I lost someone extremely special just a few days ago on the last day of August, 2019. My white standard poodle Harmony only 8 yrs old.
It was unexpected and traumatic. I took her to the Vet bc i knew something was off.. but i never thought in a million years.. i'd be leaving without her. I feel sick.. sick to my stomach. I can't eat, i can't sleep, force myself to drink water. I wasn't ready.. and neither was she. She was so confused and worried as she laid on the metal table.. as the doctor gave us the news..both of us fearing the (un)known. My heart crumbled into a million pieces. Everything is a blur.. i can't remember what the dr even looks like.
We dealt with your hips and worked through them.. you were so brave.. After i got married the end of May we dealt with you getting pneumonia.. cycle after cycle of antibiotics.. you were brave and we worked through it. My fighter. But i knew something was off that Friday before you died. You were unable to walk but you would try. You would stand and the bottom half of your body would give out. I stayed up with you late.. i gave you water from a little spoon. When i woke up.. you've barely moved. I helped you walk outside, holding your hips with a towel and my hands.
My husband and I went to breakfast.. we discussed and both thought it may be her hip dysplasia bothering her. On our way back home - i insisted that my Husband stop at Starbucks to get a puppuccino for our girl. Thinking it'd give calories and energy... it's her favorite. She devoured willingly. I AM SO GLAD.
We were lucky to get an appt within an hour of calling the Vet. Dr. examined her, put her in on the ground and felt her stomach. Without warning he took her into the back room. We were confused. A few minutes later one of the Techs came back into the room with tears in her eyes and all she could say was ‘I’m so sorry’ I screamed with frustration asking WHAT IS HAPPENING. Doctor came back into the room and told us our Harmy was internally bleeding and her abdomen was full of blood. An undetected tumor in her abdomen had ruptured. She wouldn’t have made it through surgery. I screamed – I didn’t understand. I kept asking how and why..
I feel like I’ve let her down. I hope she felt the endless love I have for her. I hope I gave her the life she deserves. I hope that I was enough for her.
I held her paws, brushed her hair from her face and eyes and kissed her as she took her last breath.. her head resting on her favorite baby Mr. Lamby.
Now I’m home, and she’s not. I’m alive and she’s not. Nothing feels right. I sit here in your bed and haven’t let my grasp go on your Mr. Lamby. My heart is shattered. I don’t know how to let go and accept. I’m not ready. I can’t stop crying. I MISS YOU. Grateful for your unconditional love.. but I don’t know how to be me..without you.
Until we meet again my sweet Harmony.