Bigcatsdad

We had to put my buddy, my big black cat down and I’m so broken heart-ed. Albert was 16, he was a big black cat, not fat, just a big friendly guy of 22 pounds. He was the friendliest cat you would ever meet, he never hissed or scratched anyone and loved people and loved to be around people. One week he just wasn’t himself, he just wanted to be in dark places by himself and was sick to his stomach a lot. A few days later he started to come back around a bit  but would hardly eat or drink. We took him to the vet and she found a mass in his abdomen, not sure if a tumor or cancer but pressing into his other organs. My girlfriend had a flash back to one of her previous cats that had the same thing happened and after numerous tests and vet visits had to put her to sleep. She didn’t want to put Albert through the same pain and we were also told that frequently older cats would not survive major surgery. We made the painful decision to put him to sleep before things really got worse. I was there holding him through it all and after he passed – the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. This was two weeks ago and I still cry everyday. I miss him so much, my heart is just broken in two. Albert used to come up in the morning if I wasn’t out of bed to check on me and give me heck in his own way for not being up yet. He would come to the front door to see me off every morning and would get off his favorite blanket on the couch and come over and welcome me home after work each day. It’s so painful now every morning and everyday after work when I open the door and he’s not there. I now feel so guilty and regretful I maybe should have stepped in and we should have done more tests and vet care. I didn’t want to see him suffer either but I feel so bad. Our house is so quiet now and is just not the same. I never realized how attached I was and how much I loved Albert until he was gone. He has left a big black void in my life that I don’t think I will every get over. 


Bigcatsdad
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LUCYLULU

Oh Bigcatsdad~  

I am so very sorry to read about Albert. What a handsome boy! And he sounds so smart, friendly & your very special bud. After I lost Lucy in 11/2015, I hated going home to an empty, quiet house. Didn't feel like a 'home' anymore. It felt like my hollow heart-- just so sad all the time. Then there were days when I didn't want to get up & face the day almost like 'Groundhog Day' but much worse. Same sadness upon waking. Same sadness & replay when I'd tried to sleep. It's wicked. 

Just try to go slow...day or hour or minute at a time. And talk to him...as if he was physically with you. May sound 'cuckoo' but it really helped me to talk aloud to Lucy. And I asked for 'signs' to help me through the loneliness. Took awhile but when I got the 'signs' or 'pokes', it brought a moment of quiet & calm. I knew she was with me. Albert is always with you. He's a part of you and loves you forever. I venture to add, he knows that you loved him so much that you made the unselfish decision to end his pain. Now you carry the pain. But you didn't want him to suffer. Albert knows you thought only of him.  I wish you peace in these difficult days & months ahead. And return to this forum. It helped me so much because everyone here 'gets it'...the gut wrenching, heart hurting pain you feel.

Hugs, Kasey

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Bigcatsdad
Thank you so much for your kind words, much appreciated. I never realized that so many other people are affected with pain and sadness with the loss of a pet before I found this website and forum. Some of the posts I've read bring tears to my eyes as I feel the same heart break and pain. It's nice to know you can comment and maybe make a difference in some ones day.
I sleep with Albert's ashes in his urn beside my pillow every night. I say good night and good morning and always let him know how much I miss him. Time may numb the pain but I will never forget him. It's nice to think he is always with me even when I cant see him. I will talk to him even more now.

Thank you,
Bigcatsdad
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Jan_H
Bigcatsdad,

I am very sorry for your loss of your sweet, handsome Albert. Sounds like he was a wonderful and special cat who was very much loved. Last year my big, sweet boy, Jagger, was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 17. Like you, I chose to end his suffering rather than put him through treatment, long car rides and numerous vet visits when there was little hope for success. It all seemed to happen so fast.

I feel that animals can reach a part of hearts that others don't and when they are gone it is heartbreaking. In time the pain eases and a scar forms that will always be a remembrance of our beloved, furry friend.

