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LUCYLULU

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Reply with quote  #31 
You're most welcome. But please do not think for one instant you were wallowing at all. You were not. I apologize if it sounded that way. You're replaying a wicked decision. While we take their pain, everything after that is so hard because we miss them so much.  I just meant sometimes people-- those NOT in the know-- may act as if we who are grieving are prolonging our grief. Or some such thing. They're wrong and as I said, they don't 'get it' and they never will. To use another metaphor...we are all on this roller coaster, emotional ride. Maybe we didn't want to be on it...but we are so damn lucky that we are not 'riding' alone. Everyone here 'gets it'. Off to the garden to plant a little blue spruce tree in honor of Lucy! Hugs, Kasey
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lizzie_252

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Reply with quote  #32 
CKMP, you're not the only one regretting that last day, and Lucylulu, you said it very well, we were not our rational selves the day we said goodbye to our beloved companions.  I remember crying and thinking, what I am going to do if she passes at home and I am sleeping or I am at work. Will she feel scared and alone? Then the vet said she thought Ziz had no chance, she would live at home only for a few days, so I made that fateful decision.  I would give anything now to have it revoked, to be able to give Zizi more time. 
I also called her vet the next day, not the young vet who euthanized her and didn't want to keep her in the clinic after two days only, and that vet told me that Zizi probably had cancer but they were not sure.  She also said I did the right thing but it was her point of view, it wasn't her pet.

I feel your pain and your guilt, you're not alone, hang in there.

Liz
Ziz mom, 2002-April 20, 2016



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CKMP

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Reply with quote  #33 
Thank you Liz - you and Kasey have made me feel not so alone and so out of control of emotions.  I haven't convinced myself I did everything for Maggs I could have and that it was just time for me to let go.  I desperately want to know if it was too soon - as I worried all the time about having her 'suffer' and lose all dignity at the end.  I didn't know how bad her kidneys were by any additional tests and I had tried to keep her calm and without additional stress - because of her Addison's and to keep her on a good diet for the pancreatitis.  So that 48 hours was not only a shock but also a side of Maggee I had never seen up to those two days - she went from walking with her sister, and sleeping well to the next morning where she didn't come to greet us at the door as she wouldn't walk- would not  eat or drink and just wanted to sleep in my arms and lap.  Maybe I let her slip away without that last fight I keep thinking!  
I had written my vet April 18th and then once again on April 25th asking for her thoughts and observations that day.  I received a phone call from her office receptionist saying she [the vet] was in receipt of my email and she was going to respond but needed some time to gather her thoughts and put them down on paper. . . I called just on Monday - not to pressure her again but to ask a question about Maggs' sister . . . The receptionist/assistant handled my question but I thought I detected a hint of 'guardedness' in her tone. . . And then again maybe I am just making 'mountains out of molehills'
I guess I have hesitated to write or call again in case she [the vet] says something I really don't want to hear but I do want to know her thoughts - 'good or bad'.  I still tear up when talking about Maggee and that day and so I thought the safest for me and her was to write - I know she is busy, as all vets are but I kind of feel abandoned by her - she has the medical knowledge far beyond mine - I guess I will just have to approach her once again and if she doesn't respond then I guess I will have to try and live with that.
I can't thank you Kasey and Liz for your shoulders and support - in fact, to everyone who reads my ramblings and writes back.  It is sad to know, but at the same time, good to know one is not alone in these feelings.  
I am sorry you are in this too - and can see and feel how much your special companions were loved.
To all those who have left before us - and to all of us who are left here to miss their company - many pets, treats and hugs. . . 

