Nancyj


My lovely boy who was the love of my life whom I had for 8 years is gone.  I said good bye to him yesterday morning and this is my first full day without him.  My life revolved around that cat for the entire time I had him.  He really ruled the house.  I have another cat, Lupita, and she and Tim never got along.  Tim was my lover boy.  So sweet with me, and so terrible with her, I had to keep them separated.  But I would do it again if I could, I'd do anything to just hold him in my arms again.  He and I were so connected.  Lupita is independent cat, but Tim was mom's baby.  We only had eyes for each other.

In early November he caught a mouse in the house and he ate it.  Threw up the head.  Not only was I grossed out, but shocked to find out I had mice in the house.  I quickly found the entrances in the basement and sealed them shut.  But...Timmer's stool changed and everyone told me Oh, that's what cat's do, his body is reacting to the mouse.  Well, it sure was.  He was never the same again. I had blood work done, stool samples.  His stool became loose and bloody.  We tested for all kinds of diseases.  Things were never the same.  He became severely constipated and on Christmas eve I ran him up to the ER.  Long story short, a few days later I had him sedated and the stool worked out of him.  Then, he saw a GI specialist who did a colonoscopy and ultrasound and determined he had IBD.  We had him on high doses of prednisolone and started him on chemotherapy.  She told me be patient, the chemo can take 2 months to work.  We didn't have two months.  His body wasn't responding.  I saw him straining in the litter box and saw him walking around the house trying to push stool out.  Little pieces would come out.  But he was eating and drinking like mad.  Then I found out it was from the prednisone.  Thursday of this past week  I came home from work and he had been sick all over the house.  I knew it was time. I didn't want him to go through more tests, more enemas, and not one more day here at home without me, sick, scared, in pain and alone.   I think he knew.  When he got sick he started sleeping in bed with me up by my pillow, resting his paws or head on my head.  He wanted to be comforted by me.

I have to of course wonder...should I have let the vet give him one more enema and worked that stool out, just to see?  It doesn't matter anymore.  Even our wonderful vet said "Nancy I gotta believe something else was going on with him, like cancer.  He should have responded to the medications but he didn't.  You are doing the right thing today."  I just know my heart feels like a shot gun blasted through it.  I can't eat.  I'm trying to pick up the pieces and imagining I have to reinvent my life now because it truly revolved around Timmer.  I still have Lupita here with me and she is not sure what is happening but she doesn't tag along with me through the house like he did.  She is a comfort and she has always been loved by me, but she's her own cat.  I will have to get used to basically being alone again.  I can't get another cat, certainly not right now, and certainly not until Lupita passes one day, because she wouldn't tolerate another cat in the house and I wouldn't put her through that.

I'm just HURTING and I'm sick and I'm lost without him.  I miss him SO BAD.  My God, I can't believe he is gone.  I.  Just.  Can't. Believe. It.  We all try and try and try with our pets.  I know we all die but I wanted more time.  And i know we all do.

Thank you for reading.  God bless.
Nancy
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PeppermintPatty
Nancy,

I am so sorry for your loss. There is nothing worse than watching our fur babies suffer and then eventually succumb to their symptoms. It is so normal to second guess everything you have done for your little baby. It sounds like you exhausted all avenues and it was just his time. And maybe you spared him from the misery of just one more procedure when it would have been too late in the long run.

With regard to the mouse, one of my friend's cats was poisoned by eating a mouse that had ingested poison. I don't know if that was the case with your kitty. They are tracking mountain lions in the area where I live to see if some of the recent declining population is due to rat poison (which they are trying to ban). Anyway, my point is, it sounds like you did everything you could in light of the circumstances. 

My kitty didn't respond to the onslaught of her meds either and faced a rapid decline after being diagnosed with liver cancer in December. It was either an extremely aggressive form, or it was just too late. 

Take care of yourself and know that your little fur family member is out of his misery but forever in your heart.


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Nancyj
Thank you so much for your kind response.  i really appreciate it.   I am so very very sorry for your loss too.  How are you coping now? It's hard knowing that you did everything you can and for whatever reason, they never get better.  Maybe things were just too far advanced for both of our loved ones. 

I'm feeling so lost.  The other cat in the house has never allowed me to hold her and she's been with me 10 years.  I feel like I have no one to hold or cuddle.  She will let me pet her. I do love her too, don't get me wrong.  Just a different personality.

Timmer was tested initially because I also worried about poison but tests came back clean.  It is just believed that he probably had IBD all along and a foreign substance (the mouse) triggered it.  It was bad.  After he ate the mouse he had loose, smelly stool and blood would come out at the end.  I took a photo and showed the doctor. He said it was colitis and we got antibiotics and prednisone.  The blood stopped but things just got worse and like I said, Christmas eve, he couldn't poop and strained so hard he fell over.  He had so many tests and procedures and was so frightened.  I felt terrible giving him chemotherapy.  It was SO weird and I cried every time I gave it.  It was oral, like in a syringe.  He didn't seem to have side effects but there was no way to know.  I appreciate modern medicine and what they can do but it was all too much.  And I was giving him Vitamin B12 shots once a week plus full dose of prednisone daily.

Yes, we did what we could.  We really really did.  

Thank you again.  No one else has responded and I was feeling bad.  Appreciate it.

