Thursday September 26th at 6:05pm my 14 year old baby boy Bandit passed away in my arms. My husband had left to pick us up some dinner and I was setting out plates. I walked into the bathroom about 5 to 10 seconds after Bandit did and he had collapsed down to his front elbows. I immediately picked him up and started CPR, but it wasn't working. I grabbed the phone, frantically called my husband and restarted CPR, still nothing was happening. I screamed at God. I cursed at God. Nothing was happening. His little chihuahua body was limp. My husband was now beside me. I refused to give-up. I kept up the CPR until my husband dragged me away screaming at the top of my lungs. I grabbed the sharpest thing I could see, a piece of glass from a picture frame, my husband had to restrain me to get it out of my hands. My plan from the beginning has always been, when Bandit dies, I will die.
I suffer from mental illness. I have told my Psychiatrist, my mother and my husband that that was my plan. When Bandit dies, I would follow. Within the 6+ months preceding his death, we found out that his heart murmur was more severe than we were originally told. His heart was about 2x's the size it should be, he had hypothyroidism and Cushings. When I wasn't crying I was angry at my vet for not telling us that we had an option for getting an echocardiogram for him, if I would have known, I would have done that much sooner. I was angry at myself, if I hadn't been setting out plates and walked in on him 10 seconds sooner, maybe he would be alive.
I didn't speak for the first week and a half following his death. My husband hid all of the sharp objects in the house, I had been using the razor to cut myself from wrist to elbow. I still have nightmares. I tried to walk out into traffic. I have been eating up to about 200-300 calories a day since. I talk to Bandit every day and wish nothing more than to be with him. I loved and love him with every fibre of my being. I hesitate to write some of the things that I am going through right now because I don't know how anyone who sees this will react. I have spent some time on this board reading others stories and feeling connected. We have two other dogs and I feel guilty that I spend so much time thinking about Bandit that I don't give them the attention they need.
May we meet again soon my sweet baby