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Jenniferhiggs1221

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Reply with quote  #1 
I have been on here for six days or so now reading everyones stories and commenting and grieving with them..sharing with them my story of how i lost my resses..my sweet ginger tabby on june 5.but then i figured why not post my own story as well.i had to make the horrible agonizing decision to put my baby to sleep on june 5 after an accident he had incurred on may 31 which somehow resulted in him having both back legs broken..i came home from work that day trightd him unable to walk and under the porch crying in pain..i rushed him to his vet and they took xrays of his legs to determine his back right tibia was broke but there was no bone there..almost like something had aten it away..his vet said the only thing to do was amputate the right leg because there was no fixing it no bone to fix..they sent me home with high pain meds and scheduled his surgery for that monday..i had to watch him suffer in a cage i had to keep him in and give him pain meds to help get him through til monday..the day finally came and i dropped him off for his amputation..they called me back hours later to say he was anemic and needed blood transfusion fiirst so they sent me to er vet for that and to figure out why he was still not using other leg..upon getting there they pulled up copy of his xrays i broughy to discover his left femur bone was also broken!!the reason he wasnt using that leg either..i was so mad at his othe vet for missing something so crucial and he had been like that three days at this time.and wasnt doing good.this vet reccomended i put him down because of suspicion of other stuff going on with him as well.i said absolutley not..bring me reeses back.so i left there and took him back home with me again..over the next two days i called everywhere trying to get him into hoslital that could do the blood transfusion ..agonizition of right leg..and surgery on left leg which involved putting in metal plate..so i found one and sent his records over and scheduled it for that day "the day" june 5 .upon arrival they wanted to do further xrays on his abdomen and everyrhing to makr sure he would be ok through the surgeries and be able to recover..right after xrays were done they came right back to tell me he had cancer and a large mass on his liver and he wouldnt have a good quality of life after and would be hell on him ti recover. Also saying the surgeons wouldnt want to operate on him because of poor prognosis..so the only option..at this point i had been through five days of watching my sweet boy in agonizing pain to the point he had been shaking horribly and crying out loud if he had to move to use the bathroom..he was still eating good and drinking but no good outcome for him is what i was told.the night before his scheduked sugery was hard and he had been in so much pain i looked at him and talked to him and told him i would not let him spend another night in pain..which i was hopeful for the surgery and transfusions comming up but i told myself if he wont be ok to get them..what am i going to do then?bring him back home again and keep him im a cage and watch him agonize in extreme pain?he was my baby.the love of my life..he made me sooo happy the years we spent together..how could i let him suffer anymore than he already has? So this newa hit me like a ton of bricks..i was so distraught..so sad..so hopeless that i listenes to the vet who i have come to hate for putting me in this position.i looked at him and made the decision that only seemed fair at that point..i cried and cried and threw myself on the floor right there..then after..i felt immidiate regret..guilt..and anger..i hated myself for making this decision for my sweetheart who looked to me to take care of him and i let him down..i let him down..i was in such a horrible state of mind i didnt know what to do with myself anymore..my baby was gone and it was because of me..his mom..how could i do this to him?i loves him more rhan anything how could i have done this to my one true love?for days i cried uncontrollably.the sadness was overwhelming..i didnt eat. I couldnt..i took his life i didnt deserve to eat..i wanted to feel the pain he felt.i wanted both my legs to be broken and sit im a cage in pain for five days and then after suffering..someone to just come in and end my life
.because thats what i did to him..and all i wanted was him ti get better and this happened instead..emotions came on hard..i was so angry with everybody at this point..a hated everybody..and i wanted to go back to that vet and take it all out on them.but what would that do? My baby is gone and theres no taking it back..its been 10 days since the loss of my best friend and even though i am eating again and going to work..im still barely holding on..i am still just as mad..angry.sad.and guilt ridden as ever..and i will never be able ti forgive myself foe the choice i made..ill never think it was right..i just didnt know what else to do..i wanted him to have his surgeries and be back home with me..but i didnt want to put him through everything if he wouldnt be ok after still..but the guilt is there..what if he wouldve been ok after? He could b with me right now..what if i wouldvr drove him somewhere else and asked for the surgery? I am so beside myself and still hate myself for taking my babys life..and this is where im at now..it has helped reading others stories but i just cant let it go..i loved him soooo much why was i put in this position to make this choice for him?why? We were having a good life together..what did he do ti deserve this fate he was given? Nothing..he was the best ever and i mean ever anf he didnt deserve it..its so unfair and im so angry that i dont know when i feel ok again..and thats why i wanted to share his story..and share how i feel and how sorry i am to him.and i just want to know hes ok and forgives me

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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #2 


What an incredible face on that Cat Jennifer. Reeses was so unique, he looks like a Hanna-Barbera cartoon character! Like out of that classic cartoon "Top Cat" or something. What marvelous eyes, what an incredible mouth. No wonder you loved him so! Handsome, adorable and unique! 

I was talking to my Cat Marmalade once, who as you know was also orange (they are the best kind!), as he was sitting on my lap (I was leaning back on our couch) and all of the sudden, his tongue was sticking straight out of his mouth at me. And he just sat there looking at me. I started to laugh, as he left his tongue hanging out, almost as if on purpose, for an extended period of time. He still just sat there looking at me with this goofy look on his face, as if to say: "What are you laughing at?" I continued to laugh and as if on cue, he started to walk slowly up my legs and on top of my stomach and on to my chest, all the while his silly tongue hanging out. I was laughing and laughing as he got closer and closer. He didn't stop until he was almost staring me straight in his eyes. With his tongue still sticking out at me. Then he returned to where he started on my lap. I am positive he got a kick out of seeing me laugh and smile. What a character he was, like your Reeses.

