a world i have no idea about anymore .
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sds
No need to apologize.  We are all here for you.  I am so sorry for your pain.  It must be especially difficult with ocd/anxiety.  I'm glad to hear that you are seeking counseling.  That sounds very wise. 

I too felt like everything was worthless when my kitty died.  My husband and I felt like we couldn't go on without him.   I had poured all of my love and care into him, as though all of me went into him.  So when he died, it seemed like all of me died with him too.  I cried and cried.. set up a memorial "shrine" on the coffee table, I visit him often and talk with him.  I still cry every day.  I carry him around in my heart everywhere I go.  He loved being outside, so we "bring" him with us on walks.  We see him in the glimmer of ice crystals on the snow, in the beautiful blue sky and bare tree tops, in the sound of songbirds migrating north, the smell of soil under slushy snow.... He is inside us, he is part of us.  Macky will always be with you too.  

It's over 3 weeks for us and things are a little better.  But those early days were especially excruciating.  I hope you find comfort and healing through your therapist, friends, this forum.  I wish you peace and healing.  
Sharon
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Mackysmum
Thank you for your kind message , I'm so very sorry for your loss of your beautiful kitty its so hard to adjust isn't it .
I'm just at the stage were I can't comprehend that my boys gone forever that its final , that scares me to the core and I feel i cant bear the feelings that come after thinking about it being so final and forever .
In the last 2 years i spent my time looking after him more then usual and the last 6 months it was a full time job to be honest , now mackys gone that routine i had is gone so I'm feeling so lost .
It feels like a dream and not real at all , i want to move on so bad to stop this pain yet feel so guilty for wanting to , as if he never ment that much to me , so many mixed up thoughts and feelings it us very scary .
I'm glad your feeling a little better so it is true that it does get easier?
At the moment it feels like it will never ease up .
Thank you again for helping me during this horrible time
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sds
Dear Allison,
Yes it is incredibly hard to adjust and yes it does get better.  I think the "mixed up" feelings you are having are very normal.  Have you discovered similar themes among these posts? I found it very helpful to hear how how others are dealing with their losses.  Like others here, I too, have felt guilt, despair, desire for the pain to end-coupled with guilt, denial, fear, etc.  Early on, I worried I might forget him, but I think I was reacting to denial.  Over time, as I've come to accept (in small doses) that he's gone, I am more able to face the enormity of what happened and I find myself crying and grieving more.  But oddly, the grief I feel now is less sharp, confusing, overwhelming like I had in the beginning.  It now feels more pure, more connecting and healing.  It's hard to describe.  As I lean into the grief, and let the tears come whenever they come; I feel Scout's presence within me more and more, and I know that I can never forget him, that he is transformed into a new existence, that he has transformed me.  And I know that he would want me to continue to take care of myself/him by surviving, living, being sad-yes, but also being happy -- at least eventually.  I would bet that Macky would want you to be happy too 😉 

Here is a quote by Mother Theresa that helps me:  "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love"  I found it in a wonderful book called, Soul comfort for cat lovers: Coping wisdom for heart and soul after the loss of a beloved feline,  by Liz Eastwood.  I think there are similar books for dogs.   I  Another book that I really like is, The pet loss companion, by Dolan-Del Vecchio and Saxton-Lopez.  Here are some of the chapter title that address your questons:  Is my grief normal?  How will I get through this? 

The people on this forum are so kind and caring.  I hope you'll continue to get the support you need during this terrible time.  Feel free to write anytime.  Surely as much as you cared for and loved Macky during his time of need, he would want the same for you.  Hugs to you.  

Sharon
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MissingScooty
Allison,
I am so so sorry for the lost of what is really your best friend. We here all understand. Please hang in there. Yes, it is so normal not to want to go on, to feel as if you don't want to live anymore. I asked a friend "How do I live without Scooter? I don't think I can do it" She said "Yes, you can, One minute, one moment, one step at a time, then one day at a time."   It is scary and overwhelming to think of living without our pets for the rest of our lives. So just go a minute, then the next, then the next. We are all here for you.
Missing and loving Scooter Forever
- Melissa
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KahluaHendrix
Dear Macky's Mum,
Your post brought tears to my eyes.  I am so sorry for your loss of sweet Macky.  I can just tell by your message that you were a devoted and loving mum. What a wonderful life Macky
had.  he was well cared for and loved so much.

My dog, Kahlua, a darling Lhasa Apso, was fifteen and a half when he died, just five weeks ago.  This forum really helped me with my grief.  Everything that you are feeling is normal.  You are heartbroken and the sense of loss is just very hard.  I know....I had the same feelings.  I cried a lot, and still do.  I thought I was not normal with all of my sadness and despondency, but I found out, through the forum, that everything that I was feeling, was indeed normal and the road that we must all travel to get through this grief.  Things will get better for you, but it will take some time. 

I spent the first four weeks just looking at videos and pictures of Kahlua and remembering all of our great times together.  That, of course, made me cry even more, but that was okay.

Your Macky crossed the Rainbow Bridge and is now free from pain.  He will always be looking after you and will love you......even after you may get another loyal companion.

I read at least ten books in the last four, or five weeks....maybe more.  The books helped me get lost in other people's lives and helped me get through the pain.  You might try that. If you want some of my favorite authors, just let me know.

I got very busy and walked.  I tried not to go where Kahlua and I walked, because that would make me cry.  I tried other places.

It will get better, but it takes time. You will always remember wonderful Macky, as you should. I am not getting another dog at this time, but lots of people are helped with their grief, with adopting another dog, who needs a loving home.

Take care of yourself.
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