Rocsnme22
My baby Rocco was 9 years old and he was my world! I lived for that little guy and I felt like he lived for me. We were so connected! I could walk in from work and he would always look at my eyes like he was looking into my soul to see how his momma was that day. I could look into his and always knew what my little guy was thinking, needing or if he was hurting. He was the strongest little guy I ever knew. He was my protector and my best friend. Our favorite days were just him and I hanging out with no TV on and just watching the rain or relaxing on the couch watching the world go by out of our bay window. (which was his favorite place to wait for me and watch over the neighborhood) we called Rocco our neighborhood mascot. All the dogs and neighbors loved my little guy. They all took great care of him while his momma went on vacation or was gone out of town for work. He was so loved! He gave so much love and had a heart of gold. Sweetest pup ever!!!

Rocco collapsed in 2013 when we were walking at the park one day. We thought it was heat exhaustion but as time went on and I took him to get his teeth cleaned the vet called me back and said I had to come get him his temperature was spiking from being anxious and his temp went to 106 and he almost stroked out. This would happen with car rides and walk and when we took him to Purdue it seemed he had a rare genetic disorder that caused his temp to rise in stressful situations. At that point we watched him carefully, had at home vets so we wouldn't get him to that point and I still tried to make his life as fun and normal as possible. Instead of going to the park we would put a blanket outside in our front yard and pretend we were at the park. We would hang out on the deck and look up at the stars. He was my best friend. He loved the outdoors and we loved doing everything outside together. We had to keep the house very cool in the summer because if he got too hot he couldn't breathe well because of his condition. When it got real hot out in the summer there were a few times we thought we may lose him because he was in the closet over the air conditioner vent trying to cool off but that little guy hung in there and always made it through anything. He was the strongest guy I ever knew!

This year in May we noticed that he was started to get sneezing attacks and we had an at home vet come check him out. She thought it was just allergies and we gave him apoquel hoping that would help. Needless to say the sneezing was getting worse and he started bleeding when he sneezed. He started getting a growth in his left nostril that grew fast and furious and was so aggressive. His whole left side of his nostril was almost completely shut and it was starting to bleed like crazy. Because of his overheating condition the vet felt that it would be very risky to sedate him and get him to get xrays or a ct scan. He can stroke out within minutes when he gets stressed out. At Purdue even with the sedation drugs it was like he was wired it did the opposite to him. After looking at him she said it was most like nasal cancer and the best thing to do would be to make him comfortable because when she examined him the tumor was now in his right nostril. Oh my poor baby! My heart sank to the ground.....he already couldn't breathe through his right side because it was completely closed but now he had to suffer and not be able to get air through that one too! Cancer is so mean and angry!!!! The right side of his nose started bleeding and we couldn't stop it at times it was like water. His nose was so raw and swollen. We changed his meds and that seemed to make his blood thicker and his nose wasn't so raw. My vet suggested a Chinese herb that helped with the clotting of his blood. She also started him on gabapentin for the pain. The herb was helping but he still had bouts of bleeding and we were so afraid that when he was sleeping he would bleed and we wouldn't know it. We had a few incidents that he bled at night and woke up to see it. I started sleeping on the couch every night with him to watch over him and so he didn't have to go up the stairs because his nose was closed it was hard for him to do that because he would get so out of breath. When he ate or drank his little nose would start to bleed and you could hear him almost choking on the blood that went down his throat. The other side of his nostril was closing up fast. The tumor had spread to the other side now. He was barely breathing out of his nose. He would lay with his arms apart so he could get air. He would go on the couch and put his neck up on the arm like he was getting air. But he always acted like he was Rocco. He would get his toy for us and meet us at the door and love on us. He never acted like he was in pain. The vet said I would know when it was time and he would tell me. But with a lab they just keep going. She said not to gauge it by him eating because they will always eat and he kept on going with all his favorite things.

