Whathappenedq
This day changed me. I need help getting back to life. My life has been scarred by what happened. I went to several grief counselors. Tried a few when no one knew what to say. They were nice and all. But am not sure why the help was not there maybe they did not k ow what to say. Other than they were sorry for my loss since i was clearly heartbroken.

This is about the loss, yes. But what happened the day of the loss.

My girl was on chemotherapy. She was on it daily for 6 months. I gave it to her at home. She started to grow tired of it and was refusing to take it. She was a small delicate cat. All black. My little gem. When she was a kitten I put long sleeve infant undershirts on her to keep her warm. She was fragile as she was very sick in the shelter I adopted her from and no one was taking care of her. She was in a vet office Les than 24 hours after adopting her due to signs of illness. And it took 6 more vets before I found out what was wrong with her. She recovered but our first days, weeks and months together were of me medicating her around the clock. Including eye drops from a vet opthalmologist who told me they burned when given. Life did pick up though. And it was a good one. It was a lot of fun. I adored her. We were a great match. She was funny. And was a cat who talked and even said human words "yes" "no".

When she turned 13 she was throwing up out of the blue. Everything in her would come out during an episode. I took her to a vet. From there a specialist. She had eloratory surgery and cancer was suspected. She went on chemotherapy. Intestinal lymphoma.

6 months after being on it she stopped eating and drinking. I had no money to take her to an emergency vet. I called ahead and I was going to need money for more than just the office visit fee. This was on the weekend. Monday morning I took her to the vet office where she was getting the chemo. The vet giving it to her was in surgery that day. Another vet we has never seen saw us. He was very abrupt with us. She passed out while being weighed in the examination room and was put in an oxygen cage. A short while..maybe 10 minutes the vet seeing us came to me and said " it does not look good*.

I went into shock. He gave no medical exp!anation when I asked him to explain what was going on. All he said was she was on oxygen but having a hard time. Because of that,what I just told you what he said..he said euthanasia. He was very cold. This was my daughter. We had a life, a relationship and a history together. She has sisters wiaiting for her at home. In a daze I begged him to try something. Not just euthnaize. He said there was nothing he could do. I was astounded. "nothing" to even try. Again, he was not giving me any medical explanations as to what was happening. No medical terminology. No talking from him at all. In a panic I agree to the euthanasia but without knowing medically why. The only thing he offers up was she was having a hard to e breathing while on oxygen. But nothing as to why that might be. I asked Him to take an extra. He did and got all stupid on me when he said he could not read the exray. He thought he saw fluid in the chest but was not sure. Maybe the cancer had spread but he could not tell. Again he said he could not do anything. I wanted to leave with her to get a second opinion but his opinion was she would not survive a drive to another place. I agreed to the euthanasia. I though I would say goodbye to her as I held her during it. Something he said I could do. I made sure to ask him to give her two injections. One to relax
Her first. He said he would. He went and got her and brought her into the room wrapped like a bunting but nothing of her was showing. None of her head or anything else. It was all just blanket. He put the blanket on the exam table and said nothing to me. I was wondering what he was doing. why wasn't I holding her. I figured that was coming. Instead he immediately reached Into the blanket and pulled out one of her paws. Just a law is all I saw. Alone and afraid I stood there stareing at what was in front of me but screaming in my mind "what is going on". I was too terrified to talk. I was on remote control almost. He put a needle in her paw. Before it reached I wanted to ask him what he was doing..that this was not supposed to be happening this way but I couldn't talk.he was scaring me. I became afraid of him. He was taking charge but this is not what I wanted. I wanted to hold her. She screamed when he injected he paw. She then jumped out of the blanket (my first time seeing her face since she had been brought back for oxygen when she passed out in the exam room. She was alive! Why was I allowing her to be euthanized? He said she was on oxygen but not doing good. She was passed out when she was brought to the oxygen but now she was standing up and conscious. Didn't this mean she wanted to live? I grabbed her from falling into the floor. The vet quickly injected her wit something that killed her right on the spot in front of me. She had been struggling to get away but I tightly held her very strong little body as she fought to get away. I used my muscles to keep he still to be killed. But why? Why was I doing this? I talked to her to calm her down and I felt her body relax. I can't get that out of my mind. Feeling her body relax when I started to talk to her. But then she was dead. He has injected her wit something. She did not get a relaxant first as promised. She was n
Being restrained by me! Her mommy! It was just her, me and the vet. I never said goodbye. How can I go on and live the rest of my life and be happy after this? I told the vet after time passed that I wanted a refund for every penny I spent there for anything! His office was not going to profit from our family after this. I got all the money back including from the surgery. I had to sign legal papers agreeing not to sue for emotional distress and I had to agree not to report him to the lisencing board. At the time I agreed because all I could think this k about was I did not want him to be paid for anything to do with my girl because he was a monster. Now I wish I had not signed those papers. But then all I could think of was " he does not deserve aa penny for this".'I eventually called him back ( he owns the place...one of a few vet offices in Liverpool, new York) as I wanted answers. But through his office manager he said he would not now or ever talk to me or anyone about it. Even if I were to have another vet call to get medical answers. I feel sad my baby had to die li!e this. No softness going on. No love oe tenderness. Her who!e life she was loved and respected. She had a face, eyes, a smile, she could talk. She had sisters who she loved and who adored her. She was a real person.how can I ever be happy again? This anger and hate and sadness is too much. My girl was the baby of the family. I regret not being more assertive. I have been more assertive when I have had the oil in my car changed!why did I let this vet who had never met my girl before do this? What was wrong with me? Quotes from religious books do not help. I betrayed my daughter and there is no way to make it up to her. I should have fought harder for her honor and I didn't. I let a stranger do this and while I helped since I did not give directions when he started to euthanize her nor did I say anything. Why did I have to be in some kind of daze? It did not help my daughter at all. When she was struggling to get away and I used muscle to restrain her. Why did not I ask " why is this happening? She is Alive. She has come out of her fainting spell". And she started to relax when I talked to her while restraint her. I was restraint her to kill her. What a betrayal. She trusted me. She trusted my voice. I cannot live with this guilt. P!ease help.

