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winstonsmom12

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Reply with quote  #16 
CKMP  Yes My baby was so very special to me, as your Maggie was to you.  We are all going through such pain.  I am very happy there is a place for me to grieve.  Hugs   Sue
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CKMP

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Reply with quote  #17 
LUCYLULU - your words strike a chord.  I am so so sorry you have lost your special Lucy.  That bond between you two is that slender, golden thread that weaves and winds itself around two hearts - unbreakable.  You are so right about one simple thing I never stopped to realize before - I will always be Maggs' mum . . . Thank You.  You are also right about it being a long road out of self-blame and guilt - Our companions teach us so much but one lesson we never ever seem to learn is self-forgiveness and acceptance as they would show to us always.  Thank you for saying Maggs was lucky, but really I was the lucky one -
Thank you for thinking of Kass - she is a sweetie-pie and is trying to make her way in a one-dog house now.  Many hugs for you - and Happy Mum's Day tomorrow - for Lucy.
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CKMP

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Reply with quote  #18 
Happy Birthday my Sweet Maggee Muffin!  Today is your 11th birthday - and your sister has had not only her special birthday treat but an extra one for you.  You are missed even more today and it is a good thing I did not make any promises to not cry because there have been already many tears this morning. . . I will though tell you over and over how grateful and lucky we are to have had you with us - Thank you Maggs for finding us - you and Kass.  You gave us much and especially for me you were my 'special "special needs" girl who took greater care of me than I could ever have of you.  You showed me many things throughout those ten years - gentleness; kindness; a loyalty of extreme depth; calmness; dignity; acceptance and overall a joy for life.  While I am struggling to find that joy in life without you  -believe me I had it when you were here with me each and every day.  You came to be such a strong and brave little girl - battling through the ups and downs of your Addison's disease; your resignation at having your meds 'pushed' down your throat each day; being left behind at home or in the kennel [looking at me with those big brown eyes but willing to go because you trusted me - 'if mummy says its ok, Kass, its ok' was always what I thought I saw in your face].  You never cried Maggee, never whimpered, never ever complained - I probably have no idea if you were in pain, in discomfort and to what degree - but you always came for your treat and a 'bum scratch'.  You found a way to comfort me and yourself by laying close while watching tv or in bed - keeping those 'hips' and 'kidneys' warm always - Maggs the little furnace!  My heart is broken without you - but that is ok - and you know how it is - you always knew - because we are that rare connection - you are my heart-dog.  I know you found me somehow because you knew I needed you,  I just wasn't ready to have to say goodbye. I know I haven't come to forgive myself as I know you would have forgiven me for anything and everything - The one thing you and your sister always were to each other - unselfish - is a tough one for me to internalize.  You and Kass never fought over food, attention or affection - never, ever was there one moment in those 10 years that you two had a quarrel, not a moment of surliness, nothing.  You ate from the same dish, drank from the same bowl and always waited for 'Maggee's turn' . . . Two peas in a pod, two loving and devoted sisters.  What a sweetheart you are to Kass, always her 'big sister'.  I miss you so much, each moment of everyday, how I wish you have peace, contentment, relief  and how I wish so selfishly you would be here forever. .  . You have given me so much [And its Your Birthday!] I hate asking for more . . .I would love to hear from You - clearly and loudly - I am pretty sure you are with me each day but in this instance Maggee - more is better!  You are so loved and so cherished.  Happy Birthday Maggee - "The Big Easy"  I love you.  
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Robin2003

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Reply with quote  #19 
Happy Birthday, Dear little Maggee. You were and are a special little dog to have been so beloved❤️
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CKMP

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Reply with quote  #20 
Thank you so very much Robin2003.  That means a lot to me.  Wishing you a wonderful Mum's Day today and warm thoughts and hugs.  
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julieandfurbabies

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Reply with quote  #21 
I'm so very sorry for your loss x
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Love Julie x
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CKMP

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Reply with quote  #22 
Two months today Maggee we said goodbye.  It seems like yesterday some moments and like a life time ago other moments.  
You are so deeply missed, so deeply loved.  Walk with me today and stay near.  Hugs and paws from your sister.  
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camunki

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Reply with quote  #23 
Wishing your Maggee a happy Belated Birthday........soar across that sky baby girl & know you are loved by your Mom down here on earth and many other folks here on this website...........Wishing you strength today as it marks 2 months, which is still so new & raw...........(((hugs)))
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jimmy17

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Reply with quote  #24 
I am certain your Maggee is staying close to you today - as she is every day. She knows how very much loved she is.   I know what you mean though, sometimes our losses feel so new, and at other times it feels such a long time has passed.  Sending you big hugs,
                                                                            Jackie

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CKMP

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Reply with quote  #25 
Cam - thank you so much for your birthday wishes and for your words to Maggs.  This is so, so kind of you.  Thank you for your thoughts today.
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CKMP

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Reply with quote  #26 
Jackie, Thank you very much for your big hugs and thoughts today.  
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CKMP

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Reply with quote  #27 
As always sweet Maggs - I am missing you without end.  You are so loved, so longed for.  Your door greetings are missed; your barks for treats; your pawing at the window to say hi; just your presence in the house.  Your sister has refused to touch your special teddy bears . . . And, they rest exactly where you left them on the bedroom couch.  Your meds are still in the refrigerator; and your sweater and collar still come with me room to room, place to place.  I talk to you all the time and hope, hope, hope you are here and hearing - Remembering you, asking you to stay near; and asking you to forgive. Always thinking about what you might do, or where you would be . . . I can never let you go . . . One of the girls - one of the sisters - always "The Big Easy" - You are deeply missed and deeply loved.  
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CKMP

