Fishnmusicn
This is my first post here. I lost my cat Molly 3 weeks ago tomorrow and I had to make that hard decision. I adopted her when she was 2 and we spent 16 wonderful years together, so she was 18. That is a good long life for a cat, but doesn't make it any easier when they are gone. I could see some of the signs of her getting older but she still seemed happy and her quality of life was good. Then the last week that I had her I heard her fall in the bathroom and I knew from the sound that it was her and not something that fell down or that she knocked over. I still don't know what happened, whether she had a stroke or heart attack but she wasn't the same.

The last week we spent together was a tough one, I had a mobile vet come to do blood tests and hydrate her with an injection. I hadn't been to the vet with her in about 6 years, but I was surprised to learn she had lost 4 pounds since that time, when the vet weighed her here. I remember torturing myself waiting for the vet to call me the next day for the test results, and I may have called them twice and left messages before they called me back.The vet finally called and told me that for a cat her age that some of the levels were a little high on the tests but not abnormally so, and if I was willing to try a pill and special food to hydrate her and change her diet, maybe she could even live another few years. I remember sitting in the car at the gas pump talking to the vet and when I got out to pump the gas a huge wave of relief filled with tears overcame me, I thought there was still hope - all the negative thinking about the worst that could have happened and torturing myself with that, had been for naught as just about all worries are. I suddenly felt hope and a will to fight for her survival and bringing her health back.

Unfortunately it wasn't to be, she was breathing too rapidly and lying down all the time and it was clear to see her suffering. Something sudden and major happened and I still don't know what it could have been. I had to feed her myself, mix her food with water to get her to lap it up, and she did from time to time. However, it got worse and I was frantic to find something online to help her. I thought about syringe feeding, and the idea of it was cruel in a way to force feed an animal. But I found many videos of people doing just that to maintain their pets and also to try and save them, so I did it. I think it did give her some additional strength to keep on going but it was finally time to call the vet again to make that final decision as I couldn't bear to see her suffering anymore.

I carried her out a few nights that week and put her up in the living room window above my couch so she could look out, and she did - for about 5 minutes until she got tired again. But what I saw in her doing that was still a will to live, if only for me and to show me she was being strong even with the suffering. It was a vivid feeling I got from her. Perhaps I should have prefaced all of this with the many good times that we shared. If you got this far, I really appreciate your perseverance.

The last night before I had to make that final decision I carried her into the bedroom and went into the kitchen for a minute, and when I returned she was sitting up with her front left paw crossed over her right. This was a posture she made for many years, and it was always when she was happy and content, it was an endearing thing to see always. To see it now to me was a sign that she was telling me that she loved me, even in her bad physical state she was showing me it was ok. She showed me that special sign of love and laid back down again.

I've left out the emotional parts of this because I've been numb and grieving every day. I'm in a state of disbelief in the finality of it all and I miss her terribly. I miss her jumping up on the computer table and sticking her head halfway down into the glasses sitting there, and reaching out her one paw to me while on the same table while I held her from the back and put her on my lap. When I would take a shower, she liked to sneak into the bathtub and lick the water - it was something I didn't like, but I would get her to jump out and as soon as I went in the other room she was back in the tub. She would kiss me with her little wet nose and whiskers on my mouth and nose and fall down next to my side with her belly up to be rubbed when I was laying in bed, and in the last months she would always sleep right next to my head in the corner of the bed, her little silhouette in the dark, first laying down with her head up, and then when I would say good night to her it was so cute to see her lay her little head down when we would both go to sleep.

When I first adopted her she was a sleek tiger cat, long and lean and she loved to streak crazily around my apartment. In her last years she became so delicate and cute, my sweet little old lady - and even though I could feel her backbone more and more and she was eating less, I didn't think about it maybe the way I should of, maybe a trip to the vet beforehand would have helped. She did not like going to the vet however and would get sick in her cage, it was a real ordeal. The mobile vet was a real blessing.

