BeeAndBear
I’m returning to this forum after almost six years. I don’t even remember what my user name was, but I had lost my sweet little pup, Koji, on November 17, 2013. I’m remembering how much this forum helped me and just how much I cried, every night, for months, as I read, responded and posted here. My heart learned to heal some of the deepest pains I had ever experienced, and I’m realizing I need to grieve again.

We put our baby girl, Kocoa, down on April 12th this year. I wail when I think about her and her last day with us. Koji had left us in his sleep, and sometimes I think the shock numbed the pain. Making the decision to let Kocoa go, and going through with it, was a whole other level of pain I had no idea I could ever feel. She was a cavalier, and it was no surprise that her heart ended up failing. I held her next to me, with my hand near her heart, and felt its beat slowly fade to one last time. The vet wrapped her up and told me, “She’s going to feel different when you pick her up.” She was so limp, and I carried her out the the vet’s car.

The day before the appointment, I took the day off and took her to her favorite places. She wasn’t interested and just wanted to be held. She was my husband’s dog. We met when she was two. But she became my dog. I had no idea a dog could be so sweet, so patient, and so caring. We had kids during her prime. We were tired and overwhelmed, and didn’t always care for her the way she deserved. She didn’t care, as long as she could be near us.

These are some of the most vivid memories that are causing the deepest pain right now. I miss her so much. I miss Koji so much. We got a new puppy and I keep calling her the wrong name. There are mannerisms in the new pup that make me want to believe it’s her. There’s a neighborhood cat (who I think is my spirit animal) that I keep wondering is her. As I’m sure everyone knows the feeling, I just want my doggies back.
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BoxerMomForever
So sorry to hear about your recent loss. I joined this great forum to help me. It’s only been a month since our girl passed and still hurt pretty bad. I’m happy to hear you got a new puppy. It is hard to not call them the previous dogs name. I want to get another dog down the road, but hubby does not which makes me soooo sad.
Linda *Mom to two boxer angels* Lily {White Girl} 6/22/09 - 10/14/19  ** Ginger {Flashy Fawn Girl} 6/4/97 - 5/28/09
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BeeAndBear
Thanks for your reply, BoxerMom. It’s so helpful to know others understand this level of grief, and I feel lucky to interact with them. Our new pup is from a shelter, and I believe all shelter animals should have a forever home, so it wasn’t a hard decision. But sometimes I think I was subconsciously trying to bring my dogs back to life. I really miss the sounds of their feet on the hardwood and the sighs they let out when they sleep. I hope you eventually find peace, and perhaps, a new doggie.
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BoxerMomForever
Thank you so much!
Linda *Mom to two boxer angels* Lily {White Girl} 6/22/09 - 10/14/19  ** Ginger {Flashy Fawn Girl} 6/4/97 - 5/28/09
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Zeke1_
So sorry to read of Koji and Kocoa loss. Your new rescue and the feelings you speak of are familiar to me. Today is exactly five months since my precious Zeke died. I cry every day even while I have a new rescue named Bravo. He is a sweet dog and loves me and I am starting to open my heart to him — but he ain’t no Zeke. Even thoughI call him that sometimes. I know in time I will love him back as much as he loves me but even though he makes me laugh I always return to my sadness. I am sorry you are going through the pain again but glad you have a new pup - and wish boxer mom gets one soon also. I know Zeke as would your Kocoa want us to help another rescue and in time rescue us from the constant sadness.
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