I'm new I'm new here and in pieces over the loss of my cat Veronica. She died several years ago and the exact date I'm not sure because of how it happened.
I'm 41 now and had Veronica since a tiny kitten when I was 16. I was very Catholic back then and named her after St Veronica. She was born in a bin in the back yard of our house to a ferrel cat. She was one of three and we found homes for the others but kept her as she was the most nervous.
Her name became kind of joke as everyone thought it was posh so she became 'posh' and I called her my posh little girl. She lived up to this name as she used to stick her nose in the air.
When she was about 6 months old she went missing one day and I was afraid she's gone for good but she came back - pregnant. She had two kittens of her own whom we then found homes for.
When I was 23 I went to the U.S (I'm from the UK) on a coach tour for three weeks and missed Veronica more than I missed anyone. She had such weird, funny little ways about her. She couldn't meow and instead made an 'ah,ah' sound from the back of her throat. She also used to make a 'brrp' sound. Sometimes she used to climb up onto a corner cabinet which had a statue of the sacred heart on it and lick it. It was a mad house. The only way my mother and grandmother (the three of us lived together my dad left me when I was 15). could bring her down is my singing. She hated the sound of women singing. I think, to her, it sounded like they were crying. If I ever did cry she's 'brrp' and reach up and pat me with one of her front paws until I stopped. Another thing she did was play 'peek-a-boo'. If you hid around a corner or behind a door so she couldn't see you then peep around the door and say peek-a-boo she say 'brrp'. I could keep doing that for ages.
My mother had Narcissistic Personality Disorder and when my grandmother died she turned all her anger towards me. I left home at the ripe old age of 25 and didn't take Veronica with me as we weren’t allowed pets in the place I moved to. I used to visit my mother and Veronica. My mother also had four other cats. She fed them and looked after them in spite of everything but later took up with a nasty piece of work of a man who forced her to sell the house and move in with him giving him all the money, get rid of the cats (one was found a new home, two were put to sleep because he wouldn’t have more than one cat) so she was left with just Veronica she was my cat.
When my mother passed away suddenly my first thought was ‘stuff the rules of this place not having animas I have to get her from that man's house’ as he had mistreated her in the past and I was afraid he’d put her to sleep as well.
I’m not sure how what followed happened but I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (much worse now than it was then) and when I had Veronica at home felt I couldn’t cope so a neighbour took care of her for a while until I could find a bigger flat and take her with me. I bought all her food, visited her nearly ever day and cleaned up her litter tray. I also took her to the vet a couple of times when she had infections. Whenever I walked through my neighbour’s door Veronica would jump up to greet me ‘brrp-ing’ as she did so.
My looking for a new place was harder than I thought and my neighbour started to put pressure on me to find someone else. I was pulling out all the stops but no-one would help me – none of my friends and not a single member of my family. The search started to make me ill but the more time went on the more my neighbour kept pressuring me. Finally I found a lady whom I’d never met who fostered cats and I called her up and she came around. When she was sitting my living room drinking tea I had a bad feeling about her and felt it was wrong for Veronica to stay with her but my neighbour had put such an enormous amount of pressure eon me (now expecting me to pull someone out of thin air) I felt I had no choice. Veronica therefore went away with her and I kept in touch to see how she was.
Shortly afterwards I had a sudden death in the family and my flat became infested with mould mites. I was distracted and didn’t call up this lady to find out how Veronica was doing for a few weeks. I then got a text message out of the blue from her one day which read: ’Just top let you know, I’ve had Veronica put to sleep’. I was so angry and devasted I couldn’t respond to her. I can’t remember which year this was but somewhere between 2008-9 I think. I stuffed down all my grief and got on with life. A month or so ago all these memories came folling back and the grief that I had stuffed down came to the surface and it was more intense than ever before. I am a Celtic Pagan and since then have been praying every night for the Goddess to bring Veronica back to me. I am devasted and broken hearted. No one fully understands how I can be this grief stricken over a ‘mere’ cat and a cat who died years ago to boot. Veronica was my little girl. I always felt like she was my daughter not a cat as I’ve never had children. This might sound odd to some people but I am hoping you will understand. I haven’t been functioning properly these past few days and really need support. I feel to blame also for what happened as I didn’t listen to my instics about that woman being wrong. My mission was to save Veronica from being put to sleep by my ex step father and instead she was put top selep by someone else.
I failed her. I remember when I first got her home she settled in straight away, didn’t hide like cats usually do in a new environment and I remember a particular spot on the rug in my living room where she curled up. My darling little girl has gone. I feel like it as because I didn’t deserve her. I miss her so much and wish I could turn back time to put things right.
Thanks in advance for your support.
Please excuse any typos or spelling errors. I’m dyslexic.
I love you Veronica, mummy's little posh girl, now and forever.