Ness0703

My Chandler Bing at happier times!

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So my loyal companion & little buddy since I was 18 yrs old (I'm 30 now) is gone. I had to make the heart breaking decision to put him down yesterday evening. He hadn't eaten in 2 days & barely had any water the last day. Was no longer responding to my calls, moving at a snails pace & just looking at me desperately miserable. I knew it was finally time. I did my best to keep him comfortable in the hours leading to his appt. He wasn't eating even his favorite treats so the only other thing that i thought could maybe bring him even the smallest amount of pleasure I tried... peanut butter. It took some effort, but I did manage to get him to lick a spoon full. I just pet him, held him & stared at him realizing that this little fur baby of mine was about to leave me.

He had been by my side my entire adult life. I got him as a birthday gift from my dad so I wouldn't be alone at college. So we went through college life together, living in different cities, he was there when I met my husband, got my first real job & had my 2 babies. The last little reminder of who i was then still by my side & i couldn't believe that I had to say goodbye. Walking out the door for the last time was excruciating, but we were off to end his misery.

By simply listening to his heart, the Dr. said he hadn't heard a heart murmur that bad in a long time. It was stage 5 out 6 & he had a lot of fluid in his lungs & stomach. He said there could be some treatment,but that he couldn't guarantee anything. As much as I wanted to treat him, I couldn't do that to him. He didn't have the fight left in him & it would be selfish of me to make him try since even the Vet said he was a very sick dog.

He went peacefully with me stroking his face telling him how much i loved him & what a good boy he was. The Dr. was wonderful, but I don't know how i will get this moment out of my head. The letting him go part. Every sec is so vividly replaying in my head. He didn't want to be on a blanket, he wanted to be leaning against me. Didn't put even the slightest struggle as they prepped him. The grunt that he had the last day just suddenly went silent & his eyes drifted in a daze. Dr. said he had a faint heart beat, but that it would stop soon. I was already bawling my eyes out, but suddenly I found it hard to catch my own breath as I knew what was coming. A moment later the Dr. said as he listened to his last heart beat "and here it goes...." before he paused & gently put his hand on mine as he said "he's gone, I'm so sorry". I completely lost it. The doctor & his aide were worried for me as I drove myself so my husband could watch our toddler & baby. I assured them I would sit in my car for a while before I felt well enough to leave. 

Now this moment keeps coming to me & I have continued to cry all day. My husband was sweet & made sure to get everything of Chandler's out of sight by the time I got back as I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. Even though he did that, I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me. Ive thought I heard him eating where his bowls use to be, scratching at the door wanting to come in or thinking I actually saw him at the corner of my eye. So this is where I am in the grieving stage. Very raw, very fresh & praying I can get through it. Sorry for this being so long, but I had to get it all out again. I had never heard of the Rainbow Bridge or what it was until yesterday & as hard as it is to know he's gone, I find great comfort thinking that is where he is. I'll meet you at the bridge someday my sweet boy!
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Bailey15
Your story is so lovely (though sad) in the sense that you spent so much time with Chandler Bing and you loved him and gave him such a good life. It is so unfair that our pets are here for such a short time relative to ours and it is so painful to have say good bye. You gave your best friend the greatest gift when you recognized that he was ready and you took his pain away by letting him go - even though it meant you would feel devastated after he has been a big part of your life for such a long time.
I had to say good bye to my little guy, Bailey 4 months ago. He was 15 (almost 16) and he stopped eating. After many vet visits in less than 2 weeks we had to make that same awful decision that it was time to let him go. I remember every detail as well. His head was in my hand and I felt the tension go out of it. The vet didn't say anything so I asked: Is he gone? And the vet said yes. I looked at him wrapped in his favorite blanket and for a split second I wanted to grab him and run but instead I had to walk out the door with my husband and then became completely hysterical.
I feel that our stories are similar and I can really relate to the pain you are feeling. It does get better with time though I feel my heart is still with Bailey.
I love your picture of Chandler Bing! He is so adorable. I'm so very sorry for your huge loss!
Sending you hugs,
MJ :)
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Sampson
Such a cute boy! It's so nice that you posted his picture. I am so sorry for your loss!
Hugs to you,
S.
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Evie123
Ness, I am so sorry about your beautiful boy. It is unbearably hard and I was rightly warned about 'monster grief'. He was so lucky to have you to love him his whole life, as he loved you and your family. There is no way around the pain we all on here have, we just have to let the tears flow and the sadness to remind us of how lucky we were to have lived our special friends so deeply. You are not alone or mad, you are heartbroken and grieving. I told Molly I'm carrying her round in my heart, I talk to her, making a memory book and drinking too much wine! I hope you manage to find some way to get through this, if you do let me know! Love and hugs to you my friend. X
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Ness0703
Thank you MJ! Our stories are very similar indeed & I am also so sorry for your loss of Bailey. <3 I so appreciate you taking the time to respond & assurance it will get better in time. I'm new to this whole thing & I'm not even sure I knew what I wanted from posting this, but it does actually feel better to know I'm not alone in my pain. I know it will take time, but just as you said- I also know my heart will still be with Chandler & his sweet face forever! 


