My dearest Cookie,

All I wanted when I was younger was a best friend and then I met him. Then you came into my life. There's a saying that a dog is a man's best friend. To me, you were my angel/sunshine/world/darling daughter.

As you know my best friend had a baby almost 2 yrs ago. Due to distance and schedules, I never had a chance to meet the baby. But now that you are gone, I availed myself to their schedule but now they say it's not fair to the baby if we decided to go to the movies for a few hours.  How is that fair yet the few times I traveled to see them (pre baby) that they couldn't see that it wasn't fair to me or to you to pull me away from you? I left you with my husband and his alcohol problem. I had him send me texts of you eating dinner and drinking. I never left you for more than 2 nights but how I incessantly worried over you and making sure that you were looked well after. I even made sure to go when my in laws were in town so I had extra hands/eyes caring for you.

But now that you left me, I have all the free time in the world.  Correction. You didn't leave me.  You were ill and the possibility of you making a comeback was low. So I did the unthinkable and my heart won't reconcile with my mind and a part of me will always feel like I pushed you away too soon.  That a part of me even feels like I killed you. And for what? For my own selfish reasons? Because my so called best friend kept bullying me to visit their kid that doesn't even know who I am or even will remember if I meet them or not?

My baby girl, I learned the hard way that that is not a best friend. But the whole time my best friend was staring me in the face. It was you.  You are my best friend, soul mate, daughter.  I always wanted a dog. I waited 21 years for a dog, and I got the perfect dog for me.  And I will gladly wait another 21 years if it means just to hold you for 21 seconds.  How I miss you.  How I wish I can hold you one more time or even just a brief touch of your fur and hair.  How I hope you can forgive me for all the times I left you at home so I can go "have fun for a few hours with friends" when you were all the friends I needed.  Please forgive me for that needle.  Please forgive me for not realizing that you are my best friend.  I will never forget how during our last days together, I called you my best friend and you looked at me with these eyes with such gratitude and love.  How I want you back or how I wish I can be dead just to be with you. Every day I wake up is a day closer to dying to being with you. I love you forever and always Cookie.  Please forgive me my dear.  Your mama, Kim
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Hi Kim,

I'm sorry you are struggling with some guilt of the time you spent away from your dog when she was alive. I had similar guilt about going on a little trip out of state to see my siblings shortly before my beloved cat passed. Of course I didn't know his time was that close or I wouldn't have gone. But I have to keep reminding myself that I only see my siblings maybe once a year if that, and I KNOW my sweet cat would have never wanted me to sacrifice time away from my family. I know that. But it still hurts knowing I could have gone to see them after he passed away, but how can we ever really know what is around the corner. The trip was only 3 or 4 days, but it kills me that that could have been 3 or 4 more days with my baby in his last days. But I know this isn't logical because my family is equally important and I never know when will be the last time I will see them as well. Life is so precious and unpredictable.

It also sounds like you had to make the decision like so many of us on here to end our babies' suffering. The guilt you are feeling is normal and will pass as you realize it was the greatest act of love you could ever do. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you heal from this trauma.

Anyways, I just wanted you to know that someone understands to some extent what you are feeling. And I hope that you will make peace soon with the decisions you made and the way things played out. It has been about 6 months since my sweet kitty died and I promise you that it does get easier to deal with. You will find your own way to cope. The sadness will always be there in some form, but I try to see it as beautiful as it represents the love we will always have for our fur soulmates.

Take care, and I'm so sorry for your loss <3

~Our Love is eternal & 'death' cannot sever the bond we created. The spirit never dies. The Love, bond, & spirit are ours to cherish always. That is a gift that will never be taken away~
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