Three months. Three months since you left this world. And I still expect to turn my head, and see you lounging on the grass right here next to me.
I'm sitting outside, under the orange trees. When I took my cushion just now - my 'outside' cushion - I couldn't help but remember how you would jump up when I picked that cushion up. Because you knew it meant I was going outside. And you ALWAYS came to keep me company. Like I said, you would just...lounge on the grass, sometimes wriggling around happily on your back for a while. It always, ALWAYS made me smile when you did that. Because you were always HAPPY. The simplest things made you happy, and content.
I...am not happy, anymore. YOU were my happiness. For three months, I feel like I have really just been trudging along, like a ghost. It sometimes still feels like this is some bizzarro world, horrible alternate universe that I've been sucked into. And that you're still alive and well, in the REAL universe. But I just can't get there. I'm stuck here, in this awful, dark, terrifyingly empty place, without you.
YES, Pippin is still here. And you KNOW I love him. But...it's not the same. Your brother is...not an easy little man. Me and mom and dad constantly talk about how EASY you were. You would ALWAYS eat your food, with gusto. You would always do your business outside at night, without any fuss. You weren't afraid of thunder, or fireworks. You DID know that Pippin was afraid of it, though. And THAT affected you. Because you were such a sensitive soul, with such a big heart. You would instinctively know when Pippin was upset, and you would try to comfort or distract him, by kissing his ears, or sometimes even by trying to get him to play with you. That just showed what a big ball of LOVE you really were. Of course you got a little annoyed at Pippin too, at times. Growling at him a bit. But you were always right back to kissing his ears just a little while later.
I have NO WORDS for how much I miss you. I sometimes really, REALLY just don't even want to be in this world, without YOU in it, anymore. I actually have no real reason to be here. YES, I have people - and Pippin - depending on me. But I cannot do this, anymore. I am SO tired. I know it's VERY selfish, but there is nothing GOOD left in this world, for ME, anymore. ALL there is, is the dread and fear, and outright TERROR, of when the next horrible thing will happen. Because losing you, my beautiful Lola girl, was already the worst thing I've ever gone through. And I CANNOT do it again. Losing mom, or dad, or Pippin. I DON'T want to be here, for ANY of that. If that makes me selfish, well, then I guess I just am a very selfish person.
That day, three months ago, broke me. It really did. I sometimes play some of it over in my head, and it makes me feel like I'm suffocating when I DO. Remembering you, my always bright and sparky girl, looking so...weak and helpless. And ME, being HELPLESS to HELP you. I could just stand by, watching how you faded away. And yet, even then, I still had hope. I had, somehow, believed that you were going to survive. That you would come back home with us. But you didn't.
I miss you, my baby girl. I miss you so, SO much. And I WANT to be with you again, more than anything.
I love you, my Angel. My Lola girl.