kenm72
I had my 20 year old cat Sandy put to sleep on Saturday May 28. I called the vet that day to make an appointment for Tuesday, my day off. They had an opening that day so I just swept her off to the vet.

About 2 years ago Sandy stopped using her litter box and would go wherever. A previous vet visit showed she had no infections or ailments of any kind. I ended up putting pee pads down in the many spots she would go. She also loved her water out of the faucet... but that became more often and often. To the point where she was waking me up at night multiple times. I think she was also losing her hearing a bit... and found her looking around like she was lost. Her hind legs were also a bit week. She had become more needy than ever.

Even with all that she was so loving and cuddling. She had to be around me all the time. When I was on the computer she was on the couch behind me. At night she slept next to my head or cuddled up next to my chest. Purring all the time. She seemed happy.

So after putting it off for a year I decided it was time for a visit to the vet. I had made.my mind up a few days before. Those days before I told her I was sorry and hoped she would forgive me. I knew it was time to let go. I put her in her carrying case with no fuss from her and she was quiet the entire way. The vet said we could do different tests for thyroid, kidneys maybe even put her on kitty prozac. But I felt it was time. We spend some time in the room together and she seemed quite calm.

Now all the guilt and the should haves are tearing me up. I didn't hold her when they gave her the sedative. I pet her and looked at her while she was falling asleep but I think she was already asleep. I wanted to stop the Dr after the sedative but I didn't. I didn't hold her when they gave her the barbiturate that stopped her little heart. The Dr looked at me and said she was gone. I lost it. I kissed her head and her nose. Said I was sorry. Gave her kisses like we would do, where I would put my lips to her face and she would do her version of a kiss for kisses. The Dr asked if I wanted to spend time with her alone and I said no. I didn't even opt to keep her ashes! I miss her so much and now I don't even have her ashes. I'm kicking myself so bad. As soon as I got home I threw all her stuff away and took it to the dumpster. All gone... I cleaned... all of her gone. I have nothing if her and I so wished I had her ashes or hair or something.

Well, the last part is only physical. This may sound crazy to some but I believe I am an empath. I can feel positive and negative energy pretty distinctly. The day after she passed away I felt the need to go in the bedroom, I went in and really felt her energy there. i laid down on the bed like I would with her. i felt her say like she is ok, understands and forgives me. and she loves me. also she hasn't met up with shadow and angel (other pets I had) yet but is sure she will and will say hello. Then she told me she had to go, I said I understood. I told her I loved her and I felt her go. I thought AM I CRAZY??? Is my mind playing me?

I also feel peace now in my apartment. Where as before there was this kind of weight, hurting energy , not sure how to explain.

Even with those experiences.... I am so upset I don't have her ashes or any piece of her. Thanks for reading the long post. I have attached a photo of Sandy. This is her at the vet about 20 minutes before she passed.
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camunki
the sweet picture of Sandy is beautiful, such soulful eyes. I am sorry for your loss...and we all go thru the could haves, should haves and would haves I think it is part of the grieving process. And you have to remember you were with Sandy til the end. I think at the "very end" it is hard to think clearly in any way, shape or form. I keep going over the "last minutes" in my mind, thinking I should have held and spoke to my pets longer, see here I go with the "should haves". Please know you did everything that you could and now your baby is free of pain. Remember, you do have pictures of her and maybe put some up around the house for her memory, not sure if you have any of her toys or what not, but those could be keepsakes too. Wishing you strength on this grieving path.

Cam


 
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winstonsmom12
What a beautiful cat Sandy is.  It may not be too late to get her ashes back.  Call your vet right away if you want them.  I wish you luck   Blessings  Sue
Susan
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Steve_F
I agree, maybe there is still time to get the ashes returned to you...it may help with you with healing your broken heart down the road. Wishing you well.
BennysDad

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Bailey15
It sounds like you gave Sandy a wonderful life. It must be so devastating though having to go on without her after 20 years. I wouldn't worry about the ashes - we have Bailey's urn but I know that is not really him. Bailey's spirit is what made him and I know that his spirit is still alive. I think you felt Sandy's spirit and she wanted you to know that everything is okay.
I also want to say that I admire you for not letting her suffer and for having the strength to let her go with grace and dignity.
Wishing you peace,
MJ
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kenm72
Thank you all for the responses. I really appreciate them.
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kenm72
Hello again all. I called the vet today and it's too late to get her ashes :(. I also wished I had kept her fur that was shaved off for the euthenasia line and her whisker that she shed while we were there.. All these should have and wished I had. I miss her so much.
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silvermini3
I am sorry for your loss...maybe you could have a sketch drawing or water color painting done from one of your favorite pictures of her. Did she wear a collar? Maybe make it into a bracelet, if so. 
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Bailey15
Ken,
Sorry to hear that the ashes are gone. Perhaps you could work on some other things to have as a special keepsake to Sandy?
I really love Silvermini3's ideas!
My husband and I are working on a scrapbook for our dog, Bailey. We are including pictures, thoughts about Bailey written by family and friends, his nicknames, donations made in his memory, etc. I just gave a donation to WAP (World Animal Protection) to help the animals affected by the earthquake in Ecuador in his memory so we can include one from his mom and dad as well. Bailey passed in November and we've taken our time because we want this Memory book to be a very special tribute to him and something we will have to look back at and feel close to him.
I guess I am wondering if you might like to so something special for Sandy. I know that her loss is devastating for you so I'm thinking it might help to work on something for her as a keepsake.
Kind regards,
MJ
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kenm72
I really like the sketch idea! All the ideas are good. Thanks so much.

Today is a week since I had to let Sandy go. I am starting to feel at peace knowing she is at peace.
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