Nancy
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JaspersMom
Hi Nancy,
I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your sweet kitty Tim, and my heart truly goes out to you. In February, it will be four years since I had to say such a sad and unexpected goodbye to my dear cat Jasper, who also was the light and the love of my life. I never received a final diagnosis as to what caused my strong healthy boy to become so sick, but in a matter of three days, he could hardly walk, and was having trouble breathing, and I had to love him enough to let him go. It is and will always be the hardest thing I have ever done, so I really do understand your pain and sadness, how lost you must feel without your baby by your side.

It sounds as though you and your kitty had a very special connection, as did Jasper and I. Of course you love Lupita, but there always seems to be one little one that bonds with us in such a surreal and amazing way. That bond you have with your Tim cannot be broken, no time or distance could ever change the love you two shared, and I just know that when he started walking toward that warm and radiant light, that he could feel how much he is loved and cherished. I always try to use the present tense in my posts about our dear ones who have crossed the bridge, because our stories with them are far from over. 

Please don't feel any guilt, you did so much for your sweet kitty, and he knows that, and you made the ultimate sacrifice, and you released him from his pain. I used to second guess myself about Jasper, maybe I should have waited another day, maybe I should have taken him to another doctor, and the maybe's and the should have's would get all muddled up in my heart and my soul, to where I could hardly even think straight. Truth be told, you did everything you could and so much more for your Tim, and he knows that, and I can just imagine as he was walking toward that light, he only knew peace, and comfort, and the love you gave him day after day, and he was not scared, because he had the sweet memoires you two made together in his dear little heart.

.I so wish I had the words to ease your sadness, but I do know that this is not the end, he is just in another realm, but I do believe he can still see you, and he can feel your love for him even now. Talk to him, call his name, write to and about him, pour your love for him out in your words, he will be able to hear you, of this I have no doubt. Almost four years here, and I have never felt closer to my boy Jasper, it is as though he is still right here with me, because I have tucked him safely away into my heart, the little light and love of my life is still shining and warms my world every day with his sweetness. Your Tim will always be the light and love of your life, hold him close to your heart, and he will never ever leave you. Please know that you and your beautiful boy Tim are in my thoughts and prayers tonight.
Pamela Lynne Crawford
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PeppermintPatty
Nancy,

It sounds as if we are a bit similarly situated. I lost my little Emilee in August. And then, suddenly, Lara on January 1. I have one left (Sienna) and she pretty much prefers to be left alone and doesn't like to be held either. She will let you pet her when she want to be petted. She was always the shy, skittish one. She was not like the others with their bit of more outgoing personalities. I feel bad sometimes and I am trying to shower her with my attention. She seems to be taking it much better than I am. I got her as a baby kitten and she is almost 17 years old. She has never been alone without at least two sisters. She seems to be easing her way into being queen of the castle.

Maybe your other kitty will come out of her shell. I am noticing little signs that Sienna is adjusting to things. But I know what you mean. It's not the same and there is definitely a huge void.

Take care, my dear. And love your little survivor as long as she graces you with her presence. 
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Nancyj
Jaspersmom, your words were of great comfort, so kind and brought tears to my eyes.  Thank you so very much for your compassion. I do find myself talking to Tim, mostly screaming out his name, telling him I miss him and how much I love him.  Truly, when my own brother died I did not mourn this deeply.  
Nancy
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Nancyj
Peppermint, yes, Sienna and my Lupita sound about the same.  I hope they both come around and let us hold them now and then.  I really want that.  

Lu always loves cuddling with me in bed and that's the only place, for some odd reason. Last night I went to bed at 8:00 and she was there, looking sad and sleepy.  She always hops in and out of bed throughout the night.  Timmer...when he would sleep with me would not set foot off that bed until I did, when we got up. 

I really had always wished the two cats could have worked things out and we didn't have to be separated all the time.  I always felt bad no matter which cat slept with me, that the other one was downstairs, alone.  Tim would often start crying at 2 a.m. because he couldn't be with me and I would get up and go downstairs and sleep on the couch with him.  He just wanted me. I wish I could have given him 100% of myself but he didn't get along with the other cat, and I had to look out for her safety too.  She was here first.  She wasn't used to aggression because Tina, her sister, was so friendly.  Timmer was a gorgeous bengal tom cat, twice her size.  It was a bad match and i was mourning Tina's death so not thinking and it was less than a week after Tina's death that  I went and got Tim.  I fully intended on getting another sweet female cat for Lupita, but Tim and I bonded at the shelter and that was it for me.  I got the cuddly cat who wanted to be held and that was what I wanted.  Someone who would give the kind of love i wanted in return.  I never thought that they wouldn't bond and I tried everything in the book, read books, paid for consultants.  Finally one of them just told me Nancy, this is never going to work out so re-home one of them.  I refused to do that. I built a door very tall door at the top of my second floor with a gate so they could see each other but not touch.  

How are you coping day by day with your losses?  Jan. 1 is still so fresh and new.  Not even a month.   I've lost many pets and many people in my life and I know in time that pain fades away.  I also know that we have to be willing to let it go and not embrace it.  In time, I won't be crying most of the day and in time I won't be crying at all probably.  Tomorrow I go back to work. 

I always felt better when I brought my cats' ashes home so once he gets home here, I will probably have a bit less anxiety.





Nancy
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