This has not been a real emotional post but I have been racked with grief every day when I least expect it, when it all sinks in and I know I can't bring her back but must deal with reality. Grieving is a good thing and shows me how deep our love and special connection was and will always be. I've always lived alone so she was my sole companion and it is empty and strange feeling here without my special little lady. I'm not sure what to do except to roll with life as it comes along and just grieve when it comes up if it is safe and I have no shame about that, just sorrow and missing my little girl.

Thank you if you took the time to read this, it's good to know that we all identify with each other in a knowing way that is individual, personal but communal at the same time. Like others I look for signs or something that will make sense of all this, but I also realize it's part of life and death that we all must face at different times in our lives. None of the knowing makes any of this easier, but I've gotten a lot out of looking at some of the other threads here and I feel for you all, it's a pain we all share in our own way that is connected to the unconditional and most wonderful love we knew and want to keep knowing. 

Molly, you will always be remembered and loved by your Daddy, we gave each other many years of happiness and warmth in our own special way. The sorrow and grief I feel is still strong and unbearable at times, but I hope we will meet in a happy place without any sadness someday and that is the way I want to remember you when the time is right. It is just too hard now my little lady.

There are a few pictures here, the first one the night before I had to give her peace, and the second and third just 2 weeks before mlly7.jpg  mollyme4.jpg  the falling incident where she still seemed healthy and happy. Things we take for granted can change so fast, and we are suddenly without the ones that keep us warm and happy inside. I miss my little girl. mlly3.jpg 

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Fishnmusicn
I must say it is hard to see no replies on my thread. I hurt and have tears every day just like the rest of you and I thought it would be comforting to come here to give and get sympathy, but it is just like the grief, I have to take it as it is. I wish you all well and hope to contribute as much as I can to help others through their pain and sorrow as well.
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godiva
Hi fishnmusicn,

Welcome to the forum. You will find many supportive and understanding people here.

I'm so so sorry to hear of your heartbreak. 18 years is a long time, but when that inevitable day comes, it never seems like we've had enough time.

The signs will come to you when you least expect. Your bond with Molly is so strong, I have no doubt she will let you know she's ok.

Your strength, though it may feel as if it's left you, will come through your grieving. The only way out is through....a painful lesson I've learned in life's journey.

Your words about Molly are beautiful, so descriptive I feel as though I can see her!

I'm glad you found us. I've been here on the forum only 13 days since my fur baby passed, but sharing and hearing so many similar stories helps me more than anything.

I hope you will find some solace in your own way, in your own time.

Much love to you and your Molly,
~ Becky

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godiva
Oh one more thing.....I started a thread called "If your pet could talk to you..." (You have to scroll down a bit on the main page)

If you feel up to it, I would love to hear from sweet Molly :)
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Fishnmusicn
Thank you Becky, your reply is so much appreciated and I'm so sorry for your recent loss as well. They do let you know when it is time, and many times give you the final signs of love that come from their heart that it was a beautiful journey. Grief is blinding when it comes in an inner way, it's a painful transcendence of pain that comes straight from the heart in proportion to the love you had. I wish you the best and will visit you soon as I'm busy today fishing and practicing music ( hence the profile name ). It is good to stay busy and also very good to honor your loved one with all the loss you feel inside. Blessings to you and visit you soon.

Chuck
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MonaGirl
Hugs, lost my little Mona Girl three weeks ago also.
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shantismom
Chuck, I am so sorry for your loss.  Molly looks so pretty in those pictures.  I lost my cat Shanti 10 1/2 months ago.  It is a painful thing but I am so thankful I got to be his Mommy for 14 years.
The pain we fell is because of the love we had and our babies are worth it.
Molly has no problems now, she has no pain, no stress, nothing to upset her.  Time will bring some relief, but I am not going to say that the pain will ever fully go away.  Your Molly was a special girl and my Shanti was the cat love of my life.  They will always be loved and missed.
My prayers are with you.
Marlene Wagner
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Fishnmusicn
Thank you both so much, so sorry for the loss of your Mona Girl, it's been three weeks to the day for me with Molly, I'm learning to stay busy but the sorrow is still there and still has to work it's way through... she is always in my mind -

