ChihuahuaMom
Thursday September 26th at 6:05pm my 14 year old baby boy Bandit passed away in my arms.  My husband had left to pick us up some dinner and I was setting out plates.  I walked into the bathroom about 5 to 10 seconds after Bandit did and he had collapsed down to his front elbows.  I immediately picked him up and started CPR, but it wasn't working. I grabbed the phone, frantically called my husband and restarted CPR, still nothing was happening. I screamed at God. I cursed at God. Nothing was happening. His little chihuahua body was limp.  My husband was now beside me. I refused to give-up.  I kept up the CPR until my husband dragged me away screaming at the top of my lungs.  I grabbed the sharpest thing I could see, a piece of glass from a picture frame, my husband had to restrain me to  get it out of my hands.  My plan from the beginning has always been, when Bandit dies, I will die.
 
I suffer from mental illness.  I have told my Psychiatrist, my mother and my husband that that was my plan.  When Bandit dies, I would follow.  Within the 6+ months preceding his death, we found out that his heart murmur was more severe than we were originally told.  His heart was about 2x's the size it should be, he had hypothyroidism and Cushings. When I wasn't crying I was angry at my vet for not telling us that we had an option for getting an echocardiogram for him, if I would have known, I would have done that much sooner. I was angry at myself, if I hadn't been setting out plates and walked in on him 10 seconds sooner, maybe he would be alive.
 
I didn't speak for the first week and a half following his death.  My husband hid all of the sharp objects in the house, I had been using the razor to cut myself from wrist to elbow. I still have nightmares. I tried to walk out into traffic. I have been eating up to about 200-300 calories a day since.  I talk to Bandit every day and wish nothing more than to be with him. I loved and love him with every fibre of my being.  I hesitate to write some of the things that I am going through right now because I don't know how anyone who sees this will react.  I have spent some time on this board reading others stories and feeling connected.  We have two other dogs and I feel guilty that I spend so much time thinking about Bandit that I don't give them the attention they need.
bandit copy.jpg 
 
Bandit's mommy

-------------------------

5/14/2005-9/26/2019
May we meet again soon my sweet baby
Quote 0 0
gizmomybaby
Iam so so sorry to here the loss of your baby boy bandit, I was the same when I lost my baby boy gizmo I also suffer mental health, it's the most horrendous pain ever , I just lost another boy 2 month ago Reggie and am realy struggling in my grief to x bandit was a beutiful boy I love his picture plz know am thinking of you's at this hard hard time and understand your pain x
Quote 0 0
chilover
I am so unbelievably  sorry to hear about your beautiful Bandit!

what a little darling..

I am so with you and my heart goes out to you!
there is no pain in the world like it I agree, and you will never, ever be judged
on this forum because we are all united! We all support you and feel your pain..

i am hurting so much right now.
i lost my chihuahua too.  Her name Daisy..

Please stay in touch with us on here, it is so comforting and friendly just when we need it most..

I send you love and comfort and a hug..

Angelina.   
Quote 0 0
Matthew
ChihuahuaMom -

Dont give up. I lost my Twinkie at almost 16 years and said to myself that when she went, life for me would be over. And it technically has been since October 7th. But it gets easier every day. I dont have other dogs to find solace in but you do and they need their mom 100% as much as Bandit did. So dont give up on them. 
Quote 0 0
ChihuahuaMom
gizmomybaby wrote:
Iam so so sorry to here the loss of your baby boy bandit, I was the same when I lost my baby boy gizmo I also suffer mental health, it's the most horrendous pain ever , I just lost another boy 2 month ago Reggie and am realy struggling in my grief to x bandit was a beutiful boy I love his picture plz know am thinking of you's at this hard hard time and understand your pain x


gizmomybaby,

Thank you so much for your kind words.  I am so sorry to hear about Gizmo and now Reggie. The pain we feel is unbearable.  In a strange way I feel like it's important to feel that pain, almost like I deserve it for not being there sooner in his time of need.
Bandit's mommy

-------------------------

5/14/2005-9/26/2019
May we meet again soon my sweet baby
Quote 0 0
Ralphie
I am so sorry for your loss of your loved one. I know your pain so well. I lost my Chihuahua, Ralphie one month ago and he was my one and only dog for almost 15 years. He had been seriously ill for a long time because of an adverse reaction to a vaccine and was put to sleep in my lap. I just wanted to die with him. I rescued him when he was 9 weeks old. When I lost my husband nearly 11 years ago (he was killed on the highway), Ralphie helped pull me through all of that. He got got me through all of my other losses in life and the last 5 years we had lived alone together and alone for each and every holiday. I was able to accept the other losses because he was with me, and I was very aware of that. It seemed that when he wasn't well, we grew even closer if that was possible. He needed a great deal of care because of his life threatening illness but knowing full well was what is in future, ultimately didn't help me at all. I still felt like I was in shock the first week, couldn't eat, drink or barely sleep....got sick from it all. I feel tremendous guilt as I have never had to euthanize an animal before. He had a severe breathing problem and was turning blue, could no longer eat. And now that he is gone, I feel completely lost and the grief is overwhelming. I have no family at all now. He WAS my family in every sense of the word. I can't wait to see him again.