Bailey15 wrote:
Your story is so lovely (though sad) in the sense that you spent so much time with Chandler Bing and you loved him and gave him such a good life. It is so unfair that our pets are here for such a short time relative to ours and it is so painful to have say good bye. You gave your best friend the greatest gift when you recognized that he was ready and you took his pain away by letting him go - even though it meant you would feel devastated after he has been a big part of your life for such a long time. I had to say good bye to my little guy, Bailey 4 months ago. He was 15 (almost 16) and he stopped eating. After many vet visits in less than 2 weeks we had to make that same awful decision that it was time to let him go. I remember every detail as well. His head was in my hand and I felt the tension go out of it. The vet didn't say anything so I asked: Is he gone? And the vet said yes. I looked at him wrapped in his favorite blanket and for a split second I wanted to grab him and run but instead I had to walk out the door with my husband and then became completely hysterical. I feel that our stories are similar and I can really relate to the pain you are feeling. It does get better with time though I feel my heart is still with Bailey. I love your picture of Chandler Bing! He is so adorable. I'm so very sorry for your huge loss! Sending you hugs, MJ :)
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Ness0703
Thank you so much Sampson! He was indeed & I love that picture bc he looks so happy. That's the way I prefer to think of him vs how he looked at the end. Even though he still was cutest little thing ever until his last breath, the sadness was painfully obvious. Gosh I'm going to miss him so much! 

Sampson wrote:
Such a cute boy! It's so nice that you posted his picture. I am so sorry for your loss! Hugs to you, S.
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Ness0703
Wow Evie123, your words hit like a hammer to a nail. Thank you for your kindness & honesty about this grief we all feel. I'm terribly sorry for your loss of Molly! I found myself talking to Chandler as i sat outside last night alone, drinking wine & looking at "his" yard. I swore I could hear him walking through the grass & coming around the corner. The yard seemed so big & empty. We never used it, the patio yes, but the yard was his & now the idea of it sitting unused kills me. So I'm trying to think of ways we can make it more inviting & usable for our family turning it into a happy space where will think of him fondly instead of just staring at the emptiness without him. If I find a way, ill for sure let you know. Until then, we just have to do the best we can. Sending lots of hugs & love your way! 



Evie123 wrote:
Ness, I am so sorry about your beautiful boy. It is unbearably hard and I was rightly warned about 'monster grief'. He was so lucky to have you to love him his whole life, as he loved you and your family. There is no way around the pain we all on here have, we just have to let the tears flow and the sadness to remind us of how lucky we were to have lived our special friends so deeply. You are not alone or mad, you are heartbroken and grieving. I told Molly I'm carrying her round in my heart, I talk to her, making a memory book and drinking too much wine! I hope you manage to find some way to get through this, if you do let me know! Love and hugs to you my friend. X
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