jessie22
I can't believe I am on here actually writing about my experience.  I have been on here about a year ago reading...on Wednesday, March 23rd, I laid my sweet cat, Casey to rest.  She was 16 maybe 17.  She lived a full loved life.  I adopted her with my mom when I was 8 in March, I am now 23.  She was my everything; literally.  We were so close, and her eyes were so loving, and looked at you as if she was another person.  She had diabetes, kidney failure, and most likely lymphoma.  We didn't want to go through the testing when the vet was almost certain she had it; and at her age I felt like it wasn't fair to diminish her quality of life for testing.  If she was younger, I would definitely have tested her.  Our vet always said, Look for her 3 favorite things, if she isn't doing 2 out of the 3 of them; maybe consider other options.  

Casey loved her treats, I gave her a lot Tuesday night, and slept on the ground with her in the living room until she went to her bed; then I went to the couch.  When we were at the vet early Wednesday morning and when we finally decided to put her to sleep, she was sedated and I tried giving her one last treat and she tried so hard to eat it.  She did, usually (even the night before) she just gobbles it up, but that day she had trouble because of sedation. 

I feel guilty that I could have kept her longer, but the vet basically said we can do chemotherapy and/or put her on pain meds.  To me it sounded just like a temporary selfish solution to keep her around longer for me. At her age, it seemed like the right thing to do, too.


I miss her so terribly much, I can't stop crying.  The only time I don't is when I am at work and even then every once in awhile I find myself tearing up.  But when I leave I break down.  At home, it is so hard.  Everywhere I turn I feel like I smell her, hear her, and mostly am anticipating to see her.  Her beds and toys are still around; her fur is everywhere.  I don't even want to clean because I want her fur there, I know crazy.  She's all I've ever known, and she moved with me when I moved to a different state when I was in high school.  She is like my baby and best friend.  In the morning I always said, Goodbye Casey I love you so much be a good girl and I will see you later today after work!  Now I can't :( I am waiting for her ashes to come back still, but I have her paw prints and some fur in a bottle.  I say it in the morning but try to just rush out.  It kills me.

I don't know what to do :( I have another cat that is about 6 or 7.  They never got along, and Callie, who I still have likes my mom more than me, and just is totally opposite from Casey.  Its an eerie feeling, and it feels empty and bizarre and quiet without Casey.

Like I said, I never connected to Callie as much as (or nearly as close) I did with Casey, but I almost feel guilty giving Callie attention; like I am disrespecting Casey when I know Casey didn't like her.

Casey, I miss you and love you so so very much.  I hope you are in heaven and I pray all the time that you are with Jesus.  You are greatest gift, and I am so blessed to have been chosen by you (when you kept pushing your paw outside of your kennel at the humane society all those years ago when I wanted the kitten next door to you).  Rest in peace sweet, sweet girl.  I will see you again one day.

Love,
Your Mommy and best friend.
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CK1991
So sorry for your loss! I feel you absolutely did the right thing for Casey. You and Casey had wonderful times together and she had a beautiful life because of your love - which she returned. You proved how much you loved her by letting her go instead of allowing her to live in pain. I think it's wonderful if you connect more with Callie now. Don't feel guilty. You did everything you could for Casey. Now it's time to let Callie know that you do love her too. Casey would want you to be happy and find comfort.
Hugs to you!
CK
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shinjaejun
So sorry for your loss. Sending you love and hugs~
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jessie22
Thank you. I wish she was still here especially knowing I could have taken her back home. But knowing if she had to take pain meds or treatment...at her age it just didn't seem fair. I miss her and it's so hard I can't get myself to get rid of or move stuff. Her fur is everywhere still and that's hard too.