My condolences,
Jan
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Bigcatsdad
Thank you for your kind thoughts. I'm so sorry for your loss of Jagger, my heart goes out to you.
It's coming up on three weeks ago, it gotten a little better but I still cry every day. I had questions I never had a chance to ask the vet as the shock and heart break of all of this. Last week the guilt and regret was almost unbearable. Should I have done more care, more vet visits or surgery even though they said most older pet frequently would not survive it? I composed myself and spoke with the vet, she told me they did another quick examination on Albert after he had passed and we left him. She said the mass in his abdomen was the size of a small orange in among his bowels, intestines and pressing into his other organs, surgery would not have been an option. This has eased the guilt and regret and pain a little and we didn't prolong his pain but I still sure miss him every day.
I'm hoping as time goes on the sadness will start to fade.
I keep the good memories and spirit of him close to my heart which will be there forever.
Bigcatsdad
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onesharon
Bigcatsdad- it is so kind of you to reach out to so many others even during your grief.  I’m sure Albert had the best life ever with you, and is still watching over you now.
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Bigcatsdad
Thank you so much.
I miss the big guy so much every day, it's just not the same with out him. I still cry every day but it slowly getting a little better. I was really struggling when it first happened, my friends don't own pets, they were saddened but they didn't understand the pain and heart break I was feeling. The same with my colleagues at work. My girlfriend was not as close to Albert as I was, she was feeling pretty bad but not as heart broken as I felt. When I found this website and forum it really helped. I didn't realize how many other people have been through and were going through the same feelings and sadness. Some even worse than my experience. It helps to be able to relate to the sadness and pain, guilt and regret.
If I can offer a few words of comfort that can maybe ease the pain of another person going through the same darkness just a little, it makes me feel a little better. Some of the posts bring tears to my eyes, such sad stories and I can relate with the same devastation, emptiness, sadness and heart break of an experience like this. This has been worse sorrow than other deaths of friends and relatives in the past that I've gone through. I don't quite understand why. There are so many others here that are feeling the same way. They say everyone grieves differently and it all takes time. I don't know how long it will take me but I know I will have a piece of my heart that Albert took with him that will never be replaced.
Bigcatsdad
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Memories_of_Marmalade

Dear BigCatsDad,

Albert was a handsome lad. It is so easy to hear in your words the great love and appreciation you had for your big boy. I lost my own cat 9 months ago and he was my best friend in the World. A tough, street smart, scrappy Tom Cat (never fixed) named "Marmalade." He had been the King of a Feral and Stray colony (even though he was the smallest at around 9 lbs.) when our paths crossed 850 miles away from Los Angeles, Ca. in the dusty streets of New Mexico.

He was my son, my comrade in arms, my love and my light and he saved my life counteless times. He taught me so many things like how to live in the moment and enjoy it, and to be grateful no matter how tough things were. We had quite an adventure together and endured many hardships. We were on the road back to L.A. for 3 1/2 months and even when we were hungry and in a new location, he would still purr away simply that we were together and he appeared to be so content. He never ran from me and stuck to my side like a loyal dog. I could walk him 400 feet in our neighborhood and when it was time to return to where we resided, he would follow. 

In the end I choose to put my dear lad to sleep. As he just seemed to be becoming a shadow of his former self. He couldn't eat nor drink and had complications from surgery. I could not permit him to suffer any further. Not on my watch.

They say: "When you choose to end your pets suffering, and show them mercy by ending their pain, you then absorb that pain onto yourself, and process it and release it through your grief. That is the bargain that we make."

I am so sorry to read of your significant loss. Like yours, my loss hit me very hard. The worse grief I have ever experienced for the longest time. I have only recently begun to come out of it and at one point had to go to a Mental Health E.R. and obtain a prescription for antidepressants, which I think really helped me to cope and begin to heal. My heart had been broken into a billion pieces.

