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Emea37

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Reply with quote  #1 
First of all I would like to say how grateful Iam finding this place...that I see people struggling like myself,that Iam not alone in this pain.
And who is Nessa? She is ,because she still"IS" my soulmate, my best friend, my love... Words can not describe it even... we first met 13 years ago,in May,my current husband then boyfriend bought her for me as a gift,one week after we first met.So she is US,she is with us from the beginning and now its slowly time to Say Goodbay. This hurts so badly,this eats me from inside...Most of her lives she was healthy. In 2017 she was diagnosed wit heart ilness,but not really bad,we started with heart medication, she was doing wery well until January this year where for the first time she got some kind of attacks,similar to epileptic,we went to the doctor and despite regular control of the heart it got worse so we got another ,stronger pills and Fortekor(to get rid of water in the lungs) she also got some pilks for epilepsy...the attacks were quite rare once evry 2_3 weeks, she had a lot of energy she was playing, barking, she was my Nessa... until lad Tuesday when the attacks came with so force that I barely survived it she had them for 2 days straight,she did not eat,breathing very hard..I was crying,I wanted to die.. . again the visit,epileptic pills does not work,so Vet described something stronger,and few others pills. We went to so many doctors,did everything and they are not able to say for sure what is the root cause... if not epilepsy, that most likely attacks are connected to the very bad heart condition or some brain tumor. She is 13... i dont want her send for IMR as most likely du to heart issue she will not survive the anesthesia...
She started to eat,she did not have any attacks since Thursday (wow 3 days)... she is alive, her eyes are open,she eats... but so what?? Is this something what she deserves?? Such poor life?? She is not ruining anymore,not barking, she has no energy at all.. watching her Im crying,i would give my life for her...i want her to be back,i want Nessa back,my cute, energetic, smiling tinny dog. I love her to the bones... physical she is not in pain right now,but I see in her,in her sad eyes saying: " Mom,let me go...over the rainbow bridge, I will be much more happier over there..." I dont want her to go,I need her. I love you Nessa so much...but I know that its my responsibility to let you go in peace,and to not suffer, you deserved it as noone else...
Im really sorry for my long speech, but now I feel better,sharing my thoughts with you...
Thank you
Ewa

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pannklaus

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Reply with quote  #2 
I am very sorry to hear about the serious illness of your soulmate, Nessa.  You are facing one of the most difficult decisions many of us have to make.  When is the right time to let your precious baby go?  Ultimately, you will exchange her pain and suffering for your own.  It sounds like you are getting very close to making that painful decision.  It will be hard and going through the process will be equally hard.  But when it occurs you will be  giving Nessa a better life at the Rainbow Bridge, although your life will be filled with grief.  

You have probably read some of the posts in this forum and know about the difficulty of making the decision and then knowing whether or not you made it at the right time.  There are many kind people in the forum who will support you as you go through the process. We cannot make it any easier for you or take away your suffering and grief but we can be with you as we all grieve for our precious fur babies.

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Emea37

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Reply with quote  #3 
Pannklaus, Thank you very much for your nice and helpful words... I konow that they are plenty of people like me,who right now are struggling so much as I,and this helps, a lot,knowing that Im not alone in my pain... I want to ask a question,most likely stupid one,but " is it fair?" That someone( Im not sayin God) that someone is taking away my only friend, my only soulmate? It is unfair, but I know that life is unfair... I dont know if I should still fight, trying another pills, another doctor,another medication. I donot want her to suffer anymore with all those examinations because I dont see any light over the bridge. If it would help,I would do anything for my lovely Nessa,but I know her 13 years,and I feel inside myself that it will not be better... this hurts so much... I canot work,I can not think,I can not eat,the only thing Im doing is thinking about her and asking "WHY?"...
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pannklaus

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Reply with quote  #4 
There is no answer to the question of why our precious babies sometimes get serious illnesses and why the best of vet care doesn't make them well. You appear to be in the stage we were at with our sweet baby Lenny.  He had a long term illness but  for a long time there was always medicine that made  him better and would  get him back to eating and gaining weight again.  But then there were no more pills that would work and the next stage was extensive testing and aggressive treatment which offered no guarantee of success.   At that point our long time vet very sensitively went over our options which included letting him go.  When we "chose" that option the vet indicated strong support for our choice since Lenny was suffering a lot, had lost a lot of weight and was dehydrated.  There was no point in taking him home with no treatment and then bringing him back for a final visit so we went ahead and ended his suffering that day with the vet.   Lenny  peacefully went to sleep not knowing that he would not wake up.  We had to go home with the empty carrier and deal with all the grief that followed.

