amanda
It has been almost two days since I lost my sweet girl Ella. I can't catch my breath. I don't want to breathe. It hurts to breathe. 

Ella is my beautiful, quiet Doberman cross and 4 months ago she was diagnosed with Chronic Renal Failure. After 2 days of fluid treatment, she fought on and gave us some extra time. During those precious months, she was our girl again. I now know that the additional time we had with her was, indeed, her gift to us. She was so sick. Just over a week ago she crashed. She lost two kilos, stopped eating and stopped chasing ball. Her beautiful little body gave up on her. 

On Monday afternoon, curled up in my arms on our sofa, we let her go. My sweet angel left this world with the grace she lived in it. That's who she was. Quiet and full of grace. She came to us as a puppy, unloved and mistreated but rose above it and allowed herself to love and trust us. And I know that was sometimes hard for her. The shadow of her past would creep in; but she never let it win. She always chose the light.  

I miss her so much. I want her back. I want her here with me. I wake from a fractured sleep and for a split second everything is OK. And then I remember and the weight of it crushes me. My little girl, with freckles on her nose, is gone. I feel the weight of her brother Ruben at my side, still with us, still warm and it takes all I have to not pour my tears all over him. But I can't. He lost her too. And I need him to know that he is enough. 

The house is so quiet. So damn quiet. 


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Mistysmama
I know this devastating pain when they have just gone. I am so sorry. I also felt the way you describe.
Dear Ella, she is so beautiful.
You gave her the greatest gift, your love, and the opportunity to learn to trust. You healed her of the pain she had once known, and then forgot, because she lived with love.
Blessings to Ella's Soul, and to you, and to her little brother.
Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
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amanda
Thank you Mistysmama,

I am grateful for every second I got to be with her. But I find, at the moment, time is counted in hours since I lost her. I know what day it is, but in my heart it is 42 hours since she left us. In between the pain there is numbness. She's not coming back. And I can't fathom it. 

Thank you for your kindness. I know you know this pain.
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debcom
 Amanda,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know it hits you so hard,quick  and deeply that you feel like you are drowning  with the loss. I too cried for days trying to make sense of exactly what that loss meant in my life. its hard to make sense of something that seems inconceivable right now.

Your pup Ella, was a beautiful girl, lucky to have such a loving and devoted owner/friend in you.  She will live on in you, in your love and memories of her. You will never be the same , because she touched your life in a way only our furbabies can and we are better people because of them. Be gentle with yourself , talk with people who understand your pain, whether friends or online  and be with your memories .I found a bit of  solace in keeping my Rileys collar close to me and a photo inside my kitchen cabinet .

Take care,
Debbie
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amanda
Thank you Debbie,

I walk my boy Ruben and we walk our path under the pine trees. I carry her harness with me when we go. She was always the one who loved the walked. She dragged old Ruben and I with her, whether we wanted to go or not. You are right, it feels like drowning. When I have to drag myself up, I do so by remembering that we were the exact thing she needed as a baby to overcome her fear; Ruben, my husband Peter and I. And she was exactly what we needed. We were a perfect fit from the start. 

I know I am not alone. But at the moment, I couldn't be more lonely. 
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amanda
Hi Baby Girl,

I have been writing to you, Willie and Rubes on Rube's wall but today is your day. Three years today. 

I miss you, my sweet spirit girl but I know you are in a happy place and I know that you visit here sometimes. I have seen and felt your butterflies and your crow. I know deep in my gut when it's you. It is the strangest feeling but it brings me so much joy. Thank you. 

For all the gifts you gave me during your lifetime and for all the magic you bring now, thank you. To this day you are the bravest being I know. You knew fear and still, you never let it beat you. I witnessed your courage and am forever changed by it.

Rest easy, Ella. Take care of your brother and Willie. They will depend on you as they navigate their new normal. I know you will guide them well. You are a clever, strong girl. I know they are in good hands. 

All my love always and many days more. "I look for you in the wind, I look for you in the sun that still plays across your garden. i love you to the moon and back, my sweet spirit girl." I said those words when you left here. I still say them now. xx
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