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justanotherbrick
This is absolutely terrible. I do want to share my opinion on this "daze" you're confused about being in.

My baby Ginger was also on oxygen during her last day. Her passing was also very sudden. Two days before she was playing with me and my sister, one day before she was really tried, then the last day she fell trying to go to the bathroom. When we first arrived at the vet, we were told she had pneumonia, she will make a full recovery.even though she'd make a full recovery, I wanted to come back to be with her, just in case. So I took my sister home, then the doctor informed me that the specialist found another problem, and it does not look good. She had a tumor in her heart, and she may not have even lived another day.

When I was told this information, I couldn't breath. From that moment on, it was all a blurry daze that I was in. When I saw her in the oxygen tank, she was just fine. I knew there were options other than euthanasia too. For some reason though, whatever the vet said, I wanted to fully trust. She said the best would be euthanasia for my girl. Deep down I knew she looked great and healthy in the oxygen tank, but I also didn't want to be the reason for trying to help her, then her not having a peaceful last breath. I held my baby while they gave her the shot too. I tried to be calm and talk to my baby so she wasn't scared, when deep down I was screaming and wanting to tell them nevermind about the shot.

I am so, so sorry to hear about your loss. I feel like the grief counclers and the doctor were not there for you, or doing their jobs right for you. So far, my only solution has been this forum. Please post on here as much as possible... about absolutely everything you're feeling. I've done this, and at times I feel so much better. Right now I'm having a hard time, but for two days a week ago, I actually felt at peace again. It all rushes back without warning though, but I'm still thankful for those couple of days.

I also want to let you know, I would have done the same in your situation, feeling the way I did during my baby's last day. Thankfully my vet wasn't a crazy psycho monster like yours was, but if she was, I would have reacted the same way. You said you gave nothing but live and respect to your cat her whole life. Remember that, because that's the part that matters. See even though I was there as much as I could have my Ginger's last day, I didn't take her for nearly as many walks as I should have her last year. She'd always ask me but I was tired, or didn't have makeup on and didn't want a neighbor to see me... I'm so guilty for this, and I feel like that's what matters the most. So please be happy for being a wonderful parent.

I hope this helps, please post on here as much as you want.

You'll be in my prayers tonight
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jimster
Dear whathappenedq: I'm so very sorry to have learned about your horrible ordeal. What a pathetic excuse for a vet. But I think you need to remember that you were not in in the best mental or emotional state (to say the least) while this was going on, and should try to forgive yourself. You were victimized and under those circumstances I can't honestly say that I would have acted differently. I can tell by your words that you had a deep love for your pet and gave it a wonderful home. Not many animals ever experience such care and so many are neglected and/or abused. Last month I lost my beloved dog that I had for more than 17 years and even though I'm a big strong man I still tear up occasionally. I like to think that dogs and cats help to make this world a little more tolerable. Like I stated, I really hope that you can find a way to forgive yourself because you don't deserve to feel a need to take any responsibility for what this sociopath did. And by the same token, even though this may seem out of the question, you should seriously consider forgiving that vet. The reason I am saying this is that for you to continue hating him will only keep doing more harm to you. And a good person like you deserves much better. I used to have a hard time understanding how the friends and families of murder victims were able to forgive the monster responsible, but I finally came to realize that forgiveness is something that you do for yourself in order to move on. Hatred and animosity are like an acid that does more damage to the container it's kept in than anything else. I wish you peace.
Jimster



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Whathappenedq
Thank you Jimster




And Ginger's mom (just another brick). Ginger's mom, thank you for discussing the "daze". I was truly in some altered state of reality. You have been through a lot. I will be thinking of you during the days and weeks ahead. Thank you for sharing and for offering to pray. Jim,
I do not know how to forgive the vet. I wanted to meet with him in person to have a few minutes where I could tell him that I want to forgive him but he would not talk to me and had his office manager tell me that. I was crushed. I am sorry for both of your losses my heart sends love. Thanks for your replies.
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vivianl
dear whathappenedq,

i am so sorry to hear about your story. the vet is absolutely ridiculous ! 
please don't blame yourself for this, losing a pet is already heart-broken enough

take care
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