These are very hard decisions to make and choosing when to end a precious baby's life is extremely difficult, since you could always wait one more day or two or three.  But if you wait a little longer,  you still will face the extreme grief when your baby is  gone.  But once there isn't good quality of life and little hope that there will be recovery, the unselfish thing to do is end the suffering.  Only you know if you  are there now, although from what you have written it sounds like you are getting close.  You are definitely not alone.  Many people in this group have gone through what you are going through now and understand your desire to hold on while not wanting your baby to suffer anymore.  I am thinking about you with care and concern knowing how hard it is to be facing this sad situation.

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Quazimoto

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Reply with quote  #5 
I'm so sorry to hear about Nessa.  I know exactly how you feel right now because I'd been going through something very similar with my little Nala for the past couple years or so.  Nala was always a little spark plug of energy.  She loved chasing lizards all over our lanai, would chase after her pink soccer ball (the one and only toy she ever played with) for hours until my arm go tired from tossing it, and would often just take off running laps around the living room and through the bedrooms like a total nutcase.  As she got older, she went deaf, then blind, then started showing signs of dementia, heart failure, and kidney failure (among other things).  She started having seizures and fainting spells, often having half a dozen or more in one day.  Even thought she ate and drank mostly okay, she just kept losing weight (normally sixteen pounds, she was only eleven when she passed).  She'd have a string of bad days where I'd literally stare at her as she slept wondering if she was going to just stop breathing.  During the bad times she'd just lay there almost all day, barely moving at all.  Not even to shift positions much.  Then she'd be mostly fine for a day or two and seem almost like her old self (or as close to it as she could get being completely blind and deaf).  Her poor little body just plum wore out and her bad days started to greatly outnumber her good ones.  Even though I knew 'that day' was coming for a while and even though I'd been through many moments of agony and heartache in my life, the aftermath of 'that day' has ripped me apart and left me profoundly heartbroken like nothing else.  Surprising, making the decision was easy for me.  As much as I didn't want to ever say goodbye to my little Nala, I simply couldn't allow her to suffer anymore.  Living without her seem unbearable, but knowing she was in near constant pain and a mere shell of her former self was far more painful.  I said goodbye to my best friend and the closest thing I'll ever have to a true soul mate a little over two weeks ago.

There will never be a right time to say goodbye to your furbaby and regardless of when that day does come, it will hurt like few other things in life can.  But, sometimes in life we have to do something we know will rip our own hearts out because it's the right thing to do for someone we love so dearly.
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Emea37

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Reply with quote  #6 
Pannklaus,Quazimoto... Thank you from the bottom of my heart for you nice and helpful words...i did not write earlier because My Nessa is feeling a bit better so i want to use every single second to be with her... now we are in the park,,she is lying nex to me on the grass,i feel so happy still having her nex to me... i had to bring her on my hands because she walks only few meters.... can i ask you a question? I guess stupid one,but who cares... do you think My Nessa remembers that only 2 weeks ago she was running,ful of energy, braking, playing around... do you think she remembers that and now when she is too tired,to sick she is sad about this ? That she can not do it anymore,that she can not do what she loves,what she used to do? Do you think she understand that? Or she lives the day and she dies not remember how she was and what she was doing yesterday?
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Quazimoto

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Reply with quote  #7 
It's hard to say what any dog does or does not remember, so I can only speak on my beliefs and experiences...

I absolutely believe that they remember experiences from days gone by. My Nala loved to run when she was younger. She'd run wild like a total nut job all over the place. Once she went blind, that stopped, but every once in a while I could see her wanting to take off again, but stopping herself because.she knew she couldn't anymore. Even a couple weeks before she passed, she had a moment like that.

