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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #76 
I’ve been wondering if you’re any good at grilling since I haven’t heard the results! 🤷‍♀️ Jk, I hope it was a good dinner and this weekend has had a couple bright spots.
It hits us harder than we could ever anticipate, I mean we know we are going to be devastated beyond belief but until it happens,,,,,
Hugs,,,,,

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Peteyd

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Reply with quote  #77 
Thank you Diana and Lynn. This weekend was bizarre. I can not get used to Elvis absence. Eating a good meal and getting some sleep was helpful but the sadness and feeling of emptiness continues. I miss Elvis so much, it hurts. When I realize he is gone it still takes my breath away. I cry every day. I stil second guess my decision. I am unsettled and feel like a visitor in my own house. I can not get comfortable. We got out of the house Saturday afternoon and that was good, but he was on my mind all day long. I went into the yard again and walked around picturing him in all the places he would be. I cried. Not a single day has passed without tears. I thought today might be the first but it is not. Tears are running down my face as I write this post. I am trying. My love for him was like nothing I have ever experienced. Pure. True. Honest. God did I love him. God how I still love him.the pain comes and goes, but it’s always there to some degree. I am tired all the time and have lost the desire to really do anything. I have some business that needs to be taken care of and things to do around the house that are backing up. I don’t care about any of it. I go to work and go through the motions. I miss my Elvis. What I wouldn’t give to have one more second with him. One more kiss. One more touch. One more moment. I miss my Elvis. He was such a good boy. Every person who met him loved him. He was funny like Pit bulls are. Quirky. Gentle. Strong. Loving. Sweet. Happy. Playful. Stoic. Brave. Loyal. Protective..concerned. He was the best. I miss him terribly. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever get better. They tell me it will. It is hard. I wish he was home waiting for me. The house is empty without him. Life will never be the same. Such heaviness. Such sadness. I wonder will I ever be happy again? I miss you Elvis. I love you and miss you.
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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #78 
Once again I'm in tears reading your heartfelt post.

I'm glad you got some sleep and were able to eat this weekend.

The empty feeling is there. I know. I've had to accept coming home to that emptiness as well. It's a difficult adjustment to make. I won't be ready for a new dog for quite some time, so I'm trying to accept it and take advantage of the freedom I have for now.

This whole ordeal has exhausted me so much that I don't think I would be up to the task of taking care of a dog right now. I need so much more rest and this is after 2 months. Physically it takes its toll on us. Try to be as gentle with yourself as you possibly can.

Your sweet and amazing boy holds a special place in your heart and always will, but it's so difficult to be without him now. Your bond was especially close. The 2 of you shared so many experiences that the rest of us could only wish fo.

It does get better, but it is a gradual process sometimes moving 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. You move at your own pace. You cry until you think you can't cry anymore and then you keep crying. Crying yourself to sleep. It just feels endless and eternal, but eventually we are able to sleep better and eat better. I still have trouble with both.

I cry less, but my joy in life is currently gone. I just feel more serious about everything, yet don't want to waste energy over things that get me upset because it no longer matters in the bigger scheme of my life. It's changed my overall outlook as to what/who is important to me and what/who isn't. It changes us for sure at our core.

Sending you ever-greater serenity 

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Diana

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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #79 
It’s like a huge wave went out to sea and never came back in and you’re left standing on sand where water should be. Nothing feels right, just empty. You left with him but didn’t leave. You just go through the motions of living. I get it.
Nothin in life prepares us for this kind of pain
I’m almost nine months in, hard to believe it. I feel her head on my lap that last night like it just happened. But I miss her like she’s been gone forever. The essence of time means nothing.
I met a couple of friends Sat night to hear a local band and I didn’t have a great time but it wasn’t bad. But she’s always there, always on my mind. I’ve made peace with that, embraced it. You can not love so profoundly and escape this epic grief. Knowing what we know, feeling everything we are feeling, we would go through this searing pain all over again to have them back, for even an hr. Because our love for them IS stronger than all of this.
When I go to the backyard I can almost see her, doing the Tankie walk. Casually walking her tail always moving slowly but always keeping rhythm with her walk as she sniffs her fav grass spots. And makes her way over to me nudging my leg with her big head, hey mom. I feel her the most in her yard.
I think the well buried bone was yours to find. I’d keep it safe🐾,,,,,

