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Stacy072176

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Posts: 12
Reply with quote  #1 
My sweet calico kitty Lilly left this world unexpectedly Tuesday December 4th. I came home around 5:30pm that evening and drove down my road and see her lifeless little body in the middle of the road right in front of our house. I had actually knew what I was going to be arriving home to already but had some deep hope that she might still be alive. My daughter had arrived home about 10 minutes earlier and called me crying Lilly had been hit and was dead in the middle of the road. I refused to believe it until I saw her myself. But as soon as I arrived home I knew she was gone. I picked her up and laid her on the passenger seat in my car and drove down the driveway. My daughter brought me a towel and I wrapped her in it and just cradled her in my arms. I kept telling her how sorry I was I failed her and I was sorry I made her go outside that morning. If I would have just let her stay inside this would not have happened but I usually put her outside every morning before going to work or she would go stir crazy during the day and she didn't like using the litterbox. She was only 9 and had always been an indoor/outdoor kitty. We live on a dead end gravel road so it is not very busy and cars do not go all that fast by the house. She had always been so smart about cars too. So at this point I am still in absolute disbelief and shock. I really could not even cry. I was only screaming "not my Lilly".
My husband arrived home shortly after and then a neighbor came over. We thought he was stopping to say he hit her. But it was completely shocking what he shared with my husband. He saw my husband leaving about an hour or so earlier and was going past him the opposite direction when he saw a cat jump out from underneath my husband's truck. It was my husband's truck that hit her and he feels terrible about it. He didn't even know. She must have been cold and climbed up under the truck while he was warming it up.
I decided to take her to the 24 hour vet clinic that evening to have her cremated. I did not want to wait until morning for our vet to open. The entire ride there I still had not cried. I kept thinking "what is wrong with me" I love her so much and I am so upset but why can't I cry? It was not until I took her out of the car and carried her into the vet's office that I started to cry. It all became real at that moment. I filled out the paperwork and then the lady from the clinic told me I could stay in the room with her for a long as I wanted. I sat there holding her and stroking her soft beautiful fur and telling her how much I love her. I cried the entire ride back home and the tears have pretty much not stopped since. I am trying to keep it together at work but it is so hard. I compose myself and then out of no where the realization that she is gone hits me so hard and I lose it again. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is her laying in the middle of the road. I try to look at all her pictures to get that image of her out of my mind.
She was a perfectly healthy 9 year old kitty with the most beautiful, shiny, and softest coat of fur I have ever felt. She was very vocal and when I would walk into the room that she was in she would purr so loud it could be heard from across the room. My husband rescued her and her brother as tiny 4-5week old kittens out of a garage at an abandoned home construction. They were supposed to be garage kitties but we soon persuaded him to let them in the house. Her brother was also tragically hit by a car a little over 7 years ago. It was almost the exact same spot I found my sweet Lilly.
At the time of her death she was 1 of 7 cats but she held a sweet spot in my heart. Probably because I felt so sorry for her as all the other cats bullied her and picked on her. I always worried about her especially when she would be gone for few days. I would often go out late at night with my flashlight and call for her and walk about the property. Sometimes I would find her and some times she would not show up until the next morning. She would be hollering at the door so loudly when she was ready to come in. My husband would always get angry with me and tell me to let her be a cat and she would be fine. I am sure the neighbors thought I was crazy outside at midnight walking around calling for her. But after her brother was killed I had terrible anxiety. It has really only been a few months since my anxiety subsided a bit and then this happens. Now it will be at an all time high again. My guilt is eating me up right now. If only I would have let her stay inside that morning she would still be here and I could cuddle with her again and hear her sweet meow and her soothing purr.
I cannot find any comfort. When my dogs have passed they have were old and suffering and in pain. I could find a tiny amount of comfort knowing they were no longer suffering. With Lilly I don't have that. She was not sick or suffering or in pain. She had so many more years ahead of her and for me to love her. The only thing I have is knowing that she is with her brother again.
I just miss her so much and want her to forgive me. I want to know she is happy and safe. I keep asking her to come to me in my dreams. I sure hope she does soon.
I love you my dear sweet silly Lilly. I will never forget you.


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Stacy072176

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Reply with quote  #2 
The pain is so real. I am just in a trance going through the motions. It feels like a bad dream and I just want to wake up. I am so sorry Lilly. I was supposed to protect you and I failed. Forgive me baby girl. I love you so much. ❤
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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #3 
She’s is soo beautiful, I’m truly sorry for your loss. Never doubt she knew how much you loved her, she still does. Hugs,,,,,
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Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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Stacy072176

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Reply with quote  #4 
Today was the third morning I woke up and you were not sleeping in bed with me. The day before you died I had been mad at you that morning. You started to go to the bathroom on my bedroom floor as I was getting ready. So I picked you up and put you in the litterbox then made you go outside. But when you came home Monday night I thought about letting you in the garage instead of the house. I decided to let you in the house and took you upstairs to the bedroom. I am so thankful that you came home Monday night and thankful that something inside told me to let you in house. It turned out to be the last night we would ever have together and I got to have you sleep with me one more time. I will never forget you my sweet princess.
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Stacy072176

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Posts: 12
Reply with quote  #5 
Today makes it one week since I lost my sweet little Lilly. I think of her constantly from the moment I wake until I fall asleep at night. I can't help thinking about all the what-ifs. What if I had not made her go outside last Tuesday morning? What if my husband would not have went to the hardware store late that afternoon? What if it had not been so cold? I am struggling to understand how this all happened.

I just want to hold my baby again. I miss her so much. One week ago today my world was shattered and my heart was broken.

The vet's office called about an hour ago to let me know her ashes were ready to be picked up. I am not sure how I am going to handle that.
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