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Ell99

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Reply with quote  #34 
Quote:
Originally Posted by CKMP
Happy Birthday my Sweet Maggee Muffin!  Today is your 11th birthday - and your sister has had not only her special birthday treat but an extra one for you.  You are missed even more today and it is a good thing I did not make any promises to not cry because there have been already many tears this morning. . . I will though tell you over and over how grateful and lucky we are to have had you with us - Thank you Maggs for finding us - you and Kass.  You gave us much and especially for me you were my 'special "special needs" girl who took greater care of me than I could ever have of you.  You showed me many things throughout those ten years - gentleness; kindness; a loyalty of extreme depth; calmness; dignity; acceptance and overall a joy for life.  While I am struggling to find that joy in life without you  -believe me I had it when you were here with me each and every day.  You came to be such a strong and brave little girl - battling through the ups and downs of your Addison's disease; your resignation at having your meds 'pushed' down your throat each day; being left behind at home or in the kennel [looking at me with those big brown eyes but willing to go because you trusted me - 'if mummy says its ok, Kass, its ok' was always what I thought I saw in your face].  You never cried Maggee, never whimpered, never ever complained - I probably have no idea if you were in pain, in discomfort and to what degree - but you always came for your treat and a 'bum scratch'.  You found a way to comfort me and yourself by laying close while watching tv or in bed - keeping those 'hips' and 'kidneys' warm always - Maggs the little furnace!  My heart is broken without you - but that is ok - and you know how it is - you always knew - because we are that rare connection - you are my heart-dog.  I know you found me somehow because you knew I needed you,  I just wasn't ready to have to say goodbye. I know I haven't come to forgive myself as I know you would have forgiven me for anything and everything - The one thing you and your sister always were to each other - unselfish - is a tough one for me to internalize.  You and Kass never fought over food, attention or affection - never, ever was there one moment in those 10 years that you two had a quarrel, not a moment of surliness, nothing.  You ate from the same dish, drank from the same bowl and always waited for 'Maggee's turn' . . . Two peas in a pod, two loving and devoted sisters.  What a sweetheart you are to Kass, always her 'big sister'.  I miss you so much, each moment of everyday, how I wish you have peace, contentment, relief  and how I wish so selfishly you would be here forever. .  . You have given me so much [And its Your Birthday!] I hate asking for more . . .I would love to hear from You - clearly and loudly - I am pretty sure you are with me each day but in this instance Maggee - more is better!  You are so loved and so cherished.  Happy Birthday Maggee - "The Big Easy"  I love you.  
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Ell99

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Reply with quote  #35 
Oh Maggee you beautiful girl. My heart aches for you.sending big hugs and know that we all care xx
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CKMP

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Reply with quote  #36 
Today is a Maggee Day - the type of day you would love Maggs.  You would be out on the front porch in the sunshine with your sister - watching the birds and squirrels fight over the bird feeder.  You would get up, stretch a bit, give your sister a bit of a paw or nudge, twirl around a bit, and then 'flop' back down to get those hips just right in that perfect spot of warm sun.  
You are so much missed and so loved.  The world is a less better place without you.
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CKMP

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Reply with quote  #37 
I borrowed these thoughts[with some minor changes]  for you Maggs:

"She is my other eyes that can see above the clouds; my other ears that hear above the winds.  She is the part of me that can reach out into the sea.  She told me a thousand times over that I was her reason for being; by the way she rested against my leg; by the way she thumped her tail at my smallest smile . . . When I was wrong, she was delighted to forgive.  When I was angry, she clowned to make me smile.  When I was happy, she was joy unbounded.  When I was a fool, she ignored it. . . Without her I am only another person.  With her , I was all powerful.    She is loyalty itself.  She has taught me the meaning of devotion.  With her I knew a secret comfort and a private peace.  She has brought me understanding where before I was ignorant.  Her head on my knee could heal my human hurts.  Her presence by my side was protection against my fears of dark and unknown things.  She has promised to wait for me . . . whenever . . . wherever . . . in case I need her.  And, I expect I will, as I always have.  She is my dog. . ."

You are so much missed and so much loved - my sweet Maggee.
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LUCYLULU

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Reply with quote  #38 
CKMP~ I love what you wrote to Maggs...every part of it...most especially:

   "Without her I am only another person.  With her , I was all powerful.  She is loyalty itself.  She has taught me the meaning of devotion.  With her I knew a secret comfort and a private peace."