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Peteyd

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Reply with quote  #80 
I sit I’m my car an I pour through the pictures and videos. I cry. I long just to feel his beautiful face against mine. I cry more. It hurts. I would give 10years of my life to have 10 minuets with him. I know how utterly ridiculous that this sounds, but it’s true. Not much matters. I’m ill in my soul. There is a hole inside of me that can not be filled. I look at these past memories and long for yesterday. I am still depressed. It still takes my breath away. I do not know what else to say. I’m sad beyond measure. Why do I move on at all. I’m just going through the motions. Talk to somebody they tell me. I don’t care to talk. You should really talk to someone. Why? Nobody can bring my Elvis back. I’m sick. Too late.i made an appointment with our Vet. We will sit down and I will try to get some insight on what happened, and I’m hoping for some relief. Clousure . I need to have acceptance. I need to have closure. I need to move on. I care little about anything. The timeline of his illness doesn’t make sense to me. I need answers. I need dates. It all happened so quickly. I know nothing will bring him back. I need to know. We have an appointment on October 13. I wish I had more acceptance. I wish I were stronger. I miss him so much. I will continue to write. I think it might help. I’m grateful for your comments and thoughts Diana and Lynn and Laura and anyone who cares. I am sorry for your losses. From deep in my heart. I am so sorry. Millie and Tankie and Blue were all very lucky to be loved as much as you loved them. I know the joy that they brought you. I know how very much you loved them. I am sorry. I hope that someday you find peace in your heart. Stillness. Silence. Quiet without the deafening thunderous pain that wells up from within like a hurricane and takes your breath away. I hope that you can have it . I pray for it. Quiet in my heart. Stillness. Silence. Peace.
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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #81 
Nothing that you write or think is ever ridiculous - I believe we would all trade in years of our lives for our 4-legged soulmates. We would be happy to sacrifice for them in order to receive their unconditional love and loyalty in return. Everything you write always makes complete sense, even though the loss we go through feels entirely senseless.

I'm sorry that you have to wait so long to meet with your vet. I hope it gives you some closure, but just be prepared for the possibility that you might not. I hope for your heart's sake that you do. This disease is very hard to pinpoint when it exactly begins and why. I have no idea when exactly Millie's lymphoma began, the vets could never give me those answers. I ended up going over the last 3 years and figuring out that subtle behavioral changes were probably due to the disease, but nothing alarming whatsoever. I'll never know and I don't need to know. I know I did my best with what I had to work with and that the disease was overpowering and in the end was going to win regardless of what I would have done. It's a despicable disease...

I know, we don't want to talk when we're in such severe pain, but what if you could talk about your Elvis to someone? Would that help? Telling them about your many amazing adventures together. Telling them about all of the different places you'd visited together. Would writing them down help you any? I wrote nonstop for the 1st 2 weeks. I had to purge all of my anger and my pain otherwise I felt like I was going to explode, but I also needed to write down as many of her quirks as I could remember for fear of forgetting them.

Our hearts will always have a hole, but that hole does get smaller with time. Your broken heart is so fresh and ragged. I pray that you receive the answers that you need soon in order to find peace. I'm definitely finding my peace over Millie plus rehashing the losses of my other 3 dogs that have been brought to the surface as well. I'm just letting it flow through me.

Life just keeps moving forward and I'm trying to keep up, but honestly I really don't care to. I'm very slow. Leadenly slow, but that's the pace I will be for the next few months, or maybe even years, who knows. Mill changed me, but it's for the better, even if it might not feel that way right now. There's an inner growth process that takes place when we suffer a loss. I know that at some point I will look back and realize that the changes in my life after her passing were for the better. Her loss will not be in vain. I have to believe that there is a higher purpose for her passing...sending you strength to get you through this darkness and into the light



