redgirlraven
I feel like I am dying now.  My sweet boy couldn't breathe starting last Wednesday.  I took him to ER they drained his right side of his chest all labs (including fluid from his chest) returned normal.  Took him to cardiologist, they saw a mass, recommended palliative care and euthanasia. He seemed so healthy and happy couldn't do it.  I took him for another opinion go his chest tapped again, scheduled him for a 3,000 dollar overnight (just to get him seen) with fine needle aspiration.  They called and said that the radiologist didn't do the fine needle aspiration because he was felt it was a fluid filled cyst and since we had already tested the fluid from his chest it wouldn't tell us anything new.  So they said the only option was to go in and open his chest surgically and try and remove the cyst.  10,000 more.  I am not rich. Not even a little.  I had to take out a care credit loan just to do what had been done.  I agonized over this.  I am a recently single mother to a grade-school aged child.  But there was hope, hope, I really needed.  I left the hospital after being able to hold him as they gave him the sedation and took him off to surgery.   I left the hospital because my daughter was antsy and hungry and they told me they would call me.  Well they called me to say that there was no normal tissue on the right lung, that it looked like horrible and invasive cancer.  They said they wouldn't be able to get it all.  They said they needed to euthanize. So I wasn't there4 and I let him go under anesthesia.  I was so hopeful I practically skipped out of the hospital.  A cyst!  Was a miracle!  I was going to put us in the poor house.  I mean really the poor house.  I maxed my only out two credit cards and now have a 10,000 care credit debt.  I have no idea how I will pay it and my baby is gone.  I am devastated.  I don't know how I will move forward from this ever. And after all of it, I left the hospital and wasn't there when he passed.  I thought I would be able to hold him again. 
This was the kitty who got me through my one pregnancy that survived.  I was on bed rest and vomiting for 8 of the nine months and he was with me every step of the way.  I wouldn't have made it without him.  I feel like I gained him.  He was only 9.  I should have let him die at home (home euthanasia) he was terrified of cages and hospitals and he spent two whole nights in the hospital without me.  I hate myself. I hate myself, I hate myself. Now I have let him down and let down my daughter by spending money I didn't have chasing a miracle. I suck.
AR
Quote 0 0
Memories_of_Marmalade

Dear AR,

Oh darling, please don't blame yourself. You went the full distance sweetie. All the way to try and save your beloved. That is very admirable and honorable. You did your absolute best to try and save him. You placed your trust in the hands of medical professionals. You did what you felt was best at the time to save your sweet boy, who had saved you during your tough pregnancy. As for may of us, it was truly a "damned if you do, damned if you don't situation." And you must have been beyond exhausted at the time too, trying to make life or death making decisions. You did your best to save him.

Please be gentle with yourself. We are all heartbroken for you. : *** ( 

Kind regards,
James
Quote 0 0
just_lost
I'm truly sorry for your loss, AR - your story is just heartbreaking, and I don't know what words might help even a little bit.  It seems that you did everything you could possibly do - and more - to save your baby.  You went to extraordinary lengths to help him because you love him dearly, and that makes you an absolutely wonderful person.

I hope you can find just a bit of comfort and healing here.  I joined yesterday after one of our five babies crossed the Rainbow Bridge, and I've found nothing but support.  As James said, please don't blame yourself - you're wonderful.
Quote 0 0
BlairS
Hey AR.  Nobody can question your love for your friend, and you did what you thought was right in the moment based on that love.  This forum is filled with people second guessing the choices they made.  I do it myself all the time.  I worry I did not do enough, that I gave up on my friend too soon.  I could have afforded more treatments, maybe I could have kept her a while longer.  Quality of life maybe not so much though.  Certainly I would give everything to have her back now, but life does not work that way.  I did what I thought was best for her then, and now I'm sad because maybe I did not do what was best for me.  It sounds like you tried your best with your boy's interests at heart and it did not work out.  That's really all we can do, and there is no point in hating yourself for that.  

My sincere condolences and well wishes.

Blair


Quote 0 0
Memories_of_Marmalade

Blair said:

"This forum is filled with people second guessing the choices they made.  I do it myself all the time.  I worry I did not do enough, that I gave up on my friend too soon.  I could have afforded more treatments, maybe I could have kept her a while longer.  Quality of life maybe not so much though.  Certainly I would give everything to have her back now, but life does not work that way.  I did what I thought was best for her then, and now I'm sad because maybe I did not do what was best for me."

Spot on Blair. I totally concur. As others have posted and shared here, it seems that no matter what choice you make: to continue treatment and try and save our beloved's, or to stop treatment to try and end our beloved's pain & suffering, you are damned to second guess your decision either way. It is a no-win scenario. Unless by some miracle they do pull through from additional treatment. Which does occur, but not all the time.

" I did what I thought was best for her then, and now I'm sad because maybe I did not do what was best for me."

I was thinking the same thing. I could only think of my cat Marmalade's potential pain & suffering and what was possibly to come. I did not think of the ramifications of what might "be best for me" personally and mentally. And choosing to not go the distance like AR did. It seems like we are doomed either way. Unless we roll those dice and come up with a 7. : (  I live with guilt, regret and remorse every moment of the day now.


Quote 0 0
Jcunnane
I am so truly sorry for your loss. I completely know what it’s like to want to go the distance for your baby and you did. You did everything you could have with all the best intentions. We count on these doctors for their medical advice. I too had a glimmer of hope when I left my dear baby at the hospital. Sadly, the hope was lost after a mere 24 hours. Please go easy on yourself. You did what you thought was best. Your baby boy knows you love him very much. There’s many people who wouldn’t have even thought about spending anywhere close to what you did.