Thank you for sharing with all of us! Hugs Kasey
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CKMP

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Reply with quote  #39 
Maggs - Each day you know you are missed and thought of constantly.  Your sister is quiet and looks for you still - and yet sometimes it is as if she is 'listening' to you - She runs to the favourite "pee patch" spot, stops and looks up the hill to your personal favourite spot as if you were looking down at her daring her to "come and get you".  The house is too quiet without you - the "leader of the pack" - looking at 'stuff' and pushing your little sister to go upstairs and chase; go downstairs and roll around on the extra bed; lay around in the kitchen looking for something - as you are the 'foodie' and the 'fruit hound'.  Some moments are unbearable and there have been enough tears to give you a bath in!  That's ok - I am so eternally grateful for You - You are an amazing girl - possessing beauty without vanity; strength without arrogance and courage beyond what I could ever hope to possess. [thank you to Lord Byron's words] A fighter - mentally sharp girl dealt a 'raw deal' physically.  But You never, ever saw that did you?  Life was just life . . . it was what it was . . .  and you embraced it for all it was each day.  [I have some more 'borrowed words from another for you but from your sister today]  "We may not be together In the way we used to be;  We are still connected by a cord no eye can see.  So whenever you need to find me  We're never far apart; If you look beyond our "pee patch" And just listen to my heart"  [Ok, some 'revisions' and from me too!]  Maggs you are much loved and adored, much missed and still the Big Easy!  If wishes could be granted . . . and we could turn back time . . .

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jimmy17

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Reply with quote  #40 
Hi CKMP, your words to your beautiful Maggs are so so special - they demonstrate exactly the way these these little soul mates are still and always will be forever a part of us.  I`m certain Kass CAN still hear and see her sister - I`ve always believed that animals possess that 6th sense, though how I wish we had the ability to do so. 
 There`s one little saying I`ve always loved - ( no idea who wrote it ),  " We give dogs our home, our time and our love. In return they give us everything - it`s the humans that get the best deal." 
                                                             Hugs to you & Kass,      Jackie

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CKMP

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Reply with quote  #41 
Jackie, thank you so much.  I needed to hear that today - it gives me that extra hope that she is not gone, just here differently. . . I really like the saying - it is so true - "we get the best deal" - it is just too short.  And thank you for thinking of Kass too - Hugs back to you and always extra thoughts for your special guy, Jim.  
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Bailey15

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Reply with quote  #42 
Hi CKMP,
I am so very sorry for your huge loss! Maggee sounds so special and it is obvious the deep love you shared. I love the thoughts you wrote down for her (I hope you don't mind, I just copied it into the journal I keep for Bailey.) I lost my boy 6 months ago and it felt like heart went with him. I really do understand the awful pain you're feeling! I started to work on a Memory box for Bailey: I put his collar, favorite toy, sympathy cards, paw prints, etc, and as part of that I decided to do a Memory scrapbook. I'm still working on it and it makes me feel close to him. Just a few ideas... I know nothing can take the awful pain away. I'm sorry too for her little sister - it must be so sad to watch her. Hopefully you will be able to comfort each other.
Wishing you peace and sending Hugs,
MJ

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Teesabell

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Reply with quote  #43 
CKMP,

Reading your posts and praying for you! You are not alone! Practically every feeling and thoughts expressed by you are what I am thinking and experiencing about my baby Cookie! It will be two weeks tomorrow and it still hurts. I am thankful for finding this forum and reading your kind words to others experiencing the same type of loss! Praying you find comfort and peace during this horrible time!

Terri

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CKMP

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Reply with quote  #44 
Bailey15 - I am so sorry for your loss of Bailey - I think he was your special shih tzu - as Maggee was mine.  [shih tzu/bichon]  Thank you for your kind words - and of course you may use anything for Bailey's journal - I don't mind - I am glad it strikes a chord and let's us know we are not alone.  It is difficult to live that changed life - and makes you question much.  Your ideas of a scrapbook and memory box are wonderful celebrations of Bailey's physical time with you.  I am sure he is looking over your shoulder and helping you to choose the right photos and make just the right arrangement.  May Comfort, and peace find you too - 
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CKMP

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Reply with quote  #45 
Maggs - "If I could be half the person my dog is, I'd be twice the human I am."  
You gave me a blueprint for the kind of person I would like to be and should be to honour your gifts.

You know you are much loved and adored and much missed - sweet Maggs.
A gentle paw from your sister . . .
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