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1967Pinecone

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Reply with quote  #16 
You aren't the only one who feels sick. People keep asking me if I have the flu because my nose and eyes are red and my face is so dry and chapped from constantly crying. I don't think anyone around me understands what I'm going through. I ALMOST quit my job and decided I would regret that decision later on, but I was close to it. I am angry at the world right now. I even called the sheriff's office and told them they can turn my driveway into a speed trap if they want, since it was most likely a speeding driver who killed my feral baby Stripes.
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"Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow" and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed." Khalil Gibran
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Gracesmom

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Reply with quote  #17 
It is going to take time.
And it is true that time never heals the heart.
Time only helps with the intensity of the pain.
The scar will always be there.

But, time does help ease the intensity of the pain-
So, that one day you can think about your pet and laugh about his/her funny antics, instead of crying at the thought of him/her.

Time is a gift in that way.
But, the scar still remains-
I still cry whenever I hear the song
“Amazing Grace”-but now the tears also have laughter from remembering Grace’s funny times.

am sorry that you are feeling so sad.
Grieving is a process, and it is painful-
But necessary to accept your loss.
In other words, grieving just plain sucks.

And, grieving is different for everyone.
Just be patient with yourself.
It will get better.
Even though it feels like it never will.



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Gracesmom

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Reply with quote  #18 
In the meantime-
I imagine her up there—

Princess Grace in her palace sipping salmon martinis with her sister Anna as her butler.

Hey, Mitookie is probably sharing cocktails with Grace right now.

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ForMitookie_03

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Reply with quote  #19 
Thank you to everyone for your kind words.  We are all hurting so badly.  I find strength in the words that you all share with me.  At least I know I'm not crazy or abnormal for the enormous amount of pain I'm in.  I left work early yesterday and didn't go in today either.  I think I need to go back because there are reminders all around me.  It's hard for me to walk into the kitchen because there he would be, right at my heels, wanting the pieces of rotisserie chicken he got everyday.  I miss my sweet boy so much.  I have another lovely kitty, Moses.  Although I love him with all of my heart, and I know he tries to comfort me, he isn't Mitookie.  I hold onto him and it does help, but what I wouldn't do for just one more day with my Mitookie.  
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Marina ~ Mitookie's Mom
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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #20 
Dear Marina, 

I can feel the hurt in your posts. Death is cruel and grief is unspeakably hard. I'm so sorry the vet messed up and wouldn't hear you. That makes a tough tough loss even more bitter.  Sixteen years is a very long time and I'd expect deep and relentless grief to come with the territory of the long, loving relationship you had with him. Don't worry about what anybody may think. Abiding love is the reason for grief. And grief has its way of carrying us along. Of crashing into us. Of insisting that we attend to its pains. I want you to know I'm really sorry you find yourself in this place. Of joining a club no one wants to belong to. It's devastating. 

Do you need to talk about the way the vet wouldn't hear you, and the concerns you tried to get tended? Or anything you're feeling today? I believe strongly in that expressing what's in our hearts and being heard with compassion is a healing thing. I guess I'm saying, please keep talking, writing here, if you need to. No one will get tired of your heartache, even if you need to say some things over and over. We've been there, we are there.

Mitookie must have been a very, very special boy. You may not be ready. But if you ever feel like describing how wonderful he was, I'd like to know more about him.

Thinking of you today and wishing you many comforts.



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-Missing Marissa deeply
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exit30

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Reply with quote  #21 
So sorry for your loss Marina, just know that everyone here has been where you are at, and knows the pain you are feeling. Be easy on yourself, give yourself time to mourn, be upset, angry, cry, it is all part of losing your best friend. There is no time limit. 
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exburt

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Reply with quote  #22 
You absolutely are not crazy.  What you're going through is "normal", though that word doesn't quite get to the level of how we feel after the death of a loved one. Yes, it hurts this much. Anyone who thinks you're crazy isn't worth wasting a second worrying about. The grief you're going through is miserable, but it'll get better with time. The fact that you'll always miss Mitooki is a great way to honor him. 

I think many of us have "what-ifs" when it comes to our vets. In our case, I'm pretty sure we lost our cat prematurely because our vet miscalculated the impact of the side effects of hyperthyroid medication on an old cat. One of those "the operation was a success, but the patient died" scenarios.  Even with this, by and large the vets I've interacted with over the years have been caring, dedicated people who do the best they can with patients that can't tell them what's wrong. When you feel up to it, maybe it'd help getting through this to discuss where you think this vet may have come up short. It bothers me to read that you were ignored.  

All the best to you, and keep in touch with the folks here. 

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Gracesmom

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Reply with quote  #23 
Marina-
I lost both Anna and Grace within three of each
-and they were both healthy cats.

I had just gone through a very messy break up-
Anna and Grace were all that I had.
They were my my best friends, my only family, and my support.

You are not crazy.

When I walked into that big quiet empty house for the first time in 16 years, I just sat and stared at the wall for two days without moving.
I could not move.
I was just numb with shock.
All I could hear was the quietness of that huge house-and I watched it get dark and I watched the sun come back up twice-
I was paralyzed.

I seriously did not move for two entire days.

As you can imagine, once the reality actually did hit me-the pain was so intense.