Like your baby, my Bubby helped me through a very challenging pregnancy and 4th trimester. He slept with me every night in the couch because I couldn’t sleep in our bed. He laid next to me on the floor every time I nursed our daughter. Your boy loves you and will continue to love you. He knows you did everything in your power to give him a fighting chance.

I’m so sorry you have to go through this. This is honestly the worst experience I have gone through, even losing my estranged father.

Today was 1 weeks since losing my Bubby and I felt so alone these past few days I called a pet caregiver grieving hotline. They’re going to call me weekly to check in. Please if you need someone to talk to we’re all here. If you would like the hotline, please let me know. They helped me validate my feelings when I felt like nobody wanted to hear about my cat passing. Because he just wasn’t a cat, he was my rock.

You’re in my thoughts and please take it easy on yourself. I’m here if you need to talk.

Hugs, Jackie

Bubby's (Milo) Mommy - Always & Forever My Little Man 💜

Quote 0 0
Jenniferhiggs1221
Redgirlraven
So very sorry for your loss.i can relate as well as i just had to make the decision for my sweet orange tabby reeses on june 5 .it started with me comming home and him all of a sudden being unable to walk..taking him to vet..that led to xrays and surgey for back leg amputation.which i was gonna have done cause thats what he needed..that turned into day of surgery..no surgery because he was anemic and needed blood transfusion..led to taking him to er vet for that only to find out his other leg was broken but fixable with a plate and alot of recovery..they suggested euthanize..i said hell no bring me my cat right now im taking him home..two more days i had him at home suffering..crying and growling in pain while i tried to figure out how to make this work wih money situation..if i wouldve cleaned out my bank account i wouldv been 1000 short for all the surgeries.pain meds.transfusuin..and recovery..he was in so much pain i hated myself for making him go through it all.but i was trying my hardest to help him get better..i scheduled his surgery and just said screw it..ill figure out how to get the rest of th money after..but matter what he had to have it..he was my baby..i had been paying for vet visits prior just for them to tell me no good news but i wasnt listeninh..i wantef him better..the day of his scheduled surgery they went ahead and sedated him to get xrays of his other body parts and organs to make sure he would be ok and it would be worth putting him througj everythinh he would need.immediatly the dr came in to say he had cancer and a huge mass on his liver.i was devastated..she said the surgeons wouldnt want to operate on his legs because of the condition he was in..so what then..what was mu options?take him back home in a cage with two broken legs and watch him cry in pain when he has to move to us the bathroom..and let him keep using the bathroom on himself cause he cant movce..it felt like no matter how much i would pay to help him..nobody would help me..they said it would be too much..so i had to make the absolute hardest decision ive ever made in my life..to not let my sweetheart suffer anymore than i already did..and immediatly i hated myself for it..and mad at the world i had to do it.along with the guilt of..i shouldve taken him somewhere else and they wouldve helped him..or the vet was lying they juat didnt wanna help him..i felt like i took my babys life when we couldve been fine..the guilt is eating me alive and i still feel so bad about the decision i made..so i understand..its been 15 days now and i dont feel any better.i think the guilt is the worst and i dont know what to do to make it go away..but like me .u should know you did all you could for your baby and he knows it and you wouldve went even furrther if nessacsry.
Quote 0 0
redgirlraven
My Sweet Roary.  It's almost a new year.  A new decade, and you are not with me.  I don't know if I will ever be better.  I am so sad to face this new year without you.  I lost Orange thins year too, and I feel guilty I am not as devastated by her death, but there was something so pure, so deep about your love for me and mine for you.  I hurt.  I long for you.  I want my Sweet Roary back.
I'm crying again.
Please, Please send me a sign - I need to know you are somewhere and I need forgiveness for all of the mistakes I made during your life, and in your final days.  I was so dumb.  Just dumb.  I am ashamed of myself.  I could have done better.  I knew better, I did.  I just made horrible choices.  Please Sweet Roary, forgive me.
AR
Quote 0 0
redgirlraven
My Sweet Roary,
 Tomorrow will be a year since I was forced to let you go.  I hold your brother in my arms almost every night as I watch television before ebed and tell him how sorry I am you are gone.  He still calls for you.  I miss you.  I love you.  I am dreading tomorrow.  I ache for you.  Literally ache.  In so many ways this has been the absolute worst year of my entire life.  I have lost so very much this year.  Immeasurable loss.  The loss of you was so gut wrenching made worse by my horrible decisions surrounding your care and the end of life choices I made.  I wanted so desperately to save you, but you need up alone and scared which is never what I wanted for you, my sweetest boy.  I am so very sorry.  I would gather up everything I lost this year and gladly give it all away to have you back!  I wish I could cuddle you in my lap again.  I want a Roary head bump.  I even want a painful Roary love bite.  I want my Roary yowl. Oh Roary I wish I could say I found peace this year.  I didn't.  I pray there really is a place where I get to see you again where we will both be free from pain.  I love you sweet boy. All of my love my sweetest Roary, your mommy loves you.
AR
Quote 0 0
Memories_of_Marmalade
Dear Anne,

I am thinking about you and your lost Roary and will be saying a special prayer for you both tonight.

I am so sorry and saddened for what you are still coping with. But it is a testament to all the love and affection you held and still hold for your lost boy.

: *** /

You are right...it has been such a tough, tough year. In a strange way it seems fitting that the entire World has gone mad in a way, as our own personal World's have not been the same since our boys departed. I know this is a bizarre thought and somewhat selfish of me to think that way. But before all of the insanity began this past March? I wanted to tell the entire Planet "Don't you know what has happened? I lost my boy? My Marmalade is gone?" And no one would listen except here on this forum. Where I found wonderful, warm, kind, loving, understanding, and compassionate people such as yourself Anne. 

Thank you for being here and sharing some of your story with us.

XOXO,
James
Quote 0 0