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LailasMom
SparkysHouse, your grief really touched my heart.  Like you, I'm suffering from the loss of my dog.  She had megaesophogus disease for two years and I made the decision to put her to rest.  I couldn't stand seeing her lose so much weight, getting sick to the stomach yet be so hungry all the time.  The wretching was awful, but she still had life in her. 

I cannot get over the remorse of playing God with her life.  I think I did it too soon.  I can't shake this awful grieving.  I miss her every day and I hate that I did it.  I'm so sorry I did.  I hope I can heal from this because I really can't bear it.  There is an awful void in the house.  Her personality was huge and she was so funny. My clumsy big girl.  I pray to God that she forgives me and knows that I honestly thought I was doing the right thing then - even though I seriously regret it every day since. 
Laila's Mom
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Chiron
Dear Spraky`s mom,

I want to say to you so many things. But everytime i try to collect my thoughts on the topic, my throat get blocked, i feel all the things i want to share and tell but my mind just blocks.  First to repeat what others said - you are not alone.
My second dog died almost a month ago due to my mistake. I have been trying to accept it was an accident but still the guilt is eating me away. The accident re-plays in my mind every singe day. I hear and feel the same sounds.

Be grateful that you have those dreams and signs from Sparky as i DO believe those are signs from them. I have been asking and praying about such a sign but in vain. Now i feel like it was all a dream - was she even here, was she my dog, was everything real... She is gone and it seems so empty and i just can`t feel her. I know my mind is making trick trying to accept the loss.

Please, know you are not alone. Sadly, such things happen. No one is perfect, no one.

Take care of yourself.
I know is hard. I know.

I know it is not much of a help but as i said - i know how you feel very well and just wanted you to know that.
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Sparkys_house
Mcianchette,

Those were the perfect words...." feeling and being 100% responsible for their care and well-being, it's natural to take 100% responsibility for their passing. "... That hit me like a ton of bricks at the right moment in my healing process.

I am so grateful for being led to this site by my therapist. He is so wonderful and helpful but he can't empathize with my guilt because he hasn't experienced it himself. I've been stuck in this mental crypt for 8 months, mostly by choice that its all I deserve for what I did. I am having some difficulty in allowing myself the freedom to heal though. How do i say this....Part of me believes Sparky never questioned me for his untimely demise ( because maybe you are right DaniC) or that I only created him even connecting me starting the truck with his suffering in my own mind to create my guilt to make myself try to suffer the way I know he did. Retraining my brain to believe I'm worthy of any joy beyond the superficial brief occasional moments are incredibly challenging. Recovery will take as long as it takes, I must allow it to happen and not feel guilty for not feeling guilty. Realizing guilt can be replaced with fear is the next challenge to face.

Sorrow,

I can relate to you 100% also. I hope some of the words you read here can be as influential to your healing as yours were to mine. As I gain strength and wisdom I will be sure to share them with you and I want you to continue doing the same for me. I know I have more to say but I can't organize the words at the moment. As soon as I can, I'll write again. Until then, lets heal well and be well.
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heapik
I am so sorry for your loss. Please don't feel guilty anymore, you did NOT do that on purpose. I can feel your pain, my negligence is the reason my baby is gone today. I have thought about her everyday and how my stupid mistake cost her life. I found her in the road just 3 minutes after she was hit, I unfortunately know this because I checked my camera to see who did it, and just a minute before that she was by the door waiting for me to let her in. I didn't see her and I let the cat that chases her out not knowing she was by the other door. While I was inside doing something meaningless her lasts minutes were running in fear, she was so shy. She must have heard me when I let him outside and ran over to come in and there he was. I feel the guilt still, I'm getting better with it but it will take time, as will yours. Like myself, you did not plan this, you had nothing but love for your baby. I still have to see the jerk ride by everyday and he doesn't even live on my road, he stepped on his breaks afterword but didn't have the decency to come tell me. I cry all over again when I read these posts, you made a mistake, as I did and so will so many others. You had the courage to come forward and believe it or not, you are helping others by telling your sad story. Please try not to blame yourself, it was truly an unfortunate accident. Hugs to you and only time will heal, you have to forgive yourself.
Heather pikna
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lostlittleboy
It's so sad to hear of your terrible accident - everyone here feels the loss of their pet, but it's so tragic under these circumstances.  I think everyone on this site feels guilt to some degree, but the very fact that we're blaming ourselves is just more proof how much our pets mean to us.

If they weren't loved, it wouldn't hurt so much - and for our time together, however short, they'll always be remembered and cherished.

I played the events leading up to my boy's accident in my mind over and over; how it could have been prevented, we could have cancelled our night away or phoned ahead to say we'd be back early and we could have all gone out together, or I could have taken him to more obedience classes so that the children took him to a playing field rather than the orchard where he chased the rabbit, cut down all the wire fences where he played or just stopped him chasing anything by putting him on a lead and never letting him off - which would have changed his character permanently and he would have been miserable...

Foresight would be great - but you can't plan for every worst case scenario, which in many of our cases just leaves an awful meaningless accident.

Take care of yourself, our companions would have wanted us to be healthy, so we can heal over time, and perhaps give another a home when we're ready.

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Sparkys_house
Heapik, Lostlittleboy,

Knowing that someone else can truly relate to the bereavement of loss as a result of my own actions allows me the ability to begin to forgive myself. My mind has known I'm not the first or only person to be the catalyst for the loss of a loved one but my heart and soul wouldn't hear it. I mean come on, how neglegent can a person (me) be?! What gives me the right to hold myself to an unattainably high standard of perfection? Yet simultaneously have immediate compassion and the need to lift others up from the abyss I keep myself in thinking I deserve to be in it? Even retreading this makes me want to smack myself and say, what the hell kid, stop it!

Do any of you experience the same internal struggle of acceptance and condemnation from day to day or even minute to minute? Thankfully, I have your words to absorb and a therapist who listens, doesn't judge and helps me look for new directions to gain forward traction. Some days suck! Some days are almost good. And there are even occasional days I laugh without guilt. Then I think about how a day never passed I didn't laugh with Sparky by my side and the condemnation circles back to the forefront and we're off to the races again.
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Sparkys_house
Chiron,

Your words resonate with me. I do know exactly what your feeling. I also felt and still sometimes do feel maybe it all wasn't even real. Sometimes I can take a moment, look at a picture of him for a few seconds and I think, who is that good lookin dog? Look at how happy he is, look at how happy that person in the picture with him is. She looks like me but was it real? Maybe I created a fantasy so real I believed it but something happened and the fantasy ended. Our relationship was so perfect I must have made it up!

I have difficulty thinking about us because my mind ALWAYS goes back to that day and his last 24 hours. Why can't I stay focused on our best days? My life was never the same with him and it'll never be the same without him, neither will yours. I am grateful he visited me in my dreams too. It's been a few months ago now and I want to hear from him again. Either in another dream or through a medium. It's been almost 8 months since he passed and I'm finally teeter tottering with idea of self forgiveness. Let it take as long as it takes Chiron and screw anyone that says otherwise. Just don't do what I've done all my life and suppress it into non-existence. I have ideas for a purpose, believe they can be reached, I just have to get to the point of believing I can be the one to have that purpose.

Stay in touch, heal well, be well.
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