I am 5’11 and I weigh 125 lbs.
After Anna and Grace died, my weight got down to 95 lbs.

Grief is different for everyone-
I could not talk to anybody at all.
I was a zombie.
I stayed like that for months, and then I just started accepting the loss and healing.

Anybody who tells you to “just get over it-it was only a cat”-just does not understand.
I don’t think they are heartless, they just do not understand.

I grieved and I guess I still am grieving their deaths more than I grieved any member of my family.
Time has been the best gift to me.
Time has helped with the intensity of the loss-
But time will never get rid of the scar-
And whoever tells you that “time heals all wounds” is only lying To themselves.

But, I do promise you that it does get easier.
And I do promise you that you will survive.
Whatever you have to do to grieve the loss-
Do it.
Be patient with yourself.

But I promise, I promise, that things do get better.

Much love,
Rachel


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ForMitookie_03

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Reply with quote  #24 
Thanks to everyone for your kind words and for sharing your stories.  I feel better knowing this ongoing agony is completely normal.  I don't feel better about the agony, but I don't feel so alone in my grief.  Today is first day I've been able to get through without completely breaking down and falling apart.  Although the day isn't over yet.  Oh the tears were there, but I forced myself to keep busy.  Broke down last night though.  There is still so much regret, so much guilt, so much emptiness.  You all have helped to alleviate my sorrow. 
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Marina ~ Mitookie's Mom
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ForMitookie_03

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Reply with quote  #25 
Exburt, your post really intrigued me because Mitookie died two days after surgery to remove his second thyroid gland.  He had his first thyroid surgery in March of 2016 and I wanted them to take both glands at that time, but they didn't and the second gland grew to 2.5 times it's normal size and had cysts all over it.  He had been on medication for hyperthyroidism for at least 3-4 years.  He was a senior kitty.  He had unrelenting diarrhea for over a year before the vet finally suggested taking the second thyroid gland.  He didn't check a calcium and Mitookie had a critically low calcium level when I got him to the emergency vet after he had a seizure at home.  I had just taken him to the vet earlier in the day for fluids.  I told him Mitookie was twitching weirdly and dry heaving and hadn't eaten in 2 days.  The vet thought he would be fine and he was dead 8 hours later.  I believe if I had been more persistent about his care, Mitookie would be alive today.  I could be wrong.  He was old and he had been sick a long time.  But I feel deep down he could've pulled through.  I guess I'll never know.  Feeling sadness, guilt, anger, despair, and everything else that goes along with losing a beloved pet.  Thank you for your post. 

Marina

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Marina ~ Mitookie's Mom
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ForMitookie_03

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Reply with quote  #26 
So I have been praying for God to let me know Mitookie is okay and forgives me for not being able to save him.  I read on this forum about people receiving signs and was wondering if it was possible.  Well, I don't know if this was a sign, but I went to my jeweler today to pick up some jewelry I was having repaired.  He has a "shop" cat that stays there with him while he works.  She is such a sweet cat.  Well today when I walked in, I didn't see the cat, but there was a small fuzzy white mouse on the floor.  That was Mitookie's favorite toy.  He used to bring it to me and drop it and I would throw it and he would fetch.  Sometimes he would carry it around in his mouth and make a weird cry.  I always knew he had "mousy" when I heard that.  I would tell him to go get "mousy" and he knew what I meant.  It was always a white one, even though we had gray ones around as well.  When I finally took the bedding out of his carrier after he passed, a little white mouse fell out of the carrier.  I just broke down.  I felt sad that I didn't whisper in his ear to go get mousy when he was going to sleep for the last time.  Then I see the exact same kind of little white mouse at the jeweler today.  Of course the kitty came out to play with it.  But I couldn't help but wonder if that was a sign, telling me Mitookie is playing with his little white mouse at the Rainbow Bridge, and that he loves me and knows I tried my best to save him.  I want to believe that.  I really do.   
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Marina ~ Mitookie's Mom
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Gracesmom

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Reply with quote  #27 
Marina,
Grief comes in waves-
You are also normal.

You will be doing okay
And then you will sink under a wave of grief.
All of that is normal.

I still feel the waves even now-
It is just part of the loss.
But just ride the wave out-
And be patient.

I really do think I need to finish illustrating my
“Love, Grace” book and get it published.
It makes me feeel good that my Baby Angel Grace can comfort others.

You will see him again.
It is not forever-

As Grace told me:


“Mom,
I wanted to stay with you forever,
but I couldn’t.
I am sorry that I had to leave you.

We will see each other again soon.
I forgive you.

I know that you loved me,
and I know that you would never
have done anything to hurt me.
I trusted you 100 percent.

We had a wonderful life together.
We will see each other again.

I want you to move on now,
and live your life.
I want you to be happy.

I am waiting for you—
And I will always be your Baby Angel.

Love,
Grace “


Maybe Grace’s letter will bring you comfort also.

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Gracesmom

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Reply with quote  #28 
Mitookie knew that you loved him and would have never done anything to hurt him. He loved you and trusted you. He forgives you-‘and now he is free.
No more pain.

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ForMitookie_03

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Reply with quote  #29 
Thank you Grace.  Thank you so much.
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Marina ~ Mitookie's Mom
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Gracesmom

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Reply with quote  #30 
This is my Baby Angel Grace

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