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Purzel

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Reply with quote  #46 
Today I thought of my beloved Max. In fact I think of him every day, greet him in the morning when I walk to his corner where his ashes and his pictures are. And throughout the day there are always the good memories but also the bitter-sweet ones.
 
After his stroke and his sucessful cancer surgery he now and then withdrew into his own world which worsened as time passed. We do believe he became some sort of demented in his last year and all his senses declined but he just was (then and there seemingly forever) my sweet old baby. In a way we had grown old together over all those years as I was not the same anymore either after my slipped disk and, as time went all my senses had declined as well. It felt like we were two old beings trying to live the most golden autumn of a lifetime.
 
We leveled our activities according to Max way of being but still did little tracks. We would search for treats in the grassland and he would step on it sniffing around forever until his paw freed the treat and, yesssss, there it was! I went crazy, screaming:”Yeah, my love, you did it, you found it” And Max was happy.
 
We would go for shorter but long lasting walks and would circle a tuft of grass for quite some time until Max was ready to believe that there was something he had to inhale or we had to go back to a place where the wind suddenly told him that he oversaw something there. I did love this time because it was quiet and extremely intensive. In the house we would cuddle ever so often in a very soft and quiet way where I would tell him how lovely and beautiful he was. He would fall asleep in my arms and I would tell him of the wonders of the world.
 
Sometimes he would go somewhere and just stop as if you had switched him off and I then gently guided him back into this reality and we went on. He waited at the entrance of our greenhouse to be let inside and I explained to him that he had been really good to detect that this was a house as well but not really the right one. After some time I could convince him and we were both happy.
 
Then came this time where he started to wander about at night wanting outside every two or three hours just to want inside again. I gave him his “sleeping-tea” and was up with him, letting him in and out. He got really frightened at times in the night jumping up his bed and going at something that was just not there. I told him that everything will be good and we went back to sleep.
 
We went to the vet one more time December 1st to talk about Max’ restlessness and his constantly losing weight even tho he ate very well but Max was so stressed there that the vet just did a normal check up at the ground floor and we took him back home with us.
 
Two days after the visit at the vet Max broke down and fell unconcious for a few seconds which scared the hell out of me. He broke down once again a few days later with my husband being with him. He then developed a caugh ever so often which I filmed and went to show it to the vet without Max.
 
The vet said that we could go thru more procedures like Xrays, ultrasounds and what but we would have to consider the consequences. So I said to her:”Let’s talk about death”. She then said that even without any more procedures she could tell that Max would not last very long and we should have a ball with him as long as possible. She agreed to come to the house for this last service of love as we wanted no more stress for Max at the vet’s.
 
I went home and called the service to cremate him and talked things over with them.
 
Whilst I did all this I felt like in some kind of dream or film but I also felt a bit more inner security to know things were kind of settled when the day “x” came which I hoped to be a hundred years from then.
 
Max made it another month. He stopped the caughing and managed to sleep through for 5 hours at night, wow! And he rose like Phoenix from the ashes to spend the X-mas time with us. My husband had a 2 weeks holiday and we spoiled Max rotten. We gave him everything he wanted. I cooked pasta for him because he loved pasta and he inhaled tons of it.
 
When my husband went back to work Max decided that it was now time to stopp having a ball. He broke down once again at noon and never recovered from this. In the evening we called the vet and she was there in an instant. Max went peacefully and within a nano-second. I called the service to get his body which was also done in a very loving way. This service treated Max like a true member of our family. We sat together and quietly talked about the love and the grief and what it means to all of us to let a beloved one go. We wrapped Max into his beloved blanket and carried him outside. And then we broke down...
 
Whatever Max really had could never be detected simply because my husband and I would not want to sedate him for any further procedures at the vet. Max would not have survived that. But it is also not important to me because I clearly felt that his life span was just over. His time had definitely come.
 
What was immortal in Max until the very end was his deeply heartfelt devotion to food. This largest part of his brain wrapped into some kinda membrane was somehow protected against all odds. He would gobble his two daily meals within seconds. He would moan in anticipation whenever I served.... no, not meat....but peaches dipped in joghurt.
 
Max will forever be the greatest gift ‘The High Spirits’ ever loaned to me for a limited time to love and to take care of. So here I am now in this forum extremely sad and extremely grateful.
Maxdoor.jpg 


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Silvia (with Max forever in my heart)

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Purzel

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Reply with quote  #47 
Catie and Val,
Thank you for visiting and the loving words. You are in my heart.
(((Hugs)))

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Lulu_Zandersmom1

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Reply with quote  #48 
Thank you for sharing that Silvia!   I could feel your love for Max pouring thru each word - how blessed he and you both were to have a life together - I believe with all my heart that we will see our beloved fur babies again in heaven - I envision myself surrounded by an entire pack - all my sweet pups in their prime of life!   

