I miss my life with you in it.. I liked that life it was one I had grown so accustomed too and was happy..You brought me joy every morning as those sad eyes would light up and gleam with excitement as you knew your day was starting with my arrival..the patience you would show all those times and then so much excitement made me feel special.. I think back now in what seems like yesterday but also feels like a eternity at those thoughts of you being here.. Your sister who was half your size but could be your twin reminds me of you and sleeps with me now in the bed being so bonded to you its been hard..I don't remember her having bad dreams but since you went away they come in multiples every night often waking me to comfort her..she has lost that hyper that we both often shared incredulous looks at her craziness..I miss you so much and I know no words do you or that missing justice in just how much and all the why's that made up you and life we had together..you were and are a part of me and I was what started your day and that lives on forever in my heart but your absence now weighs heavy on my soul..the guilt I feel is toxic and the hurt in how you left has left me heartbroken..just like our little life and family we had and built up together I always thought about the end and was sure it would be happy one tho sad.. Now I feel like I let you down and that others did as well including a professional that was your one last life preserver to that ending it could of been.. People don't understand even those close I've found to a loss..they feel sad offer there condolences and move on with whatever they have planned but here its not like that and I offer my thoughts to not feel so alone and to put my beautiful boy aka my Jazzy boy on paper.. Its important to me its a release until I fill up again and can't breath and thoughts of things to do or a place to go makes me feel like mt everest right now..I took Lana to doggie park today it was her first time there.. she cried running 10 ft was greeted but came running back again almost jumping in my lap only to go off crying and whining and do it again..noone I brought could understand and sadly I got it and explained she is going through each greeting no matter how scared looking for you her jazz her buddy her partner..I'm trying to be there for her but with all the road trips and you sleeping on each other you've made it hard big guy..I wish there was no regret to your passing away and I wish I wasn't left angry and remorseful for you at what could of been..I always knew it would be hard but never this hard and heartbreaking..like we all hope for when its time I so wanted and was sure to give it to you.. Your loss was so early and unexpected and I wasn't ready and now feel like with all you we're to me I wouldn't ever be.. But the remorse is killing me and your loss has removed the best part of my life seeing you and starting my day..your dearly missed.. "Where's my big guy" always with me just with you were here..  
George king
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