GreenAmy

Hello everyone,

I'm new I'm new here and in pieces over the loss of my cat Veronica.  She died several years ago and the exact date I'm not sure because of how it happened.

I'm 41 now and had Veronica since a tiny kitten when I was 16.  I was very Catholic back then and named her after St Veronica.  She was born in a bin in the back yard of our house to a ferrel cat. She was one of three and we found homes for the others but kept her as she was the most nervous.

Her name became kind of joke as everyone thought it was posh so she became 'posh' and I called her my posh little girl. She lived up to this name as she used to stick her nose in the air.

When she was about 6 months old she went missing one day and I was afraid she's gone for good but she came back - pregnant. She had two kittens of her own whom we then found homes for.

When I was 23 I went to the U.S (I'm from the UK) on a coach tour for three weeks and missed Veronica more than I missed anyone.  She had such weird, funny little ways about her. She couldn't meow and instead made an 'ah,ah' sound from the back of her throat.  She also used to make a 'brrp' sound. Sometimes she used to climb up onto a corner cabinet which had a statue of the sacred heart on it and lick it.  It was a mad house.  The only way my mother and grandmother (the three of us lived together my dad left me when I was 15). could bring her down is my singing.  She hated the sound of women singing.  I think, to her, it sounded like they were crying.  If I ever did cry she's 'brrp' and reach up and pat me with one of her front paws until I stopped.  Another thing she did was play 'peek-a-boo'.  If you hid around a corner or behind a door so she couldn't see you then peep around the door and say peek-a-boo she say 'brrp'.  I could keep doing that for ages.

My mother had Narcissistic Personality Disorder and when my grandmother died she turned all her anger towards me.  I left home at the ripe old age of 25 and didn't take Veronica with me as we weren’t allowed pets in the place I moved to.  I used to visit my mother and Veronica.  My mother also had four other cats.  She fed them and looked after them in spite of everything but later took up with a nasty piece of work of a man who forced her to sell the house and move in with him giving him all the money, get rid of the cats (one was found a new home, two were put to sleep because he wouldn’t have more than one cat) so she was left with just Veronica she was my cat.  

 

When my mother passed away suddenly my first thought was ‘stuff the rules of this place not having animas I have to get her from that man's house’ as he had mistreated her in the past and I was afraid he’d put her to sleep as well.

 

I’m not sure how what followed happened but I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (much worse now than it was then) and  when I had Veronica at home felt I couldn’t cope so a neighbour took care of her for a while until I could find a bigger flat and take  her with me.  I bought all her food, visited her nearly ever day and cleaned up her litter tray.  I also took her to the vet a couple of times when she had infections.  Whenever I walked through my neighbour’s door Veronica would jump up to greet me ‘brrp-ing’ as she did so.

 

My looking for a new place was harder than I thought and my neighbour started to put pressure on me to find someone else.  I was pulling out all the stops but no-one would help me – none of my friends and not a single member of my family.  The search started to make me ill but the more time went on the more my neighbour kept pressuring me.  Finally I found a lady whom I’d never met who fostered cats and I called her up and she came around.  When she was sitting my living room drinking tea I had a bad feeling about her and felt it was wrong for Veronica to stay with her but my neighbour had put such an enormous amount of pressure eon me (now expecting me to pull someone out of thin air) I felt I had no choice. Veronica therefore went away with her and I kept in touch to see how she was. 

 

Shortly afterwards I had a sudden death in the family and my flat became infested with mould mites.  I was distracted and didn’t call up this lady to find out how Veronica was doing for a few weeks.  I then got a text message out of the blue from her one day which read: ’Just top let you know, I’ve had Veronica put to sleep’.  I was so angry and devasted I couldn’t respond to her.  I can’t remember which year this was but somewhere between 2008-9 I think.  I stuffed down all my grief and got on with life.  A month or so ago all these memories came folling back and the grief that I had stuffed down came to the surface and it was more intense than ever before.  I am a Celtic Pagan and since then have been praying every night for the Goddess to bring Veronica back to me.  I am devasted and broken hearted.  No one fully understands how I can be this grief stricken over a ‘mere’ cat and a cat who died years ago to boot.  Veronica was my little girl.  I always felt like she was my daughter not a cat as I’ve never had children.  This might sound odd to some people but I am hoping you will understand.  I haven’t been functioning properly these past few days and really need support.  I feel to blame also for what happened as I didn’t listen to my instics about that woman being wrong.  My mission was to save Veronica from being put to sleep by my ex step father and instead she was put top selep by someone else.

 

 I failed her.  I remember when I first got her home she settled in straight away, didn’t hide like cats usually do in a new environment and I remember a particular spot on the rug in my living room where she curled up.  My darling little girl has gone.  I feel like it as because I didn’t deserve her.  I miss her so much and wish I could turn back time to put things right. 

