ChihuahuaMom Show full post »
ChihuahuaMom
99 days. 2,376 hours. 142,560 minutes. 14 weeks. 3 1/4 months.

So this is my life now.  Just trying to get by from moment to moment. Each day feeling the same. Telling myself to sleep as much as I can so that I don't think about it...and then the dreams come. i have to accept that I'm never going accept him no longer being here. This is no quality of life, what am I supposed to do with that?  I am so broken, I just want to get death over with so that he and I can be together. I can close my eyes and feel the weight of his little body in my arms as I hold him. I can feel his head resting on my neck as he would fall asleep at night.  I can hear his adorable little snores. I am lost and nothing without my child.  I don't know how i can be expected to go any further from this point. The light that illuminated my heart with pure joy has been extinguished.

IMG_3993.jpg 
Bandit's mommy

-------------------------

5/14/2005-9/26/2019
May we meet again soon my sweet baby
Quote 0 0
ChihuahuaMom
So I haven't been updating for a while because I've really been struggling.  I can't stop reliving that moment that led me to my baby Bandit and his last moments.  I keep thinking, would if I wasn't in the kitchen?  I could have been by his side sooner and may have been able help and prevent his passing some how. Then I start thinking of my behavior as it was happening.  I was screaming and cursing God, begging him not to take my baby from me.  I should have had composure, held and stroked his little head and tell him that every thing is going to be alright and how much I love him. I probably made the last moments of my child's life horrible and scary.  I can't forgive myself for that nor should I.  I was recently triggered and have started cutting again.  It has come to the attention to those closest to me that Bandit was all I felt I had to hold onto and now there is nothing.  In-patient treatment centers are now being spoken of.

IMG_3629.jpg 
Bandit's mommy

-------------------------

5/14/2005-9/26/2019
May we meet again soon my sweet baby
Quote 0 0
Brightstar
Please listen to me you are not to blame for anything I promise xx He loved you so much and still does and only yesterday I had to say goodbye to my baby and I’m struggling I keep crying and won’t eat and the pain is killing me. One thing I do know is that our babies are out of pain and I believe with Jesus and we will see them again. He wouldn’t want his mum blaming herself he would want you to remember him and smile, as hard as it it and I know it’s hard 😢 please take are of yourself and as I’m saying that I know I need to do the same but all you lovely people on this forum help me remember I’m not alone and talking helps. Try. It to torture yourself over the what ifs because he wouldn’t want that 😢 I hope you find comfort in knowing your not alone in your grief and you’ll see him again one day and at this moment he’s with Jesus and happy and out of pain. Lots of love Emma Akira’s mum xxx
Quote 0 0
ChihuahuaMom
Brightstar,
Thank you so very much for your comforting words. I am so very sorry for your loss! if you were here I would give you a huge hug to let you know that we are there for you 😉 I think when I get into these spiraling states of depression, just knowing that there are people out there going through the exact same thing it brings me solace knowing that we  are all in this together.

More that anything I always try to look for little signs that he is still around me somehow and pray that we will meet again someday soon, and it will be the happiest day of my life.  There is no pain like the pain of losing a child :(
Bandit's mommy

-------------------------

5/14/2005-9/26/2019
May we meet again soon my sweet baby
Quote 0 0
Brightstar
We loved them and still love them and they are happy and it’s only us that have to try to live without them which hurts but i try to tell myself everyday...have faith...he’s happy and in the most wonderful place and believe in the Lord Jesus that having faith and comfort in knowing we will see them again will help us all heal 💖 Be kind to yourself, I’m trying too! X If you ever need to talk I’m here 😊 xxx
Quote 0 0
ChihuahuaMom
i have had a really bad  couple of days.  wondering...what if i would have done this, or handled this better.  I'm in a deep depression and feel like I can't go on without my child in my life 
:(  I'm having suicidal thoughts.  I will talk to my Psychiatrist tomorrow. I feel life is not worth living
Bandit's mommy