May somehow peace be with you.
RLM
Quote 0 0
gizmomybaby
Thank you so much , I think wee beat ourselfs up alot to and it's hard when you come across people that don't understand, plz beleave me when I say I feel your pain it's a deep horrible pain the loss of your baby plz know this is the best wee site to be on it helped me so much over 2 years ago when I lost my gizmo x sending hugs xx
Quote 0 0
ChihuahuaMom
Ralphie wrote:
I am so sorry for your loss of your loved one. I know your pain so well. I lost my Chihuahua, Ralphie one month ago and he was my one and only dog for almost 15 years. He had been seriously ill for a long time because of an adverse reaction to a vaccine and was put to sleep in my lap. I just wanted to die with him. I rescued him when he was 9 weeks old. When I lost my husband nearly 11 years ago (he was killed on the highway), Ralphie helped pull me through all of that. He got got me through all of my other losses in life and the last 5 years we had lived alone together and alone for each and every holiday. I was able to accept the other losses because he was with me, and I was very aware of that. It seemed that when he wasn't well, we grew even closer if that was possible. He needed a great deal of care because of his life threatening illness but knowing full well was what is in future, ultimately didn't help me at all. I still felt like I was in shock the first week, couldn't eat, drink or barely sleep....got sick from it all. I feel tremendous guilt as I have never had to euthanize an animal before. He had a severe breathing problem and was turning blue, could no longer eat. And now that he is gone, I feel completely lost and the grief is overwhelming. I have no family at all now. He WAS my family in every sense of the word. I can't wait to see him again.

May somehow peace be with you.



I can't even begin to comprehend the loss you feel, not just of your child but of your husband as well. Your words move me.  I told my husband your story of loss and asked if he could imagine what your going through.  He actually said he did, the day my son passed my husband knew what I intended to do next.  I had an entire plan in place so that no matter where his passing occurred, I would have access to something that would enable me to follow quickly after him.  My husband said the reason he sped home and ran all the stop signs was to make sure he was there to prevent me from taking my life. I didn't know what to say to him in return because I still very much have those feelings.




Bandit's mommy

-------------------------

5/14/2005-9/26/2019
May we meet again soon my sweet baby
Quote 0 0
ChihuahuaMom
chilover wrote:
I am so unbelievably  sorry to hear about your beautiful Bandit!

what a little darling..

I am so with you and my heart goes out to you!
there is no pain in the world like it I agree, and you will never, ever be judged
on this forum because we are all united! We all support you and feel your pain..

i am hurting so much right now.
i lost my chihuahua too.  Her name Daisy..

Please stay in touch with us on here, it is so comforting and friendly just when we need it most..

I send you love and comfort and a hug..

Angelina.   


I'm so very sorry to hear about daisy. I can not believe that several months have past, for me, it just happened yesterday.  I cry every day and I also talk to him every day. I just keep cycling through the different stages of grief but there seems no end it site.

To be honest, I don't want it to end...I feel like I need that constant pain. My husband accepted it sometime ago and it baffles me. But as my Physiatrist tells me, everyone experiences grief differently.

Bandit's mommy

-------------------------

5/14/2005-9/26/2019
May we meet again soon my sweet baby
Quote 0 0
ChihuahuaMom
As each day goes by, nothing seems to get better.  It's as though it just happened yesterday. I just keep replaying it in my mind and all I want is to be where he is.  I feel like not only is my mental health deteriorating but my physical health as well. There are only a handful of things that I am able to eat that my body will allow me to keep down. Is anyone else getting things such as migraines, fainting/dizzy spells and nausea?  We have a puppy gate that we keep up that separates the kitchen/dining area. I tripped over it the other day to find out I have two fractured ribs as well as my shoulder. Even that reminds me of my sweet baby boy, I used to always have to look down when I walked because he would get underfoot.