Two months after Marmalade's passing I encountered a wounded kitten on the street and adopted him. I named him "KID." He has brought an incredible amount of love, companionship, laughter, smiles and joy into my life, that I never assumed I would experience again. Marmalade liked kittens. The females in his colony trusted him with them, even those he had not sired. He would escort the kittens to feedings at our backdoor. I think he would have gotten a kick out of KID.

It is remarkable to me that these little ethereal animals can have such an incredible and profound impact on our lives and happiness. How is this so? How can such love exist in this World? And who are we to receive it? It is truly miraculous in so many ways. We are so blessed to have known such love in our lifetimes.

I send you healing wishes and prayers. 

Kind regards & my sincerest condolences,
James
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Bigcatsdad
James,
Thank you for your kind thoughts,
I'm so very sad for your loss of Marmalade, your special bud. I never realized my bond with Albert and how much he meant to me until right after he passed, then it really hit me hard. It's almost a month ago but I still miss him every minute of every day.
We adopted Albert and a little calico cat Chloe that were 8 months old from the SPCA. A week or two after we brought them home the SPCA had to euthanize all the cats in the facility due to a bad outbreak of feline distemper. I'm so glad we rescued these two from that and gave them a loving home for over 15 years. I'm so glad Albert became a part of my journey in life. He made such a difference. I could be having the worst day at work, he would come over and welcome me home as I walked in and would always understand. He would lay on my chest as I was in my chair and purr loudly and make my stress melt away and almost say hey dad, it's OK, I understand, lets just chill. It hurt so bad to have to end his pain but I know he is happy now and not suffering. It's amazing how these furry companions give us unconditional love and touch us and form such a bond with us.
I'm so glad you found KID, sounds like he is helping with your loss and sadness and has made a big difference in your experience.
It's very slowly getting a bit better but I still get tears in my eyes leaving and coming home and I have a few bad days here and there when the tears and sadness really come back. It all takes time for the broken pieces of our heart to somehow heal. I'm glad KID is there to help yours.
My heart goes out to you, Marmalade and the new guy - KID
Thank you,

Bigcatsdad
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Bigcatsdad

Dearest Albert,

It's been a little over a month now and not one minute of the day goes by that I don't miss you so terribly much. I get up in the morning and you are not there to come say good morning. You are not at the door to see me off when I leave, you are not there to jump off your favorite blanket on the couch and welcome me back home every day. You are not there to remind me when breakfast or supper time is when I’m just a little late and you are not there to lay on my chest when I go to bed with your face four inches away from mine and one of your big paws draped over the side of my neck to purr me to sleep. You joined me on my journey through life; we put down tracks, four paw prints and two foot prints. You had to leave me now, there are only two foot prints left for now I carry you in my heart and my soul. I know there was nothing too much else I could have done and your pain and failing health was not prolonged. But, I would do almost anything for one day with you, one more night watching TV with you in my chair with you stretched out across my chest, one more cat nap with you in the late afternoon sun. You used to walk across my laptop keyboard and once in a while your big paw would hit the off button and shut it off right in the middle of my work. I used to get so mad and tell you that, I would take it all back just to have you do that just one more time. The house is so quiet and empty now it's just not the same, just like my life. I miss you so much and I tell your ashes that every day. You were there through all the good times and bad and everything in between. You were one cat that knew how to find a comfy place to cat nap and helped me chill out when the days were stressful. You never hissed, scratched or were unkind to anyone. You were my buddy, my big black cat. It’s so hard without you as I never realized how much you meant to me until you passed. When you were not feeling well towards the end, I hugged you and I told you that you had to get better because I didn't know what I would do without you. Now, here I am, I don’t know what to do without you. You took a piece of my broken heart with you when you left that I won’t get back until we meet again someday when my journey finally comes to an end. Until then I will truly never be the same.

I miss you bud and I always will.