-------------------------

5/14/2005-9/26/2019
May we meet again soon my sweet baby
Quote 0 0
Gmr
I am so sorry for your loss and your deep depression you are feeling. If you can don't wait until tommorow to talk to your Psychiatrist. Please call a suicide hotline number in your area or get yourself to an emergency room. You need to take care of yourself now. Its what your baby Bandit would want you to do. Even though you cannot see her she is there with you. She loves you very much. Hugs
Quote 0 0
DogMom86
ChihuahuaMom: I am so sorry you are depressed. I have been through depression and anxiety before and if you feel you are in danger of hurting yourself can you have someone stay with you until you can get to a hospital? Bandit would not want you to hurt yourself or to fall into a depression, although I understand losing them is one of the hardest events we will ever have to deal with. Are you taking medication? If so, please be sure to take it. I know it's easy to slip when the grieving process is so fresh. If you really feel in danger call 9-1-1 and have them come get you so you can be checked into a hospital. Life is worth it, difficult as it is after losing our babies. They are still with us and would want us to keep living.
Mija, Chihuahua: 2004-2019
16 years
London, Golden Retriever: 2005-2020
15 years

Mom to Misty, Sango, Tami, Abby, Kawaii and Pepita the Chihuahua

Quote 0 0
chilover
Please know that you have lots of support on here..I cry still every day & ever since I lost my Chihuahua 'Daisy'! We will all get through this together - Our beautiful beloved fur babies will live on through us & we will always keep their memory alive..

Sending you comfort.

Hugs

Angelina
Quote 0 0
632154
I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious Bandit and that you are in such a depressive state prayers sent to you Bandit is watching over you. God Bless please read these passages of scripture they will help you with your depression. Psalm 34:4 psalm40:1&2 and psalm 43:5
Quote 0 0
ChihuahuaMom
I don't know what to say to all of you.  in an extremely low moment of my life I suddenly find myself surrounded by amazing people from all over reassuring me that they understand just what I'm going through.  Your thoughts, comments and prayers truly mean the world to me.  
Bandit's mommy

-------------------------

5/14/2005-9/26/2019
May we meet again soon my sweet baby
Quote 0 0
Brightstar
Godbless xx we are all suffering a loss and we are all here for one another
Quote 0 0
632154
We are all here for you hugs
Quote 0 0
ChihuahuaMom
My Sweet Little Man,

I can't believe it's been four months now since you have crossed the bridge.  I want nothing more than for you to be happy and pain-free, how I wish I was with you.  I sat on the bathroom floor where it happened and remembered it all so vividly, like it had all just taken place.  i feel so alone without you by my side anymore. Please know that your mommy loves and thinks about you every moment.  I love you Bandit...always.

IMG_E3042.jpg 
Bandit's mommy

-------------------------

5/14/2005-9/26/2019
May we meet again soon my sweet baby
Quote 0 0
ChihuahuaMom
My panic attacks have been coming back with some frequency.  No one has actually said this, but I get this feeling that it's expected that I should be better or recovered (if this is the right word) by now.  It's probably me being paranoid but I feel so hopeless.  I feel like it just happened, like I just lost him.

I don't if anyone has ever experienced this (as it could just be a part of my mental illness), but I keep seeing it happen.  It's like I'm a person in a theater and I'm sitting there just watching myself trying to give him CPR and screaming and I can just see his tiny little body laying there.  I see it happening right in front me, just reliving the nightmare, except I'm awake.

Of coarse I start to panic.  I cuddle with his urn, we had one made in the shape of a Chihuahua and painted to look like him.  When I get sad I snuggle it and try to pretend it's him.  I'll lay out pictures on the bed and bring up pictures of him on my computer.  I just sit there looking at everything thinking of all of the ways I should have handled it better. I don't know how to continue on without my baby.
Bandit's mommy

-------------------------

5/14/2005-9/26/2019
May we meet again soon my sweet baby
Quote 0 0