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Diana

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Peteyd

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Reply with quote  #82 
Today is 21 day that my Elvis is gone and I am crying. I have cried every day. I thought that yesterday would be the first day that I didn’t cry. I was wrong. He is still everywhere in our house. His house. I still have no interest in the yard. I have been back there a couple of times, but honestly, it’s too sad. I look in all of his nests. His tennis balls are there where he left them. They are untouched. He dug out little nests under the Cedar, under the dogwood, under the hemlock,, on the side of the shed. He loved to dig. He made theses little nests. They were his. He would go out sometime at night and dig a little, leave his scent, let the other animals know that this area was taken. He is gone. I am still crushed. When I think of it sometimes I can’t believe it. I see him all the time. Lying on his bed when I walk through the door after work. We still have his bed out, with his little pillow and his jacket. Sometimes I glance at it and it looks like he’s there coming home afte r work is hard. Waking up every morning is hard. Weekends are the worst. I would spend my Saturdays taking him to the park for the past 3 or 4 years. We slowed down on the hiking when he was around 7 or 8 but we still spent the time together locally. The town I live on has so many dog friendly areas and we took advantage of them all. I am lost on Saturday’s. I wake up and cry. I start and end my day with sadness. It’s hard. I miss him so much. My Elvis. I try to not play the what if game. But I do. I try to be reasonable. But I’m not. I wish and I wish and it makes no difference. My Elvis is gone and I’m the one who is responsible for that. I’m still haunted by his last moments. My heart knows he was sick and most likely very uncomfortable and would not get better. My mind plays games and I think what if, what about, why didn’t I, why didn’t they. It just makes things worse. This is done. There is no changing it. My Elvis is gone. I miss him so much. I cry . Today is day 21 that my Elvis is gone and I am crying.
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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #83 
The change in our lives without them is extreme. Life aches without them. I would sob waking up because the reality would set in again that Millie wasn't on my bed sleeping, she wouldn't be waking me up at 5 to eat and go walk. I would no longer hear her barks when I came home. Everything is now empty. One of her beds I left in the living room. I feel her around me, but it's not the same. I can imagine how hard your weekends must be now. I decided to assist in Millie's nose work class, so I could maintain some sort of routine as well as connection to her after we had spent a year in training together. My assisting is in dedication to her now. 

It is still raw. I remember those 1st 4 weeks were the very toughest to get through. I tried to go for walks on my own in the beginning because I just couldn't stand being in the empty house. I wrote and sobbed and wrote and sobbed until the sobbing gradually let up. I still come home to my empty house, but I am always talking to her and know she's around me in a different form. It all takes time to process through these life changes. We are forced to change through them. Sending you serenity

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Diana

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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #84 
I was thinking about you yesterday, Saturday, your toughest day. I hope you made it through with some happy memories alongside the pain.

Tankie12/Lynn had posted this link a few weeks back regarding grieving and I found it very healing and enlightening. I am passing it on to you.




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Diana

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Peteyd

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Reply with quote  #85 
Thank you Diana. The video was good for me to watch. I hate my weekends now. They used to be the time I looked forward to most, and now I fear them. Saturday was tough for me, my wife went to a family party and I choose to stay home. I kept myself busy all day which was good, but I was looking for him through out the day. . I cried hard when I got out of bed. He is not here. It is setting in and it hurts like crazy. It still steals my breathe. I still get anxiety attacks. I am suffering from depression too. I have cried every day since he left. Today is day 25. I am crying. I went to bed crying, woke up in the middle of the night crying, and I’m crying now on my lunch break as I sit in my car and write. His beds are still out, one in the family room by the fireplace and one in our bedroom at the foot of our bed. His bowels are still in our kitchen. Sometimes I see him lying on the floor in the family room. Some people in my family think I should talk to someone. I don’t care. I don’t want to talk to anyone really. I get up, go to work, come home and so fourth. I am not really motivated to do anything, but I try. I push myself to try. I will start yoga this week. I went to a meditation lass on Sunday that was a good experience for me. I’m so sad. I thought about another dog and realized that I was just reacting. Knee jerk. Where is my Elvis is what I’m feeling? I don’t even know anymore. I miss him so much. I am still grieving. I am still raw. I am lost without my buddy. I miss out routine. I don’t care to try and create a new one either. I am angry. I hate this. I hate it. I wish there were a light at the end of the tunnel. It seems dark to me. I watch videos of him and sometimes I cheer him on or laugh at him. He was the best. There will never be another one like him. I miss you so much Elvis. I wish you could hear me. I wish you were here with us. Mom misses you too Elvis. I am lost without you buddy. I look for you every day when I get home. I look for you every night when I walk up,the stairs. I look for you every morning when I get up. I still look for you . It’s 25 days your gone and I still look for you buddy. I wish I could touch you again, feel your beautiful fur. I miss you so much Elvis. I really miss you buddy.
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Blue_Laura

