sammydog42
There's an old song I used to sing to my children that had the melody of "Up With People"- I changed the words to make it a song that celebrated them. Sammy had the song too with his own words. I used to hum it to myself every time he'd go trotting along inside, outside, on the beach, when he ran after the ball. It's playing over and over again in my keep when I keep seeing him or looking for him everywhere. What I see is always shadows, or one of the cats or our other big dog. Sammy followed me everywhere whether to brush my teeth, get dressed, make dinner. He was just there. Always with a ball in his mouth.

His life was his ball. He carried it everywhere and carried it outside, inside. He'd have it at night beside his bed and inside waiting for me to throw it constantly. If I went out, I came home and there he was waiting with the ball in his mouth. I threw the ball like he loved every day- he was an amazing catcher twisting in the air on the beach to get it. We have a huge wide hallway in our home where he'd wait everytime I walked by to beg me to throw. I tried as much as I could but sometimes not, and now that makes me so sad. He always had the saddest look on his face when I didn't and would follow me around the house just looking at me sadly. Not begging just softly asking. What I wouldn't give to play catch with him now. Sam loved his ball so much he would lie on his back, hold the ball up with his front paws and drop it in his mouth. When he held the ball up it was like an act of adoration- "I love you my ball, so much".

Sam was diagnosed with a high grade lymphoma two weeks ago that had spread everywhere. I'd brought him to the vet several times before he died and the vet said it was nothing. Even when he'd lost 10 lbs! Brought him somewhere else who immediately diagnosed him. We were able to give him 2 doses of chemo in that last week but his belly was huge and he was in pain. I couldn't bear to watch his abdomen get any bigger for a 3rd dose- he was breathing hard and uncomfortable when he lay down.

We live on the beach and I took him for a last beach walk. It was slow walking and we only went a short way. He kept putting his head between my legs all the way home! I worried that it was he didn't want to go home. But he was panting hard- he kept doing it and when we got home he sat and did it in the driveway- head between my legs. It was just one hour before the vet was coming over to put him to sleep. I agonize that he didn't want to go home and I made him against his will.
His death was peaceful although he had two seizures after the first injection. Again that makes me crazy. Again like he was saying he didn't want to go.

My friend told me that Sam putting his head between my legs on that last walk back home was him telling me he loved me and was thanking me for those daily beach walks and throwing his beloved ball. I wish I could believe that. He was very miserable when he dies but still wanted his ball by his side.

Like everyone else I just wish I could see him again. Just want to throw his ball for him and see him happy again. I love you and miss you Sam! IMG_0094.jpg 
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catiebee
I'm just so sorry for your loss. Sammy sounds like such a wonderful and sweet boy.

Lymphoma is such a horrible disease. I lost my baby girl dog to it on 2/8. I used to sing to her, too.

I'm so sorry about the inept vet. It may not have changed the outcome at all, but how frustrating that was!

Gosh, I know you miss him and I know the pain is just radical for a long time. My heart goes out to you.

I hope you'll keep posting. There are a lot of compassionate people here who understand all too well what you're going through. I wish you much peace and comfort.
Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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sammydog42
Thank you for your compassionate post Catie. I'm so sorry about your little baby girl. I hate it that the pain will be radical as you say. I just keep hoping from some "words" or message from my Sam letting me know that he's OK, or that he forgives me for my limits in how much I played catch with him. But realize that's crazy talk and that it's just time that will take care of answering those questions for me.

Thanks for your loving response. I hope I can give comfort to others the way you have to me.
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MyBella
Dear Nancy,
 