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Purzel

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Reply with quote  #49 
Michelle,
Thank you so much for visiting me and your wonderful words. They helped me alot today as what you envision there feels so breautiful - it gave me true inner peace. My heart goes out to you.

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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #50 
What a splendid boy, your Max!! And how you love him, Silvia! 

It's so hard to watch one decline. Each new step on that path is jarring. 

Your ways with dear Max were patient, true and caring.  I'm smiling to read of him rallying and you all Christmasing together as you did, with Max feasting on pasta. It's a blessing that everyone you called on was kind and respectful at the end. 

I wish you'd had him longer but it certainly sounds like you made the most of the days and hours allotted and have been so grateful he was yours.

Big hugs! And wishing you ongoing comfort.



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RileysMom

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Reply with quote  #51 
Thank you for sharing that Silvia. I can see so very much how much you loved Max. I can also see how difficult that last month was for you all. It is very hard to see them decline and to know what all of it implies. Peaches in yogurt, this brought a smile to my face, how absolutely lovely. 😊 I can just hear the anticipatory moaning and groaning...


Fresh hugs for you today...

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Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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ForMitookie_03

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Reply with quote  #52 
Hi Silvia,

Thank you for sharing Max's story and another picture of the beautiful Mr. Max.  I've been keeping very busy and don't get to write as often as I would like, but the bonds I've formed here with my fellow grievers are so valuable to me.  It's nice to know people care and want you to smile, if even for a little while.  I hope you are having a decent weekend.  Today is 6 weeks without Mitookie.  It has gotten better for me, but I will forever miss my kitty.  I was Skyping with a friend from England today who knew Mitookie well and we were talking about his "drama" personality and how he was very much one-of-a-kind.  Max is surely the same.  A one-of-a-kind, once-in-a-lifetime kind of special.  I believe we will see our furry companions again one day. 

Sending hugs, peace, and love,

Marina

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COOKIES4

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Reply with quote  #53 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Purzel

My name is Silvia. I lost my beloved yellow lab Max, aged almost 13, on January 3rd this year. I hope we did chose the „right time“ and he did not have to suffer. The vet came to our home and Max drifted away peacefully with my husband and myself at his side.

I did visit this forum to silently read your posts during the many nights that I could not find any sleep and found help, comfort and some inner peace. I have to thank you for this.

I have and still am going thru all kinds of sad emotions, nightmares with crazy thoughts of having decided too early or too late, hearing Max walking about at night, or just break out into tears all of a sudden because life just feels empty without him.

Max and I had been together 24/7 for all those many years as I am at home all day whilst my husband is at work. Now the house feels robbed of all the joy and fun I used to share with Max. I loved every minute with him.

I find it extremely difficult to focus on my daily routine because Max had just been a part of it. I still go for long walks alone and imagine him walking along with a wagging tail in front of me exploring „wonder-world“. His constant happiness used to be my „royal jelly“. He made me laugh every single day. I miss him.

Silvia


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COOKIES4

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Reply with quote  #54 
HI SILVIA. I AM JOAN. I APPRECIATE THE WAY YOU INTRODUCED YOURSELF AND YOUR FUR BABY MAX BY NAME. I AM SO SLEEP DEPRIVED AND DRAINED FROM CRYING O AM OFTEN NOT ABLE TO CONNECT NAMES WITH THE FORUM NAMES AND THE PETS. JANUARY 3, 2018 WAS VERY CLOSE TO WHEN OUR PRECIOUS FEATHER BABY SPARKY PASSED . DECEMBER 28, 2017.
HE IS A COCKATIEL AND WAS 29 AND AMAZING AND SMART AND HE TALKED. CAN U SHARE A PICTURE OF MAX.HIS BIRTHDAY WAS 2/14/18 AND WAS 30. HOW ARE YOU COPING, ARE YOU ABLE TO HEAT. IT WAS WONDERFUL YOU HAD SOMEONE THERE AT YOUR HOUSE.

I HAD A NIGHTMARE CREMATION INCIDENT WHERE THE METRO ANIMAL SERVICES AND CREMATORY IN PLAINFIELD ILLINOIS PROMISED TO KEEP MY BABY IN HIS SPECIAL BOX WITH FAVORITE SOFT WHITE COTTON RECEIVING SWADDLE BLANKETS
HE HAD SO MANY OF THOSEWE USED THEM TO COVER THE CAGE LEAVING THE FRONT OPEN. ALL DIFFERENT COLORS SPSRKY'S FAVORITE COLOR IS ORANGE.