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Reply with quote  #86 

Petey,

I am still thinking of you and Elvis and I read all the posts on this thread.  You two had some incredible adventures and I am amazed how he climbed that ladder.  How awesome you have that on video too.

Like you, I remember organizing all my pictures and videos of Blue.  I think it gave me a sense of purpose and I would watch videos of him daily for quite some time.  Our stories are so very similar except I am further along in this journey.  Your one week anniversary of losing Elvis was my 1 year and 5 month anniversary of losing Blue.  It does get better, but it takes a very long time.  Below is an excerpt from my journal:

It has been 5 weeks now, over a month.  God, I miss him.  It still hurts and I still cry constantly.   He is always on my mind. Always.  It still does not seem real at times.  Last weekend was bad.  I had a couple of breakdowns where I screamed and sobbed and wailed for him.  I guess I just need to let my grief out.

I saw no light at the end of the tunnel and those times were so very dark and depressing.  I wondered where Blue was.  I wanted to see a blue butterfly as a sign he was ok, but I never expected to see one.  But one day, I actually saw one when I bent down to prune a shrub.  It was sitting on a plant right next to it. I stared at it for some time and it never flew away. The most beautiful feeling came over me and I knew Blue was ok and in a very beautiful place.  I felt at peace for the first time since he passed.

Weeks later I was looking at sheltie puppies on a local face book page.  There was one that caught my eye as he reminded me of Blue.  I walked outside and there it was, the butterfly.  I thought this was a sign and I felt compelled to get this puppy, but these were show puppies not for sale as pets. I had not even considered getting another dog at this point, much less a puppy who I would have to housetrain. Well, this boy went oversize and was now being sold as a pet.  I called the breeder and went to look at him.  First words out of her mouth was she did not think that was the puppy for me, as he was too big and boisterous for a single woman.  I was really upset but when I met the puppy, I felt nothing so I agreed with her. She showed me another younger litter that would be undersize and one little boy just resonated with me.  I chose him and it wasn’t until I had him home for a few days when I noticed a very distinct marking on his left thigh.  Yes, a blue butterfly.  Luca is grown now and reminds me so much of Blue that I would swear it is Blue’s energy or spirit in him. I am well aware of how ridiculous this sounds, but I am not a crazy person.  I am reluctant to share this but because our stories are so similar, maybe your getting a dog is not a kneejerk reaction.

It was my heart or soul that compelled me get this puppy.  My mind was arguing against it telling me I was being ridiculous and what if I had no connection to the puppy and was stuck with some dog I did not want.  Thank God I followed my heart. 