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Reply with quote  #28 
One of those days  . . . I feel so totally out of 'control' - and just drifting through the days without you Maggee.  There seems to be no desire to do anything or go anywhere - everything seems somewhat less meaningful without you.  No one around me here seems to get our relationship and everyone is tired of me wanting to talk about you or express my lingering sense of guilt and no one wants to see the tears.  So like always I will talk to you - I am so sorry and guilt ridden Maggs.  I go over everyday and every minute again and again-maybe I should have gotten more tests done for you [especially that last hour]; maybe the stress within the home sent you spiralling downward; maybe I didn't feed you the right food; maybe I didn't see you struggling over the last month . . .  maybe I just was too focused on other things to see your health status clearly.  I just don't know!  Why won't your vet get back to me about you?  All I want to know is her thoughts about your status that day - why did she open the door just a crack - why didn't I grab that opening and fling that door wide open?  How can I know it was the right decision deep inside my heart?  I am so, so sorry Maggee - how can I know if you forgive me?  I tried to care for you each and every day as best as I could - and you never ever showed me any pain, any discomfort until your little body was just out of your control.  Was it just too much for you?  Did I contribute to your downfall?  I keep looking for some outside validation for this "fateful" and "hateful" decision - it doesn't come . . . even someone close to us has said 'well, you were focused on other things besides Maggs'  . . . 'You are obsessed and whacked now'  Who says that and why?  You were always in my thought - I hope you know this - you and your sister . . . I always made sure you had your meds, your 'special' dinners, your walks and your cuddle time.  I always talked to you and your sister and you two went everywhere you possible could with me, we shared every minute of every day we could.   You and I just 'got each other' - I didn't ever think I neglected you or forgot you - but why would someone even mention that if it wasn't true?  All of these little things eat away at me Maggs - as you would know they would - and you would always then have jumped up beside me - given me that look with those big brown eyes and settled down right along my leg in the chair with that 'sigh' of yours - as if to say 'its ok mummy, I know you and love you.'  I keep searching and searching for some peace within myself - but you know me - and you know I will blame myself for everything first. . . Anyway, as you can hear and see Maggs, today is not a good day - time away from you is not making this easier - and now I am starting to pretend around others.  Around you and your sister, I never have to pretend - you just loved me for me, and had no expectations.  You are one very, very special friend to me.  And, I know to your ears the same words keep coming - I miss you so badly and so desperately wish to have you with me and your sister each day.  Some days, like today, I miss you so much I feel like I am losing all  . . . but your sister is still here and I am trying to make sure she is happy and content without her "big sister".   I am so 
glad to have met you and so glad we could share some time together - I am so hopeful we are still sharing time together and we will meet up again.  Who would have thought Maggs, that shy and timid little pup 11 years ago would blossom into that beautiful soul you are - I think you even surprised yourself sometimes at your 'courage' and your curiosity about things.  You know the words, and hopefully you can feel the sentiment still - I love you so much and miss you to the ends of time and back again.  And the biggest one - Please forgive me if I did anything wrong . . .
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LUCYLULU

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Reply with quote  #29 
Oh CKMP~  I am truly sorry for what you are going through. It's wicked because it often feels so unbearably lonely...not just missing Maggs right down to your core...but the replay & wondering & wishing you could travel back in time. Trying to go back to the last days is a very lonesome road. I still replay my decision-- after 6 months. And if it's any consolation, I made an appt. & went back a week after & met with my vet. I needed her support b/c I was having trouble 'remembering my own thought process' that last day. Not sure if I am explaining it but in replay it sometimes feels like an out of body experience-- the last day or even days. She was very good. It helped. We talked for almost an hour. She answered my questions & despite my non-stop crying on the day Lucy went to sleep, she told me that she thought I was lucid & had come to the difficult decision because of my love for Lucy. She loved Lucy too. Maybe if you make an appointment, you can go in and talk to your vet. I hope so. 

As far as what someone said to you, please try to remember that they just don't get it. I know it's hard. To say, "You are obsessed and whacked now" is very insensitive. Sometimes people make 'bold' statements as if they're going to jolt us out of  our grief or upset. Please do not let it/them enter your radar or affect you. They do not understand. We understand. None of us want to be here. No offense. I am not wallowing in my own grief. I miss Lucy every moment. It's just that we have been fortunate enough to find this place of caring & comfort so WE CAN still 'talk' about our heartbreak & feelings. We can't just slam the door and move on. 'Living in the Now' doesn't always work when your whole world feels shattered. The grieving process is different for every person. Many folks don't get our heart & soul connections with our pets. Sadly that's their loss. All I do know is that you are hurting. You have every reason to feel sad. Take all the time you need. We are all here for you.
Huge hugs, Kasey
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CKMP

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Reply with quote  #30 
Kasey
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.


For acknowledging my emotions and for giving me a reminder of my 'right' to grieve for how long and how I need to forget what others think or believe - - Maggs was my companion, my friend and my 'heart-dog'  . . .
And, I do need to step up and pressure my vet to speak with me - or at least write to me.

There is no doubt - Lucy was a lucky pup to have found you and spent many years with you.  
Your Much beloved and cherished Lucy is a beautiful soul and spirit.  


I am grateful for having had Maggs in my life - and for what she has taught me.  
And, I do need to stop 'wallowing in my own loss' and begin to try and come to some peace about that decision.
That replay button is the one that never seems to wear out!
Hugs back for You
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