Thank you Shantis Mom, that is a beautiful thing that you said, and I think eventually the sadness will turn into a deeper understanding, not of what happened but of the love we shared. Thank you - 
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MonaGirl
Thinking of you today, today is exactly three weeks. Sick with a migraine today. Can't say much. Too much headache pain. I ask Jesus to take the pain away both physical and grief wise. If you believe in a higher power, stay close to Him right now. It's what has gotten me thru this so far. My little girl had heart disease, she past at home with me and a kind lady that lives next door to me had come quickly over, Mona was starting to have trouble breathing which was the start of her many episodes over the years. Me and my neighbor knew that she hadn't been feeling well for a few months and that her heart episodes had been much worse. Mona had her episode for maybe 20 minutes and was gone. We both had been crying thru that whole episode. We petted her and comforted her. Her little feet had gotten so cold at the start of the episode, when I had to use the bathroom very quickly, (I didn't know at that point it would be fatal), my friend reached out to her and she quickly grabbed her hand and pulled her hand to her chest. I came back and was loving on her too.

It has been so hard, so many tears.
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cakes488
I am with you Chuck...in the same place...I don't know where you are from or who you are but know that I am with you feeling the same things and such deep despair.  I wish I could give you a hug and you hug me back.  I feel like my head and heart are about to explode...tonight is candle ceremony and last week I had my Bridie with me and now she's joined the long list of names on the list.  

After the loss of a pet I tend to get another pet to help me get through it...it's worked pretty well...but I cannot get another dog since it's hard to find housing with a dog around here and I'm a lowly renter who's just a piece of crap and not allowed to have a dog...not allowed to have love even though I'm paying someone else's mortgage.  I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this without using  my old trick of bringing new life into the house.  There is no life in this house anymore....I am alone. 
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MonaGirl
When I woke up last night, I realized she was gone, and started to get very tearful, but before I went to sleep, I asked Jesus to sit beside me and comfort me, when I started to feel tearful, I wasn't quite completely awake, I heard him say she's with me, she's ok, everything is ok. I felt such peace. Hugs to all.
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Fishnmusicn
Thank you both for sharing and I know how you feel, I'm doing all the things I normally do to stay busy. Molly is always in the back of my mind, I went fishing yesterday and caught a huge catfish, and that was nice but while I was sitting waiting for a bite, even nature couldn't take away the empty space inside and thoughts of life now without Molly. It gets easier for a while and then the grief comes again unexpected. As I feel myself get a little bit back to normal, there is a void which is always in the background. Feel for you both. cakes488, maybe you could find a place that will accept cats, they are more common. It will be quite a while before I even think about another cat. I adopted Molly 3 months after my last cat passed, and the year before her sister passed. They were 18 and 19, I went through the same process. That makes 35 years that I've had cats. I have a fiancee in Germany, and we are working on her Visa so she can come over and we can get married, but that is a whole other story, except that I will at least wait until then. This grief has a life of it's own and has to be respected as the amount reflects the depth of the love we all shared. Thanks again.
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Fishnmusicn
It doesn't get any easier just different and empty, tomorrow will be four weeks since I said goodbye to my sweet little Molly. I have a very busy job which is good and bad (stress), and I haven't written here but I still feel my pain and check on some of the posts here to connect. I have her pictures on the wall and when I come home for lunch I completely lose it, and the grief stays on that deep level, the level at which you know your loved one is gone, there is nothing you can do, and it can bring on frustration emotionally to realize that truth. In the meanwhile I still have a hard time accepting that this has happened, her pictures on the wall are a constant reminder but I wouldn't take them down for anything. The warm fuzzy feeling of unconditional love and undying affection that I took for granted I would give anything to get back, but it's not possible. It's a deep loss plain and simple, and it hits hard everytime. I think the last few years we had together as Molly was getting older I treasure the most, because she was just my sweet little old lady that I adored that still had the good quality of life up until that last week that I tried to save her. It happened so suddenly and then she was gone and I still feel like I'll never recover, miss that sweet little girl so much. She'll always mean the world to her Daddy.

Chuck
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