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Peteyd

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Reply with quote  #87 
Wow, what story Laura. I do not think it sounds ridiculous. I think it is ridiculous that I go out into the back yard where Elvis buried his last bone and carefully move away some of the earth and stones and touch his bone and long for something. Anything. A sign, a signal. Anything. I smell his last tennis ball for his breathe. It’s slowly losing its scent. I touch his leashes and collars almost daily. I walk around like a zombie and care about nothing. I fight with my wife, I hate the people I work with and I am either very sad or angry. I try and go,through the motions . I move forward, but I don’t care. I feel like he is gone and I hate it. I long for anything. Something. Something that would connect me. Last week I went to the river where we would walk and I walked alone and cried. I wake up and cry. I cry before bed. Sometimes I get up,in the middle of the night and I cry. It has been 25 days. I don’t feel any better. Some people are suggesting I “speak” to someone. I have no desire to speak to anyone who doesn’t understand what it’s like to lose something so precious . My Elvis was everything great in me. My Elvis taught me about patience. He taught me how to love, really love. He taught me to be in the moment. He taught me to think before I act. He taught me so much. Now, this, this sounds ridiculous. I believe it all to be true because it is. It happened to me. I was blessed with this beautiful creature who was kind and gentle and strong and fearless. He was smart and funny, caring and loving. He was goofy and sillly, patient and quiet. He was loud and boisterous, mellow and soft. He was warm and delightful and full of love, he was so full of love that all I had to do was look at him and I would be filled. He would fill me my Elvis. He would fill me up. Now I am empty. I miss him so much that sometimes it’s almost unbearable. I would love to connect somehow with him. I try to remain open. I went to a mediation and healing class class. Tears poured out of my eyes like a faucet. I did not sob or cry but my eyes leaked tears like never before. I thought maybe this changed me. It did not. I have been crying again. Hard. Sobbing, weeping. It hurts. A year is a long time. It’s 25 days. I hate this I hate everything about this. This grieving, this bearing my soul, my insides, my all. I don’t have much left. It’s all out there. I’m lost Elvis. I miss you buddy. I think about you every day, all the time. I wonder about you. I second guess my decision and how it all went down. I play games in my head that are stupid and unproductive. They will change nothing. Why do I bother. I bargain and deal and wonder and wish. I fantasize and pretended. I dig up the bone and touch it and long for something, anything. Anything at all Elvis, anything . I will I’ll try to be open. I am here Elvis. Im stuck here and you are not. . I call for him sometimes. I screamed his name so hard and so loud at the river last week that I hurt my throat. I lost my voice for a couple days. That is ridiculous. I long for my buddy. My friend. My Elvis. Thursday I will have his picture tattooed on my chest. I look forward to it. I’m still surrounded by his things, but he’s not here. I will listen for him. I will try to remain open. I’m here Elvis. I miss you so much buddy. I’m right here. I love you Elvis . Please help me.
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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #88 
Blue Laura - Nothing is ever ridiculous. I think your experiences before and with Luca are amazing ones! I could see the blue butterfly when you were describing it.

Pete - Nothing you are doing is ridiculous either. If you want to hang on to Elvis' scent for as long as possible place the balls in a ziplock bag and make sure to keep it sealed. Open when you need that scent to calm you. If you feel like digging up and touching his bone, so be it. I kept the slobber on the window and on my office drawers for years after they had passed. i still have a chew mark in the bathroom door jam from 2006 when I accidently locked Snoopy inside the bathroom. It's whatever makes you feel connected.

The bond you had with Elvis based on all of your adventures together is really making itself known in your grieving process. Like an endless well of love, now the flipside of that deep well is the darkness of this excruciating loss. I know you don't want to talk to anyone who doesn't understand, but is there any possibility of finding a pet loss group or therapist in your area? You would be surrounded by people who would understand your pain and might help you to be around them. It sounds like you've already been taking some great steps towards helping your body and mind heal through the meditation and yoga you tried. I'm going to need to start up yoga myself. I no longer walk. I have no desire to go out by myself. I did initially, but it's just too boring without a dog by my side.

I can't wait to hear about or even see your new tattoo.

Sending you continued healing and light 

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Diana

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Reply with quote  #89 
I am new on here and I have read though this entire thread and I am heart broken for you. Elvis was a beautiful boy! I know how you feel and what you are going through. Although I have another dog, whom I love to death, there was no one like my Ace. Today was 8 days since he passed and it feels like it was an hour ago. He literally just started limping out of nowhere. I took him to the vet 2 days later and he was diagnosed with cancer. They said the reason it "seemed" to happen so fast was because he has been in pain for quite some time, but was able to hide it because he didn't want me to know he was hurting. It seemed to come on so fast because that was when it reached the point that he could not stand it anymore. They put him on a LOT of pain medicine, and I got 1 more week with my baby before I had to make the hardest decision ever. I literally delivered my baby boy. I had his momma (who I had to say goodbye to almost 2 years ago), who got pregnant and I kept 1 of the 3. I was literally with my boy from his first breath on this earth to his last. I consider myself fortunate to be able to say that, but it also makes the hurt that much deeper. Just like having your own child (which I don't, Ace was my son), I got to watch him take his first breath, open his eyes for the first time, walk for the first time. He was literally my baby. It's been 8 days and I still cannot stand to be in my house, but I also can't stand to be away either. I have to be there though for my boy Duke who was a rescue. Ace could not stand for me to be out of his sight. He would stay laying down no matter what I got up and did as long as he could see me. If I went to the bathroom, bedroom, kitchen, etc. he would be on my heels. For 12 years I NEVER showered that I didn't open the curtain and he was laying right in the floor. I have to force myself even to take a shower now because I cannot bear to look out and him not be laying there. All his things are exactly where he left them. I feel like is I start putting things up or cleaning up that I am somehow betraying him. I live on the lake and I use to think it was so beautiful. Me, Ace, and Duke would go down there in the evening and play, they would swim and wrestle. But now I can't see any beauty in it and when I look at it all I picture is my Ace. Ace has been with me through my divorce, my dad passing, my grandmother passing, basically everything. He was my rock. But I do believe that is does get better with time and that we will see them again. It has been 8 days and now I only cry every couple of hours. That may seem like a lot still to some people, but it is a vast improvement from a few days ago. I still struggle to get interested in anything. I have a cruise with my fiance in two weeks that I was looking forward to before this, now I would give anything if I could get out of it. Even with Duke, I cannot bear to look anywhere in my and not see my baby. 