WELL, SILVIA THIS IS A GREAT GROUP, KEEP VISITING THE FORUM PRAYERS FOR YOU AND ALL OTHERS HERE
.
JOAN AND JIM SPARKY'S MOMMY AND DADDY .
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COOKIES4

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Reply with quote  #55 
Quote:
Originally Posted by COOKIES4
HI SILVIA. I AM JOAN. I APPRECIATE THE WAY YOU INTRODUCED YOURSELF AND YOUR FUR BABY MAX BY NAME. I AM SO SLEEP DEPRIVED AND DRAINED FROM CRYING O AM OFTEN NOT ABLE TO CONNECT NAMES WITH THE FORUM NAMES AND THE PETS. JANUARY 3, 2018 WAS VERY CLOSE TO WHEN OUR PRECIOUS FEATHER BABY SPARKY PASSED . DECEMBER 28, 2017.
HE IS A COCKATIEL AND WAS 29 AND AMAZING AND SMART AND HE TALKED. CAN U SHARE A PICTURE OF MAX.HIS BIRTHDAY WAS 2/14/18 AND WAS 30. HOW ARE YOU COPING, ARE YOU ABLE TO HEAT. IT WAS WONDERFUL YOU HAD SOMEONE THERE AT YOUR HOUSE.

I HAD A NIGHTMARE CREMATION INCIDENT WHERE THE METRO ANIMAL SERVICES AND CREMATORY IN PLAINFIELD ILLINOIS PROMISED TO KEEP MY BABY IN HIS SPECIAL BOX WITH FAVORITE SOFT WHITE COTTON RECEIVING SWADDLE BLANKETS
HE HAD SO MANY OF THOSEWE USED THEM TO COVER THE CAGE LEAVING THE FRONT OPEN. ALL DIFFERENT COLORS SPSRKY'S FAVORITE COLOR IS ORANGE.

WELL, SILVIA THIS IS A GREAT GROUP, KEEP VISITING THE FORUM PRAYERS FOR YOU AND ALL OTHERS HERE
.
JOAN AND JIM SPARKY'S MOMMY AND DADDY .

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COOKIES4

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Reply with quote  #56 
SPARKY. MY BEAUTIFUL COCKATIEL. JOAN. COOKIES4 JOAN AND JIM SPARKY'S MOMMY AND DADDY
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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #57 
Thinking of you today, Silvia!  Hoping it is a gentle day and wishing you comfort!
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RileysMom

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Reply with quote  #58 
Hi Silvia,

Just checking in with you today... Hope you’re doing alright, all things considered. Just wanted you to know you’re in my thoughts.

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Purzel

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Reply with quote  #59 
Marina, Joan, Catie and Val,

Thank you so much for visiting, your kind and friendly words. Joan, thank you for sharing such a lovely pic of your sweet Sparky.

I have a cold and was not able to do anything else but stay in bed all weekend.

It has not been easy to write Max' story of his last year. Even tho it has been intensive, filled with love and care - it was also bitter sweet and very sad. There were times when I felt exhausted alone by the amount of emotions I felt. It was not grieving because I had not lost Max at this stage but it surely felt like grieving. Even tho I tried hard to push those sad emotions aside they still were kind of waiting for me under my pillow when I went to bed at night.

Max had been to the vet ever so often that he definitely hated every vet in this world. So after his surgery in December 2016 I promised him we wont see a vet again unless there would be something so urgent that his life was in danger. I kept this promise and Max lived peacefully without a vet until December 2017. Do I feel guilty about this now? Sure! Maybe there was something that a vet could have detected, maybe he could still be here would I have.....

All these "maybes" and "ifs" seem to hang around in this house waiting for me in some dark corners. But also the "I should haves" and the "I did not do enoughs" are hiding here and there. I have no clue why I am asking myself questions like this and why there is guilt connected to such loving and caring relationship - other than: It might be sheer helplessness that is talking to me there. Somehow I seem to regret that I was not "allmighty".

Thank you for listening


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Avabear

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Reply with quote  #60 
Silvia, I can so so relate to this.  I too had a period pre grieving when Ava was ill and I knew she was dying.  It's hard to explain how that affects you and although it's only been a week since Ava actually died, it feels like I have been grieving for much much longer and the exhaustion that goes with it seems longer than just one week.  In some ways it was like watching Ava fade very slowly like she was decending into a mist.  I have been watching videos of her and you can see her fading in the videos although I was trying to push this to the back of my mind while she was alive.  I too go through the what if's.  I look back and can see signs of the cancer in that she was getting lots of ear and eye infections that would just keep reoccuring.  i told myself it was just because she was getting older and more prone to these things but now I know that the spleen affeects the immune system so had I taken her to the vet sooner and raised concerns about these infections might they have caught the tumour before it ruptured and done surgery and saved her....maybe... although the vet said it was highly unlikely, but yes these are the thoughts that terrorise me.
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'It came to me that every time I lose a dog they take a piece of my heart with them, and every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of their heart. If I live long enough all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are.' Anon

 

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