You are right.
This Christmas, the new year's eve, and the new year were very difficult.
It was the first time to have to spend these days without Juni.
I cooked turkey and baked cake and pie. And I laughed.
But it wasn't real. I wasn't celebrating anything because I was hurting inside missing Juni. I talked to him all the time and cried everyday while nobody was around.

Then one day I looked at my face. My face had changed. I had grown 10 years older after Juni passed away on September 29 last year. I wasn't well.
I guess my survival instinct was activated.
I sealed my emotions and locked them away.

But today I happened to hear the music I used to play when I spent time thinking about Juni. The song is about appreciation and love for your companion that has been sole comfort. It hit me. I was thrown back to where I was three months ago. My body started shaking, tears ran down my face uncontrollably, and I couldn't breath.
I saw very vividly Juni's last hours of his life through his last breath flashing in front of me.
I felt as if massive wave had gone over me.

I realize now that I just couldn't take the pain anymore at some point, so I tried to hide from it.
It is truly powerful to see how much I have loved Juni and how much he has meant to me.
It is the true love that I feel with him.

You are right.
The third month was tough.
I know you are right that six month will still be tough, one year later and it will go on.
Getting over Juni is never gonna happen because I will always love him.
He was my life.
And he will always be part of me.

Longing, guilt, emptiness, pain....I will carry them all with me.
I have no choice because love comes with them.
It is a trade off to the joy I had with Juni for 17 years.

I love you, Juni for the rest of my life.
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Every thought you wrote is what I am feeling now. I have lost fur babies in the past. This time is different. I mean, really different.

I look in the mirror and I don't even recognize myself anymore. Working from home has made it difficult because it took them being gone to realize how much a part of me and my day they enhanced.

I don't even want to count the time. It's all just a blur. I go with the flow and luckily I can. But I find myself keeping really different hours. When I can't sleep, I work. When I can't work, I sleep. I have isolated because nobody understands this. I feel okay with this decision because I do believe that time will heal. But it's only been 16 days since my last goodbye, so I am allowing myself to grieve at my own pace.

Thank you for your honest post. I have been hanging around here because I am so desperate to know that I am not going crazy. There have been too many changes in 2017, and now my kitties, who were always my joy, my refuge, my life, are gone. I have one left, and I feel bad. She is doing fine, but she must sense that I am really a complete and utter mess.

RIP little Juni. I hope he met up with Emilee and Lara. Angels forever in our hearts.

Take care.  
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Juni I can so relate, your words had me in tears.  PeppermintPatty,  I know exactly what I mean, although I have only had one other dog that was 'mine' the other dog was a family dog which was different.  My Jasmine like Ava was diagnosed with cancer, however she had mammery gland cancer and lived with it for 2 years before it finally took her, I don't remember being as upset by her diagnosis as I am with Ava's yet I loved her just as deeply, I think the difference this time is I know how deeply the wound will be when she's gone.  I truly didn't have any idea of the overwhelming devastation I would end up feeling when Jasmine died and yet there it was when she died.  I think that's why Ava's diagnosis has hit me so hard because I know what is coming after having experienced it before, I didn't think I would ever love another dog as much as Jasmine but I love Ava I would say more, but I don't think that's the case when I like about Jasmine she still brings tears to my eyes after all this time and I remember how utterly bereft I was when she left.  I think I'm just more aware of the avalance of pain and the whole that they leave when they go now.

Thinking of you both and hope we can all get through this and open our hearts again in time xx
Avabears mummy

'It came to me that every time I lose a dog they take a piece of my heart with them, and every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of their heart. If I live long enough all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are.' Anon


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What a wonderful post! You put into words what I haven't been able to. 

It is our survival instinct, I think!  After Poopy passed four months ago, I went through what I guess might be considered a "normal" grieving process. (Though after spending time reading posts at Rainbow Bridge, I've come to see that "normal" encompasses a wide range) An initial period of intense grief, which gradually lessened in frequency and intensity over the months, with no real conscious effort on my part involved. I guess Mother Nature knows that, by and large, we're not really built for enduring continual pain, and provides a recovery mechanism for us humans. 

Though I still feel sadness and grief at her absence, I'm so happy we were family for so long. She was a great cat. I can visit her memorial here and look at her pictures and read her story. I can always picture her doing her thing. I will love her always. 

I wish you all the best in dealing with your loss. There's always help here. And I truly can't thank you enough for what you wrote. 

B Weinstein
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