IMG_20190428_174708.jpg 

Bigcatsdad
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Furbabies78
Bigcatsdad wrote:

Dearest Albert,

It's been a little over a month now and not one minute of the day goes by that I don't miss you so terribly much. I get up in the morning and you are not there to come say good morning. You are not at the door to see me off when I leave, you are not there to jump off your favorite blanket on the couch and welcome me back home every day. You are not there to remind me when breakfast or supper time is when I’m just a little late and you are not there to lay on my chest when I go to bed with your face four inches away from mine and one of your big paws draped over the side of my neck to purr me to sleep. You joined me on my journey through life; we put down tracks, four paw prints and two foot prints. You had to leave me now, there are only two foot prints left for now I carry you in my heart and my soul. I know there was nothing too much else I could have done and your pain and failing health was not prolonged. But, I would do almost anything for one day with you, one more night watching TV with you in my chair with you stretched out across my chest, one more cat nap with you in the late afternoon sun. You used to walk across my laptop keyboard and once in a while your big paw would hit the off button and shut it off right in the middle of my work. I used to get so mad and tell you that, I would take it all back just to have you do that just one more time. The house is so quiet and empty now it's just not the same, just like my life. I miss you so much and I tell your ashes that every day. You were there through all the good times and bad and everything in between. You were one cat that knew how to find a comfy place to cat nap and helped me chill out when the days were stressful. You never hissed, scratched or were unkind to anyone. You were my buddy, my big black cat. It’s so hard without you as I never realized how much you meant to me until you passed. When you were not feeling well towards the end, I hugged you and I told you that you had to get better because I didn't know what I would do without you. Now, here I am, I don’t know what to do without you. You took a piece of my broken heart with you when you left that I won’t get back until we meet again someday when my journey finally comes to an end. Until then I will truly never be the same.

I miss you bud and I always will.

IMG_20190428_174708.jpg 

I feel this post so much. This is the most heartbreaking thing ever. Its been a month since I lost my Suri and Im just so devastated. I feel so hopeless. I miss everything about her. 17 years of unconditional love.
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Bigcatsdad
I'm so sorry for your loss of Suri, she sounded like a loving companion of many years.
We never realize how close we get to our furry loved ones and what an integral part of our life the become until they have to leave us.Then it's total devastation. This is some of the most intense pain and heart break I have ever felt in my life and I can imagine you feel the same. There is such a deep empty void left, it's just so hard. They say pain is part of healing, I don't know how long it will take to fully heal, it has been a little bit better but then I will have a bad day when it all comes back again and I feel so bad.
My heart goes out to you, and Suri
Bigcatsdad
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Michelemh
So sorry. I had a black cat once. She was one of my favorites. So friendly. It is very hard losing them.

Michele
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Bigcatsdad
Yes, it's so hard to let them go. We take it for granted sometimes that our little ones will be there forever, then when things happen and they have to leave us its so heart breaking. We just don't realize how much they mean to us and what a difference they made in our lives until they're gone. I guess that's what hurts the most.
Bigcatsdad
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Buddy_Mama
Oh Bigcatsdad, your Albert looks a lot like my Buddy. I lost Buddy on Saturday night, and am having the same very hard time handling it. Like your Albert, my Buddy was never mean, never hissed or scratched, welcomed me home, came to our bedroom every morning and watched me get ready in the bathroom, followed me if I went into a different room, stayed by my side, literally comforted me. He was my little shadow, my little panther. I still can't quite believe he's gone, and I cry every day and feel such despair. The only thing that gives me slight relief is being able to share the unbearable pain with others here who are experiencing it too. My husband's aunt told me the day after Buddy died that she grieves more for animals than for fellow humans, because animals are more kind. My husband added that animals love unconditionally. It is indeed so terribly hard to let them go. Hugs to all of you here.
Cindy (Buddy’s mama)
My baby Buddy 5/4/10-3/7/20, rescued March 2011
My sweet Mandy 11/27/91-11/2/10, rescued November 1992
My beautiful Barney 4/28/73-9/7/92, adopted May 1973
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