Dearest Roary,
I haven’t written you yet. I read everyone else’s letters to their lost loves but for some reason I haven’t been able to write you. I know why. It’s because I failed you. For the weeks since you left I have been saying it’s because I failed you in death (and I did) but really it’s because I failed you in life.
First I want to tell you how badly I have missed you. Each day since you passed have brought me tears, guilt, and anger at myself. Even now, I am crying so hard I can’t see to type this. Oh Roary. What I wouldn’t give to have you back. Literally anything except my daughter. You loved me so completely and unlike any other cat I have ever had you lived only me. How could you be gone so soon? You were supposed to have another 6 to 10 more years with me!
I screwed up Roary. I left you behind in Philadelphia when I took Abigail, meow meow and Liberace out to get my new job and move away from my marriage. I tried to get you sooner but you escaped in the car on the way to the airport and that terrified me and then it was another year before I got you. That was two years of your life where I only saw you occasionally and you never liked Carl, only me. I told myself it was okay because you had your brothers, because I didn’t know if I was going to stay at the new place, and it would be too traumatic to move you twice if the job didn’t work out. Now I believe that the trauma caused you to grow that insidious cancer and cost you your life. I was a fool Roary. I missed you everyday then too. But then I knew I could see you again and believed we had time. We didn’t have time! I should have known that. This isn’t my first time round with loss and grief. How could I have allowed myself to be separated from you? Now I am separated from you and the grief is so huge I can’t enjoy anything. I am sorry Roary. I am so very sorry. I would do anything to change what I did. The dumb choices that I made. I hate myself Roary. I really hate myself. Please sweet boy, please be okay now. I want to believe you are in a good place. I don’t know what I believe. I want to believe I really will see you again but I don’t know that is true. I would give anything to know it.
You were my big boy. The biggest boy I ever had, and maybe the biggest one I ever saw. I can’t imagine a kitty bigger than you. I still see you sitting at the base of the stairs in the morning looking up at me. Wanting to come greet me but being unable to
Climb the stairs because your chest was full of fluid. Not knowing, I called to you( but I sensed something was terribly wrong) and you struggled up the stairs anyway, panting, to get to me. I cannot believe it happened like that. You were perfect and then so quickly you were just gone.
Roary. Roary . Roary. Forever in my heart Roary. I don’t want to lose you to a faded memory. I don’t want to suffer everyday but I don’t want you gone from every thought either. I want to believe in Heaven and the Rainbow bridge but the only thing I know for sure is that I am in hell.
Quote 0 0
Dear red girl raven,
I haven’t been back to this wonderful forum in quite some time but tonight I felt drawn to it for some reason.
I saw your name and wanted to read your story.
Im so sorry for your loss of beautiful Roary!
Guilt is such a terrible part of grieving. We find all kinds of ways to punish ourselves.
What you need to remember is that we do the best we can with what we know at the time. It’s very hard leaving a marriage and you had to make hard choices. You thought Roary would be okay because he was with his brothers and even though he missed you it’s probably very true that he was fine. You tried to get him sooner but he escaped on the way to the airport. If you’d lost him you would never get over that; trust me!
So you kept him safe until you could have him with you. It really isn’t your fault that he developed that terrible disease, cancer. More and more pets are getting cancer it seems. Very sad! The important thing and the thing you really need to hold tight to is that you did get Roary and you did have time with him. Was it enough time? Of course not but you know what? It would never be enough.
When I would think of my little Sunny, after he died, I would remember leaving him to go out with friends or go away on vacations and even going to work.. all times that I felt I’d lost with him and it bothered me so much until I realized that what I was doing during those times was simply living.
We are not perfect and you know who knows that best? Our pets! They love us anyway. I think they understand us better than we understand ourselves! Roary knew how much you loved him. That’s what really counts and that is what you really need to hold on to.
I do believe in heaven. I believe we will be together with them again. I also believe Roary is worried about you because he loves you so much. He wants you to start remembering the love and the good times you shared and to stop dwelling on all the mistakes you think you made and the time that was lost. It’s really not fair to either of you because he wants to be remembered for the big beautiful boy that he was and he wants to know that you are okay so that he can be at peace.
You will see him again someday but for now please start focusing on some of the good moments you had with your boy. Cry when you need to of course. You’ve suffered a huge loss but take some time to think about happy moments with Roary and sometime in the future you will smile and he will smile seeing that! Know that he still loves you and will be waiting for you when that time comes but for now he is at peace and he wants the same for you. 🌹
Hugs and blessings,
Quote 0 0
Dearest Roary,
I am still using you today and always.I have been sick lately and stuck on the couch or in the bed.  You are the kitty who should be with me like you were when I was pregnant and sick.  You brother Buddy tries to fill the void, but he would rather have household adventures - he doesn't stick to me like you would.  I just miss you so much and am sorry I ever took you for granted.  I thought we had more time my sweet love.
Quote 0 0

Dear Anne,

I am sorry to read that you're not feeling well sweetheart. And I know how much you are missing your dear boy Roary.

As you may recall my cat Marmalade would also stay near me when I wasn't well, having a bad bout of migraines. At times days on end of crushing pain that would knock me to my knees. They were so bad, that I could not even lay flat or they would increase in pain, so I would have to sleep on my knees and lean against the couch we normally slept on.

Marmalade would stay just close enough to let me see that he was near by, but not enough to be a bother. Like he knew exactly what to do. And when there would be a break between migraines? he would very slowly and carefully come closer and approach me purring just enough to let me know that he was still present and check on me. Then he would return to his post holding a vigil over me on the arm of the couch. This tough as nails Tom Cat who was sweet, sensitive and kind. 

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you feel better soon. I wish our lads were still with us. : ** I

Quote 0 0