I'm actually getting angry when I see houses decorated for Christmas.  All I can think is, how can you celebrate when my son is no longer here?  Bandit used to love it when the tree was being set up. When it was done he would go sit under it like the little gift he is and his big brown eyes would twinkle from the lights.  My husband and I would call him Christmas dog.  I miss his so much. It hurts.
Bandit's mommy

-------------------------

5/14/2005-9/26/2019
May we meet again soon my sweet baby
Quote 0 0
ChihuahuaMom
My sweet Petunia,

We had so many nicknames for you and swear you answered to every one of them, you clever little boy!  My eyes keep looking at the spot where your pet bed used to be, even though you cuddled with me every night.  I miss the smell of your fur and your breath. I really miss your gentle face baths you would give me when you wanted me to wake up.  I miss you scratching on the corner of the bed when you wanted down and barking exactly twice when you wanted back up. 

I have lived a full life and had many experiences and feel comfortable and would be completely ready to be with you now.  I picture us meeting across the bridge, you barking (I would know your bark in a million), and then you would jump into my arms.  This is my dream. I can close my eyes and picture it. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. I just want to be with my sweet boy.  I pray every night that you are happy and getting everything you could possibly want.  I am also praying that I will see you very soon.  I hope you don't forget your mommy and remember how much I love you my sweet boy. If you ever get a chance to look down at me or give me a sign, please do.  I see parts of you everywhere.

I love and miss you more that you can know,
mommy xoxoxoxoxoxo
Bandit's mommy

-------------------------

5/14/2005-9/26/2019
May we meet again soon my sweet baby
Quote 0 0
Ralphie
Like you, I wish every day to be with my little boy Ralphie again. There is no happiness and nothing here for me any more. The friend or two I have really don't care at this point and they cannot relate to the pain I am feeling. I don't hear from them on Christmas. I have no family so there are no Christmas cards, no good wishes, no gifts, no people and just emptiness. I too am ready to leave this world and be with my dog. He was the only one who spent the holidays with me for the last 4 years. The end of this year is nothing more than a nightmare.
RLM
Quote 0 0
ChihuahuaMom
My dearest sweet Bandit,

I truly hope that you had a very Merry Christmas yesterday. Maybe were able to get some extra of your favorite treats and run around with friends.  I would like to say that I am very sorry for not writing to you on Christmas day. Believe me when I say you are in my prayers and thoughts all day.  If you looked  down at mommy from heaven you probably saw many tears.  After you crossed the bridge I decided I did not want to celebrate any holidays, as they would just remind me of you and with you gone, what is there to celebrate?

I snuggled with your urn for a good part of the day, did a lot of crying and looked through pictures of you.  I still can't believe that you are not with me.  You are my child and my reason for going on and now I feel like I have nothing. The unbreakable bond we have will never be replaced or duplicated.  You are one of a kind and perfect in every way.  I feel as though I have experienced much of what life has to offer and would be so happy if I found out that I could cross the bridge soon and be with you.

Until that happens, please know that not a day or night goes by where I don't think about you, cry for you, pray and try to reach out to you.  I love you so much my little man and I pray that we will see each other again sooner rather than later.  I love you forever and always.


IMG_0462.jpg 






Bandit's mommy

-------------------------

5/14/2005-9/26/2019
May we meet again soon my sweet baby
Quote 0 0
Ralphie
In memory of my Ralphie and my prayers for you, I send you love and healing thoughts. I feel just like you do. I wish I could take away our pain some how but I don't know how.
RLM
Quote 0 0
ChihuahuaMom
My Little Man,

I write to you tonight on New Years Eve while listening to others shooting fireworks outside and waiting to hear the ones at Disney that you would always bark at.  From the first night that we moved to Orlando you would bark at those fireworks every night, as if you were protecting your mommy and daddy from something dangerous. New Year's Eve was always the worst because the fireworks came early and last longer, so your daddy and I would get you in bed bed and try to comfort you while you'd bark at them.  How I miss that bark now. I don't know how my world can suddenly seem so quiet with loud pops and crackles going on outside. I miss the sound of your concerned protective bark. When they were over, you could rest knowing that you had scared them away. My sweet baby boy. I miss you so much!

I hope that maybe in heaven you get to see the pretty fireworks but they make no noise so you won't get worried or scared.  I hope that in your days you have a quick chance to look down to your mommy and know that I never stop thinking of you. As always I look for signs or dreams of you being near me, but I always feel that you are with me. I love you with everything I have and long so much for the day we are reunited.

I love you my baby Bandit!

IMG_0078.jpg 


Bandit's mommy

-------------------------

5/14/2005-9/26/2019
May we meet again soon my sweet baby
Quote 0 0