Today I thought of my beloved Max. In fact I think of him every day, greet him in the morning when I walk to his corner where his ashes and his pictures are. And throughout the day there are always the good memories but also the bitter-sweet ones.
After his stroke and his sucessful cancer surgery he now and then withdrew into his own world which worsened as time passed. We do believe he became some sort of demented in his last year and all his senses declined but he just was (then and there seemingly forever) my sweet old baby. In a way we had grown old together over all those years as I was not the same anymore either after my slipped disk and, as time went all my senses had declined as well. It felt like we were two old beings trying to live the most golden autumn of a lifetime.
We leveled our activities according to Max way of being but still did little tracks. We would search for treats in the grassland and he would step on it sniffing around forever until his paw freed the treat and, yesssss, there it was! I went crazy, screaming:”Yeah, my love, you did it, you found it” And Max was happy.
We would go for shorter but long lasting walks and would circle a tuft of grass for quite some time until Max was ready to believe that there was something he had to inhale or we had to go back to a place where the wind suddenly told him that he oversaw something there. I did love this time because it was quiet and extremely intensive. In the house we would cuddle ever so often in a very soft and quiet way where I would tell him how lovely and beautiful he was. He would fall asleep in my arms and I would tell him of the wonders of the world.
Sometimes he would go somewhere and just stop as if you had switched him off and I then gently guided him back into this reality and we went on. He waited at the entrance of our greenhouse to be let inside and I explained to him that he had been really good to detect that this was a house as well but not really the right one. After some time I could convince him and we were both happy.
Then came this time where he started to wander about at night wanting outside every two or three hours just to want inside again. I gave him his “sleeping-tea” and was up with him, letting him in and out. He got really frightened at times in the night jumping up his bed and going at something that was just not there. I told him that everything will be good and we went back to sleep.
We went to the vet one more time December 1st to talk about Max’ restlessness and his constantly losing weight even tho he ate very well but Max was so stressed there that the vet just did a normal check up at the ground floor and we took him back home with us.
Two days after the visit at the vet Max broke down and fell unconcious for a few seconds which scared the hell out of me. He broke down once again a few days later with my husband being with him. He then developed a caugh ever so often which I filmed and went to show it to the vet without Max.
The vet said that we could go thru more procedures like Xrays, ultrasounds and what but we would have to consider the consequences. So I said to her:”Let’s talk about death”. She then said that even without any more procedures she could tell that Max would not last very long and we should have a ball with him as long as possible. She agreed to come to the house for this last service of love as we wanted no more stress for Max at the vet’s.
I went home and called the service to cremate him and talked things over with them.
Whilst I did all this I felt like in some kind of dream or film but I also felt a bit more inner security to know things were kind of settled when the day “x” came which I hoped to be a hundred years from then.
Max made it another month. He stopped the caughing and managed to sleep through for 5 hours at night, wow! And he rose like Phoenix from the ashes to spend the X-mas time with us. My husband had a 2 weeks holiday and we spoiled Max rotten. We gave him everything he wanted. I cooked pasta for him because he loved pasta and he inhaled tons of it.
When my husband went back to work Max decided that it was now time to stopp having a ball. He broke down once again at noon and never recovered from this. In the evening we called the vet and she was there in an instant. Max went peacefully and within a nano-second. I called the service to get his body which was also done in a very loving way. This service treated Max like a true member of our family. We sat together and quietly talked about the love and the grief and what it means to all of us to let a beloved one go. We wrapped Max into his beloved blanket and carried him outside. And then we broke down...
Whatever Max really had could never be detected simply because my husband and I would not want to sedate him for any further procedures at the vet. Max would not have survived that. But it is also not important to me because I clearly felt that his life span was just over. His time had definitely come.
What was immortal in Max until the very end was his deeply heartfelt devotion to food. This largest part of his brain wrapped into some kinda membrane was somehow protected against all odds. He would gobble his two daily meals within seconds. He would moan in anticipation whenever I served.... no, not meat....but peaches dipped in joghurt.
Max will forever be the greatest gift ‘The High Spirits’ ever loaned to me for a limited time to love and to take care of. So here I am now in this forum extremely sad and extremely grateful.