Yes, I'm sure your Nessa remembers those days, but unlike us humans, dogs don't dwell on the past or look back on it with regret. They have a tremendous ability to simply live for the moment and enjoy whatever they can enjoy as it's happening. Dogs certainly do get depressed and sad sometimes. And yes, your Nessa might have some moments when she remembers what she used to be able to do and feels a little sad that she can't anymore, but for the most part, she doesn't let it bother her too much. She may have loved to run and play before, but now she'll find enjoyment out of just sitting next to you and feeling the breeze. Dogs seem to be able to accept new roles and limitations in life so much better that we humans do.

The time your in now with Nessa is rough. You'll probably question yourself on a daily basis whether or not you should start preparing to say goodbye to her. The first time I thought "this might be it" was a good three years before my Nala actually died. Sadly, there's no right answer as to when the time has come. It's different for everyone, but you'll probably know when it comes without having to think on it too much. For now, just pay attention to the good day vs bad day ratio. Keep a journal or chart about it if it helps. When the time comes that the bad days outnumber the good ones is when you have to think about what's best for Nessa, despite how much it will hurt you.
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pannklaus

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Reply with quote  #8 
I am glad that you are still getting to spend some precious time with your beloved Nessa.  This is just my opinion, but I believe that animals live largely in the present.  I think they respond to the situation at  the moment and don't  think in terms of comparisons of "this is what I was doing two weeks ago" as we do.  They do whatever they feel capable of doing at the moment.  

Our Lenny used to throw up everything he ate and 15 minutes later he would be trying to eat again.  He didn't seem to make a connection between "the food made me sick a few minutes ago" and "I feel hungry now".  We would withhold food for awhile to let his stomach settle down, since if he ate again immediately, he would throw up again.  

My guess would be that when Nessa is lying in the park next to you, she is enjoying feeling the grass and being close to you.  You know her better than anyone else.  You can tell she is feeling better and you are taking advantage of this special period when you can still let her experience the immediate world around her even if she can't run or jump right now.  If she could run, she would get up and do it.  Her body is letting her do whatever she is able to do right now.  As long as it appears to you that she is getting some enjoyment from the simple pleasure of being able to feel the cool grass, the wind when it is blowing, etc. you are able to give her that.

As long as she is able to eat and drink, she can keep nourishment in her body.  With our precious Lenny, when we had to let  him go it was because he couldn't keep anything down and couldn't drink water so he became severely dehydrated.  He would go lay down in a corner and not want to be with anyone.  On his last day he stayed in one spot for most of the day until his vet appointment without moving at all.  

I hope that Nessa's improvement will last for awhile and you can have more special time with her.  You know how precious this time is and are taking advantage of every moment of it.



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Emea37

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Reply with quote  #9 
Thank you very much for your worlds,you support. I feel completely different, not alone,having you all,having rainbowsbridge and knowing Im not alone on my suffer... Im reading each single post and crying... I have never ever even think that one day My Nesia will not be with me anymore... and this day seems to be happen sooner than later... Thank you for being her
...
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pannklaus

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Reply with quote  #10 
Right now, try to stay in the present with Nessa and focus on the enjoyment of the moment.  I know the thought of that decision is in the back of your mind.  Many people here who have had to make it say it is the most difficult decision they ever have to make in their life.  There is sometimes a feeling of "playing God" by having to decide when it will occur.  I had the hope that death would come naturally so that I wouldn't have to get to that point; many people probably have the same hope. 

Unfortunately, if we had not made the decision we would have had to let Lenny just slowly starve to death or else put him on artificial feeding and water at the vets office and that wasn't anything he would want.  The only comfort for me came from knowing that he would go to sleep and not know anything else that was occurring.  But we were left with all the grief that followed.

Whatever you face in the future, the group will be here to support you in your grief.  But we cannot make it easy.  For now, until you have to deal with whatever is to come, there is no need to focus on it, although I know that is hard to do.

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pannklaus

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Reply with quote  #11 
Is Nessa still with you?  I have been thinking about you.   I know you may not want to write anything right away, but write when you can.
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