I am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious Sammy, what an absolutely beautiful photo of your handsome Sam, he is truly such a beautiful boy.
I love that Sammy had his own song, and I especially love that you would sing it to him. I did that as well, sang to my little girl, she would cuddle up/lean into me while I sang in the car or at home, and like you, I changed the lyrics to match her.
Oh how you paint a beautiful picture when you describe your Sammy and how much he loves his ball, a true little boy with his favorite toy, so sweet, so adorable, thank you for sharing such a wonderful memory of your sweet Sam.
Nancy, those sweet memories of your Sam are what your heart will need to help it heal, the times that Sammy made you smile, those moments when he made you laugh and especially those times when he did the most cutest things that just melted your heart with love, those are the moments that your Sammy wants you to remember and use when your heart is so broken, but it takes time Nancy, grieving has no time limit, so no need to push or rush yourself....baby steps is the best we can hope for at this time, but man oh man, how each baby step is such a huge accomplishment.....and never worry if you should stumble, and you will, visit here when you do, this beautiful forum has so many wonderful people who understand the pain you are in, the heartbreak you are suffering and the huge hole left behind with the loss of your sweet Sammy.
I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Sammy, continue to sing to your handsome boy, continue to talk to Sammy and let him know that your love for him is still strong...even stronger now, isn't it so beautiful how our love for them grows even stronger. 
Hold your sweet Sammy close to your heart and you will always fell his pure love and light touch your heart with such warmth, bringing with his love, the peace and healing your heart so deserves.
 
Sending our most positive healing thoughts your way, wishing for such peace to always find your heart.
Sincerely, Don & Vera

Image result for in my heart forever pooh
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Lamont
Sending my sympathy, like so many of us who just arrived, I am keenly aware of your sadness. I hope you get along better than I have. It's taken me weeks just to get myself out of the house. 
L
Bertie's Daddy
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sammydog42
MyBella wrote:
Dear Nancy,
 
I am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious Sammy, what an absolutely beautiful photo of your
Nancy, those sweet memories of your Sam are what your heart will need to help it heal, the times that Sammy made you smile, those moments when he made you laugh and especially those times when he did the most cutest things that just melted your heart with love, those are the moments that your Sammy wants you to remember and use when your heart is so broken, but it takes time Nancy, grieving has no time limit, so no need to push or rush yourself....baby steps is the best we can hope for at this time, but man oh man, how each baby step is such a huge accomplishment.....and never worry if you should stumble, and you will, visit here when you do, this

Image result for in my heart forever pooh


Don and Vera- these have to be the most beautiful comforting words I've ever received. I read it out loud to my husband and we had a good long aching cry. I realize that this is going to be a long process for the pain to subside. I appreciate when you say that grieving has no time limit. As much as my adult kids love me and are patient with me I know that they want me to move on. It's not even been a week and my feelings are so overwhelming- it feels like a tsunami and that it will never stop rolling me under the huge wave. Thank you for your warm wonderful words- gives me hope. Much love. Nancy
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sammydog42
Lamont wrote:
Sending my sympathy, like so many of us who just arrived, I am keenly aware of your sadness. I hope you get along better than I have. It's taken me weeks just to get myself out of the house. 
L

Wow, this really helps. I've been sitting for 6 days doing nothing but crying and feels like I'll never leave the house again. I have other pets, a Pyrenees and 4 cats that I'm neglecting with love and attention. But can't get beyond the devastating feelings of loneliness without my buddy.
Thanks for your thoughtful words.
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MyBella
Hi Nancy,

I'm sorry my words made you cry, but I am happy you and your husband were able to share that cry together, it is so wonderful that you have him to share with and it will be so helpful as you both stumble on along this journey of healing together, having someone who understands our pain is a huge step towards healing.

Your kids love you so much, they can't stand to see you in such pain and they feel helpless that they can't or even know how to remove that pain for you. My own kids, (also all adults), kept trying to get me a new little girl, thinking that was what I needed, but luckily Vera gave me a head-ups about their plans and I was able to tell her to thank them, but I'm not ready, I need to heal before I can even think about bringing a new little girl into my life. For our children to see us in such pain, is probably more than they know what to do or deal with, it is never easy to lose such a valued and loved member of our family. I imagine for our children, (even our adult children), it is even harder to see their parent so sad and heartbroken.

You will heal in your own time, your heart will find the peace in those beautiful memories and moments that your precious Sammy gave you over the years, tears will fall with those memories, but eventually those tears will soften and a beautiful smile will replace them, the tears will never be completely eliminated, but your days will be filled with more smiles in honor of your handsome Sammy.....but it takes time Nancy.......there's no rush......

Please give my best wishes to your husband, let him know he has an understanding person in me.
Wishing such peace, healing and love to you and your husband's hearts, may you always know and feel the pure light of your handsome Sammy each and every day.

From our hearts to yours, Don & Vera
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