For the really bad part... Now I feel like I am dying all over again because I took my dog Duke to the vet and she thinks he is showing signs of the same thing in the same spot as Ace. I am waiting for the blood work and all to come back. If that is true I may be putting my last boy to rest in a couple months. So needless to say, I feel like I am ripping apart all over again. 

This is my Ace.
42147816_1978127322266188_5192267023052177408_n.jpg 


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Peteyd

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Reply with quote  #90 
It’s 29 days that my Elvis is gone. I still can’t believe it. I still look for him . Last night I heard him coming up the stairs. I got excited for a split second, then reality set and it took my breath away. I still have not had a day that I don’t cry. Thursday night I got Elvis tattooed on my chest. It felt good. I have decided to do my whole side and will be getting a big tree with deep twisted roots like the ones we loved to see hiking. I will get fall colored foliage around the tree, because it was his favorite season of all. Mine too. I will hang a compass on the tree so we can find our way. I will put his dog tag there too. I will put pitch pines on my ribs like the ones by the cliffs that we would climb up to and mountain glens like the ones by the lake that we swam in. He would sit on that rock by the lake and wait for those fish to come. I would have to drag him away. I’m having a hard time dealing with this. I miss my boy. I went into the grocery store today and walked fight to the butchers department. When I remember my heart sank. It’s 29 days that my Elvis is gone. It still steals my breathe. I still cry. I’m so happy with this tattoo. I smiled for the first time in a month. When I got in front of the mirror this morning it was good to see a picture of him starring back. It looks exactly like him. I smiled, then I cried. I will continue . I will do this tribute to my life with him. I look forward to it. We are thinking of moving. We have been for a while. I wish I could be more grateful.I wish I could be more enthusiastic . I wish I had more energy. I am still depressed. I miss my buddy .i still feel like a zombie. Going through the motions. Moving forward. Mindless. Not here. Sad.i watch tv and doze on the couch, when I open my eyes, I look for him. He’s not there. My heart sinks again. He really loved this time of year. So did I . It was our favorite. I am dreading the fall cleanup without him. I still don’t go in the yard. It’s too sad. I am a foreigner in my own house. He is everywhere and he is nowhere. Diana I understand how you feel about walking . It’s hard for me to get to yoga, but I will go. You should go to. We have to take care of ourselves. Daryle I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sorry that these beautiful creatures who fill our hearts and give us a reason and purpose leave us way to soon. I’m not in any position to offer advice. This is the hardest thing I have faced. I’m still lost. I still cry. I still mourn. I miss my Elvis. I miss him deeply in my heart. Deep in my gut. All the way down inside me. I was told he is there. I get hope sometimes from Diana and Laura and Lynn. Just a little hope. I hang on. It’s not much but I get through another day. I’m here Elvis. I’m right here telling everyone of our great time together.. I will put our story on me and I will remember you forever. I will honor you Elvis. I’m sad without you here. Mom misses you too Elvis. She does better than me, but she still cries too. You were our love Elvis. You gave us so much love and joy. I wish you were here Elvis.

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