But the night after Thanksgiving I slept by him and his breathing seemed so limited through his nose and it hurt so much to see my baby try to get air through his nose. He had a bad sneezing attack that morning and his nose was bleeding. In my heart I couldn't let him suffer like this anymore. I felt like he was suffocating slowly. But he was hanging in there for his momma. I didn't want his nose to completely close up and I wasn't there if he needed me. I didn't want his nose to start bleeding and I wasn't there to stop it. My vet said if I waited much longer it would be an emergency situation and she knew I loved my baby so much that I couldn't live with myself if that happened. She said he could go into respiratory failure. So that morning after hearing how he was barely breathing his nose I made a decision to call my vet. I can honestly tell you my body must of shut down because I don't know how I did that. I sent her a pic of his nose and a video of his breathing. We agreed it was time.
My whole family came to see him and spend the day with him. They brought him burgers, treats, we went for a long walk and jumped in the leaves with him. We took him for a jeep ride and he did everything like he was perfectly healthy. That is what is so hard because his brain was there but his body was breaking down. Even when my vet came that night he jumped right up to her like Hi please give me those treats you always give me please!! But I couldn't let him not breathe or risk it getting worse and him suffer anymore. She gave him the sedative and fell into my arms. I will never forget that look in his eyes like momma what is happening? I don't feel right! I held him close and talked to him the entire time told him his momma is right in his heart always and he is in mine. I told him our morning prayer/poem that I said for him for all our years together as he crossed the rainbow bridge. We kept him overnight and we held him close and slept next to him until we took him to get cremated. I couldn't believe my baby was gone! As he left I kept saying run baby run you can breathe again. I felt I did it for him so he could be at peace and not gasping to get air or not bleed anymore or be sick. But I am ridden with guilt like maybe if I would have done another medicine, or took him in for tests? Did I do all I could? Did I kill my baby? I just keep walking around in a daze and saying I'm so sorry! I miss him so much it hurts and at times I feel like I can't move. I loved my baby so much.... Has anyone else ever felt like this after you put your baby to rest? He was still so Rocco in his actions but his little body was breaking down....being without him and putting him down is tearing me up inside. Miss him more than anything. I pray he understands and he's not mad at his momma. I would have given anything to have him healthy and with me today. my heart feels broken without him. I keep asking myself if I could have done or would have done this or that different would he still be with me? Each morning when I open my eyes my heart breaks and I can't believe my baby is gone and that I put him to rest. Did I do all I could have done???? The guilt... missing my baby is so hard! I pray he knows his momma loves him and just didn't want it to spread and him to suffer more. He will live in my heart forever and I pray that we will see each other again and he will greet me with is big Rocco kisses. I pray the guilt goes away and my heart is filled with peace and comfort that I did the right thing for my baby.

Thank you for listening. I was at the candle memorial last night and all of you are amazing. I felt your kindness and understanding. That meant so much to me and my little guy!


Laura
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gizmomybaby
I am so deeply sorry for your loss of your baby Rocco Yeh I think wee all question ourself to the point it rips our mind apart , it's the most horrendous feeling ever , they say wee have set them free from pain but in setting them free our pain begins , my baby boy gizmo had a Basel tumour he passed over 2 years ago I never thought pain could feel like that it was the first time a felt true heartache he was my boy my world , I had to get my big pup pts over 2 months ago and am kilt inside I can't come to terms with it as he wasn't sick he was showing signs of aggression, I never though I could feel as bad as losing my gizmo but losen my Reggie is ripped my world apart I will never forgive myself x plz know a feel your pain and plz take care sending you huggs x
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Rocsnme22
I am truly sorry for your pain too. That had to be so hard! My heart breaks for you! It is  also so hard because they are our world and the love they give us is so unconditional. I am so sorry to hear about your babies Gizmo and Reggie. I wish there were words I could say to take the pain away. Sending hugs to you also. Please know they are both beside you and always in your heart. HUGGSSS!
Laura
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Mybeautifulboy
This made me cry and I am very sorry for your loss. You did the kindest thing by setting Rocco free.
Please know that you are in my thoughts.
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Rocsnme22
Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts. That means so much to me. This morning was such a hard one without him. First snowfall and my baby wasn't there to play in it. He loved that so much!
Laura
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