Callie still I think is trying to figure out what happened and if Casey is still here. If a noise occurs she looks over her shoulder because of Casey. Or when she's eating she still sometimes looks over her shoulder. Casey was definitely alpha and made sure Callie knew. I know Callie needs love too it's just hard because they are totally two different kinds of cats and Callie and I don't click even remotely close to have Casey and I were. So it's hard petting (or trying to) Callie knowing Casey isn't here. And I know Casey would want me happy but I just feel like I am dishonoring her or moving on from her by giving Callie attention.
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EM
Yes you certainly have so much to be thankful for. It's also very true though that it's difficult in so many different ways. Indeed though do try your very best to honour your love for all of your pets by caring for those that need you, for you'll show more respect to all of them by doing so. God loves His creation and has divine plans for His beloved animals whom He created, they are safe and cared for by God their Creator, Jesus Christ. I'll continue to pray for God's beloved animals. I'll also say some prayers for you that you gain some peace through this. There's a page on this website that has animal related Bible scriptures on it, so I suggest that you read them. They'll give you comfort and encouragement.
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jessie22
Yes, I am certainly trying to. Callie is laying next to me on the couch right now, I gave her some attention when she was trying to lay on me (she never stays - too squirmy lol).  I do love her - I just was also closer to Casey, who was my childhood to young adult pet.  I prayed before everything happened, and right after.  I still do, and continue to for her to be happy and not in pain.  Do you know by chance where I can find that page?  I can't seem to find it; it seems like there is little talked about animals within the bible, but I do know we are all God's creations.

Thank you for replying back, hearing everyone and even reading other people's stories has helped me with coping.  It is still so so sad, but I trust that it will get easier.
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EM
http://rainbowsbridge.com/Grief_Support_Center/Grief_Support_Home.htm

This page has the link on it.
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EM
Everyone's experience is difficult for sure but you do seem very fortunate for many reasons, because of your faith and your positive attitude. God has blessed you so much.
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jessie22
Thank you for such a quick response with the link! I appreciate it.  And thank you so much for the kind words - my faith has grown immensely over the last year for other reasons (boyfriend had a near death experience, my own desire to, etc).  I'm just glad I'm at a point in my faith where I felt like I could and had to be strong for and with Casey for her to be going to heaven.  I have been doubting lately I ended her life too soon, but I also think I did at a point before her life quickly diminished...she went out with love and dignity.

But today is a good day, I haven't cried yet still! :D  Even when I had to talk to the vet and leave a message with the crematory place for ordering a new urn.  I shocked myself I made it without crying or showing any sort of sadness...probably because I was at work.
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Bailey15
Hi Jessie22,
I'm so sorry for your loss! Casey sounds like such a special kitty! I love that you said she went out with grace and dignity. You did that for her because you loved her so much! :)
I know you feel guilty about giving Callie attention but I think it would be so great if you could allow her to comfort you. I think she is enjoying having your attention. She likely sensed that you were closer with Casey - and that is normal since you basically grew up with Casey.
Animals are so intuitive. My friend rescued a cat. She had a beautiful little dog at the time and said the cat would scratch or bite her so of course she didn't feel close to the cat. When her dog got sick and she had to let him go she was amazed at how her cat reacted. The cat started sleeping with her, close to her head, and staying close by (she was trying to comfort her) My friend said she couldn't believe it was the same cat. I agree with Ck, I don't think you should feel guilty about giving attention to Cally. Casey loved you so much she wouldn't want to see you so sad and would be happy for you to find comfort.
Glad to hear your day was a bit better - grief is such a painful process.
Wishing you peace and brighter days ahead!
Hugs,
MJ
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jessie22
Hi MJ,

She surely was a special kitty! :) She was so sassy yet regal.  I liked to call her Queen (of all cats),  I feel guilty like I should have kept her longer...but also was trying to think of her first and not be selfish.  I wanted her to go out with dignity and not in total horrid pain and sickness if her health was going to just continue to decrease due to her kidney failure, diabetes and (most likely) lymphoma.  

My mom and I also have noticed a difference in the cat box, we would blame Callie thinking she was just a smelly bathroom kitty; but the next day after Casey was gone, the catbox was not nearly as smelly and Callie even used it!  My mom said, See, thats probably because of her kidneys.  Her pee clumps were huge too, whereas Callie's is smaller.  So, maybe Casey was not doing as well as we thought until after and seeing a huge difference.  I don't know.  

I loved hearing your story about your friend.  I am sorry for her loss too, but it is encouraging to know that someone else dealt with a similar situation; I think Callie is warming up slowly but surely.  As I was reading your post she came into my room, I tried to encourage her to come up on my bed but she left...I'm used to Casey being here with me right now.  But it will take time.  She has gotten bolder and is out and about more often already though.  We will see.


Thank you again for your kind words :) Today was a good day, as long as I can keep myself busy.  But tonight, seeing Casey's cat bed and expecting her to come around the corner and hear her, just kind of broke me tonight.  Grieving is a painfully long process, I guess it comes and goes like waves.
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jessie22
Today has been a week since she has gone :(
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