We all know how deeply you cared and still care about your beloved Reeses. He knows how much you loved, adored and cherished him. I am so glad your paths crossed when they did and that you shared so many wonderful times and memories together. XO

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Jenniferhiggs1221

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Reply with quote  #3 
That was reeses always!!the picture i posted was maybe one of the few where his tongue wasnt out..it was always and i mean always out..i used ti always touch it when i was loving on him and he still woukdnt put it up..everyone that came over would look at him and laugh because of it..and even though i dont like bringing them up the "vets" would always comment on it hanging out and all the way down..i,loved it..and it was just him..so when u mentioned that about your marmalade i had to comment that it was one of the funny characteristics i loved about reeses..
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April_Scott

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Reply with quote  #4 
Jennifer

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Resses.  I just wanted to let you know that I feel the same way as you. Heres my experience. I had to help my beloved Quazar( a black lab, ) over the rainbow bridge on easter sunday. My experience is different than yours but it has some similarities. One morning my sweet boy collapsed and started breathing rapidly over time. Being a long weekend we were limited in options for vets, we ended up at a veterinarian that I have come to hate and loth with all my being. He looked at my boy , gave him lots of treatments, charged us lots of money( i would have and did give anything to help my boy) and said he had aspiration pneumonia and sent us home with meds.  They just wanted us out the door by closing time. All they had to do was tell me he needed to go to emergency, but just said take him home and give him these pills. Overnight I watched my boy progressively start breathing faster and was not able to get up at all by morning. We drove to the ER where he was diagnosed right away with a heart tumor that ruptures filling his pericardium sac arround the heart with blood, putting pressure on his lungs that in turn was depriving his organs of oxygen. His bloodwork was bad. They told me that this was terminal, but that we could try draining the blood, it may give him minutes to hours and possibly a week of relief before it bleeds again causing the same issues. They also told me that the cancer he had, hemangiosarcoma has almost always spread by this time.  They said a cardiac specialist could do surgery and try(no guaranty) to remove the tumor and follow with chemo and radiation and that it could possibly give us a few more months together if the treatments didnt kill him first. AT this point I went numb, was in shock and my heart and soul shattered. I wanted to keep him, i wanted to try and save him, but how could I let him be in distress any longer, I already watched him overnight and i could tell how unhappy he was, they say he was not in pain, but i dont believe that.  I feel like such a bad mama, I let him suffer overnight on the advice of a stupid vet, I should have done more faster. How could I decide what to do, i wanted so badly to be selfish, to try and keep him longer, but I had to think about him. Quality of life before quantity. In minutes I said we will help him cross that bridge, it all happened so fast, and like you regretted it the minute after it was done. My forever dog, gone, just like that, happy and healthy one day and then boom, hes gone. I have been devastated ever since, so made at that first vet, like you, i don't understand how some vets can be so incompetent and stupid. Causing our fur babies to suffer longer then they should have.  I think to myself all the time, what if he was part of that small percent that would have done well with treatment.  I am so mad at the world still, my partner always says how angry I am all the time, and hes right. I am trying my best to accept what happened, but its so very hard. The only thing keeping me going is the fact that my boy Quazar hated seeing me upset, while I still cry multiple times a day, I also try and be strong for him as I know he would not want me to be so sad and angry, its a work in progress. I just want you to know that your not alone in the way that you feel, I believe you did everything you could in the best interest of your beloved Reese. I have been told nothing good is going to come from the what if's, but i cant help thinking about them. I hope we can both find peace someday soon. It's been almost 2 month since I said farewell, it still feels like yesterday that I lost him, but it also feels like its been a thousand years since I held my beloved Quazar. I hope you know that you are a good mama, you thought about your fur baby before yourself.  When we set them free from pain, we take on that pain instead. I wish I could have taken his pain on for him. They are truly the best, one of a kind companion. Our everything, my soul dog, your soul cat. I am so very sorry for your loss, it really gnaws away at our hearts. Sending you peace and comforting thoughts your way. I am right here with you, hurting and wondering if  my choices were right.  But logically I think we know they were, our brains know this, our hearts just need to catch up. Sending love and healing energy your way.  April.

By the way, your Reese was beautiful, reminds me of a neighborhood cat that loved my dog and who my Quazar loved a lot, they always saw each other when i took my boy on walks, and the kitty would walk with us, all lovey-dovey with my boy. It was a beautiful relationship. She would always walk us home and walk right beside my boy. I dont know how she knew we were out for a walk, but almost every walk she would find us.



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April Scott
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Jenniferhiggs1221

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Reply with quote  #5 
Thank you april for your kind words and sharing your story about quazar.i know u must miss him terribly..it is hard and its the hardest decision to have to make especially the way we had to in such a quick and unexpected wayy.one min u r there to get them better thr next u are eaten alive b guilt because you had to end their suffering..its so unfair and the what ifs are always gonna be there for me i think which makes the healing that much harder..but i miss him so much and hurt so bad from his loss and the way it happened..i now and always will hate vets.
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #6 


Hi Jennifer, I did not know that about Reeses tongue! I wonder if he whispered that in my ear and it reminded me of that little story about Marmalade. To try and cheer you up. : ) XO

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