Thanks in advance for your support.

 

Please excuse any typos or spelling errors.  I’m dyslexic.

I love you Veronica, mummy's little posh girl, now and forever.
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Bailey15
It sounds like you have had so much to deal with over the years. I'm so sorry you lost Veronica - especially under such terrible circumstances! Try to remember you were doing the very best that you could. You did get her away from that awful man who had mistreated her (after your mom passed)
My thought is that you never really had a chance to mourn Veronica or come to terms with everything that happened - so much of it being beyond your control so you are still grieving your lost little sweetie. I am shocked that a woman who boards cats would have her put to sleep without telling you. Terrible! It's no wonder you were/are so devastated. I am so sorry for your loss. I know what it's like to feel as though your pet is really more like a child. I would say to ignore people who say she was a mere cat - they just don't understand. It may be that you've come to a place in your life where you finally need to accept Veronica's loss and that is so very difficult. Maybe you couod talk to your doctor letting them know how difficult it has become for you to cope. I hope you are able to find some peace. You've had a very difficult time. Please post an update on how you are doing. Sending hugs,
MJ
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Mistysmama
Oh dear sweetheart, I am so sorry for all you have gone through. Whatever the awful ups and downs little Veronica made a timeless heartfelt bond with you, knew that you loved her, and still loves you now. They don't judge us. They accept the things in their lives, but when there is a bond of love it is NEVER forgotten!

Of course you deserve her. She is your little loved one.

If you have now become a Celtic Pagan, you should know that the Spirit World is a very very real place. If you go into the cornerstones of your religion you will find there is a lot of help for those here from the Spirit World.
I am basically a Christian, but my own dog showed me that she still lives and still loves. My loving Jesus knows that too!

But always hold the innocent love you have for Veronica as a guideline to make sure you always stay in the true light of the "Other Side" and nothing else.

Please don't put yourself down for not giving Veronica a more perfect life. There isn't anyone who has a perfect life. For every one of us there are things that don't work, things that go wrong, things that could have been....and there is always the passing-on of loved ones.

However, our dear ones most certainly are in a lovely and peaceful place where the energy of love is very strong, and they look back upon their recent Earth life and remember their own dear ones. And when the time comes for us to also pass we will be with them.
They love us still. I am hoping one day you may sense a "visit" from your little girl, to show you how well she is now.
Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
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TashasDad
GreenAmy,

You lived through SO MUCH back then. So much was going on for you. Way TOO MUCH. 

You loved Veronica, and you did many loving things to help her and to protect her. For a long time you did. And you helped Veronica greatly in her life. Due to your extraordinary efforts to help her and love her. 

But MUCH of what you wrote of was OUT OF YOUR CONTROL.

I feel strongly you cannot blame yourself in any way.  

You are not superhuman.  All knowing. With the ability to see the future perfectly. 

Do DID THE BEST YOU COULD DO.  With the pressures and realities you had to deal with and confront.

You did not fail Veronica. Someone else did!!!  Not you!!!   

Please, please, please forgive yourself.  Find peace with yourself.  You are a wonderful loving person who loved and did many wonderful things for Veronica. 

TashasDad
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GreenAmy
Thank you all for you kind, thoughtful replies.  Please excuse my delay in responding I was just taking stock of everything.  I hope you all had a 'bearable' Christmas.  I know how hard it is to go through things like that without your fury/feathered/scaly babies.  I imagined myself buying a ton of stuff for my Veronica including a very 'posh' pink, diamanté collar and a pink, lacy bed.  I imagine buying her a card also with 'to a special daughter' on it.

I am starting to forgive myself I think for what was predominately out of my control but I knew that foster woman was no good I sensed it.  I had my chance to keep Veronica safe then and I don't know why I didn't just have her here.  I was so pressured though by everyone and under so much stress.

I keep thinking I'm having 'signs' off Veronica as I'm seeing pictures of similar looking cats everywhere.  I still talk to her in anticipation of hearing a reply and am planning to set up a memorial table for her...a very 'posh' one.  I've been trying to find her photographs but it seems the house de-clutters put them away a few years ago.  I have, however, found a picture online of a cat that looks very much like her.  The only difference is Veronica was more brown-toned and this cat is more grey.

I do hope that rainbow bridge does really exist so I will see her again.  I wonder if she misses me.  I wonder if she's angry with me.

Here is the link to the picture of the cat:

https://media.buzzle.com/media/images-en/gallery/mammals/cats/1200-158482906-white-grey-cat.jpg




I love you Veronica, mummy's little posh girl, now and forever.
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PeppermintPatty
Your instincts were correct about that woman. What a horrible thing to do. There are no other words to say than I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
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