AmberLovesGizmo
I got Midnight when I was four years old, and we'd been inseparable ever since. She's now almost twenty, and not doing very well. She has kidney failure, heart problems, and is in the beginning stages of cancer. I'd been with her every day since she joined my family, and when she got sick, I took care of her. I gave her SubQ fluids and so many pills everyday to try and keep her comfortable. I love her so much it's indescribable. I don't think I've ever loved anyone as much as her. When I suffered through a series of painful surgeries, and had to sleep on that horrid recliner in the living room for a week after each surgery, she insisted on staying right next to me through it all. She even walked me to the bathroom and back when I had to hobble my way there. I will never forget her loyalty, love, and compassion. My Boo Kitty is still fighting (she's a tough cookie), but unfortunately for the first time in almost twenty years, I'm not with her during the most difficult time of her life. I now live and work in Japan (a dream I've had since I can't remember when.) I was told she probably would pass before I left due to her condition so I accepted the job. But, the months rolled on and she was still going strong. I wanted desperately to bring her with me, but my truly amazing and dedicated vet told me she would likely not survive the stress of the plane ride, so I decided it would be best to leave her with my parents. I debated helping her pass before I left, but she was still walking, eating, and enjoyed exploring the garden so I decided she should go on living as long as she is able to enjoy life. Nonetheless, leaving my girl was simply the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I went back to the  US for a week to see her last December and she was doing much worse than when I left. She looked so thin and tired, but was so happy to see me. I spent every second I could holding her and loving her. My mom and dad love her to bits, and take very good care of her, but I feel so much anger, guilt, and pain over the fact that I'm not with her. I should be the one taking care of her. I worry a lot that she wonders where I am and will pass away wishing I was there. I feel such overwhelming guilt for leaving her that I wish I hadn't left. She needs me and I left her. MyBabyGirl.jpg  
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mybaby1robert
What a painful experience.  20 Years is an amazing life span ..she had good care that is for sure.  It is not easy to do what you are doing.  There will be no relief for the guilt I am afraid.  It is a part of the process and we all have our crosses to bear in this area.  I know I do.  Bless you for taking such good care of your angel.  You have left her in good hands and God will guide them.  Peace to you friend and your beautiful friend Midnight.  We shall see them in heaven and they will be well.  That is my prayer.
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AmberLovesGizmo
Thank you :) I hope to see her again one day. 
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Beesmom123
Amber
My heart goes out to you for what you are going through
What a testament to you and for families love and devotion that she has had such a long life
I know that doesn't make the thought of losing her easier. I lost my beloved boy Byron 5 months ago , he had just turned 16, he was my constant companion since I adopted him at 8 weeks. I am still having a very hard time coping with his absence . I had convinced myself with all my love and care he would live to at least 20, unfortunately disease took over and a longer life was not to be

You are in a very difficult position , perhaps you could arrange to see her and speak to her through Skype?
At least you could tell her how much you love and miss her
I know it's not the same as being there in person
As far as guilt , everyone here feels guilt over something they did or didn't do myself included, the thoughts pop into my head all the time
I feel like I should have protected him and been able to 'fix' him no matter what, even though that is totally unrealistic
But when you love someone with every fiber of your being and have lost them, everything is up for debate

I truly wish there was something I could say that would help more
Please take care and feel free to continue to reach out for support

Diana
Bee- "Good night sweet prince & flights of angels see thee to thy rest"
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AmberLovesGizmo
Diana,

Thank you so much. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply and I'm truly sorry to hear about the passing of your Byron. I must say, the name Byron is just too adorable! (^.^)

I got to Skype and see her last night, which really helped. I really like what you said about everything being up for debate when you love someone with every fiber of your being. I think truer words have never been written. Thank you again and I wish you the best. 

Amber
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